Sometimes my body does strange things. It changes. I need to think about that more. I need to try to work out how it changes, why it changes, and what the fuck it changes into.
I don’t ever remember it but I know it happens because I wake up naked and a little less hungry. Though sometimes I’m sick, vomiting up the night’s meal, then retching again and again. I don’t know if it’s cos my body can’t take what I’ve eaten. I eat small animals mainly, though I don’t remember catching them. But I know it’s happening cos there’re little bones in my vomit and rags of furry skin and blood. There was a tail once. A rat’s tail, I think. I know I change into some kind of animal. It’s the only explanation. I have the same Gift as my father. But I don’t remember any of it: not transforming, not being an animal, not transforming back. Nothing until I wake up after it all. I always sleep so I guess I must be exhausted by it.
I got a small deer last night. Woke up next to its half-eaten body. Haven’t puked that up. I think my stomach’s getting used to it. I’ve been hungry, dead hungry, but now I’m not. So I guess that goes to show you can get used to anything, even raw meat. Still, I could murder a proper meal. A burger, chips, stew, mash, roast beef, and Yorkshire pudding. Human stuff. A pie. Custard!
Careful!
Best not to think about what I can’t have: that’s the route downhill. Must be careful with my thoughts. Mustn’t drift into the negative. And I’ve been good at staying positive today, so I can reward myself by thinking about other people, even my father, but I have to be extra careful with thoughts about him.
I met him. I met Marcus. He didn’t kill me, which I never really thought he would, but given his reputation it could have gone either way.
I went through most of my childhood believing Marcus didn’t care for me but it turns out he was thinking of me all the time, just as I was thinking of him. And he always planned to help me. He searched me out. Then he stopped time for me, which I’m guessing isn’t a simple thing to do, even for him. He performed my Giving ceremony: let me drink his blood and gave me three gifts. And the gold ring he gave me, his ring, is on my finger, and I rotate it and hold it to my lips and feel its heaviness and taste the metal. The bullet my father took out of me, the magical Hunter bullet, is in my pocket. I sometimes feel that too, though I’m not sure I even like having it as it’s a Hunter thing. And the third gift he gave me, my life, is still with me. I don’t know if that really counts as I’ve never heard of any gift not being a physical thing before but he’s Marcus and I guess he knows what he’s doing.
I’m alive because of my father. I have my Gift because of my father, and that Gift is the same as his. Most witches struggle to find their Gift, maybe taking a year or more to work out what it is, but I didn’t even have to look for mine. It found me. And I don’t know if that’s a good thing. Best to think of something else . . .
My family is a positive thing to think about. I don’t often go negative when I’m doing family. I still miss Arran but nowhere near as bad as when I was Celia’s prisoner. Those first weeks in my cage I missed my brother so much. But that was years ago . . . two years ago, I think. The Council took me just before my fifteenth birthday, just before Arran’s Giving. Yes, it’s over two years since then but I know he’s OK and Deborah too. Ellen, my Half Blood friend, contacted Arran, showed him a picture of me, and I saw a video of him, heard his message to me. But I know that they’re better off without me. I can never see them again but it’s OK because they know that I’m alive, I’ve escaped, and I’m free. Being positive is what I do and that is a positive thing because the longer I’m away from them the better it is for the people I care about.
Sometimes I sit in the cave entrance, maybe lie down and sleep there for a bit, but I’m not sleeping too well and generally I feel more comfortable waiting up here in my tree where I have a good view. The mountainside is steep here; no one’s going to come strolling by on a whim. But you never know. And Hunters are good at hunting. I try not to think about Hunters too much, although pretending they don’t exist isn’t sensible. So, anyway, I sit up in my tree and when it’s dark, like now, I allow myself to remember the old days, before I was taken by the Council, before Celia, before they kept me in my cage.
My favorite memory is of me and Arran playing in the wood near Gran’s house. I was hiding in a tree and when Arran finally spotted me he climbed up to join me, but I went further and further out on a thin limb. He begged me to stop so I moved back to sit with him, much like I am now, me leaning back on him, our legs astride the branch. And I’d give so much to sit with him like that again, to feel the warmth of his body supporting mine. To tell that he’s smiling from the movement of his chest, to feel his breath, his arm round me.