“Whatever they told you about him, it’s true. He had the purest of hearts. So pure that it was easy to wound and hurt. When we were children, Ma used to say we were each other’s shadows. Where I went, Patrick was never far behind. Maybe it was because Patrick and I already had a strong brotherly connection before Shay and Iris were born, or maybe it was due to the fact that we were closer in age than we were with our other brother and sister. Whatever the reason, we were more than just brothers. He was my best friend. Where I was cocky and hard, he was humble and kind. Opposites in every way, yet we never fought. Never said one mean thing to the other.”
Rosa’s breathing begins to slow down so as to not miss a single word, completely enthralled by my story.
“But once we became teenagers, we started to drift apart. I was so hungry to do my part in the Mafia Wars, help Athair fight the enemies that wanted to see us buried ten feet under, that I badgered my father until he relented and let me fight. I made my first kill just days shy of my fifteenth birthday. It was one of the proudest moments of my life, but Patrick didn’t speak to me for a full month when he found out what I had done. He couldn’t understand how I could condone taking a life in any capacity. He said there was no honor to be found if my actions spilled even one drop of innocent blood. That someone needed to be brave enough to put old feuds aside. That was the only way we could ever guarantee our family’s survival. And for me to pick up a gun and knife and intentionally steal any life was a sin in his book. My brother spoke passionately of peace, while my heart burned only for vengeance.”
I let out a long exhale, thinking about how many times I called him na?ve. That this feud between the families would never cease until one family ruled them all. And I was determined that it’d be us.
“As the years passed by and I got more involved in protecting our family, making a name for myself on the streets, my brother became more withdrawn from me. From all of us. The war at that time was taking lives, left and right. Each name in the obituary section was either an acquaintance, friend, or loved one. Not a week went by that there wasn’t a funeral to attend, and Patrick made sure he went to each one to pay his respects. I could see my brother’s soul slowly being ripped out of his chest with each eulogy he heard, each pint of Guinness he drank in honor of the fallen. He began walking around the house like he was a ghost, not making a sound, too afraid we would tell him another one of his friends had perished in the war. It got so bad that Athair sent him away to Ireland, hoping that fresh air and countryside living would bring back the good-natured son he loved so much.”
“But… the fire,” Rosa gasps, her eyes wide in alarm.
“Aye. The fire,” I repeat sullenly, thankful Colin gave her the details of how his family died that night and spared me going into them now.
Guilt twists my heart and gives it an infernal tug at the memory of picking up Colin and Patrick at the airport. My cousin was eager to stand at my side and burn all our enemies to the ground for what they took from him. But my brother? He was more lost to us than he had been when he left on his trip.
“I was the one they’d wanted. It was because of me and my fucking pride in wanting to rise up the ranks of my father’s kingdom and let the world know not to fuck with us Kellys that Colin’s family paid the price for my ambition. Though my cousin never once put the blame on my doorstep, Patrick wasn’t as forgiving.”
When Rosa places a comforting hand over my heart, I cover it with mine, locking our fingers together, hoping her silent strength will give me the courage to continue.
“After that, I couldn’t get through to him. He didn’t want anything to do with me or our family. And in doing so, he felt more alone than he had ever been before. Too afraid to reach out to anyone for help, fearing that sooner or later the war would take them away from him, too. So he searched for an escape, any relief that could ease his suffering, and the one he found sealed his fate.”
As if reading my thoughts and what I’m about to say next, Rosa tries to pull her hand away from mine, but I keep my hold on her, not wanting to let her go. Not again. Not ever.
“I have no idea who sold him his first eight-ball or how Patrick even knew where to get it. If I did, then I would have taken my time in killing them. I would make sure to inflict the same pain on them as we suffered watching my beloved brother become a soulless zombie right in front of our eyes. Athair sent him to every rehab in the state, but those never worked. Patrick would stay clean for a month or two there, but all it took was him coming home for him to start using again.”
“It was my family’s poison that killed him in the end, wasn’t it?” she whispers in anguish.
“My brother’s veins had been polluted with my hate and cold venom long before your family’s drugs played a role in his life. At the time I didn’t see that, but now I know we are as much to blame for what happened to him as the heroin that he used to ease his misery. The worst part in all of this, was that he was right. Patrick saw the writing on the wall before any of us did. Even as a child, he knew that peace was the only way to prevent our extinction. Maybe if one of us had taken the time to hear him out, we would have come to the same conclusion and saved us all a mountain of regret.”
I turn to my love and see her eyes water, suffering the same pain I went through all those years ago. Like Patrick, Rosa feels everything. Every nasty word. Every horrible cut. But where I failed my brother, I refuse to fail my wife.
Ironic how life brought the means of a ceasefire to us and handed me a second chance to do right by the person I loved. Maybe there is a God out there after all. It’s the only explanation I can come up with for the treaty to have been fulfilled after years of struggle and hardship. It’s also the only way I can explain Rosa coming into my life. It’s almost as if the universe knew the aching need inside me to make right the mistakes of the past. What isn’t surprising is how long it took me to realize the gift I’d been given.
Better late than never, I suppose.
I just hope my love is of the same mindset.