DON’T KISS ME
I WANT TO TELL THE WOMAN ACROSS FROM ME THAT IF YOU SPRITZ AIR FRESHENER INTO YOUR PURSE IT WILL NO LONGER SMELL SO PURSE-LIKE
BUT SEE THEN I WOULD HAVE TO EXPLAIN HOW I AM AFRAID OF THE SMELL OF NEW ITEMS, AND JUST THIS MORNING I CONFESSED HOW I AM AFRAID IT IS SALIVA COMING OUT OF THE SHOWER SPIGOT SO I DON’T WANT TO PUSH IT TOO FAR WITH HER
SHE IS BLOND
LIKE IF YOU BUY YOUR CHILD A NEW PAIR OF MARY JANES THE LEATHER STRAP SMELLS LIKE A LEATHER STRAP AND I CANNOT ABIDE IT
THIS WOMAN ACROSS FROM ME HAS A VOICE LIKE WHAT I IMAGINE BUTTERSCOTCH WOULD SOUND LIKE WERE IT NOT THE HARDENED DIARRHEAL TURD I AM CONVINCED IT TO BE
HER FACE IS LIKE WHAT A BABY’S FACE WOULD LOOK LIKE SHOULD IT SUDDENLY BECOME ATTACHED TO AN ADULT HEAD
MY HUSBAND DRANK FOUR TEQUILA SUNRISES AT THE HOLIDAY PARTY AND INFORMED ME SHE WAS ATTRACTIVE
LATER HE VOMITED DOWN HIS TIE
I THREW THAT TIE AWAY BECAUSE THAT WAS THE MONTH MY WASHER AND DRYER BECAME INHABITED BY GHOSTS OF BLACK MEN ASKING TO FONDLE MY GOURDS
IT IS NOT POSSIBLE TO BABY-FY YOUR FACE, I HAVE LOOKED IT UP
SOMETIMES I THINK ABOUT TAPING A PHOTO OF THIS WOMAN OVER MY FACE DURING ALONE TIME WITH MY HUSBAND, YOU HAVE TO BE CREATIVE IN A MARRIAGE SOMETIMES
BUT THE ONLY PHOTO I HAVE OF HER IS FROM HER CHRISTMAS CARD, SHE IS HOLDING HER CHILD AND WEARING ANTLERS AND I AM AFRAID THAT IS TOO MUCH STIMULANT FOR MY HUSBAND
THIS WOMAN EATS LIVE CUCUMBER, I HAVE SEEN IT WITH MY OWN EYES
ON OCCASION I HAVE CONVINCED THIS WOMAN TO VENTURE OUT AND EAT LUNCH WITH ME
I LIKE THE OLIVE GARDEN BUT THIS WOMAN PREFERS OUTBACK
IF WE DRIVE SEPARATE SOMETIMES I DROP BY THE OLIVE GARDEN ANYWAY
IT DISGUSTS ME TO SEE A GROWN WOMAN EAT A SALAD BUT I AM DEDICATED, I FORGIVE THIS WOMAN EACH TIME THOUGH I KNOW THE FLECKS OF LETTUCE ARE SLOWLY DISINTEGRATING HER ESOPHAGUS
YOU CAN’T SAVE EVERYONE
I HAVE A BLOND WIG, IT CAME PACKAGED WITH THE MERMAID COSTUME I BOUGHT FOR MY CHILD AT THE CVS THE YEAR SHE WAS IN HIDING, THE WIG DOES NOT FIT MY HEAD AND THAT IS WHAT THE GLUE IS FOR
I WEAR THAT WIG SOMETIMES WHEN I’M ALONE AND I MAKE MYSELF A SALAD OF PRETZELS DRIZZLED WITH TABASCO
I FEEL CLOSEST TO THE BLOND WOMAN IN THESE MOMENTS
SOMETIMES I CALL THE WOMAN ON THE PHONE EVEN THOUGH SHE IS RIGHT ACROSS FROM ME
I SAY, I SEE YOU
IF YOU WAIT FOR THIS WOMAN TO VISIT THE LADIES’ YOU CAN SIT IN HER CHAIR, IT DOES NOT KNOW WHO IS SITTING IN IT DESPITE WHAT YOU MAY BELIEVE
I ONCE ATE THIS WOMAN’S PEN CAP FROM THE WARM WOMB OF COMFORT I KNOW HER CHAIR TO BE
I WAS CHEWING IT AS I HAD SEEN HER DO BUT THEN I LOST CONTROL
I WAS NOT POPULAR IN HIGH SCHOOL
I WATCHED PROM FROM THE SAFETY OF THE FRONT SEAT OF MY FATHER’S CAR, I USED BINOCULARS
AFTER, I WENT TO THE DENNY’S AND WATCHED THEM ALL FROM A BOOTH AT THE BACK
I USED BINOCULARS
I MET MY HUSBAND ON THE INTERNET, HE WAS THE ONLY OTHER PERSON AFRAID OF WIND ASIDE FROM ME THAT I COULD FIND
DURING OUR FIRST LUNCH THIS WOMAN HELD ME WHILE I CRIED, WIND HAD TOUCHED MY FACE ON THE WALK TO THE CAR AND I KNEW THAT MEANT A CARTOON DEMON HAD MOLESTED ME
FOR CHRISTMAS THIS WOMAN GAVE ME A SATCHEL OF POTPOURRI, THERE WAS NO CARD AND I WAS EMBARRASSED FOR HER
REGARDLESS I ATE IT ALL ON THE DRIVE HOME
I GAVE HER A COUPON FOR A FRIENDSHIP SNUGGLE, IT WAS EASY, I PRINTED IT OFF THE INTERNET
I ALSO E-MAILED IT TO HER
SHE HAS NOT CASHED IT IN BUT EVERY DAY IS A NEW DAY
I GUESS I LOVE THIS WOMAN
IT GNAWS AT ME
BUT SEE IT’S GOT TO WHERE THESE DAYS I CAN’T TELL WHAT’S WORTH CONFESSING ANYMORE
ACKNOWLEDGMENTS
An assault of kisses are owed to featherproof books, and Zach Dodson in particular. To Jac Jemc, for her early enthusiasm for the collection. To Mary Hamilton, who brought out the short-story writer in me. Amelia Gray, for terrifying and inspiring. Emily Bell, who is a badass. Jim Rutman, for helping champion my work. Matt Trupia and Sarah Grainer, writers and cherished friends who made me weirder. And finally, to my husband, without whom I shudder to think.