“I always figure people have a little bit of feelings about it in there somewhere. Whether they know it or not. Like my stepdad. He never really says or does anything bad, so I don’t even know why I think so. He just seems a little uneasy around me. Even after all these years. Probably a combination of things, but . . . I just figure it gets trained into people, and they don’t even know it’s there.”
“This is very true,” she said. “It is a thing in their life that has always been there. They are white, and there is much privilege that comes with being so, but they don’t see it, because there’s never been a day in their life when it wasn’t there. So you ask them if ethnicity makes a difference to them, and they say no. And in many cases they think they are telling the truth. It becomes like asking a fish to tell you about the water. It’s all around him. He swims in it at every moment. But he will likely say, ‘Water? What is this water of which you speak?’ So often this is true.”
Raymond poked his remaining omelet with his fork. He was feeling like he might not be able to eat any more.
“I thought it was everybody,” he said. “But you think it’s not true for you.”
“Well, I hope it is not. I started out just like everybody else, but the world changed me.”
“Everybody else, though?”
“Many, many people.”
“What’s the difference? How do some people get around it?”
“I don’t think anyone gets around it. I don’t think it ever bypasses a person completely. But I do think some of us have experiences that wake us up—when we see the horror that eventually comes of such judgments, or when we find ourselves on the wrong end of them, and feel how powerful that hate can grow to become. It can shake you to the very core of your being. And here is the thing about experiences that wake you up, Raymond: You try to get back to sleep, but it’s easier said than done. Once you’re awake, you’re awake. Good luck hitting the snooze button, my friend.”
He waited, thinking she would eventually tell him what experiences had awakened her.
She never did.
While they were riding home on the subway together, he watched her face. Just observed her in a moment of silence. The fragile vulnerability of her. The wrinkled, nearly translucent skin over her cheekbones. The fine haze of individual white hairs that had sprung loose from her braid. The milky appearance in the corneas of her eyes.
He realized, to his disappointment, that he would not—could not—abandon the Luis Project. Because she was someone he could not bear to disappoint. And because now he needed to know what had happened to Luis Velez, too. It was a mystery his mind needed to solve. It was a challenge he had taken on and needed to see through, both for himself and for her.
And he knew if he was going to go out knocking on doors again, it had better be soon. Right away. Right after he got her home so she could safely tuck herself in for an afternoon nap.
If he waited too long he was in danger of losing his nerve.
He dug his money out of his pocket and counted it. He had twelve dollars and seventy-five cents left out of the hundred dollars. Probably just enough for that Spanish phrasebook he would be needing. Because this afternoon he would be knocking on more doors. Seeking out more men named Luis Velez. And he would likely have to do the same the following day. And the day after that. After the dictionary was back at the school library as promised.
Chapter Seven
* * *
There’s a Saint for That
Raymond stood in another strange hallway, prepared to knock on another unknown door—to talk to another person he didn’t know and might soon learn he did not want to know. His heart pounded harder than usual, and he was tired of that. In fact, he was tired, period. He felt profoundly exhausted by these forays into the world of potentially awkward interactions with strangers.
He had been standing there, in front of the door of yet another Luis Velez, for a strangely long time. How long, he could not have said. But for a good minute he held one hand poised to knock, then dropped it, then raised it again. Then dropped it again.
He closed his eyes and said a . . . well, it would not do to call it a prayer, because Raymond was not at all sure he thought there was a God. And even if there was, it would be terribly rude to come to him with a favor after all these years of not speaking. He had done so once earlier that morning, and it had felt entirely selfish and wrong. No, what he said was more of a whispered entreaty to no one in particular. Maybe out into the universe in case there was anything listening. Maybe to some less ruined part of himself.
“Please let this one be easier.”
As he spoke those words, he heard the sound of voices and laughter coming from the other side of the door. Many voices, all sounding as though they enjoyed each other’s company. Happy family sounds. But they hadn’t just sprung up in that moment, Raymond knew. The voices had been there all along. They had simply gone unregistered. They had taken their time breaking through his dread.
He knocked on the door, and while he waited his heart pounded more vigorously.
A woman answered. A Latina woman in her late thirties. Big and round, with a friendly face. She smiled at him, even though she had no idea who he was or why he had come.
“Yes? Can I help you?”
There was an openness in her words. A tentative expectation that whatever he was bringing to her door could be trusted and would prove itself good.
“I’m looking for Luis Velez.”
Her smile widened and her eyes lit up. Apparently all one needed to do to make this woman’s day was to say that name.
“Yes,” she said. “Come in. We’re having our supper.”
“Oh. I didn’t mean to bother you in the middle of . . .”
But then he stopped, because he wasn’t sure what he was interrupting. It was about three thirty in the afternoon as far as he knew. Right after his brunch with Mrs. G. Neither lunch-nor dinnertime. “Supper,” she had said, but he had no idea if that word meant something different from dinner, or why it would take place so early.
“We have a midday supper on Sundays,” she said, as if reading his confusion. “It’s pretty much the one day the whole family can get together.”
“I shouldn’t bother you, then,” Raymond said.