Wings of the Wicked

20





I HAD BEEN EXPECTING THE STARES. THE WHISPERS. The coldness. No one at school knew how to handle this any better than I did. I walked sluggishly through the hall, keeping my eyes up and ahead—no way would I stare at the floor like a coward—hugging my books to my chest. I knew what they all saw when they stared at me, because I’d had the misfortune of passing by the bathroom mirror despite my attempts to avoid it. They all saw the dark circles the concealer couldn’t hide under my eyes, that my hair was dull and flat and had lost most of its shine, that I was thinner because I hadn’t been eating.

In my literature class I stared at the blank page of my open notebook as my classmates scribbled furiously. I couldn’t concentrate when my mind kept revisiting the explosion of memories my amnesia no longer blocked. The assignment was to write a one-page essay on where we saw ourselves five years from now. No doubt everyone wrote down how they would be graduating college, starting careers, maybe getting engaged, and some would already have had a baby or two. Me—I saw myself dead in five years. Maybe five months. Maybe five days.

When the final bell rang, I stopped by Kate’s locker to say good-bye.

“Why don’t you come over to my place?” she offered with a concerned look. “We could not-study for the psych quiz tomorrow.”

I sighed and leaned my head against the locker next to hers. “Maybe tomorrow. I’m a little exhausted, and Nana wants me home for dinner.”

She smiled cautiously, and I was grateful that she didn’t argue with me. “How about we hit up the bowling alley for a couple hours after school tomorrow?”

“That’d be fun,” I said. I knew I needed to force myself to get out and do something besides go to school and hang out at Nana’s.

“Does that mean you’re coming?” she asked with a hopeful lilt to her voice, raising her eyebrows.

“Yeah,” I said. “I’ll go.”

She played with a lock of my hair. “You’ll let me know if you’re not okay, right?”

I chewed on my bottom lip. “I’m as okay as I can be. Got to move on with my life, you know?”

“Yeah.” She studied me with her cool blue eyes.

I hoisted my backpack higher on my shoulder. “See you tomorrow morning?”

She smiled. “Of course. You know I’m here for you. We’ll have plenty of time to talk.”

A sickness flooded my heart. If only I could tell her everything. I wanted so badly to talk to her, to tell her everything, because I needed to talk to someone. I needed to talk to Kate. I needed her.

I turned my face away and rubbed my eye before she saw the tears that budded. “Yeah. I’ll see you tomorrow.”

Before she could respond, I was marching briskly down the hall, leaving her at her locker. When I burst through the doors to the student parking lot, I saw the last person I wanted to see in the entire world leaning against the grill of my car. I rubbed away the tears that threatened to give away my feelings as I approached, feeling the curious eyes of other people around the parking lot.

“What are you doing here?” I asked, my voice sharper than I’d intended it to be.

The green of Will’s eyes had been placid but troubled, and then they flashed, as if my words had stung him. He looked down briefly. “I wanted to make sure your day went all right. That you’re all right.”

I walked right past him to the driver’s side door. “I’m alive, aren’t I?”

He followed me. “I don’t want to fight.”

I realized then that we hadn’t spoken for days, which was strange for me. It seemed like I saw him every single day. I was so used to his presence near me, all around me, and even when I was furious with him, I noticed his absence. I missed him. I missed him even now, when he was standing only two feet away from me. But I was still too mad to give in to the effect he had on me.

“Please just hear me out,” Will pleaded.

I opened my mouth to interject, but he spoke again quickly.

“I did what I had to do. I know you don’t understand that now, and I don’t expect you to. Ellie, I’m sorry that I hurt you.” He reached out a hand to touch my face, his fingers warm in the bitter cold air. “You know I’d never hurt you on purpose.”

I closed my eyes at his touch and swallowed shakily. “Regardless of your intentions,” I said slowly, “you still hurt me. And I’m not ready to forgive you yet.”

He took my hand and lifted it to his mouth. His lips kissed my palm, and wings fluttered through my insides. He looked down at my hand for just a moment before returning my gaze painfully. “Please, please forgive me. I can’t bear the way you look at me now.”

I pulled away. “Let’s talk in the car.”

After I sat down and he climbed into the passenger seat, we fell into an awkward silence.

“She was going to divorce him,” I confessed. “She was going to get out, be safe. But we were too late. I was too late to save her.”

“Don’t blame yourself.” His voice was a whisper.

I frowned and swallowed. “It doesn’t matter that you and everyone else keep saying that. I’ll feel like this no matter what.”

