SEVENTEEN
Jared
I was in deep. So deep.
She held on to me from behind, that gorgeous body wrapped around me as if it were supposed to be there. As if she were molded for me.
Wind whipped through my hair, hot, hard, the sun blazing down from overhead.
Aly’s hands tightened their hold on my stomach, and I increased my grip on the throttle, ticking it back a little more as I eased us onto the freeway. The engine warbled deep as I set a cautious pace.
I couldn’t comprehend it was already the beginning of August, these treasured days speeding past faster than I wanted them to. We’d been like this for three weeks now, sneaking in every second we could get with each other. Workdays were brutal because all I wanted was to be back in the confines of her room, to be back in those arms that were all comfort and seduction and torment. My perfect Siren because even though I knew destruction would come, I still stole into her room night after night, where I slept curled up to her after I’d sought sanctuary in her touch. Sometimes we didn’t get any further than a few hungry kisses and just lay with our legs intertwined, silent and nose-to-nose, resting together.
But it didn’t matter what night it was. I wanted her. Every f*cking night I wanted to take her, to finish off what our bodies begged for. Just touching her was never enough.
I wanted it all.
My tormenter snuggled closer as I took the off-ramp and began to wind us up to South Mountain.
The smile that lifted one side of my mouth was unstoppable. I covered her clenched hands with one of mine. “You doing okay back there?” I yelled as I slowed and leaned into a turn.
“Perfect,” Aly shouted over the rushing wind.
I took us all the way to the top and pulled into one of the parking lots. Aly climbed off the back, careful to avoid the exhaust pipe. Before I let her get on my bike the first time, I’d drilled it into her head a million times over that it was hotter than all hell and would give her the burn of her life if she even brushed against it.
She unclasped the white helmet from her chin that she looked all kinds of adorable in, grinning at me as she shook her hair free.
Yeah, I’d f*cking bought that for her, too.
God, I was in deep.
I pulled her in for a quick kiss and hooked my thumb under her chin. She beamed up at me. That thing that almost felt like joy rose up in me again.
That feeling had to be the most terrifying part of all.
“Come on, let’s go find a trail.” I took her hand and cautiously began to lead her down a narrow path. The rocky trail wound through thick desert brush, sparse trees, and overgrown cacti. The sky simmered with intense blue, the temperature so high heat waves sagged on the packed ground. We hiked down to a small overhang that looked out over the expanse of city that seemed to go on forever.
I tugged her from behind me and tucked her back to my chest. Slipping my hands around her waist, I secured my chin on her shoulder and pressed my cheek into hers. Held her close as I could get her.
For what seemed like forever, we said nothing, just stared at the beauty laid out in front of us.
“It’s gorgeous up here,” she finally whispered as she looked out over the horizon.
I nuzzled her neck, because that’s exactly what she was.
“Thank you for bringing me up here.” She ran her fingers over my knuckles, my hands splayed out over her stomach, locking her to me.
Aly sighed and sank deeper into my hold.
I blinked, trying to make sense of the thoughts that jumbled my mind, the words that fought for release. They sat on my tongue for the longest time, before they finally broke free. “My dad used to always bring me up here.” My voice cracked, but I couldn’t stop myself from speaking. “One day a month he’d plan some father-and-son day, pack us a lunch, and take me out somewhere cool… hunting or hiking or whatever I wanted to do. This was one of my favorite places.”
Why the f*ck was I telling her this? And why did I feel compelled to bring her here? To share it? But I did.
“I remember that,” she said quietly. She released a small, wistful laugh. “I used to hate those days. Christopher and I would run up and pound on your door to ask if you could come out and play, and your mom would tell us you were with your dad.” She expelled a delicate snort. “It’s funny how we see things so differently when we’re kids.” She paused, before she admitted quietly, “It makes me really happy to know you cherished those days with him, Jared.”
My chest tightened as the wounds flared. I squeezed her closer and tried to stuff them back inside with all the other shit I’d let slip away. With the memories of what I’d ruined.
“Do you ever think of finding him? Finding your sister? Visiting them?” she asked.
With her words, the memories only thrashed and the anger surged.
