FIFTEEN
Aleena
Joy reverberated through my being.
Intense, consuming joy. It was the kind of joy fraught with apprehension and stifling doubt. I wasn’t sure Jared came close to understanding what last night had meant to me, how his touch had become my truth.
Never before had I allowed anyone to touch me that way.
Either physically or emotionally.
Megan was right. I just hadn’t been able to fully see it. Every relationship I’d had, one way or another, I’d subconsciously sabotaged. I’d held myself just out of reach, staved off every advance, rejected every wandering hand. Maybe somewhere inside me I’d been saving myself for him because part of me had always believed that one day he would return.
Or maybe it was just that I had been waiting for someone who could possibly make me feel the way he had made me feel. Someone who could fill up the space Jared had left when he was so brutally torn from my life. Someone I cared enough about that it would cover up the sadness I felt for Jared, the ache that seemed to never dissipate. But there had never been anyone like that because it turned out it had been Jared all along. There was no one else who fit.
And it was shocking just how ready I was to give myself to him.
For him to take me.
I’d come so close to losing him again. I’d sensed his intentions the moment I found him sitting alone in my darkened room, and I knew it was all or nothing. And I wanted it all. Kissing him at the party had rocked my foundation. Last night had shattered it. I would never be the same.
Affection expanded in that place deep inside where I’d kept him hidden all these years. I no longer wanted to hide it, even though I knew that was exactly what I had to do. Jared was… volatile… irrational… ashamed. Not of me, but of himself. I knew there wasn’t a chance he could see himself the way I saw him. Would I ever be able to convince him he was wrong? I saw it there, dimming the light in his eyes, the idea that what he felt for me was somehow undeserved, impure, something disgraceful, bred for shame.
He couldn’t even admit what he felt was real. But I could feel it. I felt it in every brush of his hand. I found it in the words he’d once again left for me, words he didn’t have the strength to say. They were written on the same type of worn paper that he had left before.
A still heart quickens as beauty graces the foul.
Last night I’d burned to tell him, to open my mouth and expose it all. To tell him he was the reason I remained untouched because he’d already touched me in a way that bonded him to me. Intuition held me back, warning me that I’d already pushed him just about as far as he could go.
No longer was I that delusional little girl. I couldn’t fix him, and I knew I could never erase his pain. Honestly, I didn’t want to. Trying to would only minimize what he’d suffered. But maybe one day he could let go of some of the guilt. If he could be freed of the blame, he could begin to heal.
I wanted to be a part of that. Even if my only purpose was to give him a flicker of hope.
Work turned out to be just the distraction I needed. The lunch rush had the diner packed with customers, and my hands stayed busy with menial tasks while my mind stayed close to Jared. But I itched to be back in his arms.
Still I found myself driving to my parents’ house after I finished my shift. I wasn’t quite sure what it was, but I felt like I needed to get my feet back on solid ground, to be granted a sense of certainty, before I offered myself back up to uncertainty.
I knocked once before I opened the door. “Mom?” I called. There was no answer, and I walked through the silent house. “Dad?”
Out the sliding glass door, I caught a glimpse of them. They were curled up together on one of those two-person loungers by the pool. For a second, I remained still, watching. Wearing bathing suits and sunglasses, they had their faces turned to the blistering summer sky. Dad sat up higher, his arm draped casually around the top of Mom’s head, his fingers mindlessly toying with her hair.
They’d always been natural together. Comfortable. Even when they fought.
I shook my head and slid open the door.
Mom jumped and shot up in the lounger. Her hand went to cover her heart. “Oh my God, Aly, you scared me.”
“I always scare you, Mom.” I laughed as I stepped into the backyard. “You just jumped, like, ten feet in the air.” No surprise there.
Dad chuckled and tugged at her hair. “See? Even Aly knows what a twitchy little thing you are.”
Mom playfully swatted him across the chest. “I’m not jumpy. I’m vigilant. There’s a big difference.”
Dad pushed himself up to a sitting position. He lifted his sunglasses from his eyes and ran his hand over his face, then turned to me. “So, how are you, sweetheart?”
“Good… really good. How have you been?”
“Oh, you know, just the same,” he answered absently, never one to call much attention to himself.
I loved my dad. He was the kind who was fiercely protective, one who would willingly stand in front of a moving train if it meant he could spare someone he cared about even an ounce of suffering.
It also meant he would never understand about Jared.
Black and white. Good and bad. Even after everything Jared had gone through, Dad still could only see Jared as a punk kid who had taken his family further down in the midst of all their hurt, rather than realizing he was just a boy who couldn’t find his way out of the pain. A week before Jared had been sent away, Dad had actually forbidden Christopher to ever see Jared again. But it wasn’t as if Jared had been trying to hang out with Christopher. At that time, he was already gone, mentally, emotionally. Just… gone.
No question, Dad would see Jared as a threat now. One to his family. One to me.
“So, what are you doing here?” Mom maneuvered off the lounger and pranced across the hot concrete in her bare feet. She hugged me close, then held me by the upper arms and leaned back to take me in. She squeezed in emphasis. “It feels like I haven’t seen you in forever.”
“Well, that’s why I’m here,” I said dryly, shooting her a small smirk promising I was just playing around, affection shining in my eyes. I’d missed her, too.
She grinned, then softened as she touched my chin, asked quietly, “How’s my baby girl?”
“I’m good.”
Mom smiled and softly inclined her head. “Come on, let’s get something to drink.” She slid the door open. “Do you want anything, Dave?” she called behind her.
“No… I’m fine.” Dad lay back on the lounger, folding his hands over his chest.
I ran across to him and kissed him on the cheek. “Love you, Dad.”
“Love you, too, sweetheart.”
I skipped back across the yard and into the house. Inside, Mom was pouring two glasses of iced tea. She handed me one.
“Thank you.”
She sipped at her tea, eyeing me over her glass. I prepared for the inquisition.
“So you just popped by, huh? After I haven’t seen you in more than a month and after you never called so we could have a shopping day? I think something’s up… and judging by that smile that keeps creeping to your mouth, I’d guess it’s a boy.” The last she sang as she wiggled her shoulders.
As hard as I tried to hold it in, I let go of a small, self-conscious giggle and felt the flush the second it lit my cheeks. Even though what Jared and I had shared last night had been incredibly intense, that he’d left this heaviness weighing down the deepest recesses of my heart, there was another piece of me that felt light.
Like maybe I’d just experienced my first kiss.
Mom’s eyes widened. I’d never talked boys with her because there’d never been anything to say. None of them had mattered except for the one I’d kept from her. But Mom was all about girl talk. I remembered her and Helene staying up until all hours of the night, sharing a bottle of wine while they just talked and laughed, lost themselves in their secrets and dreams. I wondered now how much she missed those days.