“I know,” he said. “But it isn’t your fault.”

If I continued to argue with him, I would only get angry, and I was desperate not to get mad at him anymore. I was tired of fighting with him.

“You understand why I did it, right?” he asked in a small voice.

He didn’t elaborate, but I knew what he was talking about. “There had to be something else you could have done,” I said.

“There may have been,” he admitted. “I don’t deny the possibility of it. But Nathaniel and I made a decision. The reaper said he killed your father years ago, and we don’t have a body for the police to find. Your father would have been a suspect anyway. This was the most logical and safest solution for you.”

I glared at him. “My real dad was a good man, Will. He is a victim in this, and now the whole world thinks he’s a monster. He was never a monster. A monster is what killed him, and now my family and I will have to live with this lie for the rest of our lives!”

I took a deep breath to erase the anger from my voice. “I’m sorry that I hurt you. I never wanted to hurt you or Nathaniel. I didn’t know that it was you trying to hold me back.”

“You weren’t trying to kill me,” Will said. “You were defending yourself and your mother.”

“Whether I tried to kill you or not, I almost did. I can’t let that happen again. I feel like every slightest emotion that I have is about to send me over the edge. Everything is so magnified. I can’t handle myself. I’m dangerous, and you know it.”

“You can handle this.”

“I heard you guys talking when Nathaniel had me under. That I’d never gotten that bad before. That my … eyes had changed. Nathaniel said that I—Gabriel—knew that if I became dangerous—”

“No.”

“—that you would have to—”

“Ellie, that’s out of the question.”

“But I’ll come back,” I assured him. “You are the only one who is strong enough to defend yourself against me. If I might hurt someone else, someone who isn’t as strong as you, then this may be the only answer.”

“No,” he repeated firmly, his jaw clenching as he shook his head and shifted uncomfortably in his seat. “No. I won’t. Not ever.”

“You may not have a choice.”

“You can’t ask me to do that. Ask me anything else, anything but that. I would let you kill me first.”

I watched him sadly, unable to think about losing him, no matter how angry I was or how much my heart hurt. Every one of my Guardians before Will had been killed in battle, and now I remembered each one of their deaths like a knife to my heart.

“Something happened to me that night that I didn’t tell you about,” I said, my voice breaking. “When I lost it, everything came rushing back to me all at once. I remember everything. I’ve spent five hundred years with you, and I remember them all.”

He laid his hand over mine and held it. I forced myself to take back my hand, but the movement was unbearably difficult. Bastian’s face flashed across my mind, and then Merodach and Kelaeno invaded behind him. I couldn’t face them without Will. I couldn’t save the world on my own.

“I’m going out with Kate tomorrow,” I said. “Afterward we will go patrolling. But I need to feel happy at least once before I launch into Terminator mode and go after Bastian. I’m going to kill them all.”

“I’ll never leave your side.”

“I need you there. But I need you to be just my Guardian right now. Nothing more.”

“Anything for you.”

I looked over to where he sat, but he had vanished.

Just after six the next evening, I stared into the bathroom mirror. My phone sat untouched next to my hand on the counter, waiting for me to call Kate. I could pull this off tonight. Nobody would be paying attention to me. No one even cared.

There was a soft knock on the door.

“Come in,” I called.

Nana emerged with Bluebelle on her heels. The cat made an ugly meow as he darted through the door. Once in the bathroom, he gave an irritated shake and sauntered around, as if surveying his territory. He started toward me to rub against my leg, but I didn’t reach for him. I knew it would have been a better idea—and possibly less painful—to hug a cactus than to touch Bluebelle.

“How are you doing, honey?” Nana asked, her voice gentle and her gaze studying my face. “Since you’re likely not putting on that mascara just to go to bed, I’m assuming you’re still meeting your friends at the bowling alley.”

I pulled my blush compact and powder brush out of my makeup bag, holding the items hesitantly between my fingers. “Yeah. As long as it’s okay with you.”

Her eyes met mine in the mirror. “I’m glad you’re going. You need to get out and be yourself again.”

And that was just it. I didn’t know who I was anymore. I was Ellie, but I was also Gabriel. How was I supposed to be myself when I was two completely different people in one body? “Everyone keeps telling me that.”

“That’s because they love you.”

Because they love me. “Nana, do you think Papa would ever have done something bad to protect you? Because he loved you?”

Her gaze in the mirror flashed with curiosity but turned sympathetic in the next moment. “Your grandfather would have done anything for me. And I would have done anything for him.”

