He looked at the tree shade outside and she came across the room and sat on the arm of his chair.
I was worrying about you, he said. That’s what it is.
What are you worried about? If I’ll manage the store?
No. Hell. You will or you won’t. That’s not worth worrying about anymore. It’ll happen or it won’t.
What is it then?
He looked up at her face. I just was wanting you to tell me if you was happy or not. I’d like to know that before I’m gone out of here.
She rose and drew a chair close to him, facing him, and took one of his hands. No, she said. I’m not happy. If you want to know. Can I tell you that even now?
If that’s what the truth is.
It is. Since Lanie died. I never have been what you’d call truly happy.
You don’t get over it, do you. When a child goes. You never do.
I think about how we would be now. I want to talk to her. I want there to be long talks between my daughter and me. I have things I want to tell her. That boy that drove the car and killed her, I could do something terrible to him right now today. I swear I could.
Her eyes were shiny. Dad squeezed her hand and they sat quietly, both of them looking at the tree outside the window.
After a while he said, So what about this Richard?
I don’t know, Daddy. He’s okay. He’s just wants to have a good time, go out drinking and take me to bed afterward.
I don’t have to hear that part of it.
You asked.
Well, are you in love?
No. There’s no one that way. I don’t know if I’ll ever find that kind. I’m too torn up inside.
I was hoping this morning you’d tell me you was happy.
I’m sorry, Daddy.
I’m sorry too. For you, I mean.
What about you?
Well, yeah, I been happy. Sure. Except for the one thing.
Frank.
Yes.
I know more about that than you think.
I figure you know a lot, Dad said.
I know what happened here with you. And other things that happened in town.
He told you.
Yes. A long time ago.
21
THE HIGH SCHOOL GIRL drove up to the house after dark. He was watching for her as always from the front room of the parsonage, his father and mother were back in the kitchen and didn’t say anything to him anymore when he left the house. He went out across the porch to the car and got in beside her. She looked no different than she had the other nights, still dressed in black with the red lipstick dark on her mouth. He wouldn’t have been able to tell that something was going to happen.
They drove for an hour up and down Main Street and along the residential streets of town and then turned out north on the highway. The farm lights were lit up in the night, the headlights of her car bright on the narrow highway ahead of them. Then she headed the car off on a gravel road and he sat looking at her with the air coming in through the open window, her music playing, she wasn’t talking very much but sometimes she didn’t, then before they got to the place where they had parked once or twice before under a cottonwood tree she stopped the car and reached and turned off the music and they sat in the road with the engine running.
What are we doing? he said. Somebody could hit us here.
She was staring ahead over the steering wheel. I’ve decided it’s time to stop this.
What? Why?
School’s starting next month.
I know. But we can go on after classes start.
No. I’m going to have to work more than I ever have before, to get into a good college.
She wouldn’t look at him. The headlights shone very brightly out ahead of the car on the gravel.
I don’t understand what you mean, he said.
There’s nothing to understand. Just accept it. We had a good time and now we’re done. This is the last night.
You can’t just do this, he said.
Of course I can.
No you can’t. What about me, what I want?
I’m the one who started it, she said. Not you. So I’m the one who ends it.
It’s two of us here now. Not just you.
You’re such a child. She looked at him for a moment. Just a little boy.
I’m only two years younger than you.