“I ruined my dad’s life, Aly. He doesn’t want to see me.” Echoes from that last night flooded my mind. The circumstances had been blurred in the haze of drugs and alcohol and pain, warping and skewing his face, but there was no mistaking the disgust that had been written there. “He didn’t come to my sentencing… didn’t come to speak for me.” Not that I’d expected him to. “He stood aside and let them send me away, and there’s no going back.”
She paused, and her hands clamped down on mine. “What if you’re wrong, Jared?”
I swallowed the lump wedged deep in my throat. “I’m not.” I knew I should push her away because this girl who had managed to sink her fingers into my spirit was going to end up as just another one of them – a f*cking perfect memory to torture me through the rest of my worthless life.
Instead I clung to her, crushed her to me because I couldn’t stop myself from taking from her until the moment she was taken from me.
The next night I was antsy. I hadn’t seen Aly since early in the morning when I’d climbed from her bed to get ready for work. By the time I got back to the apartment, she’d already left for her lunch and dinner shift at the café.
Christopher lounged on the couch next to me watching TV, wearing nothing but an old ratty pair of jeans and with hair to rival any ’eighties rock band, though I doubted very much he’d put any effort into making it look that way. I sat there next to him, pretending to be doing something other than sitting there waiting for his sister to get home.
I knew I needed to start looking for my own apartment. I was beginning to feel like a loser sleeping on their couch, even though I’d been giving Christopher a third of the rent. But I’d only be lying if I chalked it up to the money. Christopher wouldn’t care one way or the other. He’d welcomed me, given freely when all I’d done was turn around and take advantage of him and his generosity, deceiving my oldest friend when I’d promised him there was nothing going on between Aly and me. But how could I admit it to him? He’d already made it clear he’d never be okay with it. I mean, f*ck, I wasn’t okay with it. It wasn’t like I could blame the guy for wanting to protect his baby sister.
Guilt over it had been impossible to shake, too. Every morning I’d study him, wondering when he would finally see through all my bullshit. Hiding away with Aly covered my consciousness like a shroud of shame. And like the a*shole I was, I still stayed.
“Timothy is having another party tonight. I’m going to head over there in a little while. You wanna come?” Christopher asked, confirming my suspicion that he actually liked having me around.
I glanced over the bar at the clock on the microwave. It was just after nine. Aly would be home soon.
“Nah, man, I have to be up at six for work in the morning. I might walk over to The Vine for a couple beers to unwind, but I can’t come stumbling in at three in the morning the way you always do.” I smirked at him while guilt wound me tight. It was the same excuse I’d used the first morning he asked me where I’d been when he got home and I wasn’t on the couch. Of course, my bike had been sitting like a witness of my guilt in the parking lot downstairs. I’d claimed I couldn’t sleep so I walked to The Vine to grab a beer when I’d really been locked in Aly’s room.
Aly would be worth any lie if I knew I wasn’t slowly destroying her, if there was even a chance that what was happening behind her door wasn’t going to end in ruin.
“God, do you always have to be the responsible one all the time? You kill my buzz just looking at you.” Christopher smiled, all easygoing and cool.
“Shut up.” Shame spiked, but I just laughed.
A key rattled in the front door lock.
That shame evaporated and a thrill of exhilaration took its place. I’d been missing her like crazy today. I didn’t know what it was, but I couldn’t wait to see her.
I jerked my head around to see her face just as she pushed open the door. She rested her foot against the bottom to prop it open as she jostled her key free from the lock, smiling up at me. Her hair was up in a high ponytail, and the long pieces that had fallen free framed her face, her cheeks tinted with red from a day of work. Welcome shone in her eyes.
Warmth spread just under my skin, and my heart pounded a little harder than I wanted it to. God, no wonder Christopher had noticed the way I’d been looking at her because there was no stopping the smile that pushed to my face.
“Hey, guys,” she said a little breathlessly as she stepped inside. She nudged the door to fall shut behind her, then yelped when it was smacked back by a huge hand holding it open at the top.
Aly whirled around just as I scrambled to my feet. Aggression shot through me, fast and hard. I figured the quickest way to get to her was by jumping over the back of the couch because someone was about to get their ass kicked.
“Damn it, Gabe, you scared the shit out of me,” she shouted.
Aly’s words stopped me in my tracks.
Her hand was pressed to her chest as she heaved her surprise from her lungs, while Dickhead stood in the doorway grinning as if scaring the hell out of Aly had been the highlight of his f*cking day.