I looked down at the powder brush still in my hand. Bluebelle rubbed his fat belly up against my leg. “Even if it was something wrong?”

When I looked back up, the suspicion had returned to her eyes. “Is there something you want to talk to me about, Ellie?”

“Not specifically,” I lied. I had to force myself not to spill my guts right then and there about everything I knew about my parents’ fates.

“I think it depends on the kind of wrong,” she said when I didn’t elaborate. “If he had to hurt someone else to protect me, then no. I wouldn’t want anyone to suffer for me.”

I swallowed. “But if he had hurt someone who isn’t around anymore to be affected by it, would you have forgiven him?”

“Are we still talking about Papa?”

I didn’t respond, but that was as clear a no to Nana as anything.

She sighed. “It sounds like you need to figure out if whatever happened was really so terrible. Some things we have to do because they’re necessary, and not because they’re anything we want to do. Life is difficult, and sometimes we must make difficult decisions to protect the ones we love.”

I stared at my reflection. Deep down, beneath everything in me that wanted to stay furious with Will, I knew my grandmother was right. I turned to my makeup again and began to dust blush over my cheeks. Nana smiled at me in the mirror.

“Thanks,” I said, and returned her smile weakly.

“Of course, baby. What time will you be home tonight? Don’t forget you have school tomorrow.”

“I’ll be back before nine.”

“Have a good time, then,” she said.

“Thanks, Nana.”

“And,” she started, making a thoughtful pause before continuing, “whatever happened … some paths are easier to take, but they may not always be the right ones. Why don’t you consider the alternative: What would have happened if this bad thing was never done? Some bad things may be the right things in the end. Maybe you can forgive him then.”

She winked at me before leaving the bathroom. I listened to her slow descent down the stairs, considering her words. I picked up my phone to call Kate.

Will emerged from the Grim and stood next to my car as I walked out the front door. He wore a dark green wool pullover that made the green of his eyes appear even more unnatural. I caught myself staring into them for longer than I should have.

“I don’t have to come if you don’t want me to,” he said as we climbed into my car.

“You’re my Guardian.” I started the engine, and the car rolled down the driveway. “You need to be wherever I am.”

He was silent for some time, staring out the windshield. “Do you want me to be here?”

“Not really,” I replied slowly, forcing the honest answer out of myself. “But I’m trying.”

He glanced at me sidelong, tilting his head just slightly. “I don’t want you to be unhappy. As soon as you get uncomfortable, let me know. I’ll get you out of there.”

I stifled a laugh. “It’s as if you’re expecting a fight at the bowling alley.”

“You know what I mean,” he said quietly.

I did know what he meant. There would be other kids there who weren’t my friends and didn’t care if they hurt my feelings by staring at me or talking about me. But I refused to let them bother me. I took a deep breath and mumbled, “Thanks.”

He took my barely audible response as a sign that I didn’t want to talk anymore. When we arrived at the bowling alley, my nerves were screaming at me, spinning around a thousand miles an hour through my gut, and my hands trembled as I removed the key from the ignition and touched the door handle.

“You’re uncomfortable already,” Will observed, watching me carefully.

I scowled at him. “I’m fine. I have to do this.”

“No, you don’t.”

I pushed the door open. “Yes, I do,” I said as I climbed out.

He made an unintelligible grunt as he followed me into the building, but I tried to ignore it. Inside, Kate tackled me and squeezed me quite literally until I was strangling. A stream of inarticulate noises escaped me as she wrung me from side to side.

“Kate—can’t breathe.”

She released me, and I sucked in all the air that would fit in my lungs. She was grinning ear to ear and practically dancing with excitement. “I’m so happy you came!”

“Oh, my God, calm down,” I said. “You saw me like four hours ago.”

She shrugged dismissively. “Yeah, but I wasn’t sure you’d come out. And you brought Will!” She grabbed his arm and yanked him into a hug. When she pulled away, she gave Will a stern look and shook a finger in his face. “You’d better be good to her.”

He offered her a warm smile. “I try.”

“Good,” Kate said sharply, and turned to me, grabbing my hand. “Let’s go have some fun. Everyone is waiting for you.”

She pulled me toward the crowd of people surrounding one of the lanes. The rest of my friends were scattered around as Rachel rolled a gutter ball. Her boyfriend, Evan, pulled her into a hug as she pouted, and he planted a smooch on her cheek. I picked a purple bowling ball and tried it out. To my surprise, I didn’t do that badly. After I finished my turn, I watched—chomping on the inside of my cheek to stop myself from laughing—as Kate forced Will to try. He held the ball awkwardly as if he’d never done it before.