“Am I right?” Mom prodded, the words teasing, although she looked on me with a slow tenderness as she ribbed me. She knew I’d always been private about these things, only because I’d never had enough courage to tell her.
I’d come so close to telling her that night. Terrified and shaking, I’d gotten as far as her bedroom door, ready to confide in her. But I’d frozen, paralyzed, when I heard her crying behind it, the vibration of Dad’s harsh, angry voice overriding her tears. After more minutes than I could count, I’d turned to find Christopher staring at me in shocked disbelief, as if all of us were set adrift and had been scattered to deal with things none of us could handle.
Never again had I mentioned his name. That’s the way we’d all handled it until the day he returned.
“Aren’t you always?” I hopped up onto the counter and swung my legs the way I did when I was a little girl.
Amused lines deepened at the corners of Mom’s eyes. “No, not always. Most of the time,” she added with a wink, “but not always.” She leaned up on the counter next to me. “So, tell me about this boy who makes those green eyes dance.”
I squeezed both shoulders in a confused shrug and blew the air from my pursed lips. How could Jared be contained by simple words? I looked at her, and again I could feel the admission trembling on my lips. “He scares me, Mom.”
She stilled, her hand clamping down on her glass before she shakily set it down and turned to face me. “What do you mean, he scares you? Aly – ”
“No, not like that, Mom.” I cut her off, struggling for words. “It’s just… it hurts to care about him so much.” It always had and it felt good to finally admit it aloud.
She searched my face. “Oh my God, Aly… you love him?”
I didn’t answer.
“How long have you been seeing him? I don’t… Who is he?” Mom seemed to flounder through her thoughts, like maybe it stung that I was just telling her this now.
Guilt swept through me. After all these years, I was still keeping him a secret. “I don’t even know what we are, Mom. I just care about him, so much, and when we’re together I… ” I frowned, blinked, then let the truth flow free. “It feels like the best thing that ever happened to me.”
She moved in front of me and softly ran a lock of my hair through two of her fingers, this wistful expression on her face. “Love is the best thing that will ever happen to you, Aly.”
Slowly I nodded as I let her words take hold. My voice was rough. “Thank you, Mom. You don’t know how much I needed to hear that.”
“You know that’s what I’m here for,” she whispered. Then she shook herself off and stepped back, her voice returning to normal. “So, when do I get to meet this mystery man? Oh, why don’t you bring him over for dinner?” she asked, clearly excited by the proposition.
“I don’t think we’re quite there yet. But someday.” I could only hope.
Doubt chipped a little fissure in my belief. Jared had made me no promises. And it was true, I didn’t even know what we were. I only had the promise of his touch, only knew he looked at me the same way I looked at him. That was what buoyed me, what filled me with faith.
Mom frowned and regarded me seriously. “I know you’re grown, Aly, but I would really like to meet him.”
Just then a key rattled the lock in the front door. Mom reached for her tea glass as we heard the heavy footfalls of someone entering the house.
Was it terrible I was thanking God for the interruption? But I didn’t know how much more information I could give Mom now before it all became obvious.
Augustyn walked into the kitchen, tearing a sweaty T-shirt over his head. He wore basketball shorts and tennis shoes, his deeply tanned skin gleaming with moisture. I sometimes wondered how Mom and Dad had raised such a jock when Christopher and I were anything but.
He smiled wide. “Aly! I was excited to see your car out front. How are you?”
“I’m doing really good. I’ve been missing you, though,” I said with all honesty.
He didn’t hesitate to envelope me in a hot, sweaty hug. “I know. Me, too.” Aug’s voice had permanently roughened, thickened like a man’s. It made me smile.
“So, guess what I found out today,” he said as he drew back, grinning with pride. “You are looking at our first-string quarterback. They announced the selections today.”
“Really?” I jumped off the counter and hugged him again. “Congratulations.”
Mom nearly tackled him. “You did? Aug, I’m so proud of you.”
I was all mixed up in their embrace and it felt really great.
When Augustyn had his fill of pats and hugs and congrats, he pulled back. Mom pointed at him. “And you stink. You need to take a shower.”
Laughing, he backed away. “Think I’m just going to take a swim. Dad’s out there anyway, and he told me he was supposed to be the first to know.” Aug lifted his chin in my direction. “It really was good to see you, Aly.” He slid the sliding glass door open and smirked at me from over his shoulder. “And tell Megan I said hi.”
My mouth dropped open in feigned disgust, my lips animated in silent embellishment. Gross.
He laughed and the door slid shut behind him.
I turned back to Mom. “I think I’m going to head home.”
Disappointment flashed across her face and she huffed out a frustrated breath. “Fine, but honestly, Aly. Don’t shut me out, okay?”
I nodded, though I wasn’t sure I could keep that promise. It wasn’t because I didn’t want to. God, Christopher had asked me not to even mention that Jared was staying with us, and Jared definitely didn’t want Christopher knowing about us. I wasn’t sure that I did, either. I was pretty sure Christopher would freak out. No doubt my dad would freak out. And their knowing would undoubtedly throw Jared over the edge.
“Love you, Mom.” I hugged her close to me, her touch tender as she rubbed my lower back.
“Love you, too.” She pulled back and held my face. “I’m happy for you… whoever he is.”
I bit at my lip as his name danced on my tongue. I realized how much I wanted her to know. I swallowed. “I’ll see you soon.”
“Okay,” she said.
I headed for the door.
“And be safe,” she hollered after me.
Shaking my head I smiled and pulled the door shut behind me.
Outside, it was humid, the sky overhead cast in a shimmering blue. Instantly sweat clung to my skin, and I squinted up into the blinding Arizona sun. Heavy cumulous clouds gathered far to the south, built and piled as they stretched toward the heavens and slowly encroached upon the city.
The monsoon was here.
Starting my car, I made my way across town. I slipped through the gate. Anxious excitement caused a stir of butterflies to take flight in my stomach when I rounded the corner.
Jared rode just ahead of me, and he used his feet to back his sleek bike into the spot he always parked it in. He came to a standstill facing out. His booted feet were stretched out wide, balancing the metal between his legs. He wore his typical dark low-slung jeans and a black tee that exposed the story woven over the strength of his arms. The bold numbers strewn across his knuckles sat prominent where he gripped and flexed at the handlebars. That gorgeous face remained stoic, almost hard, but his hair was wild, untamed from where it had been battered by the wind.
I lost my breath.
Last night I’d spoken the truth when I reached out to touch his face, this coarse beauty that was something utterly terrifying and altogether captivating.
