I tell Gabriel, “I can remember all of it.” I even remember transforming back. Once Mercury was dead I stayed with her, almost feeling her life dissipate into the silence around me. Nesbitt staggered to Van and knelt over her, checking her pulse, talking to her, telling her to heal. She was burned, smoldering and blackened. Nesbitt spoke quietly to her. He smelled of sorrow. Gabriel came out of the corridor. He no longer held a gun. He walked toward me, arms out, palms facing me. Not quite meeting my gaze, looking at the floor and glancing up, and he sat on the wet rug near me. I lay down by him and rested, and the animal adrenaline left me and in a second I had transformed back. I returned to this me. Nathan.
Gabriel says, “That’s good, that you remember.”
“Yeah, maybe. I don’t know.” I turn to face him. “It’s different when I’m the animal. I’m not the same.” I say it so quietly that I don’t know if he can even hear me.
“Don’t be afraid of your Gift, Nathan.”
“I’m not afraid of it, not anymore. But once I’m transformed, when I’m the animal, everything is different. I’m sort of watching him but also part of him, feeling all the things he feels. And it feels amazing, Gabriel, to be completely, absolutely him—to be completely, absolutely wild. I don’t want to be an animal, Gabriel, but, when I am, it’s the best feeling. The best, wildest, most intensely beautiful feeling. I always thought a person’s Gift reflected something about that person and all I can think is that my Gift reflects my desires, and my desires are to be totally wild, totally free. Without any control.”
“You enjoyed it?”
“Is that wrong?”
“There’s no right or wrong here, Nathan.”
I don’t know if I can say it but I want to tell him, so I do. “It feels good.”
He comes closer to me and says, “I love it when you’re honest with me. You’re more in touch with the real you than anyone I’ve ever met.”
And I know he’s going to kiss me again and I put my hand out against his chest to stop him.
But then I look at him, at his face, his eyes, and the gold in them tumbling around, and I don’t know why I’m fighting this too. I’m curious about him. And just touching his chest is something. It’s nice. It feels good. I’m not sure what I want to do and I know I’ll stop if it doesn’t feel good.
I slide my hand up to his shoulder and behind his neck. I’m leaning my head the slightest amount, bending forward, and he doesn’t move. He’s so still. My hand is round his neck, in his hair. I’m not looking in his eyes but at his lips and as quietly as I can I say, “Gabriel.”
I’m so close to him our lips are almost touching, and then I move closer so our lips are touching as I say his name again. It’s like a kiss but it’s not really a kiss. And it’s nice and I want more. I move my lips without saying his name, still barely touching, then closer, caressing his lips with mine. And he kisses me. I don’t care anymore about anything. I want to feel more and I’m desperate and kissing Gabriel on the mouth harder and harder and pulling his body to me as hard as I can, my arms round him, our mouths open, tongues licking each other, our teeth clashing, and then I’m pushing him away. Pushing him hard against the wall. And then I back away from him and walk out of the bathroom.
I’m supposed to be with Annalise. I don’t understand any of what’s happening to me.
The Locked Drawer
It seems like a lifetime since Mercury kissed Annalise to wake her. I’ve been sitting here with Annalise for three or four hours and I’m glad she’s still asleep. I can sit on the chair by her bed, my head rested back and my eyes half open, and look at her, at her pure beauty, and if I think about that I don’t have to think about other stuff.
There’s a knock on the door and before I say anything Van walks in. I can see that she’s healed well and fast but one side of her face is scarred.
“Nesbitt said you were here. Any change?” she asks.
“Nothing. Mercury said she’d done the first stage of the process; she said it’d be hours before the next. But I’ve no idea what that is. I don’t know if I have to do something or what.”
Van sits on a chair on the other side of the bed. She’s wearing a new clean suit and looks as perfect as ever. Even her hair isn’t looking too bad, though I can see some of it has been burned off around her right ear.
She lights a cigarette and says, “Let’s wait and see. I would assume the next stage is when Annalise starts to wake.”
I close my eyes and doze. I think of Gabriel. I wanted to kiss him, wanted to know what it was like, and it was nice, good. I liked it. But I’d rather kiss Annalise. And Gabriel is my friend, though I’ve probably messed that up, but I hope not because Gabriel of all people should understand. Though I’m not sure what there is to understand.
I open my eyes and sit up. Without really thinking about it, I say to Van, “Do you think I have to do something?”
“To wake Annalise?”
“Yes.”
Van tilts her head to the left and she sits up a little. “Do something like . . . ?”
“I don’t know. The old stories say the prince wakes the sleeping princess with a kiss. Mercury kissed her but maybe I need to as well.”
“I can’t believe you haven’t tried it,” Van says. “Though two kisses doesn’t feel much like Mercury’s sort of thing.” She looks at Annalise. “But it has to be said that nothing much is happening now.”