“Ugh, what a creeper!” Leah’s sister said as she shook her shoulders in an exaggerated shiver. “So he like lurks around your apartment?”
Leah sat on the counter in Sarah’s kitchen, running her finger around the rim of her wine glass as her sister opened the oven door to check the lasagna. When they first began their Monday night dinner dates almost two years ago, Leah had declared any and all conversations pertaining to Scott off-limits. Sarah was nothing if not rabidly protective, and in the weeks following their breakup, it was just a little too much for her to handle. Instead, they would spend the evening watching How I Met Your Mother and gorging on dessert while vowing to hit the gym the following day as penance.
But as soon as Leah mentioned that Scott had stopped by earlier that day, the door restraining all of Sarah’s venom for Scott burst clean off the hinges.
“I don’t think he lurks,” Leah said. “He comes to see if I’ll answer the door, and when I don’t, he leaves me whatever bullshit peace offering he brought with him.”
“And the idiot came today?” she asked, closing the oven door. “Doesn’t he realize school started back up for you?”
Leah shrugged. “Who knows. Maybe he intentionally came when I wouldn’t be home.”
“What did he leave this time?”
“He burned another playlist.”
Sarah rolled her eyes as she took a sip of wine. “Yeah, because a good mix tape will make up for the fact that he boned another girl while your father lay dying in the hospital. Oh, oh, and he couldn’t be there with you so he could nail said whore bag. But no, burn a CD, it’s all good.”
Leah nodded. “I really appreciate you bringing me back up to speed. I had totally forgotten about everything that happened that night until you just reminded me.”
Sarah laughed as she pulled herself up onto the counter beside Leah.
“Honestly, I just don’t get it,” Leah said. “I mean, he doesn’t love me. There’s no way he could have done what he did if he loved me, so I don’t understand why he’s still trying to get me back.”
“It has nothing to do with love,” Sarah said, reaching for the bottle of wine and refilling her glass. “It’s about power. Scott is the kind of guy who needs it to feel whole. It feeds him. He lost the power when you were the one who ended that relationship. I don’t think it’s about wanting you back at all, no offense.”
“Believe me, none taken,” Leah interrupted.
Sarah smirked before she said, “He just wants the power back. And if he succeeded in getting you back, he could exert that power in one of two ways. He could try to get control over you again by manipulating you, or he could end the relationship on his terms. Either way, he’d have the upper hand. That’s all it’s about.”
Leah stared at the wine in her glass as she swirled it gently. “You know, it’s a little freaky to hear all this psychobabble come out of your mouth, especially when it makes sense. Please tell me you don’t psychoanalyze me behind my back.”
“Never!” Sarah scoffed, taking an imaginary pencil out from behind her ear and pretending to lick the tip before she scribbled furiously on the pad beside her.
Leah laughed as she smacked her sister’s leg.
“All kidding aside,” Sarah said, “you should get a restraining order or something.”
Leah shook her head. She had entertained the idea once before, but the truth was, Scott had never been violent. He wasn’t aggressive or threatening. He was a selfish, inconsiderate a*shole, sure, and he was a liar, but he would never physically hurt her.
“He hasn’t done anything to warrant that. You can’t get a restraining order just because someone can’t take a hint. I’m sure the police have much more important things to be worrying about besides my persistent jerk of an ex-boyfriend.”
“I guess,” Sarah said. “It’s just so annoying though, because I feel like if he would just leave you alone, you’d be able to move past this whole thing once and for all. I mean, how the hell are you supposed to forget about everything that happened when he keeps showing up every couple of months?”
Leah shrugged, knowing she had a point. Every time Scott decided to pull this stunt, it brought back a mess of awful memories for her, not to mention all of her insecurities.
“And it’s pissing me off that it’s happening right when you just met this Danny guy. I don’t want you to panic and bail on him because Scott’s messing with your head again.”
“Well, hold on, let’s not get ahead of ourselves here. There’s really nothing for me to bail on.”