“Gently!” I called to him as I sat down on a bench. If he rolled the ball with his normal strength, he’d put a hole in the floor and possibly the wall—and possibly through someone’s body.

Gutter ball. I wasn’t shocked. Bowling wasn’t something I’d expect to be within Will’s expertise. Mixed martial arts, sword fighting, video games, getting impaled, kissing—all those were things Will was superb at. Bowling? Well … everyone had their limits.

“You’ll do better next time,” Kate assured him with a look of pity.

He shrugged and sat beside me. When he grinned at me, I felt a rush of happiness. The wool of his sweater was warm as his sleeve brushed against mine, and my heart swelled. I appreciated so, so much how hard he was trying. Bowling with my friends. It was so stupid. And still he was here. After everything that had happened.

“Dude,” Landon said as he appeared in front of us with his arms crossed over his chest. He stared down at Will incredulously. “You’re as bad as Rachel, and believe me, that’s a feat.”

Will’s expression was impassive. “Sorry. I’ve never been bowling before.”

Landon scoffed. “Are you serious? Everyone in America has bowled at least once in their lives.”

Will shrugged and his mouth flattened. “Never got around to it, I guess.”

“Do you want me to show you how to roll the ball and not look like a freak?”

Will blinked at Landon. He seemed to weigh Landon’s offer for a moment before looking at me. I gave him a small smile of reassurance.

“Okay then,” Will said. He got up and allowed Landon to teach him how to hold the ball and roll it. After some direction, Will knocked down four pins.

“All right!” Landon shouted, and raised a hand for a high five from Will. Will just stared at him, and I laughed. Then slowly, tentatively, he raised his own hand, and Landon slapped it.

Then Will flinched, the same instant I felt a rush of power and emotion burst into the building like a flood breaking a dam. Ava and Sabina. Their hair was windblown and their cheeks were flushed as if they’d just flown through the Grim. Sabina cradled her arm to her chest. When Ava’s blue-violet eyes settled on us, she marched toward a dark corner of the building and waved us over. She and Sabina looked nervous.

“What’s wrong?” Will asked, his brow dark and furrowed with concern.

Ava put her hands on her hips, and she paced back and forth. “We crossed paths with Merodach and Kelaeno. Sabina was wounded.”

My hand covered my mouth. “Are you all right?”

Sabina gritted her teeth. “I’m healing. My arm was shattered. Kelaeno is so strong and Merodach—it’s as if he feels no pain. He just keeps coming.”

I noticed slashes in Ava’s zipped-up leather jacket—slits that weren’t intentional, like the ones on her back that were for her wings. Still-damp blood darkened the fabric beneath her jacket. “Are you okay, Ava?”

She gave me a fleeting, flippant glance. “I’m fine. Just tired.”

“What happened exactly?” Will asked with an edge of authority to his voice. He had transformed into all-business Will.

“We were ambushed,” Ava explained. “They made it clear they were looking for you, Ellie.”

My blood ran cold, and Will’s gentle hand on my back did little to reassure me. So Merodach and Kelaeno were collecting me next. “Does this mean they’ve found whatever else they need?”

Sabina exchanged a look with Ava. “I assume so.”

I looked at Will, panic pulsing through me. “What do we do?”

He frowned. “I don’t want you to worry about it. You don’t need any more stress right now.”

I almost laughed. “I have two demonic reapers, both thousands of years old, hunting me, at the moment. This is a slightly different situation than Ragnuk trying to kill me. How can I not worry about it?”

He reached for me again. “Ellie—”

Panic shot through me, and I needed to get away from the reapers. I stepped out of his reach and started back to the lane my friends surrounded. “I’m fine. Just … leave me alone for a minute.”

I heard his fist slam the wall behind me, but I didn’t turn around. When I returned to my friends, Chris put a hand on my shoulder, looking past me to Ava and Sabina.

“Who are they?” he asked, his brown eyes wide. “Are they Will’s friends?”

I eyed him suspiciously. “Yeah. Why?”

“They are smoking hot.”

Not again. What was with my friends and these reapers? “They’re lesbians,” I lied. “Don’t bother.”

Chris grinned stupidly. “Nice.”

I rolled my eyes and looked over my shoulder at the reapers. Will was speaking rapidly to Ava as Sabina stood silently, but judging by the frustration on his face and the sad look in Ava’s eyes, I guessed the subject matter was no longer Merodach and Kelaeno, but me.