I wanted to smash him in the face.
“Sorry.” He laughed it off. “I didn’t mean to startle you like that.”
“It’s okay.” Aly shook herself as if shucking the jolt of fright from her body. “I just didn’t hear you come up behind me.”
He pressed his lips together, his hands in his pockets as he rocked back on his feet. “So, listen, I thought maybe we talk a little bit?” Warily, he glanced into the room at me and Christopher. Christopher was in about the same position I was, one knee on the couch and both hands on the backrest as if he’d been ready to rocket himself over it, too, before he realized it was this ass standing at the door.
Gabe shifted in clear discomfort.
That’s right, f*cker, you are not welcome here.
Aly seemed to hesitate, glancing at us over her shoulder, before she spoke. “Yeah, sure, of course,” she rambled, lifting her hand to point down the hall. “We can go in my room.”
Okay, that sounded like a really f*cking bad idea.
I looked over at Christopher for backup, but he’d just turned around and plopped his lazy ass back on the couch with a resigned sigh.
Aly headed toward her room. Dickhead kept two steps behind her wearing that same smug smile on his pompous face that I would be all too happy to erase for him.
Neither of them said anything before Aly snapped her door shut behind them.
Shit. I stood in front of the couch, shifting my feet, still on edge. How the f*ck was I supposed to just sit here and not do anything while he had Aly behind closed doors?
“I don’t know what she sees in that guy. Dude is a complete douche bag,” Christopher said as he mindlessly flipped through stations on the TV.
“Maybe we should go in there and check on her or something?”
“They’ve been in there for five seconds, Jared. I hardly think that warrants checking on.”
“I don’t like it. That guy’s an a*shole.”
Incredulous, Christopher chuckled. “You think I like it? You know I can’t stand the thought of her with some guy, but she’s been seeing him for, like, six months or something… at least he’s been hanging around that long. And it’s not like she’s fifteen. I can’t tell her she’s not allowed to have guys over.”
So it was fine for Dickhead to be in her room but not me?
I wanted to laugh at myself. As if I didn’t know the answer to that question? I’d been in jail, an addict, and Gabe was the f*cking pretty boy college student.
But I hated it, knowing he was in there with her, hated that I didn’t know what was being said or what was being done.
Forcing myself to sit, I focused my eyes on the TV and my ear on her room, hoping that I could at least keep myself planted on the couch and not bolt for her door.
I mean, I trusted Aly with everything, even when I had nothing to give. I’d let her touch me, allowed her fingertips to memorize my sins, let her ask and dig and suggest f*cking impossible things like reconciling with my dad.
We’d never talked about what this meant, these nights that were only temporary. But I’d always imagined they counted. That in them we were something. I couldn’t begin to imagine being with another girl while I was with Aly. Not a f*cking chance. I only wanted her. I guess I’d just assumed the same for her, and she’d have cut this a*shole off the second she’d come to me, the moment she had stripped me bare when she’d offered herself to me.
Anxiety gripped me by the throat.
No sound could be heard from her room, something about this apartment that I normally viewed as an asset, but right then detested. Gabe with her in there was enough to drive me mad, enough to chase every rational thought from my already f*cked-up mind.
All this time she’d remained innocent. Pure. I couldn’t stomach the thought of her with someone else. Of someone taking her, touching her and loving her and giving her everything I couldn’t, even though I knew that was exactly what she deserved. Exactly what she should have.
It only got worse as time passed. The unspent aggression I’d been slammed with earlier flared and surged, and I was f*cking bouncing in agitation, trying to sit still on the couch when all I wanted to do was bust down her door and toss his ass out of the apartment.
Christopher dropped the remote to the cushion. “I’m going to get out of here. You sure you don’t want to come?”
“No, I’m good.”
At this point, he couldn’t drag me out of here.
Christopher inclined his head in the direction of Aly’s room. “Glad you’re here, anyway. You can keep an eye out for her.”
“Yeah, of course.”
Christopher went to his room to change, and waved over his head as he left.
I bounced a little more. Time had slowed to the most excruciating pace. I kept looking at her door, willing Gabe to emerge.
Thirty minutes later, he did. Her door slowly opened and Dickhead appeared. The good-guy expression I was sure he reserved only for Aly transformed the second he caught my eye. He lifted his chin in a silent insult, tossed me a grin that smacked of arrogance and self-satisfaction as he pulled her door shut.
