The two women exchanged a happy look, then smiled at me.
“We would be delighted to accept any assistance,” said Miss Meg.
“How wonderful!” agreed Miss Eleanor. “But—” She looked to her aunt. Miss Meg, acknowledging her niece’s stare, inhaled deeply, as though for courage.
“Mr. Burton. In light of your kind offer,” she said, “we would like to present an offer of our own.”
“Yes,” I said, leaning back in my chair and crossing my arms while steeling myself for the question.
“We would like to keep young Caroline,” Miss Eleanor burst in. “Please say we may! These past months she has become the center of our lives. We are both in love with her, and we would like to raise her as our own.”
“It is true, she already feels like our own,” Miss Meg added.
I leaned forward. “But she is my daughter. She has my blood, you understand.”
“We do,” said Miss Elly, “and that is why we thought you might agree. She need never know!”
Though Robert had prepared me for this, a sickening note lay behind their offer. They were not disguising their intent; they were openly saying that my daughter would never know me as her father. Were they right? Was this, then, the best solution?
“I need time to think this through,” I said.
The women graciously assured me that they understood. We adjourned after I asked to be excused from the upcoming afternoon meal.
“Would you join us for a late super?” Miss Meg asked, then smiled. “We will be alone. Mother does not enjoy the evening meal with us.”
“I will be there,” I said, forcing a return smile.
I found Robert waiting in the hall and requested that he have Hester bring Kitty to my room. However, it was not Hester but another Negro woman who came with Kitty. Robert introduced her to me as the one who had come from Philadelphia to be Caroline’s wet nurse.
I took Kitty and placed her on the bed to better examine her. Uncovered, she pumped her arms and legs joyfully. When she cooed up at me, my heart twisted. Quickly, I bundled her up and gave her back to the nurse. The time had come to make decisions that could not be made with a tender heart.
“Where is Hester?” I asked Robert.
“She left a short while ago with Miss Adelaide. You were with Miss Madden and Miss Meg when Miss Adelaide’s relatives came for her. Miss Adelaide did not want to go without seeing you first, and I apologize, sir, but she extracted a promise from me that you would come to see her later in the day. She sat in a chair and refused to leave. I’m afraid there was no way around it.” Robert could not keep the annoyance from his voice. I would have smiled under different circumstances.
I turned my attention to Caroline’s wet nurse. The young Negro woman appeared downcast and, when questioned, was quick to say that she wanted only to return to her home in Philadelphia. How well I understood. I assured the woman that we would soon see to her return, and she smiled with delight. Taking advantage of her response, I asked if she, in the next few days, was willing and able to provide sustenance for Kitty as well as for Caroline.
“I’s doin’ so already. This lil one don’ need much,” she said.
After she left with Kitty, Robert stood back. I sat on the edge of the bed, unsure of how to disclose my decisions to Robert. “Walk with me,” I said, and after he fetched my hat, we left for the outdoors. I didn’t speak until we had walked out a good distance on the country road.
“I would prefer to be staying at an inn,” I said, “but I don’t want to be turned away, should rumors already be afloat. We must leave here as soon as possible. By tomorrow, if we are able.”
“Yes, sir,” was Robert’s eager response.
“I do not know where I am bound,” I said.
“Yes, sir,” he said again.
“You have no obligation to me, Robert.” I dreaded what I needed to say, but I forced myself to follow through. “I know that you consider Philadelphia your home; as you know, I can no longer consider it mine. That limitation is from my own doing, but you should not be penalized for my mistakes. I will give you a substantial purse, and I shall be pleased to give you excellent references.”
“Mr. Burton! Are you saying that you no longer need my services?” Robert’s voice betrayed his shock.
“I will always need a loyal friend,” I said, unable to supply another answer.
“And you are dismissing me because I have done something wrong, something inappropriate?”
“Quite the contrary, Robert. You have provided everything and more, but I must release you. I have no idea what I will do or where I am going. I don’t know where I belong, Robert. I need to free myself of all encumbrances. I need time to—”
“And what of Miss Caroline? What of Pan? And Kitty? Will you release them as well?”
“Miss Madden has offered to take Miss Caroline on as her own, and you must see the wisdom in that,” I said. “As for Kitty, I will pay the nurse a generous stipend to take her back to Philadelphia if she will agree to care for her in her home. Perhaps in time . . .”
“And what of Pan?” Robert’s voice rose in anger.
“I will find a school and provide for him in that way. Perhaps Miss Madden has a suggestion. One up north, of course.”
I was surprised how easily the plans fell into place, for I had formulated them only in the last few hours.
I walked on, lost in my thoughts, before I realized that Robert was no longer at my side. I turned back and saw him standing in the middle of the road, staring at me in astonishment. I waited for him to walk up to me, but when he remained where he was, I retraced my steps.
“Mr. Burton,” he said, his voice quavering, “forgive me for what I am about to say.”
“Speak freely, Robert.” Determined not be swayed, I looked away as I prepared to allow him his opinion. That much I owed the man.
“Mr. Burton, I will leave if you wish, but my choice would be to stay in your service as long as you will have me. I am willing to make my home wherever you choose to settle. But I would also ask that you reconsider what you have in mind for your three young charges. I ask—no, I plead that you not leave them behind.”
“I must, Robert,” I said. “I cannot assume all of that responsibility. I will continue to present myself as a white man, for that is the way I view myself. Given the facts, society does not accept me as such, and thus I must keep my past hidden. This lack of truth-telling is a difficult way to live and not one that supports family life. If I were to raise these children and my lies were uncovered, how would they view me then? No! It cannot be. If I provide financially for them and see to their proper placement, surely you agree that I am meeting my obligations.”
“No, Mr. Burton, I do not agree! How necessary is it for you to live as a white man? Yes, there will be consequences, but slowly, society is advancing. Miss Caroline has already lost her mother. Would you abandon her as well? And when she is older, won’t she have the same issues to face? Who better than you to guide her through? Pan admires you above anyone else, and after the loss of his father, he needs your guidance. As for Kitty, you’ve provided her freedom, but you would send her off without the benefit of your care?”
Anger overrode my guilt. He, of anyone, should understand my decision. “Robert, please! I’ve made up my mind. I cannot do it!” I began to walk toward town.
“You would discard all of us so readily?” he called after me, and when his voice broke, I didn’t need to see his face to know that he was shedding tears. I increased my pace. I couldn’t afford his sentimentality. I had made the best decision for everyone. Robert would see that in time.