Despite the fact that Danny had ended the call on New Year’s Day by telling her he’d talk to her later, three days had passed with no word from him. Leah realized that talk to you later was a common farewell, and not necessarily meant to be taken literally, but since it was the first time he ended any conversation with her indicating they’d be speaking again, she couldn’t help but feel hopeful.
And hopeful was dangerous, because it left her wide open for disappointment.
“But if you like him,” Sarah said, “I don’t want you to not pursue it because of Scott dredging up all your old baggage.”
Leah turned to her sister. “Did you just call me an old bag?”
“I’m being serious,” she laughed. “Just promise me that if you like this guy, you’ll go for it, no matter what that dumb ass is doing.”
Leah nodded, bringing her wine glass to her lips. “I honestly don’t know how I feel about him. But if I decide I’m interested…then…I’ll try,” she said before finishing the rest of her wine.
“You will?” Sarah asked excitedly.
She nodded. “If I decide I’m interested,” she clarified once she had swallowed.
Sarah pumped her fist in the air before she hopped off the counter and grabbed the oven mitt, and Leah took a deep breath, blinking up at the ceiling.
The problem was, she had already decided whether or not she was interested.
And the answer terrified her.
Holly and Robyn—and now Sarah—were so convinced that her lingering issues with Scott were preventing her from pursuing Danny, when in reality Scott’s reappearance had nothing to do with her hesitation; what raised a red flag for her was the ridiculously inconsistent behavior she’d seen from Danny since she’d met him almost two weeks ago. He invited her to lunch and seemed to enjoy being with her, only to dismiss her at the end of it. He called her upset and curt over the fact that she’d done something kind for his grandmother, only to be playful and flirty with her on New Year’s Day. Then he told her he’d talk to her soon, but he never called.
She couldn’t allow herself to be that careless, to get involved—for the first time in two years—with someone who was so unpredictable. She’d be uneasy enough about starting a relationship again without the added uncertainty of never knowing what to expect from him. Someone a bit more consistent, someone who could offer her some semblance of stability, that’s what she should be looking for. A nice, smooth transition back into the world of dating.
Yet she couldn’t seem to get him out of her head.
Yes, he was mercurial. Yes, he was difficult to understand. The trouble was, she found herself wanting to understand him. Or at least, to try.
Leah and Sarah ended up eating their lasagna on the couch while flipping through the channels, and just before How I Met Your Mother came on, Sarah brought their dirty dishes into the kitchen and came out with a pint of Ben and Jerry’s Americone Dream and two spoons, waving them in invitation. They spent the next half hour with the pint wedged in the cushions between them, battling with their spoons for the chocolate-covered waffle-cone chunks.
It was just after ten by the time she left her sister’s apartment, and after having slept in for most of Christmas vacation, she was definitely feeling the effects of waking up at five thirty again. Leah yawned heavily as she pulled up to the stoplight at the intersection, flipping aimlessly through the radio stations.
“You suck,” she told the console before she turned the radio off.
And then her eye landed on her phone in the cup holder.
She had promised her sister she’d try.
Leah dropped her head back on the seat, staring at the roof of the car.
And they had ended their last conversation on good terms.
The car behind her beeped as the light turned green, and she sat up and hit the gas.
Come on, Leah. Put on your big girl panties and do it.
Leah glanced back down at her phone. “Oh, what the hell,” she murmured to herself as she grabbed it, quickly scrolling through her contacts until she found him.
He answered on the second ring, his voice gravelly. “Leah. Hey.”
The rough sound of it caused a fluttering low in her stomach. “Hey. Did I wake you?”
“No, not at all,” he answered. “I haven’t been to sleep in over twenty-four hours, so it’s all good.”
“Seriously? Why?”
Danny sighed before he said, “A buddy of mine races cars, and he’s entered in this big competition tomorrow. A shitload of money up for grabs. Anyway, he called me last night because he took it out for a spin to test some shit he just put in it, and he hit some black ice and crashed it.”
“Oh my God, is he okay?”
