"That's kind of deep."
He chuckles. "I guess it is."
"So… ever since that, intimacy issues?"
"You're making light of my trauma?"
"No… well, I'm not trying to. I'm sorry if it feels like that."
"I know."
"You… uh… I'd never do that."
"I know."
"If you know—"
"I know, but I don't feel it. I can't."
"I don't trust guys either. Not after the way Alex left things. But I… God, I don't know how it happened, but I do trust you. I don't think you'd abandon me again." I drag my fingers up his thigh.
His eyelids press together.
His lips part with a sigh.
He wants me.
But he holds strong. "Your turn."
"We could not talk." I press my palm against his stomach. Soft skin. Hard muscles. He's still warm and wet from the shower.
His hands go to my hips.
He pulls me into his lap so I'm straddling him.
We're nearly eye to eye like this. I'm just barely looking down at him.
And we're so close.
"Dean…" My fingers curl into his hair. "Please." My eyelids press together. "Please."
"Your turn."
He wants to hear this.
I…
I want to tell him.
But, God, I can't deal with anyone else's grief or fear or concern.
I can't pretend I'm okay.
Not right now.
"You have to promise you won't freak out," I say.
"Can't make that promise, sunshine. Not until I know."
"Then promise you'll try."
He cups my cheek with his palm as he stares up at me. "Promise."
My shoulders relax. I trust him. It's terrifying, but I trust him. "I have a test tomorrow."
His brow scrunches. "What kind of test?"
I take a deep breath and exhale slowly. "A medical test. It might be bad news."
"Bad how?"
"Just bad."
Confusion streaks his expression.
He's going to make me say it.
Or maybe he doesn't see it.
For the last two years, my life has been breast cancer. But that isn't how it is for him. For anyone else. It's not on their radar.
I nod to my chest. "You didn't notice?"
"Notice what?" He follows my gaze.
I shift out of my jacket. Toss it on the ground behind me. Tug my tank top lower. Lower. Until my bra is peeking out.
But he's not getting it.
I go to pull it off but Dean stops me.
"I don't have the self-control to stop if you start."
"I don't want you to stop."
"I want to hear this."
I swallow hard. I want him to hear it.
But…
God.
"Look." I take his hand. Bring it to my chest.
He cups my breast with his palm.
"They're fake."
His brow furrows.
"It's obvious if I take my bra off."
He stares at me like I'm crazy. "You're not the type."
I know.
Epiphany fills his expression.
He understands.
I say it anyways. "I had a double mastectomy."
"You had breast cancer?"
I nod.
"When?"
"Two years ago. That was when it started. It's been a year since I finished treatment. I guess… I guess this is my anniversary."
"That story about your mom?"
"That was true. Just… also true about me."
"Are you okay?"
"Probably. But there's a chance." I swallow hard. "It happens. Even with the preventative treatment."
"Fuck." Something fills his eyes but it's not fear, or pity, or need.
It's sympathy.
"Do me a favor, sunshine. Fill the glass and hand me the bottle."
It takes a bit of maneuvering to do it without climbing out of his lap, but I manage.
He wraps his hands around the bottle.
I hold up the glass. "What are we toasting to?"
"Don't know. Just know we need another round after that."
Chapter Twenty-Three
Dean
My throat burns. It's wrong drinking good whiskey this fast.
It's a bad idea, drinking at all.
This conversation is too serious for it.
The trust in Chloe's eyes is too intense for it.
My cock's whine is too loud for it.
Fuck, she's a lot braver than I am. Facing that. Telling me. Letting her guard down.
I don't deserve it, but, fuck, I want it so badly.
I want to become the kind of guy who deserves her.
Chloe licks the last drop of whiskey from her glass. Its soft, slick surface glides over my shoulder as she wraps her arms around my neck.
Her crotch rubs against mine as she moves closer.
Her dark eyes fill with nerves. "You aren't saying anything."
"Girl's never told me she had cancer before."
Her laugh breaks up the tension in her brow. "You get around. That's surprising."
"Is it usually considered an aphrodisiac?"
Her long bangs fall in front of her dark eyes as she shakes her head. "Alex left after I told him."
"Asshole."
"Yeah." Her fingers dig into my hair. "He wasn't committed. He would have left sooner or later."
Maybe. But that's not the story she's selling. Hurt seeps into her voice, her jaw, her eyes.
She isn't over her ex leaving.
Not that I blame her—fuck that asshole.
I want to punch his stupid face. To make him hurt as much as she did.
But that isn't gonna do shit to fix this.
She's still going to have the weight of that abandonment on her shoulders.
And I…
My eyes close as her fingertips brush my neck. Inch by inch, she presses her body against mine. First, her pelvis, then her stomach, her chest.
Her cheek brushes mine.
Her hands dig into my hair.
I've wanted a lot of women in my lap, but this is different. I want more than her body.
I want her heart.
I want her soul.
I want her everything.
And here she is, offering it.
It should be perfect. Easy.
Everything inside me is begging me to reach out and take her.
Everything but the one shred of decency buried deep.
I can't grab her unless I'm sure I won't let go.
I can't fail her like everyone else has.
Somehow, I knew that seven years ago.
But now? Now that she's laying herself bare for me…
"Dean." She drags her fingertips over my jawline. "Please say something."
"I'm sorry."
Her eyes turn down. "Oh."
"No." I drop the bottle on the couch. Reach up and rest my palm on her cheek.
Her eyelids press together. She turns her head to one side, leaning into my touch. Soaking up the affection in it.
"I'm sorry you went through that, sunshine."
She just barely nods.
"I want to fuck you. I'm going out of my mind over how badly I want to fuck you."
"It's not a boner killer?"
I can't help but laugh. "Is that the normal reaction?"
"I've only ever told Alex." Her tongue slides over her lips. "Does it change the way you think of me?"
"Yeah."
"Oh." Her chest slumps with her exhale.
"Not like that, sunshine. I want you just as badly. More."
"More?" Her eyelids blink open. Her dark eyes fix on mine. "Why?"
"'Cause you're letting me in."
"Is that what you want?"
"Yeah."
"You don't sound happy about it."
'Cause I'm terrified. "This is uncharted territory for me."
"Me too." She runs her fingertips over my jawline. "I need you to kiss me now."
Fuck, I need to kiss her now.
My free hand goes to the space between her shoulder blades. I pull her closer. Until every inch of her is pressed against every inch of me.
I kiss her softly.
Then harder.
Her need pours into me.
My need pours into her.
It's overwhelming.
How the hell do you let yourself need someone?
Trust them to be there?
Trust yourself to be there for them?
For the last decade, I've kept women at a distance. I've convinced the entire world I don't give a shit about anything.
Hell, I convince myself most of the time.
But Chloe…
My fingers dig into her soft skin.
My tongue dances with hers.
Her groan vibrates down my throat.
I need more of that groan.
I need her coming on my face.
She pulls back with a heavy sigh. "You're good at that."
My cheeks flush. It's weird feeling shy. I've fucked more women than I can remember. But this? Kissing someone I care about— Not sure I've ever done that.
Not with anyone else.
"Oh." Her lips curl into a half smile. "That isn't how I thought I'd get you blushing."
"Me either."
"You're scared?"
"Not exactly."