“Remember when we were in the sixth form?” Jake says to Ryan. “The day we finished our exams and you blew two hundred quid on a bottle of Krug and we drank it in your garden? Well, here’s my thank-you.”
I remember that day too, although I don’t mention it. Jake had promised me he’d tell me where they were celebrating, so I could go along too, but he never did. Then he got home all red-faced and slurry, and for the rest of the summer he talked about how he’d drunk a two-hundred-quid bottle of Krug. He even used it as a chat-up line. And it actually worked on some girls.
The waiter pours the Cristal into fresh glasses and we toast Ryan. As I sip, questions silently rack up in my mind, one by one. Does Jake really like posh champagne? Can he actually tell the difference? Can anyone? Doesn’t he see the price of this and feel faint?
I don’t know anything about Jake’s finances, only that he’s doing “well.” Sometimes I think maybe he’s a millionaire, he’s just never told us.
“So,” I say softly to Ryan as he sits next to me. “Big day. You were brilliant.”
“I knew it!” says Leila, patting Ryan on the knee. “I said to Jakey, ‘I know Ryan will get this.’ ”
“It just shows,” I say eagerly. “You can turn your life around, however hard it seems, if you’re willing to be flexible and humble and put in the hard work.”
“Hard work!” Jake guffaws. “Hear that, Ryan? Hey,” he adds, spotting some well-dressed guy at the bar. “That’s Ed. You should meet Ed,” he adds to Ryan, getting to his feet. “Come and say hello.”
He doesn’t suggest that Leila or I come to say hello, and to be fair I’m quite happy not to. So I sit, sipping my drink, watching Ryan charm Jake’s friends.
“Yeah,” I can hear him saying. “I’ve moved from producing into investment; seemed like a good idea. Yeah, follow the money!” He gives an easy laugh, his face glowing, and lifts his glass in a toast.
I can’t believe the transformation in him. He’s radiant. Ebullient. Confident. If he was like a wounded lion a few days ago, that’s all forgotten. Now he’s the king of the jungle. The golden boy again.
And I brought it about. Me, Fixie.
“Yeah, well, they loved me at the interview.…” he’s saying. “And of course I slipped them a tenner.…”
Jake’s friends laugh, and I smile into my drink. I’m about to suggest to Leila that we go up and join the boys, when my phone buzzes. I get it out of my bag, planning to turn it off—but it’s Mum calling. Mum!
“Hey, Mum!” I say into my phone. “Hang on a minute, I can’t talk in here.…” As I rise to my feet, I gesture to Leila that I’m popping outside, and she nods easily.
I haven’t spoken to Mum once since she left. She texted when she arrived, to let us know she was safe, but I haven’t actually heard her voice. And as I hurry through the bar to the lobby, I realize I’m longing to talk to her.
“Mum!” I exclaim, as soon as I can talk. “How’s it going?”
“Oh, Fixie.” Her familiar tones flow into my ear. “It’s lovely! I wish you were here!”
She says it with no irony at all. She’s never done holidays, Mum. She probably doesn’t even know that that’s the clichéd phrase.
“Are you having a good time, then?” I say, smiling, wishing I could see her face.
“It’s so warm!” she exclaims in astonishment, as though she was expecting the south of Spain to be a bit nippy. “We’re right by the beach. I’ve been swimming every day. Good thing I bought that swimsuit. And the food’s lovely—we’re eating lots of seafood, although Karen does always order too much sangria.…”
As she talks on, I lean against a wall, imagining her plunging into the Mediterranean and soaking up the sun and drinking sangria with her sister. I’m thinking, This is what she should have done years ago.
“… and how’s the shop going?”
Mum’s words bring me back to the present with a guilty twinge. I haven’t really been focusing on the shop. I’ve been focusing on Ryan.
“It’s fine!” I say automatically. “All good!”
“Ned sent me an email. He said you’re having your first meeting tomorrow?”
“That’s right.”
“And everything’s going OK with Jake and Nicole?”
It crosses my mind to tell her about Nicole’s yoga plans—but no. It would worry her. I’ll sort it myself.
“Everything’s fine,” I say reassuringly. “Couldn’t be better!”
We talk for a bit longer, then Mum says she’d better go and I head back to the bar, biting my lip. Now that Ryan’s future is sorted, I need to give some attention to the shop.