I struggled to smother my reaction to seeing him, gathered my things, and climbed out of the car. Jared swung his leg over his bike and retrieved a couple of grocery bags from the leather pouches hanging on each side of the long seat.
“Hey.” I crossed the lot, approaching him. I was seriously doubting my ability to play it cool when he looked like that. Or when he looked at me like that.
He turned just as I came up behind him, roughing a hand through his hair, which I was itching to do myself. His smile was slow, and his gaze swept over me, head to toe, then traveled back up again. “Hey,” he said with a smirk quirking his mouth.
How the hell were we supposed to manage this? Because all I really wanted to do was crush myself to him, to press my lips to his to find out if it would feel just as good as it did last night.
That place in the deepest part of my stomach fluttered, sure that it definitely would. Memories of his touch slammed into me, tickled along my flesh, and I couldn’t help blushing when I thought that I couldn’t wait until he did it again.
His smirk grew right along with the redness on my face.
Yeah, the boy could read my mind.
I turned away and started up the steps. He was right behind me, his presence thick – consuming. My heart thudded.
Fingertips grazed up the sensitive skin at the back of my neck. Chills raced down my spine. Just at the door, he pressed his chest to my back, bent over to graze his nose along my jaw before he whispered in my ear, “You were gone longer than you said. Were you trying to make me worry about you?” His voice came out in a slow rasp of accusation and his hand ran up my arm to hold on to the cap of my shoulder. “You already drive me crazy when I’m around you.” He edged his fingers down to the neckline of my shirt and teased at the skin. “Do you plan on driving me crazy when you’re gone, too?”
I sucked in a shaky breath. “I just stopped by to see my parents.”
His palm slipped up to hold me at the neck, the slight pressure lifting my jaw. “I hated not knowing where you were… when you would come.” His tone was hard, and my pulse stuttered. Jared held me there, his nose skimming along the base of my neck as he breathed me in. “I don’t know what the hell we’re doing, Aly, but whatever it is, I can hardly stand it.”
Abruptly he stepped back, and I stood there gasping for air. Desire crawled along the surface of my skin and sank deep into my bones. God, I didn’t know how to handle this, the impulse to turn and lose myself in him.
Wetting my lips, I worked my face into a neutral expression. I unlocked the door and stepped inside. Christopher was there, sitting on the couch in the same spot I’d left him in this morning.
Jared’s voice startled me from behind. “Look who I ran into downstairs.”
Christopher cut his attention back to us, gestured his hello. “How was work?”
I forced myself to act normal and dropped my bag to the floor just inside the door. “It was pretty good. Stopped by Mom and Dad’s to tell everyone hi after I got off. Augustyn made first string. You should give him a call.”
“No way,” Christopher said, pushing back the hair that had fallen in his eyes. “That is seriously cool. I’ll give him a call. Damn, I need to make more time to hang out with him.” He’d started to mumble, talking mostly to himself.
I smiled as I walked past him. “I know, I know… has to be so tough carving out a couple hours from your tiresome summer schedule of no school or work,” I teased.
Christopher rolled his eyes. “Ha-ha.”
I headed for the hall. “I’m going to change really quick.”
Snapping shut the door behind me, I stood in the refuge of my room. My attention traveled to the tangled sheets of my bed that had become like a sanctuary, the safest place, where Jared and I were free and our mouths whispered and our hands touched.
And I prayed for darkness because I couldn’t wait until he held me there again.
I tugged the tight rubber band free from my hair, let it fall loose, and changed into some shorts and a clean tank top. Contentment spread through my entire body, and I inhaled deeply as I let go of all the stress I’d allowed to slowly build and invade, allowed to encroach and taint my thoughts.
In the end, all that mattered was he was here.
We spent the afternoon relaxing in front of the TV. I loved it, the feeling that things were the way they were supposed to be, just Jared, Christopher, and me. I lay on the floor while the two of them sat on the couch. Often I would catch Jared stealing glances at me, his eyes soft as they caressed my body. It was as if he managed to touch me without ever laying a hand on me. I shivered and hugged myself, longing for time to pass because I couldn’t wait to be back in his arms.
Night dimmed the sky, and a dense calm hovered in the room as the day bled away. Jared sank deeper into the couch, his legs extending farther and farther out in front of him. His feet rested on the sides of my head, flanking me, casual, but with a presence that warmed my soul. I yawned and settled into the comfort of it.
Christopher jumped to his feet. “I can’t stand to sit around here any longer. Let’s go play pool or something.”
“Ugh, Christopher, I’m half-asleep over here,” I said, rubbing my eyes with the heels of my hands.
He pointed at me as he headed for the hall. “Exactly. That’s why we’re getting out of here. It’s nine o’clock at night, and I’ve been sitting on my ass all day.”
Warily, I tipped my head back to peek up at Jared, and frowned.
He just idly smiled and nudged me in the shoulder with his foot. “Get up, lazy girl. We’re going out.”
Charlie’s was Christopher’s favorite dive bar. There were plenty of pool tables, the drinks were cheap, and one band or another was playing almost every night. I pulled into the overflowing parking lot and the three of us climbed out of my car. The draw of this place was easily understood. Most appealing to the city’s delinquents had to be the fact that they didn’t card at the door. Christopher had been coming here for years and began dragging me along when I moved in with him.
We made our way through the groups of people huddled outside and entered through the large wooden double doors. Inside, it was dingy, dank, the lights cast low. Old neon bar signs glowed from the walls, and hardwood planks covered the grimy floors. Straight back was a large horseshoe bar, surrounded by at least twenty stools. Three or four bartenders contended with the overeager patrons, and waitresses rushed between the high, round tables that claimed the space directly in front of the bar. Music blared from overhead speakers, and to the right was a small stage where a band flitted around preparing for their set. A few couples danced within the boundaries of the smooth dance floor facing the stage. To the left and extending farther down the side were rows and rows of pool tables. Vintage stained glass billiards lights swung from the rafters, illuminating the well-worn felt tables below. Just like the parking lot outside, the place was packed.
Christopher elbowed Jared to get his attention. “I’ll go grab us a couple of beers. You want to get us a table?”
“Sure.”
Christopher lifted his chin toward me. “You want anything?”
“Um, would you get me a Coke?”
It hadn’t taken much for him to convince me to be DD.
He grinned, walking backward. “A Coke it is.” He turned and disappeared into the crowd.
Jared’s attention trailed him until the second he was out of sight. As soon as he was, Jared reached for my hand, squeezing it as he drew it to his mouth. A subdued groan vibrated against my skin. His blue eyes were all warm when he looked down at me. “I’ve been dying to touch you for hours. Do you have any idea how much, Aly?” He pressed my palm to his nose. When he pulled back, he was biting at his full lower lip, something like confused wonder slipping through his expression as his eyes roamed over my face. A smile suddenly widened his mouth, and he folded my hand in his and tugged. “Come on, let’s find a table.”
