But then he turned his head as if he was looking for someone else. My heart started beating faster. Who else was he looking for? Was I even allowed to be jealous? I’d spent every night the past week in Miller’s arms. But I still found myself following Matt’s gaze, my heart beating faster.
My eyes landed on his mother. Mrs. Caldwell was staring right at me, a smile on her face. I quickly looked away. I didn’t know what that meant. Matt said she’d seen me at my uncle’s funeral. Did she recognize me now? Did she know I was responsible for breaking her son’s heart? And if so, why was she smiling?
“I really hope they go for a two-point conversion if they score,” Kennedy said. “Prescott is shitty at converting the PAT.”
“How do you know so much about football?” I asked. I needed her to distract me from Mrs. Caldwell’s prying eyes. But when I looked at Matt’s mom out of the corner of my eye, her attention was back on the field.
“I used to watch it with my Dad every Sunday.”
I pressed my lips together. Neither one of us talked much about what we’d lost. But whenever she did share something about her father, I felt that much closer to her. I’d gotten close to Matt, Miller, and Felix. But only Kennedy knew what it was like to lose a parent. Matt lost his aunt. Stop. I couldn’t think about that. I didn’t know if anything he said to me was true. Ever. He was a liar. He was just playing me. Like I played Felix? God, my head was going to explode.
Kennedy jumped to her feet and starting cheering like crazy when we scored. And I cheered right along with her. Mostly because it just felt good to scream at the top of my lungs. And maybe a little bit because it was easy to get caught up in the excitement.
By halftime we were up 19 to 7. It should have been 21, but Kenney was right. Prescott was shitty at kicking the PAT. He’d missed two. The stands started emptying out.
“Where is everyone going?” I asked.
“Probably to grab something from the concession stand. Or to use the bathroom.”
I felt silly. I thought there was some weird homecoming congregation or something. But food and using the toilet was the logical conclusion. “Are you hungry?”
“No. You?”
I shook my head.
“So what’s going on with you and Miller?” Kennedy asked.
I was glad it had quieted down enough for us to not have to yell. “Is it that obvious?”
She smiled. “No. I was kinda joking because it’s literally his job to stare at you.” She turned around and waved at him. “But now I know it’s more than that.”
I grabbed her arm to make her face forward again. “He’s the only one at the Pruitts’ apartment that isn’t a monster.”
“I thought you were getting along better with Satan?” Satan was Kennedy’s new affectionate term for Mr. Pruitt.
“I don’t know. Sometimes he’s nice. Sometimes he’s rude. I don’t know if he means to be. But I don’t fit in with any of them.”
“And you fit in with Miller?”
“Yes.” It came out as more of a question than a statement.
Kennedy laughed and adjusted her thin fall jacket. I made a mental note to give her one of my new ones. “Doesn’t he remind you of someone?” she asked.
“What?”
“Brooklyn, he’s just an older-looking version of Matt.”
“He is not.”
“Um…yes he is. Matt a few years in the future with brown hair.”
I turned and looked at him. His broad shoulders. His easy smile. Not that Matt’s smile came easy anymore. I quickly turned back around. “I don’t see it.” But it was a lie. I did see it. Is that why I climbed into his bed each night and let him hold me?
The marching band had come onto the field, making it a little harder for us to talk. But that didn’t deter Kennedy.
“I bet Miller played football when he was in high school,” she said.
I shook my head. Yes, maybe Miller looked a little like Matt. But the resemblance ended there. Miller couldn’t be more different. And he was definitely no jock. I knew for a fact that his muscles were from a moving company he used to work for before Mr. Pruitt hired him. He’d told me so. Miller wasn’t cocky. He wasn’t privileged. He was real. He was like me.
“Are you two serious?” she asked.
I shrugged. “He knows I still like Matt.”
“You’re still in love with Matt after everything he did?”
“I didn’t say that.”
“Yeah. But it doesn’t mean it isn’t true. Brooklyn, he kept you a secret for weeks because he didn’t want James to know he’d screwed Rachel. He lied to you. He…”
“Technically he didn’t lie. He just didn’t tell me.”
She shook her head. “Same difference.”
“Is this the part of the lecture where you tell me you warned me about the Untouchables? That guys like that don’t end up with girls like us?”
“What? No. It’s not a lecture at all. I’m just worried about you. It’s not like you to tell Felix you love him, then Matt within the same day, and now you’re with Miller a few days later? I’m worried about you.”
I bit the inside of my lip.
“What’s going on with you?” she asked.
I wanted to tell her she barely knew me better than any of those guys. But that wasn’t true. She knew me. Which was why it didn’t feel like I could filter myself. “I think maybe I just miss the feeling of being loved by someone. Unconditionally. And I know that there’s conditions with all of them. But for a few seconds when Miller holds me, I feel like someone’s on my side. Like I’m not alone.”
She kicked my shin lightly. “Girl, you have me. I love you. My mom loves you.”
“But I’m not allowed to live with you guys. Do you have any idea what it’s like for me to go back to the Pruitts’ after school every day? To live down the freaking hall from Isabella? I’m terrified all the time. I’m scared of her and her mom. I’m even scared of Mr. Pruitt. I don’t trust any of them. Some mornings my bedroom door is open. Did you know that? And I lock it, Kennedy. I swear I lock it.”