Wings of the Wicked

14

AN HOUR LATER, I WAS FALLING ASLEEP ON WILL’S shoulder as he thumbed through one of Nathaniel’s old books that smelled like my nana’s basement. Ava and Nathaniel were huddled together over another book on the other side of the room, discussing the traits of the demonic vir. Nathaniel thought their names sounded familiar, but he didn’t know who they were. I had one eye open to peer over at the book in Will’s hands, but I was barely hanging on to consciousness. A seriously rough fight with a reaper the size of a Mack truck takes a lot out of a girl.

“I found Merodach,” Ava said, her finger pointing at a page, the paper browned with age. “And we have a bit of bad news.”

“Bad news?” Will repeated.

“All kinds of it,” she said glumly. “He’s older than our earliest records of the Preliator. This book holds the translation of a tablet older than the sarcophagus containing the Enshi. Merodach may have served this Enshi before it was imprisoned. He’s one of the first-generation original demonic reapers, a direct offspring of Lilith and Sammael.”

That woke me up a bit. “Doesn’t that mean he has to be thousands of years old? Are you sure?”

Nathaniel nodded. “That’s what it says.”

Sometimes I forgot that reapers could keep on living if nothing happened to kill them. Cadan had said he was over eight hundred years old and his father was over a thousand. Will was six hundred. Nathaniel was about a century older. It made me wonder about Bastian. How old was he? The way Merodach and Kelaeno seemed completely unaffected by Bastian’s commands made me question if they were even stronger than he was. It seemed like every day the odds against me were more and more staggering.

“I hate this job,” I said exasperatedly. “I’m quitting and going to work at McDonald’s.”

All three angelic reapers stared at me in confusion and surprise. Will even had a little horror in his expression.

I rolled my eyes. “Or maybe I should work somewhere that can sell each of you a sense of humor. I’ll even give you my employee discount. Especially you.” I looked pointedly at Nathaniel.

He blinked back. “I have a great sense of humor!”

“No, you don’t,” I mumbled. “So, Merodach. He’s solitary, despite being somehow connected with the Enshi. I’m confused that he’s allied with Kelaeno and Bastian. But I’m not surprised that Bastian is gathering the strongest he can in order to free the Enshi. He needs a powerful, impenetrable front to his army. If Merodach has joined him, then he must believe Bastian can pull it off. He wouldn’t waste his time or take anyone’s orders otherwise.”

Will furrowed his brow. “I just don’t see a reaper that ancient and powerful taking orders from Bastian.”

“Unless Bastian has grown in strength,” Ava said. “You know what Bastian can do, Will.”

He didn’t look at her, but his body visibly tensed. “Either way, Merodach and this Kelaeno are acting under Bastian’s orders. They aren’t doing it because they enjoy it. You saw the look Merodach gave Bastian.”

I could tell the subject of Bastian’s capabilities was hard for him. “Kelaeno said something very cryptic and strange to me,” I added. “Something about my heart and hand, I don’t know.”

Nathaniel’s gaze turned serious. “What exactly did she say?”

“‘Your strength in heart and hand will fall to a reaper’s bane.’ And then, ‘You will lose everything you love before finally you lose your soul.’ It was awful.”

He paused to think. “She meant Will. Your strength in heart and hand. It’s your Guardian, your right hand.”

I looked at Will, who stared at the ground. Ava wasn’t taking her eyes off him either. “What did she mean when she said he will fall?” I asked. “What is the reaper’s bane?”

“It could mean a lot of things,” Nathaniel said. “Anything that can harm a reaper, I suppose. It’s a pretty serious threat.”

I stared at him firmly. “She means he’s going to die.”

“Nathaniel,” Ava said. “The female vir’s name was Kelaeno. Doesn’t that sound familiar?”

“Yes,” he confirmed. “Aeneas and the Harpies. That’s just Greek myth, though.”

Both Ava’s gaze and her voice became dark. “What if she is real?”