My grin was uncontrollable as he wove us through the crowd. I loved this feeling, like we were natural and meant to be. We found an open pool table in the far back. He picked a cue and helped me do the same, and I watched as he leaned over to rack the balls. He grinned back at me, all sly and cocky.
This side of Jared was so unexpected, this boy who smiled so effortlessly, as if for the moment his pain had been suspended and he’d been granted a reprieve. I wondered if he noticed the stirring of joy I witnessed in his eyes or if he was so conditioned he could only recognize the bleakness glutting his heart and mind.
I had the overwhelming urge to approach him from behind, and I thought that was surprising, too. I wanted to run my hand up his back and feel his strength as it rippled and bunched beneath the cover of his shirt, to be intimately reminded of what we had shared last night. I was different with him. Better and worse, too confident and incredibly naive. Jared made me desire things I’d never desired before. It confused me, left me both vacant and filled. Almost complete.
Jared frowned at me as if he’d caught the perplexity of my thoughts. Self-conscious, I dropped my gaze and distracted myself by chalking my cue stick. The band struck up, lifting the din in the bar to deafening levels. Christopher returned with the beers and my soda.
“Here you go, man.”
“Thanks.” Jared accepted his, flicked off the cap, and tipped it in Christopher’s direction before he took a long swig. He wiped his lips with the back of his hand.
“I’ll sit out the first game,” I offered as I leaned up against the wall, sipping my Coke from a straw, “but I play winner.”
Christopher grabbed his cue and grinned. “Well, sounds like you’ll be playing me, then, little sister.”
Taunting laughter fell from Jared’s mouth, his blue eyes gleaming with mirth. “Ah, feeling pretty sure of yourself there, huh, Christopher? I’d say we need to put a little wager on this.” He pulled a twenty out of his wallet and slapped it on the table.
“Oh, you’re on.” Christopher dug out his wallet.
They picked up their play while I hovered near. We laughed and the guys drank. Jared was good, but so was Christopher. The two of them battled in this constant harassment, flippantly slinging low-blow gibes and sordid insults at each other that neither took to heart.
By the end of the game, Christopher was tucking Jared’s twenty in his pocket, all too happy to rub it in. “Jared, will you ever learn? You should know I always end up coming out on top.”
Jared leaned up against the wall with an easy grin as I stepped in for my game. How good would it feel to claim him openly, this beautiful boy, to stroll up to him, lift up on my toes to brush my lips across his? For a fleeting second I wondered how he’d react, how Christopher would react.
I glanced at Christopher, his black hair unruly and his green eyes sharp. Without a doubt, that would be a really bad idea.
I shook off the thoughts and feigned confidence as I sauntered up to my brother. “You’re in so much trouble now,” I said, tipping my chin up in mock challenge. I held back laughter that threatened to work its way free. The only time I’d ever beaten Christopher was the one time he let me.
He quirked an amused eyebrow and his green eyes sparkled. “Really?”
“Really,” I said with a resolute nod.
It took him about five seconds to annihilate me.
Jared dragged a high barstool over and set it up near the wall for me. “Here, hop up here so you can see better while I kick your brother’s ass in this next game.” His smile was loose as he gestured for me to sit. He reached out to help me climb onto the chair. And I assumed it was the few beers he’d already consumed that had lowered his walls, because his touch was gentle and lingered a beat too long. His hand gripped at my side and his thumb caressed along one of my ribs.
That simple display of affection quickened my heart. Because with him, I wanted it all. There was no disguising my yearning as I looked up at him, his eyes so soft as they looked down on me. I watched as he swallowed, the heavy bob of his throat; then reluctantly he turned back to Christopher. “All right, my friend, time for me to show you how it’s really done.”
Another hour passed, and I sat on the stool slowly swinging my legs, watching the two of them. I’d fully bailed out of the good-natured contention three games before, saying I’d been humiliated enough for one night. Christopher won another game while Jared won two. They drank a few more beers, their laugher and jests increasing, their banter so much like it used to be. A hum of satisfaction pulsed into every crevice of my being.
Jared had stayed and I thought maybe he was happy.
Christopher was obviously having a really good time. Probably a little too much of a good time, as his jests started verging on the edge of obnoxious. It only made me laugh. With his bottle lifted high, he polished off what had to have been his seventh beer of the night. He slammed the bottle down on the small table before he leaned in to attempt a ridiculous jump shot. He fumbled and knocked the cue ball into the side pocket.
“Ah, shit,” he yelled through his raucous laughter as he stumbled back. He knocked into a guy trying to take a shot at the table behind him. Christopher jerked around, stretched out a hand to steady the guy he’d run into. A casual apology rolled naturally from his mouth. “Hey, sorry, man.” Christopher’s grin was wide.
But the other guy was furious. His hand fisted on his cue stick, aggressive as he sneered. “What the f*ck, you little prick?”
He was shorter than Christopher, but wider, older, rougher. His head was shaved or bald, I couldn’t tell. I could almost read his thoughts in his too dark eyes, the flame of aggression as he made the decision to mess with my brother. The guy liked it. Hostility dripped from his body, and he took one antagonistic step forward.
My heart pounded and my hands clenched around the seat of the stool. I hated fighting, hated when nights meant to spend unwinding turned into bad memories because sick people would rather hurt someone than let them be.
Lifting both palms, Christopher took a step back. Realization had sobered his face. This time his smile was obviously forced as he aimed to temper the situation. “Hey, man, I said I was sorry. No harm intended.”
Christopher usually got along with everyone. He was one of those people everybody wanted to hang out with. He had this charm about him that drew in the masses. He knew it, too, used it to his advantage to lure in his prey or to calm a charged situation. I’d only seen him fight a couple of times, always out of necessity, when there was no other choice. And Christopher could hold his own, no question about it. But against this guy? I wasn’t so sure.
I eased off the stool and found my footing. I slipped up behind Christopher, intent on pulling him away. None of us needed to deal with this tonight, and I just wanted to go home. Where it was safe.
“Christopher,” I said quietly as I slowly approached him, hoping to get his attention so we could get out of there.
Jared’s mouth was suddenly hot at my cheek, his large hand splayed against the opposite side of my face as he firmly held my head, demanding my attention. He uttered a low warning in my ear. “Get back, Aly. I don’t want you anywhere near this a*shole.”
