By then they both knew the marriage was in serious trouble, but it was easier to focus on the day-to-day routine they’d fallen into—Kimmy with her phone and Josh with mindless television and household chores that didn’t really need to be taken care of. Going to bed each night at different times so they could jam the wedge even further between them.
He made another attempt at closing the divide between them. He’d thought that maybe they could pick a travel destination that would bring them back year after year, just the two of them. They were both too busy living their lives and taking care of their daughter to remember what had gotten them this far in the first place—their undying love and their you-and-me-against-the-world philosophy.
“Let’s go somewhere,” he said to Kimmy one morning when it was just the two of them sitting in silence drinking coffee in the kitchen. “Let’s go sit on a beach. Pack your bikinis. Pack all of them,” he said.
“I was thinking of Florida,” she said. “We could take Sasha to Disney World.”
Frustrated, he opened his mouth to clarify that this was not a family trip, but what he didn’t know was that Sasha had come into the room, and because his back was to her he only realized she’d overheard Kimmy when she started screaming in delight. “Yes! Disney World,” she said. “I want to go.”
And he would also never know if Kimmy had seen Sasha come into the room and if she had said it out loud on purpose.
* * *
He confided in Jordan and told him everything that was suffering in his marriage and admitted that he’d thought about starting something with Nikki. “I’m sorry,” Jordan said. “I thought everything was fine between you and Kimmy.”
“It looks fine on the outside” was all Josh said.
“Well, you didn’t act on it so it’s not a big deal,” Jordan said.
But it was a big deal, at least to him because it was indicative of just how broken the marriage was and he’d better figure out something to fix it as soon as possible.
Technically, he had remained faithful to Kimmy, but he’d cheated on her in his mind. He couldn’t even look at those quartz countertops in Nikki’s kitchen without imagining all the things he wanted to do to her on them.
Nikki wasn’t around for the last couple of days he worked at her house. On the last day, he laid an invoice on the kitchen counter. The check landed in his post office box two days later and he never saw her again.
* * *
Jordan lined up another shot and missed. “Damn,” he said. “So, is this new woman like a rebound or the real deal or what?”
“I have no idea,” Josh said. So far, he liked what was happening between him and Layla. He liked it a lot. It felt easy and fun, but it did not feel like a fling, either, and he didn’t quite know what to make of that. What if Layla was just a rebound? What if he was a rebound for her? He could see himself falling for Layla, hard, but he also didn’t want to be the guy who couldn’t be alone and fell too fast. His track record when it came to rushing into things wasn’t great. “Taking it slow for now.”
He’d expected to have a few casual relationships before he met someone like Layla. Except that casual had never really been his style. Plus, he had Sasha to think of and no desire to subject her to a revolving door of girlfriends. He’d already decided shortly after he moved out that he’d have to be pretty far into a relationship before he’d even consider introducing the woman to his daughter. But Sasha and Layla already knew each other, so that process might be easier for all of them. He and Layla were both somewhat emotionally unavailable, but that just gave them one more thing they could relate to in each other.
“You second-guessing the divorce?”
“No.” But was that true? There had been times, especially lately, when he’d wondered if he and Kimmy had thrown in the towel too soon. They were getting along better now than they had for the whole last year of their marriage. Kimmy was never on her phone whenever they were in the same room together. She smiled at Josh and listened when they exchanged information about Sasha. She’d called him to let him know that she’d received an email about a sale on the work boots he liked, and they’d talked for forty-five minutes. Had they done everything possible to save the marriage? It was hard being here with his brothers knowing that Kimmy wasn’t out with the sisters-in-law. He’d started to forget about some of the things that had led them down the path to their separation. And there was Sasha, of course.
“Maybe you just need to get laid,” Jordan said.
“I need more than that. I need some kind of connection.” It was the intimacy that he and Kimmy once shared that he missed so much. The inside jokes, cuddling on the couch, limbs intertwined, sex in the middle of the night because they’d been too tired at bedtime but couldn’t make it until morning without coming together in the way they had been since they were eighteen years old.
“Maybe you’re just one of those … what do they call them?”
“Idiots?”
“You’re not an idiot.” Jordan snapped his fingers. “Serial monogamists.”
“Maybe I am,” Josh said.
“All I’m saying is that you’re free to be with whoever you want. You’re a single man with a good job and you’re not hideous and you’re pretty nice.”
“Not quite single. Not legally, anyway.”
“A final piece of paper isn’t going to change anything. You don’t have to feel guilty anymore. You’re free.”
“Yeah, I guess I am.” This time, at least, there was nothing to feel guilty about.
chapter 40
Layla
“So, how are things?” Tonya asked, giving Layla a friendly little nudge. The gray sky barely hinted at the spring weather that seemed years away from arriving even though it was early March. At least it wasn’t too cold. Layla was still wearing her parka, but if the weather held, she’d be able to swap it for a lighter one in the not-too-distant future. Then again, this was Minnesota, so it was more likely she’d still be wearing her snow gear until May.
Layla laughed. “You mean, how is Josh?”
“Of course that’s what I mean.”
“I’m not holding out on you. I’m happy to give you all the juicy details. I saw him last night.”
“And…,” Tonya said with anticipation.
“Oh, sorry. I don’t have anything juicy to report yet. But things are good. Lots of texting and talking on the phone.” The first thing Layla did every morning when she woke up was check her phone. Josh always sent a text to say good morning, and they occasionally spent their first few moments after waking up in their respective beds texting each other. Neither of them wanted to overwhelm the other, so they didn’t get together every night that Josh didn’t have Sasha. But on the nights they were apart, they spent hours on the phone like a couple of teenagers.