/
After dinner Felix went outside to smoke, and Eileen went upstairs to make a phone call. In the kitchen Simon and Alice washed the dishes together. Through the window over the sink Felix’s slim small figure was now and then visible as he wandered around the darkening garden. The lit tip of his cigarette. Alice watched for the sight of him while she dried the dishes with a chequered tea towel and stacked them away in the cupboards. When Simon asked her how her work was going, she shook her head. Oh, I can’t talk about that, she said. It’s secret. No, I’m retired. I don’t write books anymore.
He handed her the damp dripping salad bowl and she patted at it with her tea towel. I find that hard to believe, he said. Felix was no longer visible out the window then, he had gone around the other side of the house, or further back among the trees. You’ll have to believe it, she said. I’m burned out. I only had two good ideas. No, it was too painful anyway. And I’m rich now, you know. I think I’m richer than you are. Leaving the salad tongs down on the wire rack beside the sink, Simon said: I’ll bet. Alice put the bowl away and closed the cupboard door again. I paid off my mother’s mortgage last year, she said. Did I tell you that? I have so much money I just do things kind of randomly. I will do other things, I have plans, but I’m very disorganised. Simon looked at her but she looked away, taking the salad tongs off the rack, wrapping them up in the tea towel to dry them. That was generous of you, he said. She was embarrassed. Yes, well, I’m only telling you so you’ll think I’m a good person, she said. You know I long for your approval. She dropped the tongs into the cutlery drawer. I approve of you
completely, he said. Her shoulders jolted up, and she replied, half-joking: Oh no, I’m not to be completely approved of. But you can approve of me a little bit. He was silent for a moment, wiping down a roasting dish with the sponge. Restless now, she glanced out the window again and saw nothing. The light fading. Silhouettes of trees. Anyway, she isn’t speaking to me anymore, she said. Neither of them are. Simon paused, and then put the dish down on the rack. Your mother and your brother, he said. She took the dish up and started dabbing at it with the towel, quick hard little dabs, saying: Or I’m not speaking to them, I can’t remember which. We had a falling-out when I was in hospital. You know they’re living together again now. He had let the sponge float down through the dishwater to the base of the sink. I’m sorry, he said. That sounds miserable.
She gave a raw laugh, scalding her throat, and went on dabbing at the roasting dish. The sad thing is, I feel better when I don’t have to see them, she said. It’s not very Christian, I know. I hope they’re happy. But I prefer to be with people who like me. She could feel him watching her as she bent down and thrust the roasting dish noisily into the back of a cupboard. I don’t think that’s un-Christian, he said. She gave another trembling laugh.
Oh, what a nice thing to say, she replied. Thank you. I feel much better. He retrieved the sponge from the bottom of the sink. And how are you? she asked. He smiled down at the dishwater, a resigned smile. I’m alright, he said. She went on watching him.
Glancing at her he said humorously: What? She raised her eyebrows, innocuous. I’m not sure what the story is, she said. I mean, with you and Eileen. At that he returned his attention to the sink. Join the club, he answered. She was twisting the tea towel thoughtfully between her hands. But you’re just friends now, she said. He was nodding his head, dropping a spatula on the drying rack, answering yes. And you’re happy, she went on. Finally he gave a laugh. I wouldn’t go that far, he said. No, it’s the old life of
quiet desperation for me, I’m afraid. The back door opened and Felix came inside, stamping his shoes on the mat, closing the door behind him. Beautiful evening out there, he said. And overhead the creak of footsteps, Eileen’s soft tread down the stairs.
Alice folded the damp wilted tea towel in her hands. They had all come to see her. For this reason they were all in her house, for no other reason, and now that they were here it did not matter much what they did or said. Felix asking Simon if he had ever been a smoker. No, I didn’t think so. Too healthy-looking. And I’d say you drink a lot of water as well, do you? Conversation and laughter, these were just pleasant arrangements of sounds in the air. Eileen in the doorway and Alice getting up to pour her another glass of wine, to ask her about work. She had come to see her, they were together again, it did not matter much now what they said or did.
/
A little after one in the morning they went upstairs to bed. Lights switched on and off again, the noises of taps running, cisterns refilling, doors opened and closed. Alice let the blind down in her room while Felix sat on the side of the bed. She came to him and he started to unbutton her dress. I’m sorry, he said. She put her hand on his head, smoothing his hair back. Why are you saying that? she asked. Because we had a fight?
He exhaled slowly and for a moment said nothing. It wasn’t really a fight, though, was it? he said. I don’t mind. You can call it that if you want. It won’t happen again, whatever it was. Sadly she went on looking down at him a little longer, and then she turned away and finished unbuttoning her dress. Are you giving up on me? she asked.
He watched her slip the dress from her shoulders and drop it into the laundry basket. Ah no, he said. I’m just going to try being nice to you for a while. Unhooking her bra, she let out a high laugh. I might not like that, she answered. He got onto the bed then,