“Yeah, he’s fine. Just pissed off,” he said with a laugh. “F*cked the car up pretty good, and he needed it to be in shape for this thing tomorrow. So me and a few of my guys drove out to him last night. Spent the whole night and all of today working on it.”
“Did you get it fixed?”
“Pshh. Did I get it fixed. Of course I got it fixed.”
Leah smiled. “Well, I apologize for questioning your automotive prowess. I don’t know what I was thinking.”
“Me either, but I’m not sure I forgive you,” he said through a yawn. “So what’s up? Is everything okay?”
“Yeah,” she said. “I just wanted to say hi. See how you were.”
“Right now, exhausted,” he said with a weak chuckle.
“Why aren’t you in bed?”
“Trying to get there. I’m driving back from Hempstead and I’m stuck on the Cross Island.”
“Traffic?”
“No, glue,” he said with a laugh. “Yes, traffic.”
“Wise ass,” she said, fighting a smile.
“What are you doing up? Don’t you have school tomorrow?”
“Yeah,” she said, glancing in her rearview before switching lanes. “I just had dinner at my sister’s. I’m almost home.”
“Oh man. What did you have?”
“Lasagna, why?”
He groaned, and the fluttering in her stomach returned with a vengeance. “God, that sounds amazing. I haven’t eaten anything but chips and frozen pizza rolls all day. Tell me what was in it, nice and slow.”
“Oh my God!” she laughed. “Knock it off, you sicko!”
Danny laughed into the phone, and the fluttering traveled up through her chest.
Screwed. You are so totally screwed. Beyond screwed.
“So how was your first day back?” he asked.
“Typical. You’d think they’d be reenergized, coming off a week and a half’s vacation, but it was like a scene out of The Walking Dead.”
“Do you watch The Walking Dead?”
“No.”
“I figured.”
“Why do you say that?”
“Because in The Walking Dead, they don’t sit there zoning out. They tear your f*cking limbs off and eat them. Can I assume that’s not what happened in your classroom today?”
Leah pulled into her parking space and cut the engine. “You know, you’re a little annoying when you’re stuck in traffic on no sleep.”
Danny burst out laughing as Leah got out of the car and ran to her front door, her head ducked against the wind. “Jesus, it’s freezing out here,” she said through gritted teeth.
“You’re home already?”
“Yeah, just walked through the door.”
“Oh. Alright, well, I’ll let you get to bed then—”
“No, that’s okay,” she said a little too quickly. She closed her eyes and took a breath before she continued. “I’m not that tired. Plus, I don’t want you falling asleep at the wheel.”
While she was fairly confident that he could manage to get himself home in one piece without her, she wasn’t so sure of when she would get this version of Danny again, if any version.
She wasn’t ready to let him go yet.
“Well, I guess it’s only fair,” he said. “I might as well cash in on what you owe me.”
“Oh?” Leah asked, kicking off her shoes and walking back toward her bedroom. “I was unaware I owed you anything.”
“The last time you were tired and driving, I kept you awake. So it’s only right that you return the favor.”
“Christmas night?” Leah asked through a laugh. “You kept me awake for like two minutes. Barely that!”
He laughed before he said, “So tell me more about your day. After you fended off the zombie apocalypse, I mean.”
“Oh my God, you’re getting douchier by the second. Why did I agree to stay on the phone with you again?”
“Don’t know, but now you’re stuck.”
Leah smiled as he added, “Seriously, though. Tell me about your day.”
The fact that he would even ask that question lit a pleasant warmth in her chest. “I kind of already did,” she said, removing the phone from her ear just enough to pull her shirt over her head. “I taught, and then I went to my sister’s for dinner. Nothing exciting.”
“What book are you teaching right now?”
Leah lifted her brow as she pulled her pajama top over her head. “Really? You of all people want to talk about English while you’re trying not to fall asleep?”
“Try me.”
“We’re doing To Kill A Mockingbird.”
“Ah, good old Boo Radley and Atticus Finch.”
“You know it?” she asked, unable to keep the surprise out of her voice.
“I said it wasn’t my favorite subject, not that I was illiterate. Me can read.”
“Shut up,” she laughed.