Then he nudged me behind him, his arm extended back to keep me at bay. He crept forward to take up Christopher’s side. A clear declaration of alliance. Jared rolled his shoulders, this checked energy vibrating through his being. His hands clenched and curled, aggression coiling through the muscles of his arms that rippled and bunched under the colors marking his skin.
Fear turned my stomach. Fear of the guy staring down my brother, staring down Jared, fear at the violence skimming along the surface of Jared’s skin, itching to be released. I could feel it, this fierce rage that emanated from Jared’s spirit, like something dark had been unleashed and set free.
I turned my concentration from Christopher to Jared, sensing where the real danger lay. I placed an urgent hand on his upper back. “Jared, please, let’s just go,” I begged, so quietly I wasn’t sure either of them could hear, their focus entirely on the guy who cracked a menacing grin.
Jared twitched and shrugged me off, fisting his hands as he cocked his head in clear provocation.
We’d collected attention. A frantic murmur of voices and eyes descended upon the scene, a rustle of morbid interest as people began to draw near.
Panic prodded at my chest and twisted my stomach. We had to get out of here.
I edged in between Christopher and Jared, remaining just behind, determined to assuage the malice that had filled the air. This time I spoke a little louder and pulled at the back of Christopher’s shirt. “Jared… Christopher… come on, let’s just go. Please.”
The guy’s face contorted into a mocking sneer, taunting them. He looked directly at Jared. “Why don’t you tell your whore to shut her f*cking mouth?”
Hearing those words, Jared snapped. He moved faster than I’d ever seen anyone move, rushing the guy with his arm cocked back. I watched in horror as Jared’s fist brutally slammed into the guy’s face. The punch connected with a sickening thud that reverberated in my ears. Blood spurted, gushing from the man’s nose as it ran profusely down his face and dripped from his chin.
At the sight of blood, Jared seemed to lose it completely. He roared, descended on the guy in a fury of pent-up madness. Fists flew in a constant barrage as Jared’s attack drew more blood. Each hit landed more savagely than the last. The guy tried to fight back, but Jared was too agile and dodged every returned blow.
Finally finding his feet, the guy swung his cue stick with a thundering cry. It whipped through the air as he angled it for Jared’s head.
Jared ducked. In the same motion, he ripped the stick from the other man. Grabbing it in both his hands, he held the weapon horizontal as he charged. Jared’s teeth were bared, clenched, and he rammed into the guy’s chest. He bent him backward over the pool table, the stick holding him down by the chest. The guy thrashed, pinned to the green felt with his legs flailing as he fought to find leverage on the ground.
Jared leaned in close and growled in his face, the words hoarse as they ripped from his throat. “What the f*ck did you say? Say it again, f*cker. I dare you, say it again.” Pulling back a fraction, Jared slammed him down again. “Say it again.”
The crowd swarmed, vying to get a better view.
“F*ck you,” the guy all but moaned. Jared had stripped him of any other form of defense, so the guy spat in his face.
Incensed, Jared roared and raised the cue above his head.
I realized I was screaming, screaming Jared’s name. “Jared, stop! Oh my God, please stop!”
Seemingly prompted by the fear in my voice, Christopher reacted. From behind, he yanked the stick from Jared’s hands. Jared whirled around, flinging his fist, his blue eyes wild as he readied for another attacker.
Christopher was quick enough to jump back, and the aimless punch connected with air. “Jared, come on, man, look at me.” Christopher came in close to Jared’s face, his hands on his shoulders. Jared struggled to break free. “Come on, Jared, snap the f*ck out of it. This a*shole isn’t worth it, and I guarantee the cops are on their way. We have to get Aly out of here.”
Bouncers were making their way through the leering crowd just as those wild blue eyes darted to me. Pain crumpled his face, and he raised his bloodied fists in some kind of tortured surrender.
Christopher jumped into action and jerked me by the hand. “Come on. We have to get out of here.” Shoving through the throng, Christopher headed toward the back. The crowd seemed to open and swallow us whole. People pressed into us, holding us back, then surging us forward. I grasped at Jared’s hand, holding tight as Christopher expertly forged our escape.
We stumbled out the back door. More people were cluttered in groups as they gathered to smoke, standing in the thick night air that was heavy with the growing storm. Thunder rumbled overhead, flashes of lightning illuminating the blackened sky. Wind gusted hard, whipping up dirt and debris as it blew in low. Cringing, I looked to the ominous sky.
“Come on, this way,” Christopher commanded. He pointed to the right, then tightened his hold on my hand as he took off at a jog into the darkness that ran behind a strip mall that had long since been closed down for the night.
My hold tightened on Jared’s hand as I dragged him behind me. I refused to let him go.
Christopher wound us back around the long way. The approaching storm pressed in from above. Energy crackled through the clouds and sped along the ground. Lightning flashed, and I stole a furtive glance over my shoulder at Jared. He kept his face hidden as he trained his eyes on his feet, his hand almost limp where it burned against mine.
I wanted to stop, to take his face in my hands, to beg him to tell me he was okay. Instead I struggled to keep up with Christopher, who raced ahead. Desperate, I squeezed Jared’s hand as I tugged him harder, hoping he would at least understand my worry. His touch remained unresponsive.
We slowed our pace as we rounded the corner and slinked around to the front of the buildings. “Just play it cool, Aly,” Christopher warned.
We hit the sidewalk, the dull streetlamps lighting our way as they blinked through the haze of the storm. Jared removed his hand from mine and dropped back two feet, and I walked hand in hand with Christopher, nestled up against his side with my head held low, as we approached the bar parking lot.
We’d come full circle.
Three cop cars sat in the middle of the lot. Red and blue lights flashed. No one even noticed us as we drew near. All attention seemed focused on the mayhem that was undoubtedly still taking place inside.
Silently, we slipped up to my car that sat in near darkness, dim lamps from the front of the bar casting shadows across the lot. I clicked the door locks on my fob, and we slid into our seats, Christopher in the front and Jared directly behind me in the back.
We said nothing, just let the tension stretch between us as I fumbled with the keys to start the ignition. Finally I found the slot and turned over the engine. Shaking, I backed out, put the car in gear, and slowly eased out onto the street.
In silence we waited for something… for someone to follow… for some consequence to come. Warily, I glanced up in the rearview mirror to the empty street behind us. No one followed. My eyes wandered to find Jared’s head hung how, his face buried in his bloodied hands.
Christopher turned fully in his seat and searched the distance. Then he cracked up. “Holy shit, man.” His smile was wide and sloppy when he looked at Jared, his buzz making a resurgence as he slapped Jared on the knee. “That was f*cking awesome. You beat the shit out of that a*shole. The second he said something about Aly, I knew you were going to lose it.” He laughed as he rushed a hand through his disheveled hair. “You were always that way… sticking up for her. Shit… I bet you’d kick my ass if I said something bad about her.”
