“It’s not about that. Please, just let me get this off my chest.”
He pulled his eyebrows together, but he didn’t say a word.
I picked up the story about James where I’d left off before. How he came back to the apartment with me. Washed my cuts. Held me in the shower and let me cry.
“Did you kiss him again?” Matt asked. His voice wasn’t angry. He just sounded…defeated.
“No. I promised you I wouldn’t, remember?”
He just stared at me.
“At homecoming. You told me not to kiss him again. I promised I wouldn’t. That kiss was a mistake. I saw you with Rachel and I was so angry.” I pressed my lips together. It didn’t matter why I kissed James. It only mattered that I had.
He nodded, even though I knew that night was foggy for him. “Do you have feelings for him?”
“I think I feel close to him because he’s sad. He knows what it feels like to be drowning all the time. It was nice to be miserable together.” I used James’ words to describe it. “But I love you. I only want to be with you.”
Matt’s hand was still cradled in mine. I held it tighter, afraid he might pull away. But it wasn’t necessary. Because he just shook his head.
“Then there’s nothing for me to be upset about,” he said. “James was there for you when I couldn’t be.” He ran his tongue along his lower lip, like he always did when he was thinking. “I can’t be mad at anyone but myself.”
That wasn’t how I wanted him to feel. But he was being more understanding than I thought he would be. One of the reasons we’d broken up in the first place was because he’d gotten mad when I borrowed Felix’s blazer at school. He wasn’t usually so understanding when it came to me hanging out with other boys. But I had to take this as a win. Because there was more to confess.
“That’s not everything,” I said.
He just stared at me, his dark brown eyes swirling with something I didn’t understand.
“While we were fighting, I felt so alone. And I was scared at the Pruitts’ apartment.” God, why was I making excuses? That wasn’t what this was about. This was about Matt and me no longer having secrets. I took a deep breath. “I started seeing someone. He…”
“Was it James?”
I shook my head. “No.”
“Was it Felix?”
“No. It’s…”
“If it wasn’t one of them, I don’t want to know who it was.”
“But…”
Matt pulled his hand out of mine.
It stung worse than I ever thought it would. I felt so cold when he wasn’t touching me. And I had this weird sensation that maybe my father used to be warm too. And that when my mom left his life, he’d turned cold and bitter. I blinked away my tears.
Matt stood up and now I recognized the look on his face. I assumed it was how I looked when I first stepped into Empire High. Broken.
I’d been so worried that he’d break my heart. Why hadn’t I protected his?
“Did you kiss whoever it was?” he asked.
“Yes.” I held my breath.
“Did you sleep with him?”
“No.” I shook my head. “I mean, technically I slept in his bed, but we didn’t…”
He winced. “I don’t want to hear any more.”
“I’m done with everyone else, Matt. The next time I see him, I’ll make sure he knows. And I’ll make sure to tell Felix the same. I’ll even make sure James knows. I love you and only you,” I said.
“Okay.”
He didn’t say he loved me back. And I didn’t know what he meant by okay. But it didn’t sound like anything was okay. He just stood there, staring at me, a frown on his perfect face.
“Okay.” The word was barely audible from my lips.
He kept staring at me. His chest rose and fell. And then he turned away, like he couldn’t bear to look at me anymore.
That was a dismissal. He didn’t have to say the words. I knew when I wasn’t wanted. I slowly stood up. I grabbed my pajamas off his nightstand and pulled them to my chest. My mom’s perfume wafted around me. Was this how my mom felt when she walked away from my dad? Like her heart was in a million little pieces?
Matt ran his hand through his perfect golden hair. For just a few minutes, I’d been the one to do that for him.
I clutched the pajamas closer to my chest. My mom had walked away to protect me. But walking away from Matt? That wasn’t protecting anyone. It was killing me. Was it killing him too? I stood there for another moment, hoping he’d turn around. But he didn’t.
And just like that, I was invisible again. Staring at him from a distance. Wanting him desperately, but knowing I could never have him.
“I’m so sorry, Matt. I should have heard you out right away. I was just so…angry with you. I thought you were keeping what happened with Rachel a secret in part because you didn’t want to tell me the truth. And I didn’t understand why you didn’t trust me with what Isabella had on you. I didn’t understand why you kept me in the dark. I would have believed you if you’d been upfront about it. And I would have kept your secret.” I instantly regretted the last thing I said.
“Yeah, you’re good at secrets, Brooklyn.”
Ouch. I bit the inside of my lip. It hurt because he was right. “I was never trying to hurt you. I was just trying not to…drown.”
He didn’t respond. He just shoved his hands into his pockets and looked down at the ground.
I didn’t want to leave his bedroom. I didn’t want to have to leave with Miller. It all felt wrong. But what was I supposed to do? Beg him to let me stay? “Matt?”