Ryan’s still holding court at the bar and doesn’t notice me at first. I wait until there’s a lull in the conversation and then tap him on the arm.
“Oh, hi!” he exclaims, turning toward me. “Come and meet these guys.”
“No, actually, if you don’t mind, I’m going to slip away,” I add apologetically. “It’s the first big family meeting about the shop tomorrow. I want to prepare some stuff.”
“Oh, OK,” says Ryan, nodding. “Fair enough.”
“See you later, then.” I squeeze his arm. “Have fun!”
“Later?” He stares at me blankly. “What do you mean, later?”
“Well … I thought you’d be coming back to mine?” I say, equally blankly.
“Fixie.” Ryan exhales with an astonished laugh. “Fixie, Fixie. What are you saying, that we should move in together?”
For a moment I can’t speak. His words won’t compute in my brain. Is he joking? Of course I think we should move in together. We were just talking about moving in together. But now he’s sounding incredulous.
As I stare at him dumbly, wondering if I misheard, Ryan sighs and pulls me aside, away from the group.
“This is great, you and me,” he says gently, pointing from his chest to mine and back again. “It’s lovely. But moving in together would be the worst thing we could do. We need to take things slowly. Step by step.”
Words are scrambling in my brain. Nothing makes sense.
“But your text,” I say stupidly.
“My text?”
“About the future! Just now! I asked you and you said—” I fumble for my phone so I can read out the words exactly. “You said, Totally. Awesome. Let’s make it happen. Soon!”
“Well, yeah.” He laughs. “I do want to be boss soon.”
Boss?
Boss?
Oh my God. I’m frozen in utter dismay as realization hits. He was replying to that text?
“Right, but my other text?” I manage, trying to sound light. “What did you … ? I mean, did you think … ?”
“What other text?” He looks puzzled. “The last text I got from you was about being the boss. Why, what did you say?”
He didn’t get my text? All of my blissful happiness is based on a misunderstanding?
“What did you say?” asks Ryan again, and my stomach lurches in horror. He cannot know what I said.
“Nothing!” My voice finally bursts out in a desperate squeak. “No. I didn’t say anything. Nothing. Doesn’t matter.”
My head is boiling. I think I want to die.
“I mean, you do get my point?” says Ryan kindly. “We’ve only been together for, like, five minutes. It would be ridiculous to move in together.”
“God yes! Ridiculous!” I emit a shrill, fake laugh. “Believe me, moving in together is the last thing I want. The last. Although you did say you wished I’d come back with you to L.A.,” I add, before I can stop myself.
Ryan looks utterly astonished.
“Fixie, L.A. is—” He breaks off as though he can’t even find a word for what L.A. is. “Look, Fixie.” He faces me, straight on. “I want to take us seriously. Seriously.”
“So do I!” I say, feeling totally confused.
“So we take it little by little, yeah?” He squints at his phone. “Hang on. Some texts are coming in now. Are they the ones you sent before?”
No. Nooo. They’re arriving now?
“Don’t read those!” My voice shoots up still higher in panic. “They’re nothing! I was just randomly chatting … It was boring … Actually, why don’t I delete them?”
My heart thumping, I grab Ryan’s phone out of his hand. Ignoring his startled look, I start frantically pressing DELETE. I’m cringing as I read my own words:
Where are you going to live now that you have a job? Because …
Deleted.
Ryan, this is the beginning of something amazing …
Deleted.
A whole new life. You and me.
Deleted.
I’m so happy!!!!
Deleted.
And all the emojis: Deleted. All gone.
As I hand Ryan his phone back, I smile as brightly as I can—but inside I’m kind of crushed. I mean, he’s right. Of course he’s right. I don’t know what I was thinking. Long term, it’s more sensible to take things slowly.
It’s just …
I mean, you can’t help wishing for things, can you?
“So, I’ll see you … sometime!” I force myself to sound light and casual, as if I don’t mind when I see him at all. As if it’s no big deal. As if perhaps we won’t even bother to see each other at all.
“I’ll text you,” says Ryan. “We’ll get together soon. And thanks for today, babe.”
He kisses me lightly, and I hesitate, suddenly desperate to stay. But I’ve already said I’m leaving and it would seem uncool to change my mind. I pick up my flowers, and as I walk out of the bar, I decide I will find five positive things about the situation.
1. He still wants to be with me.
2. He didn’t see my mortifying texts.
3. He bought me flowers.