He slanted a grin at me, then turned it on Jared. “You’re like some kind of avenging angel, or some shit. Who knows what would have happened if you didn’t step in tonight? Either my ass would have ended up in jail or I’d be the one in that a*shole’s place. Dude was huge.” He laughed, glib, making light of whatever had occurred back at the bar. Christopher was oblivious of Jared’s misery, to the restlessness that twitched through his muscles, to the anxiety silencing his tongue.
Christopher turned up the radio and sang along to some terrible pop song, his voice raised and completely out of key. Leave it to my brother to completely miss what was really going on.
I turned at the gate to our complex. Again I lifted my face to search Jared’s in the mirror. I could feel it, him warring with whatever he’d been stricken by as he sat silently in my backseat. Punishing himself for his actions.
The protecting, I understood. One hundred percent. I would never criticize him for that. And maybe it was just the two of us who recognized it; the two of us that had felt his seething burn, the loss of control.
It scared me, and I knew it scared him, too.
Catching his eye in the mirror, I tried to convey that I understood. Ashamed, he dropped his gaze.
I pulled into my parking spot and cut the engine. Christopher and I climbed out of the car. It felt like an entire minute passed before the back door finally unlatched, resting ajar on the jamb. With his hand on the handle, Jared seemed to hesitate before he finally pushed open the door. When Jared slowly rose from the car, Christopher clapped him on the shoulder before he turned to head toward the apartment. Jared said nothing while the two of us made our way up the stairs. Walking a couple of steps ahead of him, I kept glancing back, searching for something. Jared gave me no response. And again I was silently pleading with him not to go.
All I wanted was for him to stay.
We entered into the sanctuary of the apartment, and I found myself wishing we’d never left it.
Christopher was in the kitchen, loud as he rummaged through the refrigerator on a mission to find something to eat. Just inside the door, I stopped. Exhaustion suddenly weighed down my arms, while adrenaline still knotted my stomach. It left me agitated and unsure.
Jared brushed by me and started toward the hall. Guarded, he paused and looked back on me with something that appeared to be an apology, before he disappeared into the bathroom. The door quietly snapped closed behind him, the click of the lock shutting me out.
I retreated into my room, calling, “Good night,” behind me.
It was an invitation. Please come.
I changed from my jeans and T-shirt into pajama pants and a tank, twisted my hair up into a messy tie. Sitting back on my bed, I leaned over and pulled my sketch pad from the floor and onto my lap. I turned to the last page I’d been working on, let my mind drift as I freed my hand.
Thunder rumbled overhead, shook the walls as the wind barreled and whistled through the trees.
The pencil rushed over the page, shading the perfect planes of his face, darkening his eyes because in them there was so much pain. Every time I thought maybe we were ebbing the pain away, it was only exposed how much deeper it went.
Outside my room, I listened to water running in the bathroom. I pictured him hunched over the sink as he tried to wash the night from his consciousness. Blood dripping from his knuckles, swirling through the water, tinting it pink before it vanished down the drain. But I knew even though he was erasing the physical traces of the fight, Jared would hang on to this as another scar.
I kept stealing glances at my door, willing him to come.
To come to me.
To love me the way he had done last night.
Or maybe just lie with me, hold on to me while I held on to him.
Two hours passed, and still he didn’t come.
I wanted to go to him. Comfort him. Finally, when I could take it no longer, I did. I rose from my bed and padded across my floor. As quietly as I could, I pulled open my door. I looked out into the empty hall. Blackness seeped from under the crack in the bathroom door. I stepped out. To my right, Christopher’s door was closed. Silence hovered thick in the apartment, and I tiptoed out into the main room. The couch was empty, without evidence of blankets or pillows. My pulse raced in fear, before I noticed Jared’s keys left in a pile on the coffee table. I shuffled around the couch and pressed my face to the sliding glass door.
The night sky was turbulent. Sheets of lightning sliced through the heavens, igniting the world in bright bursts of light before it fizzled out. Furies of harsh wind pummeled the thin branches of paloverde trees, slanting them askew. Frantic, I searched the darkened balcony for evidence of the one who’d always set me off-kilter, the one who’d set the standard of my beliefs because he’d been the one who’d managed to touch me so deeply. The sky flashed. It cast the balcony in transient light.
Jared wasn’t there.
I took two steps back. I fisted my hands in frustration, my attention darting all over the empty room. For a second, I studied the front door, before I swallowed down the lump in my throat and found the courage to cross the room. Quietly I opened it.
Relief washed over me when I found him sitting by himself on the floor with his back propped up against the wall beside the door. That relief clashed with the pain, this overwhelming surge of feeling that crested and rose.
Like a partner to the storm, Jared rocked in agitation as he brought a nearly spent cigarette to his mouth. His bare chest expanded as he filled his lungs. Smoke swirled above his head. Thick chunks of his blond hair lashed with the wind, beaten and stirred. Aggressively he stamped out the butt. A twisted snarl bled from his lips, and he curled his lacerated knuckles and mashed them against his temples, as if he’d do anything to silence the demons whispering in his ear.
Just for tonight, I wanted to make it go away.
I felt the moment he registered my presence, the way his hands pressed harder to his head, his movements harsh as he severely shook it. His voice was hoarse, barely audible above the howling wind. “Just… go back inside.”
He knew me better than that. He knew there was no chance I’d turn away, just like I knew him well enough to know he would try to shut me out.
Thunder crashed, and I delved deep to find the same courage I’d uncovered in myself last night. Creeping forward, I kneeled in front of him, my knees scraping on the coarse concrete floor. Slowly I crawled between his legs, my hands resting on his knees.
Jared rocked his head back on the pitted stucco wall. He kept his eyes closed tight, shielding me from the hurt I knew he harbored there. “You shouldn’t be out here,” he forced through gritted teeth.
“Why not, Jared?” I demanded. “Why do you think you have to go through everything alone?”
Tortured blue eyes opened to me. They skimmed my face, like this painful embrace. “Don’t you see it, Aly? This is exactly what I warned you about. I’m a f*cking disaster.” Reaching out, he touched my face, his head tilting to the side as he dragged his fingertips down my cheek, searching for understanding.
Flames burned beneath his touch, stoked the devotion I’d eternally hold for him.
Did he think he was somehow pushing me away, warning me, when all I wanted was more?
“I never wanted you to see me like I was tonight,” he said, “but it was inevitable… all of this is… inevitable. And still I stay because I don’t f*cking know how to walk away from you. Last night… ” He wrenched a trembling hand through his hair. “F*ck, Aly… last night was the closest I’ve come to feeling something real in so long.”