“It’s true. And not just magazines. Actual, real books. With covers. Hard ones.”
“Okay,” she said through her laughter. “I’m getting off the phone now. You’re on your own. Go call one of your friends and have him sit through this craziness.”
“I would,” Danny said, “but I don’t think they’d be much help. When I left them a little while ago, they were about to start a game of A*shole.”
“Oh my God,” Leah said nostalgically. “I haven’t played that game in years!”
“I was never a big fan of it. My game of choice was always Flip Cups.”
“Ugh,” Leah said, climbing into bed. “Chug a beer as fast as you can and then try to turn your cup upside down on a table slick with backwash and vomit while you stifle your own? No thanks.”
“Well, it’s really a man’s game anyway, so…”
“If you mean because it’s moronic and requires no thought, then I agree.”
Danny burst out laughing as he said, “Jesus Christ! Below the belt, point deducted!”
Leah smiled. “We used to play Never Have I Ever.”
“Eh,” Danny said. “Truth or Dare was better.”
“That’s not a drinking game.”
“Sure it is,” he said. “At least, we played it as one. If you don’t want to do the dare, you have to drink.”
“Oh, so kind of like Grilled?”
“What the hell is Grilled?” he asked.
“It’s like what you described, only more truth than dare. You ask someone a question, and they answer. If they don’t want to for whatever reason, they have to drink. People would intentionally ask the most personal and embarrassing questions to try and get you to drink, because by the end of the game, everyone is so drunk, they’ll basically answer any question thrown at them. Definitely a quick and dirty way to get to know someone.”
There was a beat of silence before he said, “So let’s play.”
“What, now?” she said with a laugh, lying back on her pillow. “We can’t. It wouldn’t work.”
“Why not?”
“Because if we aren’t drinking, there’s no penalty for not answering. What would be the motivation to answer?”
“Hmm,” he said. “Well, what if we only get one pass? If you can only pass once, you won’t be so quick to use it.”
“One pass?” Leah said uncertainly.
“What’s wrong? You got a lot of skeletons?” he said with that maddening cool amusement that instantly had Leah picturing his dimples.
“Two,” she said. “Two passes.”
He chuckled. “Fine, two passes. You’re up first.”
“What? Why?”
“This is your game. I’m just a rookie,” he said, and Leah sighed.
“Okay…how old are you?”
“Twenty-eight. My turn?”
“Yup,” she said, shifting onto her side to turn off her lamp.
“Okay. How old are you?”
“How original,” she said, switching the phone to the other ear as she lay back down. “I’m twenty-seven. What’s the worst injury you’ve ever had?”
“Easy,” he said. “Broke my leg when I was seven. The bone came through the skin.”
“Ohmygod,” Leah choked out. “Stop! Ugh!”
“You asked!”
“Yeah, but I had no idea it would be that disgusting! Blech! Can you just tell me how the hell you did that? I don’t want to know anything else about it.”
“Me and my friend were playing superheroes. We thought we could jump off his deck.”
“Did your friend get hurt?”
“I went first.”
She nodded. “Your friend’s a smart boy.”
Danny laughed before he said, “Okay, my turn. If you could spend a day with anyone in the world, who would it be?”
Leah’s smile fell a little before she cleared her throat. “My mom. My turn,” she added quickly. “What’s a talent you have that not a lot of people know about?”
He chuckled suggestively, a low rumbling sound, and Leah felt a surge of heat run through her veins. She kicked her covers off as he said, “Hmm, I’m gonna keep it PG for now and go with that I can sing.”
“You can sing?” she asked, her eyes widening.
“Yeah.”
“Like, ‘sing in the shower’ sing, or you can actually sing?”
“I can actually sing.”
Leah closed her eyes. “Sing now.”
“F*ck that,” he said with a laugh.
“Please?”
“Not a chance.”
“Well, then how do I know you’re not bullshitting me?”
“I guess you’re just gonna have to trust me,” he said, and Leah exhaled heavily.
God, she really, really wanted to hear him sing.