The intense need to completely take him out engulfed me. I wanted to make him pay for showing up here. For thinking for a second he belonged with her.
For being stupid enough to f*ck with me.
I just sat there, leering at the little twit who was obviously so ignorant he believed I’d continue to sit here if he kept looking at me that way.
I was gritting my teeth, itching to loose my aggression on him, when he turned his back and headed out the door. That was all it took before I was at hers.
I didn’t knock, just turned the knob and let myself into the muted light of her room. Tonight, the blinds were shut. Thin lines of moonlight bled through the slats, and a small lamp sent a golden glow crawling up the wall behind her dressing table. It cast the rest of her room in shadows.
With her back to me, Aly stood as a silhouette in front of her bed. Her work clothes had been discarded at her feet, and she’d pulled on those same pink sleep shorts she always wore, giving cover to that glorious ass. She was in the middle of pulling a tank over her head. Waves of chunky hair fell down her back, all mussed and sexy. My fingers twitched, because damn it, I really wanted to touch, but I stayed rooted because I figured I was in no frame of mind to give in to it.
Over her shoulder, she peeked at me as she adjusted the hem of her shirt. Discomfort lined her face, the green of her eyes subdued. “I was just coming to find you,” she whispered.
Swallowing hard, I stared at her from across the room, not sure what to do with the hostility still boiling in my veins. I felt on edge. Unhinged. But this felt completely different than the sickness that would forever darken my soul. It felt a little too much like the night I’d lost it at the bar at the mention of her name.
Motherf*cking trigger.
I reached back to lock her door before I turned to look at her, rushing an agitated hand through my hair, trying to quell the f*cking insanity she spurred in me. “What are you trying to do to me?” My tongue felt thick as I struggled through the admission. “I don’t… f*ck, I don’t even recognize myself around you, Aly. I thought I was going to lose my mind out there, thinking about you in here with him.”
Aly slowly turned around and took one step forward. With her head angled low and tipped to the side, she squinted, like maybe I’d just pissed her off.
That was okay because I was a little bit pissed off, too.
Lines deepened between her eyes, disbelief laced in the words that spilled from her mouth. “Do you think for one second I’d choose him over you, Jared? He came here to tell me he missed me. That he wanted to be with me and he’d do anything to fix whatever had gone wrong between us. But the entire time, the only thing I could think about was you in the other room. How the only thing in this world I want is you. Don’t you understand that?”
All that f*cking aggression snapped, like a band that had been stretched too tight, colliding with the need she had so tightly spun up in me. I crossed the room in two long strides. One second later, I had her in my arms, lifting her feet off the floor as my mouth seized hers. I was kissing her, my tongue demanding as I dragged her to her bed.
Her covers were piled in a heaped mess from where we’d slept curled in them last night, where we’d kissed and tempted and left ourselves panting and still in need. Our scent still lingered in them, thick and strong. Unwilling to break our frenzied kiss, I shoved the covers out of the way with one arm, the other supporting her back as I laid her on the bed.
Aly arched up as if she ached.
I grasped her perfect face between firm hands, my hold just as commanding as my mouth. Consumed, I pressed the length of my body into hers, blanketing her as my forearms fell to the bed to support my weight.
I wanted to possess her. Take her.
F*ck.
I wanted it all.
Aly moaned as her fingers threaded in my hair. She murmured assurances at my mouth in between our desperate bid to bring each other closer, our mouths just as frantic as the beating of her heart. “It’s you, Jared… you… only you.”
Growling, I pulled back, my fingers spreading out over the back of her head as my thumbs rushed along her delicate jaw. We were nose-to-nose, and I was unable to discern the sharp gasps of air she drew into her lungs from mine. The words scraped from my throat. “Did you tell him that you’re mine?” My hands tightened, underscoring the madness she created in me. “Did you tell him that you belong to me?”
Those green eyes darkened, hinted at her fears, spoke of her desires. “Do I?” came as a plea from between her full lips.
My heart skidded, and the frenzy that had racked my body stilled.
Obviously, it was me who belonged to her.
I ran my thumb along her jaw, smiled softly at the girl. Her eyes searched, begged, everything about her perfect and kind.
My chest squeezed.
F*ck. I was in so deep.
