I shrug.
“And you’ve told her about Kieran?”
I shake my head.
“But you’re planning on telling her?”
“Yes. Just not yet.”
“I never had you down as a coward—so that shows how much I know about people.”
“I’m trying to do my best with her, Gabriel. I’m rubbish at talking about stuff and I know I need to tell her but it’s hard. And we are talking; we’re talking about lots of things. You know me, and know my Black side so well, but Annalise sees the other side of me. And I admit I’m scared that she may never understand me or accept me like you do. I’m terrified of that. But that doesn’t mean she doesn’t know the other side of me, the good side. She’s always been able to see that. I want to be with her. I want to be good.”
He looks at me. His face is dotted with raindrops but I think there are tears too.
“I love her. I always have. You know that.”
“And me?”
And I know he means how I feel about him and me kissing him.
“You’re my friend, Gabriel.”
“Do you kiss all your friends like that?” But he asks it without the harshness of his other questions. It’s a real question.
“Just you.”
We’re silent. I want to say something but as ever words fail me completely and I daren’t reach out to him. I know that would be wrong.
Gabriel says, “You know if we join the Alliance we’ll be lucky to end up in one of those.” He nods at the grave. “If we get caught we’ll be cut up into little bits, and I’m not sure what they do with the bits.” He jabs his spade at the ground and says, “I hope I do end up in a grave. My sister hasn’t got one—a grave, I mean.”
I nod. “All the time they kept me in the cage, I knew they could kill me at any time, and if they caught my father then they’d kill me for sure. I thought they’d bury me by the cage. But I never thought I’d have a grave or mourners or anything. And now if I’m caught and tortured and . . . well, if it happens that way, if I die that way, then that’s what will happen. I don’t want it to and I’ll do what I can to make it not happen but, let’s face it, my life isn’t ever going to be peace and harmony. I can run wherever I want but they’ll come after me, Gabriel. Whether I join the Alliance or not. You know that.
“I have a dream of a quiet life by a river but I can’t have it, at least not while Soul and Wallend are alive and there are Hunters in the world. I’ll always be looking over my shoulder and the Hunters’ll catch me sooner or later. I have to fight for the Alliance and hope that when it’s over I’ll have the life I want. A life without persecution, outside a cage. I’d like to have one day free like that. To think that nobody was after me. Nobody was hunting me. A day to enjoy. But first I have to fight.”
“It’ll be bad, Nathan. The fighting.”
“Mercury once told me that I was made for killing. I’m sure she didn’t envisage I’d kill her. But I’m beginning to think she’s right. That is what I’m made for. That’s why I’m here.”
Gabriel shakes his head. “No one’s made for killing. And you aren’t.”
“And you? What will you do?”
“If you fight then I fight too.”
“If you don’t believe in it, Gabriel, don’t do it.”
“I can’t not be with you, Nathan. I wanted to leave you in that grave and walk away and I couldn’t. I can’t walk ten paces away from you without it hurting me. I treasure every second with you. Every second. More than you know.” He looks down and then back up into my eyes. “I’ll be your friend forever. I’ll help you with each breath I take and I’ll stay with you. I love you, Nathan. From the day I met you, I loved you and I love you more each day.”
I don’t know what to say.
“But that doesn’t mean I think you’re right about things. The Alliance won’t be interested in you apart from how many people you can kill. And I think you’ll kill lots. And as for the girl you say you love, who doesn’t know the first thing about you because you’re too afraid to tell her the truth—well, I think you’re right to be afraid because she will not understand you; she cannot. And the more you kill and the more she sees that half of you . . .” He shrugs. “I think she’ll end up dreading you.”
And I think he’s finished but then he says, “As for me I’ll always love you. Even when I’m buried deep in one of those.” He nods at the grave. “I’ll still love you. Forever.”
Gabriel goes into the bunker and I stand in the rain, letting it wash some of the mud from my clothes.
The Fairborn Is Mine