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“So do you know anyone on the block who might’ve wanted to see Garth dead?”
“Of course not!” Libby exclaimed, plucking an errant cookie crumb from her lap. “He wasn’t a very popular man, but nobody actually wanted him dead.”
“Nobody?” I asked, suppressing the urge to reach for another cookie. “Are you sure there wasn’t anybody who had it in for Garth?”
“Well, maybe Willard Cox,” she conceded. “He and Garth fought like cats and dogs. But I doubt Willard actually climbed up on Garth’s roof and jimmied the shingles, if that’s what you’re getting at.”
“Speaking of Mr. Cox,” I said, grateful for the opening she’d just given me, “he happened to mention an altercation you had with Garth.”
“Me?” A brief blip of annoyance flashed across her face.
“Yes, he said you accused Mr. Janken of poisoning your roses.”
“Willard said that? How absurd!” She laughed a tinkly laugh about as genuine as Maxine Fiedler’s hair color. “I never accused Garth of any such thing.”
“I heard the same thing from a few other people,” I lied, trying to rattle her.
But she was a cool customer.
“Golly, no,” she smiled serenely. “Garth and I had a perfectly cordial relationship. I pride myself in bringing out the best in even the most difficult people.”
“So you don’t think he poisoned your roses?”
“Not at all,” she cooed. “Roses get sick and die all the time.
I’m sure Garth had nothing to do with mine dying, and if Willard Cox or anyone else said anything to the contrary, they’re sadly mistaken.
“Gracious!” she said, jumping up from the sofa. “Look at the time!
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“If I don’t get started refinishing the twins’ bedroom shutters, they’ll never get done in time for Christmas break.”
Her lips were smiling but her eyes had turned to steel. My audience with Libby had clearly come to a close.
I retrieved my shoes from her “mud rug” and as I did, I was gratified to see a defiant pink dustbunny clinging to the baseboard of her floor. Somehow the little devil had managed to escape annihilation during Libby’s recent waxing and buffing fest.
More power to you, little dustbunny, I thought, as I put on my shoes.
I thanked Libby for her time and headed back out to my Corolla.
I wasn’t buying her Little Miss Sunshine act, not for a minute. I’d bet my bottom Pop Tart her relations with Garth had been about as cordial as a Ku Klux Klan reception for Martin Luther King.
No, Libby Brecker had been lying through her perfectly whitened teeth. Now all I had to do was prove it.
Chapter
! Five #
That night, after a Spartan dinner of tuna and a toasted English muffin (honest, that’s all I ate!), I went out to the storage space behind my duplex and dug out my Christmas tree.
It was one of those wimpy tabletop models, with the ornaments already glued on—a sorry sight compared to the towering extravaganza at Libby’s.
I used to have real trees with real ornaments, but Prozac, convinced the ornaments were evil spirits from hell, was constantly diving at them with the ferocity of a kamikaze pilot.
The poor trees never stood a chance.
And so I was stuck with my pathetic tabletop model.
I plopped it down on an end table, and after dusting it off and draping it with tinsel, I turned to where Prozac was lounging on the sofa.
“How does it look, sweetie?”
She glared at it through slitted eyes and got to her feet. Tail erect and waving in anticipation of an ornament ambush, she cautiously approached it. Then she put her nose to one of the branches and took a sniff.
“So?” I asked. “What do you think?”
She sniffed under the tree, then turned to me.
What? No presents?
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Then, having decided the tree was free of lurking enemies, she curled up and went to sleep.
Minutes later, I settled down next to her on the sofa with a cup of cocoa and a stack of Christmas cards. I’d long since conceded defeat to Prozac in the photo-card skirmish, and had picked up some cards with an old-fashioned drawing of Santa on the cover.
I got out my address book and began my task. I tried to think of heartfelt personalized messages in twentyfive words or less, but I couldn’t concentrate. Ever since I’d left Libby’s house that afternoon, I’d had the nagging feeling I’d seen something significant there. An elusive something I couldn’t quite put my finger on.
Now I drummed my pen against my teeth, trying to remember exactly what it was. Images began flitting through my brain: The Swarovski Rudolph, the family photos, the newspaper clipping, the trophies, the handmade Christmas angels, the “mud rug,” the defiant pink dustbunny— And that’s when it hit me. It wasn’t a dustbunny I’d seen clinging to Libby’s baseboard—it was a piece of flocking.
Pink flocking. Just like the pink flocking I’d seen on Garth’s Candyland roof!
True, Libby could have been working on a project of her own that involved pink flocking. The woman was probably working on more projects than the NASA space team. Nevertheless, I couldn’t help wondering if she’d picked up that piece of pink fluff while jimmying the shingles on Garth Janken’s roof.
Yes, folks. It’s very possible that Libby Brecker’s latest project had been Attempted Homicide.
Armed with my Dustbunny Discovery, I paid a visit to the cop in charge of the Janken case, Lt. Frank DiMartelli.