“Aleena,” I whispered, before I brushed my lips across hers.
A statement.
She was the only one who’d touched me in years, the only one who’d made me feel.
Tipping her chin up, she met my eye, her fingers gentle as they fluttered across my face. “You,” she quietly murmured.
I smoothed the back of my hand down the flush on her cheek. Her mouth dropped open as she leaned into my touch. Joy teased along the fringes of my consciousness, quivered, and rose. This – this was our deception, where I wanted to live until the day I died. Where nothing was real but the secrets we whispered in the night.
I shifted to my hands and knees, bending my elbows as I dropped my shoulders down to kiss her softly, slowly. Because I never wanted it to end. Our tongues played.
And I reveled in this fantasy.
Aly cupped my face, lightly scratching her nails through the stubble coating my jaw, her smile warm. Tingles spread and coiled, flaring the unending need for her that seemed to never let go.
Gentle hands roamed over my shoulders, down my back, unhurried, just as unhurried as our kiss. I sucked in a ragged breath when she ran both of her index fingers just under the waistband of my jeans, dipping them into the two dimples peeking out just above my hips.
Flames scorched my already heated skin.
God, the girl set me on fire. Innocent and sweet, and still the sexiest thing I’d ever seen.
“Aly, what are you doing?” I warned.
She just nipped at my chin and flirted with the hem of my shirt, before she flattened both palms on the small of my back and slipped them up my skin, taking the shirt with her as she went.
I lowered my weight to my elbows and ducked my head to twist out of the shirt as Aly dragged it over my head. She giggled lightly when she did. There was something so pure about her smile. It set me reeling, and I kissed her again, couldn’t stop. I pressed my bare chest against the thin cloth covering her breasts.
My palms wandered down her sides. I pulled at the bottom of her shirt before I edged back enough to slip it up between us. We were a tangle of arms when I tugged it loose, our faces a breath apart.
In the dim light, her hair was the deepest black, her eyes a searing green. For a moment, I just gazed at her, curling a lock of her hair around my index finger. A bond. I didn’t get it, why anchoring myself to her this way felt as if I were home… even when home was what I’d destroyed so long ago.
Aly just stared, her throat bobbing heavily as she swallowed down whatever doubt flashed across her features. Shaky fingers reached out to caress my bottom lip. “I am yours, Jared. Take me.”
Deep inside, I thrashed, a fury of nerves and need and a broken spirit that for the first time felt as if it were almost whole. Fear beat a steady drum and bound itself to my heart. It danced with the guilt, the shame of what I already knew I was about to do.
Because every part of me knew this was f*cking wrong.
All except for the part that knew her, wanted her, the part that was drowning in a desire that screamed louder than any lash of fear and hurt worse than any lick of shame.
The part that knew the only thing that mattered was Aly.
My Aly.
I sat up on my knees as I leaned over to work her shorts and panties down her slender legs. I tossed them behind me to the floor.
Aly wet her lips, her chest rising and falling in spastic quakes, her gaze intense. “Jared, please, I need you.”
Lust shot through me as I looked down at her fully exposed, lying back on the bed that had become like a reprieve from the storm that ruled my life. With hungry eyes, I traced the slope of her neck, the swell of her breasts, the curve of her hips. Her knees were bent, her feet planted, her arms draped over her head where her hair was fanned out, framing her perfect face.
No doubt, she was the most beautiful thing I’d ever seen. But tonight, looking at her felt different, felt like maybe I was looking at life. Another lie. One when behind her door, I’d be foolish enough to believe.
I rose from the bed and shed the rest of my clothes.
A small smile whispered at just one side of her mouth as she watched me. Trust I didn’t deserve edged out the fear on her face.
Nudging her knees apart, I climbed back onto the bed and settled between her thighs. I kissed her slowly while my body screamed. I pushed up on one hand and held her face in the other, my thumb caressing the apple of her cheek, searching her eyes for any sign that I should stop.
Her jaw was slack, her skin flushed. Aly arched her back, forcing her chest into mine, her neck extended as she begged for my touch. She lifted her chin as if in supplication, offering herself to me. “I am yours,” she promised again.