Will remained silent, and his expression hardened.

“What are you talking about?” I asked. “What about Greek myth?”

Nathaniel cleared his throat. “Kelaeno was a Harpy who cursed Aeneas, the leader of the Dardanian Trojans who fought in the battle of Troy. She told him that he would go so hungry that he’d eat his tables by the end of his journey, which came true, according to the story.”

“So this threat was more like a prophecy,” I said. The words weighed on my heart. The thought of losing Will and my friends and family was too much. I couldn’t let anyone get hurt. No one should have to die for me.

“This could very well be the same Kelaeno of Greek mythology,” Nathaniel said, rubbing the bridge of his nose tiredly. “People have misidentified reapers since the beginning of time and come up with their own explanations for what they’ve experienced. Lupines were mistaken for were-wolves all the time. People saw vir reapers and believed they were demons and witches, sometimes so fervently that they’d turn on their neighbors in hysteria, burn their friends and families at the stake. It’s very likely that the Greeks invented the Harpy myth to explain some of the more avian vir reapers they may have encountered.”

That made sense. Kelaeno had been so birdlike that it was disturbing. The way her face seemed to have difficulty retaining a form haunted me. “She said something else, too. She called me ‘the gift for the demon queen.’ That sounds familiar—”

I shut up midsentence when I saw Nathaniel’s face. He stared at me in shock and fear, so startling that my pulse began to pound. “What is it?” I asked shakily.

Nathaniel leaned forward and spoke slowly. “Are you positive that is exactly what Kelaeno said?”

“Yeah,” I said. “What’s wrong? What was she talking about?”

“Lilith,” Will said. “The Fallen Queen of Hell and mother of all demonic reapers.”

The blood drained from my face. “Oh. Is that all?” I forced a tiny laugh.

“So Bastian is after Lilith too,” Ava thought to herself out loud. “He is really serious about this second war.”

“Could they really be trying to summon Lilith?” Will asked.

Ava shook her head. “More than that. If Bastian wants the Preliator and Lilith, then the spell will be more powerful than a summoning ritual. The Preliator is an archangel bound in human form. Her blood would be … so immense in power. They must want to restore Lilith’s corporeal form. They want her in this world, and not just for a visit.”

“The ritual would most certainly be contained within the grimoire,” Nathaniel suggested. “I believe I have a near-complete copy in my collection that I wrote myself before the original grimoire went missing centuries ago.”

The word was familiar and stirred memories within me. “I remember what that is. A book written by a Grigori, right? The Fallen angels bound to Earth instead of Hell?”

Nathaniel nodded. “The book is the most ancient and complete collection of angelic spells and rituals.”

“Bastian would definitely need it in order to free Lilith,” Will said darkly. “Only Grigori magic would have the kind of power needed to give corporeal form to any angel or one of the Fallen. Otherwise, they can only roam as phantoms in the mortal world.”

“What would happen then?” I asked, beginning to panic. “If Lilith is released, in her true form? How could I stop something like that?”

Nathaniel let out a long whistling breath. “I don’t think you, or any of us, can. You as Gabriel, however, could. Lilith was never an archangel. Her power could never match the strength of your own true form.”

The solution seemed simple. “Then how can I become Gabriel?”

“If there’s a way, only an angel, like a Grigori or archangel, would know,” he said. “But you already have a form. I don’t know if it’s possible for you to become an archangel out of a human body. That kind of transformation would almost certainly destroy you. Just looking upon an angel’s glory can burn a human’s eyes from their sockets. If your human body somehow transformed into an archangel, even by magic, I would imagine your own glory would incinerate you.”

“But it doesn’t,” I said. When Nathaniel gave me a puzzled look, I continued. “The power I’ve used to burn—Bastian called it my glory. It didn’t hurt me at all, so if he’s right then perhaps my human body could survive my full-on archangel glory.”

Will shook his head. “Perhaps isn’t good enough. Bastian could be wrong.”