With his admission, warmth flooded and pooled, filled me whole. My hands clamped down on his knees, my fingers burrowing in his skin.
Stay.
A fierce squall of wind pushed into the space, rippled with energy, stirring my blood, stirring my heart.
Stay.
Leaning in close to his face, I captured his gaze, spoke above the churning storm. “None of that matters to me, Jared. And it was just a fight. You were sticking up for Christopher. Sticking up for me. What is wrong with that?”
My hair thrashed around my face, and Jared twisted his finger in a wayward lock as if he were anchoring himself to me.
Lightning flashed. Thunder rolled.
I sucked in a breath, losing myself in his simple touch.
“You know it wasn’t just a fight.” Jared shook his head, his eyes narrowing severely as he opened his mouth in confession. “Christopher was right when he said I lost it. I lost it the second that a*shole even looked your way. I wanted to… ” Hesitating, Jared dropped his gaze to the side, wet his lips, before pinning me with the full force of his stare. “I wanted to hurt him… I wanted to rip him apart. Just the thought of someone messing with you makes me insane.” He blinked, winding his finger tighter in my hair. “You make me f*cking crazy, Aly. Dangerous. It’s like all I want to do is protect you even though I know I’m going to end up hurting you. And God, it kills me to think of hurting you.”
I grasped his face between urgent hands. “Then don’t.”
His mouth collided with mine, his hands frenzied as he possessively sank them into my hair. He kissed and sucked, mumbled, “Aly… ” as he gasped for air. He pulled back, my hair threaded in his fingers as he splayed them wide. His eyes grew earnest as he held my head in his hands. “Baby, I don’t want to… God, I don’t want to.” He drew me back, his mouth forceful as it overtook mine.
I pressed my chest to his, felt his heart pound. I struggled to meet his kiss, to bear part of this anguish eating him alive. My fingers curled around his jaw before I wrapped my arms around his head. “Jared,” I begged.
Pricks of pain bit at my knees as I rose, battling to get closer, desperate as my body sought his.
I just needed to feel. To know his heart in his touch. For him to know mine.
Jared hoisted me up in one swift movement. My back was suddenly nailed to the door, his body covering mine. All the breath left my lungs. I moaned, making a frantic play to bring him closer as I clung to his wide shoulders.
Jared took my face in his hands, pulled back to search my eyes. He wet his lips, the frenzy that had blazed between us abating to a slow smolder. He hesitated, wavering, before he returned to me with a gentle, closemouthed kiss. He rested his forehead on mine. “Aly, can we… will you just lie with me? I just want to feel you.”
My exhale was shaky, and I sucked my bottom lip into my mouth, nodding against him.
Carefully he lowered me to my feet, fumbled with the knob, and let us into the silence of the darkened apartment. He led me to my room, quietly snapped the door shut, and turned the lock. In front of my bed, he pulled his shirt over his head, before he slowly removed mine.
“Aleena, you’re so beautiful,” he said as his eyes swept the length of my body.
Aleena.
Last night when he’d spoken my name like that, it had stolen my breath as he’d murmured it again and again. It made me feel beautiful. Made me feel loved, even when he couldn’t admit loving me was exactly what he was doing.
Lightning struck the same instant thunder crashed. A sudden torrent of violent rain pelted the window. I shivered, a rush of chills blanketing my skin. Jared reached out to caress them, fingertips light as they tickled along my collarbone.
He left us in only our underwear before he took my hand and guided me to the bed. He drew me near, his arms encircling me, his nose buried in my hair. The storm raged around us, so much like the man who held me in his arms. Violent. Unpredictable.
Beautiful.
Hours later, I listened as rain pattered lightly against the windowpanes, and thunder rolled in the far distance as the storm gave up its hold on the city.
For the longest time, I’d just lain on top of this sweet man who was so utterly hardened. It was difficult to reconcile the two. We’d said little, just held each other in the peace of the passing storm. After tonight, I knew that was really what Jared needed. Just to be held. His heart thrummed steadily beneath my cheek. He had me wrapped in his arms, his fingers playing along the skin of my bare back. He just stared at the ceiling, lost in thought.
I snuggled closer because I didn’t think I could ever get close enough. His fingers found their way into my hair, massaging up the back of my scalp. Contentment warmed me as it spread through my veins.
“This feels so good.” Jared’s hushed voice broke into the silence.
I trailed my fingers up his chest and to his shoulder. “So good.”
I didn’t want to ruin the peace we found ourselves in, but the question had sat quietly in the back of my head since that first morning when he’d confronted me in the kitchen and then stumbled into the apartment later that night with bloodied knuckles. Seeing him at the bar tonight had pushed my worry back to the forefront of my mind, where it plagued and nagged me. “Can I ask you something without you getting upset?” Timidly, I traced the dying rose that rested over his heart. I kept my head down because I couldn’t look him in the eye.
Humorlessly, he chuckled and toyed with my hair, lifting thick chunks and letting them fall in waves down my back. “That sounds like a loaded question, Aly. I think the better question would be if you can ask it without getting upset. Because I won’t lie to you, but I’m not sure you’ll like the answer.”
I swallowed. “It’s not like that. It’s just something I’ve been wondering about and you’ve never mentioned.” Okay, worrying about. Jared was right. I wasn’t sure exactly how I’d handle his answer.
“All right, then,” he prodded.
I paused, searching for some way to frame the question without sounding as if I were accusing him of something I really didn’t know all that much about. Because it wasn’t an accusation. I just needed to know. “I heard what they found in your locker when you were expelled… ” Knew what I had seen. My heart thudded a little too hard.
Jared sighed with impatience, but he didn’t seem all that surprised or angered by the question. “You want to know if I still use? If I’m an addict?”
I cringed at the bluntness of his words.
Jared sighed again, but this time it sounded like an apology. “Hey, look at me.” He nudged me. I lifted my head and he placed a warm hand on my face. Sincere blue eyes locked with mine. “Yes, Aly, I’m an addict because I’ll never forget how easy it is to slip into oblivion, and I’ll never stop wanting to go there. There are days when I think I’ll go crazy because I crave it so much and other days when I don’t think about it at all. But using is the easy way out. I tried that route, and it didn’t take long for me to realize this life wasn’t going to be easy. I haven’t used since the night they sent me away. I learned then I don’t get an escape.”
“Jared – ”
“Don’t, Aly.” He ran his thumb over my cheek. “You think I can’t feel this? How badly you want the things I can’t give you? That’s why it makes me sick that I’m doing this, because I already warned you… you can’t fix me, and you can’t say or do something that will change my mind or fill up the void in my soul.”