But maybe it was for the best that he wouldn’t. Because if his speaking voice was any indication of what his singing voice would be like, it might very well be the thing that pushed her over the edge.
“My turn,” he said, pulling her from her thoughts. “What’s your biggest fear?”
“My biggest fear?” she asked, chewing on her lip.
“No, scratch that,” he said. “What’s your most embarrassing fear?”
Leah took a strand of her hair in between her fingers and began twirling it. “Okay, um…well, I personally don’t think this is anything to be embarrassed about, but I don’t like the dark.”
“You’re scared of the dark?” he asked, and she could tell he was smiling.
“I’m not scared of the dark. I just don’t like it. I don’t like not knowing what’s around me. It’s the same reason I don’t really like swimming in the ocean. You have no idea what’s lurking a foot below you. Totally freaks me out.”
“Oh. Well, that makes sense. I can understand that.”
“Really?”
“Sure,” he said, and after a beat, he spoke again through barely contained laughter. “So, do you sleep with a night-light then?”
Leah’s eyes immediately flew to the small plug-in night-light in the outlet on the far wall. “Such an a*shole,” she mumbled, and he burst out laughing.
Okay then. Game on.
“Okay, my turn,” she said over his guffawing. “How many women have you slept with?”
His laughter morphed into a surprised coughing fit, and Leah smirked.
“Well, shit,” he said softly after he’d caught his breath.
“So?” Leah prodded. “How many?”
“Pass.”
“Oh come on!”
“Pass.”
“You know, you’re saying more by using your pass than if you actually answered the question.”
“I’m saying nothing,” he laughed. “You don’t know why I’m passing. How do you know I’m not a virgin? Maybe I don’t want to share that with you because I’m embarrassed.”
“Oh, you are so full of shit,” she said, and she heard him chuckle.
“That question is a death trap. If the number is too high, I’m sleazy. If it’s too low, then there’s something wrong with me. And since not everyone’s standards for what’s too high and too low are the same, and I have no idea what yours are, I’m going with pass.”
“Fine,” she pouted. “Your turn.”
“Well, since you brought out the big guns, how old were you when you lost your virginity?”
“Sixteen,” she answered. “There, see? I told you that, even though it might cause you to draw certain conclusions about me. And I mean, we already established that you’re a judger.”
“Oh my God with your judger bullshit.” He laughed, and Leah smiled just as she heard him lay on the horn and mumble, “Stupid motherf*cker.”
“Everything alright over there?”
“We’re about to pass the accident, and this f*cking moron rode the shoulder all the way up here, and now he’s trying to squeeze in. He almost clipped me. F*cking a*shole.”
Leah sighed. “I’m going to get you a swear jar.”
“A swear jar?”
“Yep. Every time you curse, you have to put money in it.”
“Okay,” he laughed. “And how would that stop me from cursing again?”
“Because once it’s full, you have to take all that money and buy me something pretty.”
Danny chuckled softly before he said, “Well, there’s a flaw in that plan, because buying you something pretty wouldn’t exactly be a punishment for me.”
Butterflies burst through her stomach as a pleasant tingling prickled its way over her skin.
“Your turn,” he said casually.
“Oh…okay,” she said, trying to pull her thoughts back together. “Um…what would you say your best quality is?”
“I’m loyal,” he answered without missing a beat, and Leah closed her eyes.
He couldn’t have answered more perfectly if he tried.
And she was pretty sure he was telling the truth. He knew nothing of her past with Scott, nothing about her hang-ups and fears regarding relationships, so it wasn’t as though he was just trying to appeal to that. Plus, she’d seen the proof of it herself, the way he took care of Catherine, who wasn’t even his family. Not to mention the fact that he had just spent over twenty-four hours helping out a friend in need.
“My turn,” he said, and she could tell by his tone of voice that it wasn’t going to bode well for her. “Where’s the weirdest place you’ve had sex?”
“Oh God.” She laughed nervously. “Pass, pass, pass.”
“Really?” He clucked his tongue. “Shame on you.”
“Shame on me?”