Need tumbled through me, surged, and rushed. I groaned into her neck and kissed along the sensitive skin. My nose ran along the ridge of her jaw as I held her by the back of her head. My fingers got lost in the mass of her hair. I pressed a gentle kiss to the hollow beneath her ear, before I turned to the swells of her breasts, devouring her skin, feasting on the pure, taking the good.
“Please,” she begged as she lifted her hips.
Straining, my body begged, warring with the hesitation. I was at her center, rubbing shamelessly against her warmth, our skin bare as I brought us closer than we’d ever been.
My arms caged her, fingers boring into the skin at the base of her scalp, my voice little more than a ragged grunt. “Aly, are you sure? We said we weren’t going to do this.”
She buried her face in my neck and mumbled, “All I want is you.”
It was the thought of being fully lost in her that left me without resolve. We’d spent so many nights as fools, pretending we wouldn’t end up in this very place. Those nights had only been a taste of the pleasure that I knew was now to come.
I’d seen those pink packs of pills in her bathroom a thousand times. And I was clean. I’d checked that shit out after I began sleeping in her bed. No chance would I risk spreading her any filth.
My stomach tightened, and I edged back until I was poised at her center. I barely pressed into her, let her warmth send shivers rushing up my spine as I watched her mouth part and her eyes darken exactly the way I imagined they would.
“Jared.” Aly swallowed frantically. She seemed to be flailing for solid ground. Fingertips dug into the bunched muscles of my shoulders that were held tight in restraint. The nerves that raced across her skin were palpable, lifted as goose bumps, and spread as heat. Aly quivered a smile and exhaled a shaky breath across my face. “I feel you.”
Shit.
I was about to lose all control. I pulled back before I took her deeper. Aly’s legs trembled and she tightened them on my hips.
Her face pinched. “Ow.”
F*ck, I hated myself so badly for doing this. My knees shook, my elbows digging into the bed as my hands fisted in her hair. She was so tight. Painfully tight. I couldn’t f*cking breathe as I slowly spread her.
Broke her.
Took what never should have been mine.
“Aleena” wept from my mouth.
Tears gathered in her eyes and streaked down the sides of her face, trailing along the crease of her ears before they disappeared into her hair.
“F*ck, Aly, baby, I’m so sorry… I’m so f*cking sorry.”
A smile trembled at her mouth. “Don’t.” Hoarseness coated her voice. “I want this. I want you. It’s just… all of this… it’s perfect.”
A sheen of sweat glistened across her forehead, and strands of hair clung to her dampened face. I swept it back, looking down at the girl who’d completely shaken me as she stared up at me. Her expressive eyes shone with affection.
We just lay there.
Bonded as one.
If I believed in soul mates or any of that shit, I knew she was mine. I could feel it, this connection with her I couldn’t possibly share with anyone else. Like we fit, this f*cked-up puzzle that made no sense until we aligned the pieces. But it wasn’t possible. I didn’t get the happy ending, and even if I did, I’d only ruin it. Just like I knew I was ruining her now.
I held myself rigid, refusing to move while she adjusted, while the shock of what I’d taken from her passed. Her uneven breaths slowed and her legs loosened the grip they had on my hips. My thighs shook with the loose thread I had on my control.
I felt the moment she let go. “I’m yours,” she mouthed.
And I took. My body strained, pushed, and pled as hers accepted and gave. I rocked into her again and again. I savored the little pants I forced from the depths of her throat, the way her fingers felt as they cut into my skin. Our bodies burned, heat slicking our stomachs and pooling in the valley between her breasts as I moved with her in a way I’d never moved with anyone before. I mean, how many other girls had I been with? I had no clue. Because they were easily forgotten. But this… being with Aly was different, and I knew I’d never forget.
“F*ck, Aly, you feel so good.” So good. Perfect. Almost as if she were truly mine.
With my words, she whimpered, and I gave myself over to her. Pleasure knotted at the base of my spine and spread down the back of my thighs. I throbbed and ecstasy hit. Spasms jerked through my body, every nerve alive. With my face buried in the crook of her neck, I cried out, her name on my tongue the only f*cking thing that made any sense. Gasping, I searched for air, smelled the delicious coconut and the good and the girl. I gathered her up, my face still hidden in her warmth, hugged her to me closer than I ever had before.
“Aly” whispered from my mouth.
My Aly.
I wound a finger in her hair.
I’d given in, chased after her comfort.
Now there’d be hell to pay.