‘Everything going well?’ he said, still looking down at the mess. I followed his gaze. ‘Syphilis – Looking After Your Sexual Health’. ‘Gonorrhoea – Signs and Symptoms’. ‘Sexual Health Direct! A User’s Guide’.
‘They’re not mine,’ I said.
‘Right, right.’
‘They’re Mabel’s!’
‘Mabel’s! Well, in that case, that’s fine.’ He was actually shaking with mirth now. I grabbed the leaflets and stuffed them back in my bag.
‘Hey!’ said Mabel. ‘Dothe are my leafletth. Give them to me!’
Mabel reached into my bag and grabbed ‘Gonorrhoea – Signs and Symptoms’. I tried, undignified, to snatch it back, but Mabel wasn’t letting go.
‘They’re my leafletth,’ said Mabel accusingly, adding, for effect, ‘Dammit!’
‘And they’re very useful leaflets,’ said Mr Wallaker, bending down. ‘Why don’t you take this one as well and give the rest to Mummy?’
‘Thank you, Mr Wallaker,’ I said firmly but pleasantly, then, nose in the air, swept off graciously towards the school gates, nearly tripping over Mabel on the steps, but nevertheless making a reasonably elegant exit.
‘Bridget!’ roared Mr Wallaker suddenly, as if I was one of the boys. I turned, startled. He had never called me Bridget before.
‘Haven’t you forgotten something?’
I stared at him blankly.
‘Billy?’ He turned to Billy who was trotting up, looking at Mr Wallaker with a conspiratorial grin. They both looked at me, smirking.
‘She even forgets to get up sometimes,’ said Billy.
‘I bet,’ said Mr Wallaker.
‘Come along, children!’ I said, trying to regain my dignity.
‘Yeth, Mother,’ said Mabel with an unmistakable dollop of irony which was, frankly, annoying in one so small.
‘Thank you, Daughter,’ I said smoothly. ‘Hurry along! Goodbye, Mr Wallaker.’
When we got home, Billy and I slumped on the sofa as Mabel played happily with her sexual health leaflets.
‘I got rubbish marks for my homework,’ said Billy.
‘I got rubbish marks for my screenwriting.’
I showed him the email about the ‘proper screenwriter’. Billy handed me his art book with his colouring of Ganesha the Elephant God and the teacher’s notes:
‘I like your mix of yellow, green and red on his head. However, I am not sure that the multicoloured ears quite work.’
We stared at each other dolefully, then both started giggling.
‘Shall we have an oatmeal cookie?’ I said.
We got through the whole packet, but it’s just like eating muesli, right?
OVERSTUFFED LIVES
Wednesday 5 June 2013
134lb, hours in day 24, hours required to do all things supposed to do in day 36, hours spent worrying about how to fit in all things supposed to do in day 4, number of things supposed to have done actually done 1 (go to toilet).
2 p.m.
LIST OF JOBS
*Put washing on
*Respond to Zombie Apocalypse invite
*Call Brian Katzenberg about the Ambergris Bilk email
*Blow up bike
*Grated cheese
*Figure out weekend: Saturday afternoon is Atticus’s African drumming party for Billy but Bikram’s mum says she will do pickup or drop-off if we do the other, then Cosmata’s Build-A-Bear party for Mabel on Sun at the same time as Billy’s football. Figure out who is going to pick kids up from which party with Jeremiah’s mum and Cosmata’s mum and also ask Jeremiah’s mum if Jeremiah wants to come to football.
*Call Mum (my mum)
*Call Grazina and see if she can fill in gaps at weekend, then check trains to Eastbourne
*Figure out what to do re Roxster mini-break
*Find bank card
*Find Virgin remote
*Find telephone
*Lose 3lb
*Respond to mass emails re Sports Day vegetables
*Find out if still supposed to go to Greenlight meeting tomorrow
*Greek or Roman myth party/photo
*Half-leg and bikini wax in case mini-break still on
*‘Ic’ Suffix Family ‘crest’
*Core Stability
*Fill in form about Billy’s bassoon lessons and take to school
*Find bassoon form
*Toilet light bulb
*Exercise on exercise bike (clearly this is not going to happen)
*Send back Net-a-Porter dress that didn’t wear for Talitha’s party