“Or he’s right.”

Silence fell on the room. I knew the others, like me, had minds swimming with thoughts and possibilities. What if I were able to become who I really was? What would it be like? What would I be like? I wondered if I would be different, like the me of my memories, stonelike and resolute. Those visions of myself scared me, but I could only imagine the archangel side of me. When the archangel Michael came to me on that boat out in the middle of nowhere, he was eerily calm, beautifully serene, but danger leaked from him, thick and blinding like fog. The angels had no emotions, or at most very little. I wondered then: If I remembered my true self, if I became the archangel Gabriel, would I be a heartless creature who only cared about fulfilling a mission, no matter the loss? Would I no longer be in love with Will?

Would I feel anything at all?

Nathaniel stood, wrenching me from my thoughts. “I can check my copy of the original grimoire. Will, would you help me look for it?”

“Of course.” He rose to follow Nathaniel but paused and looked down at me, his gaze gentle. “Don’t be afraid. We’ll fight through this.”

I forced a smile and ached for him to offer a comforting touch. And then he touched my cheek, and warmth spread to my toes. He drew away and vanished out the door of Nathaniel’s office.

I sat back heavily in my chair. The room was silent for a moment, and I realized that I was alone with Ava. Then I noticed she was staring at me. She studied my face as if I were an amoeba beneath a microscope. The awkward seconds passed, and finally I opened my mouth with words I hadn’t really thought about.

“What does the chain tattoo around your neck mean?” I asked.

Ava hesitated for an agonizing second before she answered in a quiet voice, “It means I was property.”

I blinked. Well, that was not the response I’d expected. “What?”

“When I was young,” she began, “a demonic reaper disguised as a powerful duke kept me as a pet. He bound my power through the magic in the ink he used to tattoo chains around my neck. He raped me almost every night for twenty years. Sometimes he would get bored with me and I wouldn’t see him or anyone else for a week, and I would starve almost to death.”

Bile rose in my throat. “Oh, my God.” I thought about that, unable to comprehend the constant horror she endured through years of slavery and sexual assault. “How did you escape?”

Only then did she look away from me. “Will. He’d heard about this duke keeping angelic reapers as slaves. He fought his way into the castle and killed the demonic vir so that I was free. The magical link was severed and my power was unbound, but this tattoo will always remain for the world to see.” She paused and looked back to me. The corners of her lips pulled into a small smile. “It doesn’t matter, because I’m free. I owe Will everything.”

I didn’t respond, but the events of her rescue played out in my head like a horror movie.

“You see why I value him so much.”

I did. How could she not have cared for him after he saved her from that horrible place?

“You know, don’t you?” she asked, tilting her head to gaze at me, her dark hair curtaining her shoulders. Her voice was gentle, as though she were speaking to a wounded animal. “He told you. I suspected he would.”

I opened my mouth to respond, but nothing came out. I had no idea what to say to her. Talking about this with her made what I knew feel a thousand times more real. I didn’t want to think about Will with Ava, or with how many other girls there’d been. I didn’t want to think about anyone loving him but me.

“I’m not in love with him,” she said as if reading my mind. Before I could respond, she continued. “At least not anymore. He never loved me. Not once. You can tell when someone loves you or doesn’t, and I always knew with him. You were an impossible obstacle.”

I stared at her, unsure of how to respond. The clock above Nathaniel’s desk ticked, driving a stake through the silence between us with each passing second.

“When I met you,” she said, “I resented you, but I never hated you. I’m sorry if I haven’t been very kind. I just didn’t understand how he could be so dedicated to you for that long. He’s only able to spend a little while with you before you die again, and then he’s lonely for years. I hated seeing him like that, especially this last time when you were gone for so long and wouldn’t come back. You will never truly understand what he went through. I was angry at you for causing him so much pain, because he saved my life, gave me a life, and I was in love with him then.”

