He didn’t look up.
What was I doing? I wasn’t going to beg him. He’d dismissed me. I would have done the same. Just thinking about him kissing someone else made my chest ache. I held the pajamas closer to my chest as if it would prevent my heart from breaking any more. There was nothing else to say. I’d lost my mom and my uncle. And it made me feel abandoned and alone. And I’d just held on to anyone and anything that offered me comfort. Matt didn’t understand what it was like to lose everything. Yes, he’d lost his aunt, but it wasn’t the same. And even though it wasn’t an excuse for my behavior, it had still happened. I couldn’t undo it. I couldn’t rewind time, even though I desperately wanted to. I’d just lost the best thing I’d ever had. And I was so fucking sorry.
Part of me wanted to close the distance between us and hug him. But he looked so un-inviting. He didn’t want me anymore. And I had no one to blame but myself. It felt like I didn’t know how to do anything right anymore. He was all I wanted. Why had I messed it up? Why? I walked past him before I broke. He didn’t stop me. It stung worse than him removing his hand from mine.
I opened the door, but he reached out and slammed it shut. His body was pressed to my back, caging me in.
“No more running,” he said, his breath hot on the back of my neck. “For once, you’re going to stay. We’re going to fight. And then we’ll make up.”
“Matt…”
He kissed the side of my neck and I lost the ability to speak. His lips felt so much freaking better than the tears falling down my cheeks. He slid the ring back on my finger as he kissed my neck again and more tears fell.
I thought he was kicking me out. But he wanted me to stay? I tried to turn around but he pulled me against him.
“I don’t want to fight with you,” I said.
“Too bad.” He lightly nipped my earlobe. “Because I’m furious with you.”
“Matt, I’m sorry, I…”
“Tell me,” he said, cutting me off. “Did he touch you here?” His fingers slid beneath my shirt, skimming the top of my underwear.
I swallowed hard. “No.”
“What about here?” His fingers slid beneath the lacy material.
“No.” My head rolled back on his shoulder. This didn’t feel like a fight. It felt like we were already making up.
“Did you want him? To touch you there?”
“Never.”
“Brooklyn.” His voice cracked.
I closed my eyes. We definitely hadn’t skipped the fight. Or else he wouldn’t have sounded so sad. “He didn’t touch me like this,” I said. “And I didn’t want him to.”
“Then why did you sleep in his bed?”
“Because I felt alone.”
“Imagine how I felt.” His fingers slid lower. “You wouldn’t answer my texts or calls. You iced me out. I was suffering just as much as you.”
He was right. I should have heard him out. I was hurt but I should have cared that he was hurting. “I thought you were keeping a secret to protect your friend,” I said. “And when I found out it was because you did something to hurt him? It was hard to believe your side.” Especially because I hadn’t given him a chance to explain.
“So you ran from me instead of talking? Why is your first instinct to run?”
“I don’t know.” It was hard talking to him when his fingers were so distracting.
“You do.” His lips traced the back of my ear. “Tell me.”
I squeezed my eyes shut. “It’s hard for me to love people, Matt. Everyone I love leaves me.”
His kiss was gentle on my neck. “So why’d you leave me if you knew how much it fucking hurts?”
I was protecting my heart because he kept hurting it. And if I gave it to him like he was asking? I could lose everything. “Because then you couldn’t leave me.”
“I would never leave you, Brooklyn. I don’t know how many times I can say it. I don’t know how many times you have to push me away to prove that I’ll keep coming back. But I’m not going anywhere. You belong with me.”
I nodded. I did. I belonged in his arms. Just like this.
“Do you promise to stop running from me?”
“Yes.” His fingers slid slightly lower. God.
“I don’t want you talking to James anymore.”
The segue didn’t surprise me at all. I almost expected him to have a few contingencies. I’d proven that I was an untrustworthy flight risk. And if this is what he needed for me to prove I wasn’t, I’d give it to him. My friendship with James wasn’t worth losing Matt. “I won’t. I swear.”
There was a long stretch of silence.
“Okay,” he finally said. It didn’t sound like a dismissal this time.
I tried to turn to face him again but he gripped my waist, keeping me in place.
“Tell me what you want right now.” The tip of his nose ran down the side of my neck before he nibbled my shoulder through the thin fabric of his t-shirt. “And maybe I’ll give it to you.”
I swallowed hard. Not this again. Was he hellbent on torturing me? I didn’t know what to say. No, that wasn’t exactly true. I knew exactly what I wanted. “Touch me.” I wanted to skip to the make up portion he promised. I never wanted to fight with him again. I expected an explosion, not a heated conversation where he held me hostage with his hands. He fought unfairly. I’d always give him whatever he wanted like this.
“Here?” He kissed my shoulder where he’d just bitten.
“No,” I moaned. “Lower.”
“Here?” He kissed farther down on my shoulder blade, his hand not moving an inch.
“No, not there.”
“Say it, Brooklyn. Tell me what you want from me.” He tugged on my earlobe with his teeth.
“Poke me in the pants.” What? Really? That’s what I came up with? I wasn’t even wearing pants.
He laughed, kissing the side of my neck. “As endearing as that is…I want you to tell me that you need my fingers inside of you. Or would you rather have my tongue?”
“All of it.”
He finally let me turn around to face him. His eyes weren’t cold and distant anymore. He looked hungry. For me.
“I want all of you,” I whispered.