The demonic reapers were after me now. I’d killed the nycterids employed by Bastian, and now he was sending his worst after me, just like Cadan had said would happen. I had known my family was in danger, but I was too selfish to do anything about it or to miss out on my stupid social life. All I had left now were my friends, and here I was, perfectly aware that I was in danger and that, by being around them, I put them in danger.

I looked around me at my friends’ smiling, laughing faces as I leaned heavily against the short wall holding all the bowling balls. I didn’t even know what I was doing here. Grabbing my purse, I went up to the shoe rental and returned the bowling shoes for my sneakers. As I walked away, I bit back a sob and a pang of nausea in my gut. The nausea became overwhelming, and I hurried to the restroom, determined not to throw up in front of everyone. I burst in and threw myself into a stall and locked the door behind me. Instead of getting sick, I sat down on the seat and buried my face in my hands. I took long, deep breaths, trying not to cry.

I didn’t want to hurt any more people I loved. I was a target and anywhere I was could potentially be ground zero for a battle. If only I—

The restroom door opened, and voices and footsteps echoed off the walls. They rustled around and stopped in front of the sinks.

“A nutjob for sure,” one girl exclaimed.

A second girl laughed. “How do you know? Have you even talked to her once?”

“Well, her dad killed her mom,” the first girl said. “So the crazy has got to be genetic.”

I swallowed hard and felt an icy rush as the blood drained from my face. My pulse hammered through my skull.

“Is that seriously what happened?” a third girl asked incredulously.

“Oh, yeah. My uncle is a cop, and they’re looking for the dad. He says they’ve been talking to the FBI. It’s that serious.”

The second girl loosed a long whistle. “Wow.”

“What was her name again? Emily something?”

“Ellie Monroe. She’s that girl who got so wasted at her birthday party that she drove her car through her house and almost died or something. But her parents just bought her a brand-new car to replace the one she totaled, because she’s so spoiled. If you ask me, she’s probably what drove her dad to kill her mom. He probably killed himself, too. Can’t blame him.”

My stomach heaved over and over, but nothing came up. I wasn’t crying yet, but if I stayed there another moment, I’d start screaming. I shot to my feet, disoriented, and fumbled with the lock a moment before giving up and snapping it completely off the door. I burst out of the stall and rushed past the girls. They gasped and cried out, but I didn’t look at any of them. There was no more keeping my head held high. I couldn’t face them or anyone else.

Outside the restroom, the crowds and music made my head spin. I was a complete mess. I had to get out of there. If Merodach and Kelaeno found me in this state, there was no way I could fight and protect my friends. I would get Will killed.

I had a terrifying thought: The demonic reapers had probably followed Ava and Sabina here. Ava had to be smarter than that, but I couldn’t take the risk. I couldn’t stay any longer and get anyone else I loved killed, even the strangers or those nasty girls in the restroom. I had to leave.

“Life is difficult, and sometimes we must make difficult decisions to protect the ones we love,” Nana had said to me earlier tonight. She was absolutely right. It was time for me to make a difficult decision, whether it was right or wrong. At this moment, it felt like the right decision.

I caught a glimpse of Will out of the corner of my eye. He was doubled over with one hand on the wall to hold himself up, his eyes squeezed tight and mouth open in physical agony—as if someone had slammed him in the chest with a hammer. I stopped in the crowd, staring at him as he struggled to right himself, Ava’s hand on his back, her expression full of worry. But he pushed her away and forced himself to stand tall as he searched wildly over the heads of my friends and classmates, looking for me. Then he barreled through the crowd, spinning and turning in every direction, calling my name in a fearful voice. I studied him, perplexed, and the truth of what I’d just witnessed hit me like a truck. He always knew when I was upset or in pain. Our bond, the magic that I’d put into his tattoos binding him to me, our bond that allowed him to know what I was feeling … he always knew I was in pain because my pain caused him to hurt. The agony I felt at that moment spilled into him, making him feel through pain what I felt emotionally. I did that to him. I caused him pain. I was cancer, a disease on everyone who knew and loved me.

I ducked behind a wall before he saw me, and I took a deep breath, drawing in as much of my energy as possible and pushing it down until he couldn’t sense me. By suppressing my power, I could hide it from him and ultimately hide myself from him. I couldn’t have him following me.

I kept my head low and my hair over my face as I pushed my way through the crowd and ducked out the front door. I got in my car and I was gone.

Alone.