There was no anger in his words. Just sadness.
He increased his hold on my face and I nuzzled closer to him, wishing I could disappear inside him. Wished I could fill that void.
“I know that. I just care about you,” I whispered seriously.
A wistful smile quivered around his mouth, his eyes gentle, and I knew he cared about me, too.
“I know you do, Aly,” he admitted before his blue eyes dimmed. “Just be careful that you don’t care too much.”
I pulled his hand from my face, kissed across the numbers tattooed on the ripped and torn knuckles of his left hand: 2006. Death.
The year he’d lost it all.
I prayed that somehow he could again learn to live again.
The next day, I had to get up early because I was scheduled to work both the breakfast and lunch shifts. Jared had crept from my bed sometime in the very early morning hours, but not without leaving me another glimpse into his thoughts.
The foul spoils the beauty.
His words both touched me and saddened me.
I’d left him with a token of me, a tender kiss I’d placed just below his ear. He’d smiled, his sleepy eyes flickering open to look at me as soft words rasped from his hoarse throat. “Hi, beautiful.”
I’d left feeling good. Alive. As if maybe Jared and I had stumbled upon some kind of understanding, as unstable as it was.
I blew the bangs back from my forehead and began to tap an order out on the computer. Sundays were always busy, which I loved because it meant time passed quickly. I peeked at the clock on the wall. Only half an hour until I could go to him.
“How are you holding up, Aly?” Karina asked, popping her head through the swinging door.
I smiled at her. “I’m all caught up. It’s finally slowing down out there.”
“Looks like the rush is over. Why don’t you go ahead and finish up your last table and then you can cut out of here?”
“Thanks, Karina.”
“No problem. Let me know if you need anything.”
“Sure thing.”
The door swung closed behind her, and I turned my attention back to the computer and put in my last order of the day.
Two seconds later, the door swung open again. I glanced to the side to see another waitress, Clara, standing there staring at me, a question framing her set mouth.
I frowned and tucked my order pad back in my apron.
Suspicion tipped her head to the side. She was in her late twenties, bleached blond, wore too much makeup, and was one of the hardest workers at the restaurant. She once told me that being a single mom gave you a whole new work ethic.
I couldn’t help but like her.
“What?” I asked, a smile wobbling at the corner of my mouth. I just couldn’t help it. Happiness had that way about it.
I grabbed two glasses and began filling them with ice as I glanced over at her.
She shifted her weight back and crossed her arms over her chest, her expression glimmering with smug humor. “So, Aly, my friend,” she drew out, “do you care to explain to me why there’s a crazy-hot, scary guy asking for you out at the hostess podium?”
My hand tightened on the glass I was filling.
Jared.
Warmth flooded my face, spread down to wind through my heart. He was here.
Laughing, she edged forward and started filling glasses with ice and tea. She knocked me with her hip. “And I’m guessing by the look on your face you know exactly who I’m talking about.”
I bit my lip and rocked my head noncommittally. “Maybe.”
She chuckled low but lifted her chin to study my face. “Just be careful, okay? There’s something unnerving about him.”
Defensive needles prickled along the back of my neck, and heat burned the rims of my ears. “You don’t know anything about him. And I would have thought better of you than making judgments based on a few tattoos.” The words came out harsher than I intended.
She scoffed. “Come on, Aly, you know me better than that… . I wasn’t talking about his tattoos. I was talking about his eyes.” She stepped back and looked at me seriously. “And you’re right. I don’t know him. I don’t know anything about him and I know it’s not really any of my business.”
Her voice softened. “But I like you, and believe me, I’ve been there before. There are just some boys who are so broken they can never be tamed, and in the end, they just end up breaking you.” Old wounds creased the corners of her eyes. “I don’t want to see that happen to you.”
Her words hurt because they rang with truth. Doubt fluttered in my consciousness, but I shoved it off. “I know, Clara. I appreciate it. But it’s… ”
She just smiled knowingly and finished the thought I never would have been brave enough to say. “But it’s already too late.”
Too late had come a long time ago. “Yeah,” I admitted softly.
She forced a soft breath from her nose. “Well, then, why don’t you let me take your last table and you get out of here?”
“Are you sure?”
She brushed off my worry with a wave of her hand. “Yep. I could use the money, anyway.”
Appreciation edged my mouth. “Thank you, Clara.”
“Don’t worry about it.”
I handed her my table’s drinks, which she arranged with hers on a tray.
She walked across the kitchen and began to back out the swinging door. She peered out the small crack she made. She turned her attention back to me, lifting her brow in playful observation. “Good God, Aly. I don’t blame you for a second. I’d be lost, too. And did you say a few tattoos? Have fun memorizing those.”
Laughing, I threw a wadded-up dish towel at her. “Shut up,” I said, unoffended because Clara’s intentions were only good.
Of course, memorizing Jared’s ink was exactly what I intended to do, but for entirely different reasons than she assumed. I wanted to explore each one, to know the story behind it, and to understand the wound that had inspired it.
She ducked out of the way, grinning as she backed farther out the door. “Be safe,” she called out before it swung shut behind her.
Yanking off my apron, I grabbed my purse and headed out into the dining room. Jared stood near the wall just at the entrance, his hands stuffed in his pockets while he shuffled his feet. My heart sped, trying to keep up with the thrill I felt at seeing him here. I loved that he had sought me out. That he was taking a chance of exposing us here and not just keeping us hidden away in my room.
As if he felt me, he lifted his head as I approached. Self-consciously, he smiled and brushed a hand through his hair before he ran it down the back of his neck. He was nervous. And I couldn’t help thinking it was the cutest thing I’d ever seen him do.
I was grinning as I walked up to him. “Hey… what are you doing here?”
His smile widened, and he waved his hand toward the dining room. “I just hadn’t had lunch yet and heard this was a good place to eat.”
“Really?” I said, planting my feet on the floor, dubious.
He chuckled sheepishly, then reached for me, his hand at the back of my head as he pressed his cheek to mine, murmuring near my ear, “I f*cking missed you, okay?”
We found a table in the back, near the curve of windows that faced the street. Jared and I talked, and he held my hand under table, the circles he traced with his thumb on the back sending these little shots of joy down my spine. There was no urge to pull away when he shifted and ran it along the ridges of the scar on the outside of my left hand.
Because I was his.
“What happened here?” he asked casually as he ran his fingers over the long-healed skin.
I shrugged. “I just burned myself.”
Claire appeared at our table, her grin wide and knowing as she asked what we’d like.
Jared and I ordered, and we ate together, Jared’s smile easy, his words kind and free. We laughed. And it was natural. Exactly the way we were supposed to be.