She grinned, and that made me happy.
“It’s just hard, that’s all. Autumn was able to give Finn the one thing he always wanted, the one thing I couldn’t, without even trying,” I explained. “It’s like they are living my fairy tale. They are getting my happily ever after.”
“Yeah well, there’s one major issue with their storyline.”
“And what’s that?”
“She’s not you. She’ll never be you, and they cannot steal your happily ever after. It’s yours, after all. Just because it didn’t come to you the way you thought it would doesn’t mean that it’s not on its way.”
I heard her words, but believing that I’d find a happy ending when I was trapped inside my own horror story was almost impossible to do.
We sat on that bench until the sun and whiskey had faded away.
When she offered to walk me home, I declined, knowing it was out of her way. As I walked through town, I noticed Jackson leaving The Silent Bookshop, and his eyes locked with mine. He was giving me that same frown from earlier with his hands stuffed deep into his pockets.
I gave him a smile, and he shook his head. Deep breaths. I gave him a tiny frown, and he slowly nodded. Yes, yes, that feels right.
He didn’t want my fake expression, but the true one. The one that I never allowed myself to express in public.
He took a step in my direction, and I shook my head slowly, making him stop.
I couldn’t have him near me because he made it seem like it was all right for me to be broken regardless of who was watching. If he came near me, I’d fall apart, and he’d catch me. Then I’d cry. Even though a big part of me wanted that, to feel unleashed, I knew I couldn’t have his comfort. I knew I couldn’t be sad on the streets of Chester with Jackson Emery’s arms wrapped around me.
Too many people would wonder.
Too many people would care.
He lowered his head and turned away from me. He walked off into the direction of his cabin, straight into the shadows of the night.
A chill raced over me, and I knew it was due to him.
Even though we didn’t truly know one another, his heaviness felt so familiar.
Out of everyone in town, I knew my heart most closely resembled the monster who I’d been told was nothing but darkness.
That was what I craved.
I wanted to sit in the dark and be okay with my feelings.
I wanted to bathe in the darkness and let go of the light.
I wanted to be free to feel whatever I wanted to feel without the fear of others’ judgments being placed upon me.
I wanted to be free.
If only for one night…
17
Grace
Mama set me up.
When she called me to say she wanted to apologize for everything that happened at the church service, I should’ve known something was up. She wasn’t one to apologize—she was more one to request apologies.
When I arrived at her house a few days after finding out about Autumn’s pregnancy, and I saw the bright smile on Mama’s face, I knew something was off. I should’ve just stayed at The Silent Bookshop and avoided humans at all costs.
Especially Mama because her loyalty seemed to lay elsewhere.
My eyes locked with the man standing in front of me. “Finley.”
He was dressed in that yellow polo that I hated, and he’d recently shaved.
I hated that I noticed.
“Why are you here?” I asked him.
Mama walked over to me and gave me a small smile. “I think it’s about time you talk with your husband.”
I huffed. “Are you kidding me?”
“Grace, I’ve been calling you,” Finn stated.
“Have you? I couldn’t tell because I blocked your number.”
“Listen, I—”
Slap.
I slapped him hard against the cheek, and Mama gasped.
“Gracelyn Mae! What in the world has come over you?!” she barked, horrified.
I tilted my head in her direction. “Why in the world would you invite him here?”
“You wouldn’t speak to him any other way,” she told me.
“Can you blame me? After what happened?”
She looked baffled by my words, and I turned back to Finn. “You didn’t tell her, did you? I shouldn’t be shocked, seeing how you didn’t even have the guts to tell me yourself. It’s crazy I had to hear it from Autumn.”
“Wait…she told you?” Finn’s shoulders drooped, and he looked so pathetic. “Grace, I—”
“What’s going on?” Mama asked, but I didn’t have the patience to explain it to her.
I turned her way and shook my head in disbelief. “Would it kill you to choose me, Mama?” Would that honestly be the end of the world for you to put your daughter first?” I barked her way before storming out of the house.
“Grace, wait!” Finn said, chasing after me. I tossed off the high heels and hurried into the town square, which was packed with people and live music. Finn stayed right beside me, and as he caught up, he grabbed my arm and yanked me back, making me stumble.
“We have to talk,” he told me.
“I have nothing to say to you,” I snapped.
He grumbled and shook his head. “We need to discuss everything. Grace, I know it’s probably hard to believe but, I still love you. I’m so confused and—”
“Finley, I swear if you do not take your hands off me, I will murder you,” I shouted, making a few people turn our way. My heart rate kept climbing with each second. He was making me physically ill. The way he could stand there with his hands on my body and confess his love for me made me want to vomit.
It was so ridiculous—the whole concept of it.
He was just wasting his time speaking words of love, because I no longer believed in love.
“You’re acting outrageous, Grace. Stop yelling in public,” someone said behind me. “Keep your voice down.” I looked up and saw Mama speaking my way, and her word choices stunned me.
“Mama, for the love of God, just butt out of my life!”
“Do not use the Lord’s name in vain, Gracelyn Mae,” Mama ordered me, but I rolled my eyes.
“What does it matter, Mama? He’s not even real.”
“What is getting in your head? Or should I say who?” she asked.
“What’s that supposed to mean?”
“You’ve been seen around a lot with Jackson Emery, Grace,” Finn stated. “Your mom called me because she’s been worried about you.”
I huffed. “She’s worried about me being seen around with Jackson, but she wasn’t worried about my husband being a cheater.”
“Are you sleeping with him?” Mama asked.
“Excuse me?” My jaw dropped at her question.
“She wouldn’t,” Finn said, defending me, which irritated me more than ever. “She’s too…well, she’s Grace.”
“What’s that supposed to mean?” I asked him, my chest burning.
“What I mean is you’re you. You would never do anything that would be…wrong. You’d never cheat on me.”
“Said the cheater.”
“I’m just saying, you’re not…I don’t know… You’re just you. You’re not a rebel or anything. You just don’t have it in you to do such a thing. You never act out. You were always the safe choice.”
I hated him. I hated him because it was clear he was calling me tame, boring, basic. I hated him because he was right, too.
I was loyal to others, and I always had been. I never acted out, no matter how tempted I was, because I feared how it would affect others’ lives. I worried how people would label me. I was afraid of how others would view me if I did certain things they deemed ungraceful.
I lived my whole life quietly, staying in line in order to live the life Mama taught me I was supposed to live.
I did it all right, too.
I was faithful, honest, kind, and well-behaved.
Yet at the end of the day, when all was said and done, none of it mattered. He still chose her even though I was everything I thought he’d ever wanted. He still fell into her bed even though I was the “safe choice.”
“I’m never going to speak to you again. Do you understand that, Finley James? Never,” I told him repeatedly.
“Please, Grace. Stop talking,” Mama scolded me. “Now, let’s go inside to discuss this in a private setting. You’re acting immature.”