If every woman who heard that what if in her heart allowed it to feed the flame in her belly to pursue who she might be, not only would she shock herself with what she’s capable of, but she’d astound everyone else as well. I’m convinced that if she—if we—just lived life in pursuit of answering that question, the effect on the world around us would be atomic.
Most of us only consciously use a small percentage of our brain power. But have you ever seen one of those movies where the protagonist suddenly has access to all of it? They take a pill or get trained by a secret government agency, and all of a sudden they can bend metal with their minds and solve the world’s poverty crisis in just a few hours because they’re using their full potential. I’m convinced that many women in this world of ours are like Peter Parker, pre-radioactive spider bite—they’re operating at a fraction of their potential because they haven’t encountered a catalyst strong enough to unlock it.
Only a small part of our population is encouraged to believe in themselves and their potential from childhood on. People raised with advantages tend to see more possibilities. People who were taught self-worth from a young age are more likely to believe in their capabilities as adults. People with more resources usually perceive a goal as more easily achieved than those who have less. But what if you weren’t raised to believe in yourself? What if you didn’t have advantages or many resources? How likely would you be to believe you’re capable of so much more? How likely would you be to stick with your goal when you get knocked off course?
But what if you did stick with it? What if you did believe? And not only you, but what if all sorts of women all over the world made the decision to replace other people’s expectations with their own imaginations of who they might be?
Can you imagine if 25 percent more of the world, or 15 percent more or even just 5 percent more women decided to embrace their what if? Can you imagine if they stopped allowing the guilt or shame that comes from not being a certain way or a certain type of woman to squash their potential? Can you imagine the exponential growth we’d see in everything from art to science to technology to literature? Can you imagine how much more joyful and fulfilled those women would be? Can you imagine how their families would be affected? How about the community? How about other women who see their success and are inspired and emboldened by it and use it as a catalyst to spark change in their own lives? If that sort of revolution were to occur—a revolution of what if—we would change the world.
In fact, I believe we can change the world. But first, we’ve got to stop living in fear of being judged for who we are.
I’ve been sitting here for the last twelve minutes trying to figure out exactly how to ease us into this discussion topic, but you know what? We’re all grown-up women; we can handle it. We can handle real conversation. We can handle someone holding a mirror up to our lives, and we can admit some hard truths when it comes to what’s holding us back.
So here it is: women are afraid of themselves.
No, it’s true. If we weren’t afraid of ourselves we wouldn’t spend so much time apologizing constantly for who we are, what we want out of life, and the time required for us to pursue both.
For the average woman, the story goes something like this. When you came into the world you were totally and utterly yourself. It wasn’t a conscious decision to be exactly who you were; it was instinct. Were you loud? Were you quiet? Did you crave cuddles? Were you fine on your own?
Your needs were simple, your focus was crystal clear, and you didn’t ever think about being any certain way—you just were. Then something changed. Something big happened, something that would shape the rest of your life, even if you couldn’t have been aware of it at the time.
You learned about expectation.
There you were, being your adorable baby self, and suddenly that didn’t cut it anymore. You were expected to do things: stop throwing your sippy cup on the floor, stop screaming when you don’t get your way, start using the restroom like an actual person, stop biting your brother just because you feel like it. Two really critical things happened during the period when we switched from being totally accepted as is to having to live up to some expectation.
The first is that we learned to live within societal norms. This is a good thing because, sister, if you were still using a diaper at thirty-two because nobody helped you figure out a toilet, that would not be cute.
The second thing that happened is that we learned how to get attention, and to a child attention equals love. In fact, if you never learn any better, you’ll go through your entire life believing that to have someone’s notice means you are loved. See: social media as a whole.
Listen up, because I’m about to tell you something that may help you understand literally every person you know and possibly yourself as well. When you were a newborn you needed constant care and notice to stay alive, but at some point you stopped getting that undivided attention because you didn’t need it anymore. But you still liked other people’s regard (you were a baby after all), and so your clever mind started to test out ways to get notice on demand. Some toddlers get attention by being affectionate, so they learn to be dependent upon it. Some toddlers get attention by doing something that makes their parents laugh, so they learn to entertain. Some toddlers learn to get attention by doing something good that everybody praises; they become an achiever. Some toddlers notice that when they fall down and hurt themselves or when they’re sick, Mommy gives them extra time and care; a hypochondriac is born. Some toddlers can’t get any attention no matter what they do, so they kick and scream and throw a fit. Being angry is better than being ignored. These toddler tendencies can turn into childhood habits. Childhood habits that go unaltered turn into our unconscious ways of being.
I know it sounds like one big sweeping generalization, but seriously, ask yourself if this sounds like any adults you know. Do you have anyone in your life who always has problems? No matter what day of the week it is, the sky is always falling? That’s because their problems give them the attention they crave from others. Do you know anyone in your life who’s an overachiever? A workaholic? Always pushing themselves? That’s likely because they—like me—got attention through achievement as a child, and the habit is hard to break. Do you know any women who seem utterly helpless? They constantly need someone else to help them, fix the problem, or counsel them through every decision? I’d bet my bottom dollar it’s because they were raised in a home that fed them those lies or controlled every decision for so long that they have no confidence in their own capabilities.
My point is, we learn at a very early age that there are things we can do to hold on to attention, and even if the specifics of how we do it morph and change over time, the overarching way we’re taught to gain notice as a child—from being entertaining to being an achiever, chronically sick, overly angry, or always in crisis—often remains the same and affects the way we seek attention as adults.
For me, it was always through achievement that I was able to receive notice from my parents. What this taught me at a very early age was that in order to be loved I needed to do things to earn it. Did my parents love me? Absolutely. But to a child for whom notice is the outpouring of love, the absence of any leads to a desperation to learn what she can do to receive it.
So, let’s recap. You’re a child and you learn that certain behaviors will get you notice. This begins to implant itself into who you’re growing to become. But that’s not the only hurtful thing you’re learning. It’s around the same age when you not only learn how to get love, but you’re told who you’ll have to be in order to keep receiving it.