DiMartelli worked out of the West Los Angeles precinct, a concrete bunker of a building in a none-too-glamorous part THE DANGERS OF CANDY CANES
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of town. I spent a good twenty minutes on a wooden bench exchanging pleasantries with a 6’4” transvestite named Cheyenne before the good lieutenant ushered me to his desk.
A laconic guy with droopy bloodhound eyes, DiMartelli nodded absently as I told him of my suspicions, all the while fiddling with a chocolate Santa on his desk. Occasionally he picked up a yellow legal pad and jotted down a note, but I had the sneaky suspicion he was working on his Christmas list.
“In other words,” he said when I was through, “you’re accusing Libby Brecker of murder because you saw a dustbunny on her baseboard.”
“It wasn’t a dustbunny. It was a piece of flocking.”
“Are you sure it was flocking?”
“Of course, I’m sure.”
He shot me a penetrating look from beneath his droopy lids.
“Pretty sure, anyway,” I hedged.
“We’ll check into it,” he said. “When hell freezes over.”
Okay, so he didn’t say the part about hell freezing over, but I knew that’s what he was thinking. Clearly he’d written me off as an interfering nutcase.
“Well, thanks for your time,” I said, not feeling the least bit grateful. “And bon appetit,” I added, with a nod to the chocolate Santa.
Then I got up and headed out the door.
I glanced back just in time to see him wad up the notes he’d just taken and toss them in the trash.
All in all, not a terribly satisfying meeting.
There was, however, some good news to report that week.
I’d just come home from my fruitless visit to Lt. DiMartelli, and was stretched out on my sofa, trying to dredge up the energy to tackle my Christmas cards. I’d abandoned my original plan to write heartfelt personal messages, settling for the 192
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slightly less imaginative “XOXOXO, Jaine.” But now even X’s and O’s seemed like a lot of work, and I was lying there staring at the ceiling, when the phone rang.
After fishing it out from between two sofa cushions, I heard a soft male voice come on the line.
“Jaine? It’s Tyler Girard.”
Omigosh, the sweetie from L.A. Girlfriends!
I bolted up, suddenly rejuvenated.
“Congratulations, Jaine. You’re now officially an L.A.
Girlfriend.”
“That’s wonderful!” I squealed.
“I told you there wouldn’t be any problems. We’ve already matched you with your Girlfriend.”
“When do I meet her?”
“I’ll fax you her background information and phone number, and you can set up a date.”
“I can’t wait!” I said, eager to start my life of selfless giving.
“I’ll also send along a copy of our Girlfriends Guidelines.
Some rules and regulations you need to follow. Nothing major.
Suggested venues for your dates, stuff like that.”
“How can I ever thank you for giving me this marvelous opportunity?”
“No need to thank us, Jaine. We’re happy to have you on board. Oh, and while I’ve got you on the phone, there’s something else I’d like to ask you.”
No, I’m not married, and yes, I’d love to go out with you.
But he was not, alas, about to ask me out on a date.
“You mentioned at our meeting that you’re a writer.”
“Yes, I am.”
“It so happens we’ve been looking for someone to write press releases for us. Have you ever done any PR?”
Okay, so it wasn’t a date, but it was the next best thing. A potential job, always a welcome prospect at Casa Austen.
“Oh, yes,” I assured him. “I’ve done lots of PR. Why, just THE DANGERS OF CANDY CANES
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last year I won an award for a promotional campaign I wrote.”
“Really? Who was your client?”
Drat. I was hoping he wouldn’t ask me this.
“Um. Toiletmasters Plumbers.”
Not exactly the Fortune 500 image I was hoping to impart.
“And what were you promoting?”
Phooey. I was hoping to avoid this one, too.
“A new product of theirs. Called Big John.”
“Big John?”
“A large-sized commode for large-sized people.”
“Really? And you won an award for that?”
“Yes,” I said, with as much dignity as I could muster. “The Golden Plunger Award from the Los Angeles Plumbers Association.”
Miraculously, he did not burst out into gales of derisive laughter. On the contrary, much to my amazement, the next words out of his mouth were: “Do you think you might be interested in doing some work for us?”
“Absolutely,” I assured him.
“Great! I’ll introduce you to Sister Mary Agnes at the Christmas party, and you can set up an interview with her.”
“The Christmas party?”
“Yes, every year L.A. Girlfriends has a big Christmas bash.”
“Sounds like fun.”
“I’ll look forward to seeing you there.”
Was it my imagination, or was there a hint of romance in his voice? Was Tyler possibly angling for an L.A. Girlfriend of his own?
I hung up in a happy glow. I’d started out to do something charitable, and already I was being rewarded. Not only was there a possible job on my horizon, there might even be a date. With a really nice guy.
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But the biggest reward, I reminded myself, would be the satisfaction I’d get from making a difference in the life of a motherless girl.
Yes, I, Jaine Austen, was about to leave the world of the Self-Involved and become one of life’s Noble Givers.