A few minutes down the road, he pulled off into a flat gravel area overlooking the sea.
A wooden visitor centre at the entrance was closed up and no other cars were nearby. At one end a large yellow posterboard displayed information of historical and geographical interest. Felix parked at the outermost edge of the lot, the Atlantic stretching grey and rough outside the windshield. He unbuckled his seatbelt and unzipped the black puffer jacket he was wearing, revealing a faded-green sweatshirt underneath, with a small white embroidered logo. He took his phone out of his pocket, switched it on, and then opened the glovebox and started to roll himself a joint. The phone made various buzzing noises, receiving messages which had come in while he was at work, and his eyes flicked back and forth between the screen in his lap and the rolling paper on the steering wheel. When he was finished, he held the unlit joint in his mouth and scrolled through the messages and notifications on-screen: various social media alerts and app notifications, and one direct text message, from his brother Damian.
Damian: What time are you off tonight? You can come over here or I can bring everything over to yours if it suits better, let me know
Felix reclined the driver’s seat, looked up at the fuzzy grey interior of the car ceiling, and sparked his lighter. For a moment he closed his eyes, inhaling, and then he lifted his phone and opened the message thread. The previous text was one Felix had sent yesterday, reading: Off work tmr night, will call u. Before that were several missed call notifications from Damian. Ten days previously, a text from Felix read: Hey sorry no im away. He stared at the thread blankly and then closed it. For a while, taking long drags and exhaling slowly, he scrolled through his other notifications, dismissing or checking them as he went along. He had received one new message through a dating app, which he opened up on-screen.
Patrick: you around tonight?
Felix tapped on the name ‘Patrick’ and flicked through the uploaded photographs. In one image, a group of men posed at a social event with their arms around one another’s shoulders. In another, a bearded man knelt by a body of water holding an enormous fish, its body mottled and iridescent under sunlight. Felix went back to the message and typed in the reply field: Might be, whats up? Without hitting send, he returned to the message he had received from his brother. He locked his phone then and went on smoking and listening to music. At times he hummed or sang along absent-mindedly, his voice light and pleasant. Outside, rain started to drum on the windshield.
At five to eight, he flicked his stub out the window and reversed out of the car park. His eyes were a little glassy now. Approaching the village, he hit the indicator, and then picked his phone up off the dashboard and squinted at it again. There were no new messages. For no apparent reason, he switched off his indicator light and continued driving straight. A car behind him beeped its horn and Felix murmured peaceably: Yeah, alright, fuck off. He kept one hand on the steering wheel and used the other to make a phone call.
After two rings, a voice answered: Hello?
You at home? said Felix.
In my house? Yes.
Busy?
No, not at all. Why?
I’m just out of work, he said. Thought I might swing by and see you if you’re around.
What do you think?
Well, I’m certainly around. I’m right here.
Be there in a minute, then, said Felix.
He hung up and dropped his phone noiselessly onto the passenger seat. After a few more minutes on the road, a large white house appeared on the left, and he hit the indicator once again.
It was still raining when he rang the bell. Alice came out to the door wearing a woollen jumper over a dark skirt. Her feet were bare. She had her arms crossed over her chest, and then she uncrossed them. Felix stood looking at her, put a hand in his pocket and slightly closed one eye as if he was having trouble focusing.
Hey, he said. Am I disturbing you?
Not remotely. Would you like to come in?
Seeing as I’m here, I suppose.
He followed her inside, closing the door. She went through to the living room, a large space, painted red, with an open fire in the hearth. Facing the fire was a couch, laden with throws and cushions in various colours. On the coffee table a book was splayed open, pages down, next to a hot cup of tea. Felix stopped inside the doorway as Alice walked in.
All looks very cosy, he said.
She leaned against the couch, crossing her arms again.
What are you up to, reading? he asked.
Yes, I was.
I hope I’m not disturbing you.
You said that already, she said. And I told you you’re not.
For a moment neither said anything further. Felix looked down at the fawn-coloured carpet, or at his own shoes.
I haven’t heard from you in a while, she said then.
Apparently unsurprised, he continued to study the carpet. Yeah, he answered.
She said nothing. After a moment he flicked a quick glance up at her.
Are you annoyed? he asked.
I’m not annoyed, no. I have been feeling confused. Honestly, I assumed you didn’t want to see me anymore. I was wondering if I’d done something wrong.
He frowned. Ah no, he said. You didn’t do anything. Look, you’re right, I was conscious the days had gone by a bit.
She nodded, inexpressive.
Do you want me to go? he said.
She moved her mouth around uncertainly for a moment. I’m not sure what’s going on exactly, she said. But then maybe that’s my fault.
He appeared to give this some thought, or perhaps made a show of doing so. Well, I wouldn’t say it’s your fault only, he said. I know what you mean by it. I think the fault is shared. I’m not really looking for any big commitments in my life at the moment, if I’m honest.
I see.
Yeah, he said. And what with the whole trip to Italy, I thought, you know. Maybe best to take it a bit more casually after that.
Right.
He rocked back a little on his heels. Alright so, he said. I’ll go, then, will I?