“Don’t you realize you’re saying more by using your pass than if you actually told me the place?”
She sighed. “You’re so annoying.”
“All kidding aside,” he said, “my imagination is probably much worse than your reality, so leaving that question up to me to piece together probably isn’t the wisest move.”
“I’ll take my chances.”
Danny whistled long and low. “Wow. That bad, huh?”
“Moving on,” Leah said with a laugh, nibbling on her thumbnail before she blurted out her next question. “When was the last time you had sex?”
“Damn,” he said after a moment. “You give it as good as you get it, huh?”
“You started it,” she said, trying to sound playful, but the truth was, it had taken every ounce of courage she had to ask that question. She knew it would tell her a lot, and she wasn’t necessarily sure she wanted to know what it would reveal.
“Shit,” she heard him say under his breath before he inhaled deeply. “Pass.”
Leah felt her stomach drop a little, but she forced a smile, trying to keep it light.
“Wow, really? Are you sure you want to do that? You’re out after this.”
“Yes, I’m fully aware,” he said. “Still pass.”
“Okay then, have it your way,” she said airily, but the entire time, her mind was racing, wondering what his reason could be for not wanting to answer. Maybe it had been a while for him and he felt embarrassed telling her that. Of course, he had no way of knowing that she hadn’t had sex in nearly two years, and that his dry spell was probably a drop in the bucket by comparison.
That is, if this were even about a dry spell.
There was also the distinct possibility that he was currently sleeping with someone, or a few someones, and didn’t want her to know that. And unfortunately, of the two options, taking into consideration his personality and his looks, the latter was the more likely scenario.
“Okay, my turn,” he said. “Do you have any piercings or tattoos?”
“I have a tattoo,” Leah said, still trying to shake off her disappointment.
“Seriously? I never would have thought that. Where?”
“On the back of my neck.”
“What is it?” he asked.
“A spiral triskele. Long story,” she said, hoping he wouldn’t push it further than that.
“Wow. I gotta say though, I love that.”
“What, the triskele?”
“No, I have no idea what that is,” he said with a laugh. “I mean when a girl has a tattoo in a secret place.”
“Oh,” she said. “Well, it’s not really a secret place.”
“I think it is. Unless you wear your hair up all the time, only people close to you would ever get to see it. I feel like the back of a woman’s neck is an extremely intimate place.”
Seriously, goddamn him.
Why, why, why did he have to refuse to answer her last question and then follow it up with that? Almost like he knew how to suck her right back in. Leah started to consider the possibility that he was reading from some type of handbook.
And the title of it might as well have been How to Reduce Leah to a Besotted, Quivering Pile of Easy.
“Your turn,” he prompted when several seconds had passed and she hadn’t said anything.
Leah inhaled deeply and closed her eyes. No more silly questions. She needed to start figuring him out.
“What’s the one thing you’ve done in your life that you regret the most?” she asked.
“Pass.”
Her eyes flipped open as the corner of her mouth lifted in a smile. “You can’t pass. You don’t have any more.”
“Yeah, I know,” he said curtly, and Leah’s stomach dropped for the second time.
She recognized this tone.
“Look, I gotta go,” he said. “I just pulled onto my street and I have to find a spot.”
“Oh, okay.”
“Thanks for keeping me awake, though. I appreciate it. Good night, Leah.”
He hung up before she could even respond.
Leah took the phone away from her ear and stared at it for a second before she threw her head back and groaned loudly.
Being with him, talking to him, was the emotional equivalent of bungee jumping. There was the freedom, the adrenaline, the exhilaration of the fall, only to have it come to an abrupt halt, roughly yanking her back in the direction from which she came.
Leah reached up and rubbed her eyes roughly with the heels of her hands.
He could be really sweet sometimes, but he was so goddamn capricious. And he was funny, but his moods were completely unreliable. He did have a genuine kindness about him, but he could also be closed off and abrupt, and there was no guarantee as to which version of him she’d be getting.
But far more frustrating to her than any of those things was the fact that even though he’d thrown her for a loop yet again, she was completely captivated by him.