My heart kicked in my chest. She was so cruelly blunt. “Ava, I—”

“I was jealous too,” she continued, smiling gently at me. “I wanted Will to love me, but his broken heart has always belonged to you, even after he believed he’d lost you forever. He gave up everything for you, and Zane wouldn’t give up anything for me.”

“That’s not totally right,” I urged. “Will is my Guardian, the same as Zane was that relic’s guardian. So much of everything they do is part of their duty. They have to give up everything when they become a guardian. Zane was no exception, and neither is Will.”

She smiled ever so slightly, and the blue-violet of her eyes intensified as her emotions stirred to the surface. “Zane was kind to me, and I’ve always been drawn to people who take care of me. Zane and I were together a very, very long time ago, and he never loved me the way I wanted to be loved.” Her smile grew wider, and the warmth spread to her cold winter eyes. “And that’s also why I was jealous of you, because I see you fight against the demonic like no one else can, see you fight for Will, and I understand that he does all of this for you. I’ve never seen anyone look at anyone the way he looks at you.”

Will’s face appeared in my head, looking at me the way I loved him to, and a flutter of heat shot through me. I couldn’t think of him lonely and broken, especially because of me.

“I don’t love him anymore, but I still respect him,” she said. “Most of the time you come off as a silly young girl to me, but when everything most important to you is at stake, you transform into this fearless thing of wonder, like a true avenging archangel. After watching what you did last night, I respect you, Gabriel.”

I studied her carefully, waiting for her gaze to falter, but it stayed true. “Everyone keeps calling me that, but it’s not me.”

“Why do you deny who you truly are?” she asked. “You are Gabriel.”

“I’m human,” I said sadly, my hands tightening on my knees, desperate to keep myself from becoming too emotional in front of Ava. “In this world, I’m human, not some flawless archangel. That’s something I can’t even wrap my head around. I’m reckless and passionate and imperfect. I die. I’m born human, I live human, and I die human. My body isn’t as strong as yours, but my power comes from inside me and I’m as strong as I need to be. But don’t call me Gabriel, because that’s not who I am, not right now. I’m just Ellie.”

She was silent and her expression remained still as stone, but slightly curious. Then she softened, her lips relaxing from the tight line she’d drawn them into, and the color of her eyes dimmed to normal. “All right,” she said at last. “Ellie.”

Will and Nathaniel returned, and relief washed over me. Nathaniel tossed a book onto the desk and plopped down heavily.

“I’ve got nothing,” he said dismally. “The book I was looking for is gone from my collection, and I don’t know where it is. I have another book of angelic magic, but this volume has nothing on what’s contained within the grimoire. The author probably doesn’t know any more than we do about Enochian spells.”

Will frowned apologetically at me. “It doesn’t mention a spell to give an angel or one of the Fallen corporeal form, so we still don’t know if it’s even possible.”

“We need to find this grimoire,” I said. “Or at least the copy.” Inside, I tried not to be angry for not remembering any of the spells myself. Gabriel would know what to do. Ellie, on the other hand…

“Ava,” Will said, “can you and Sabina look into this? You keep in contact with more relic guardians than I’m able to. Someone has to have heard something.”

“The reaper we met at Zane’s?” Her mouth twitched into a brief grimace before all emotion washed from her expression. “Why not Marcus?”

“I don’t trust Marcus with something like this,” Will admitted. “He’s a great fighter and I’d feel confident that he’s got my back, but on a mission for something like this, he would get … distracted.”

Ava’s lips tightened. “All right. Sabina would be a wise choice for a partner.”

I pulled out my phone to check the time, but it was dead. I’d completely forgotten to charge it when I got home from the party. I searched the walls in the office for a clock and spotted it behind me. It was almost ten. My eyes bulged. I would be able to conceal myself within the Grim, but hiding my car in broad daylight would prove impossible. “I really have to go. I have to sleep and somehow get back into my house without my parents noticing.”

Will laid a hand on my arm. “I’ll walk you out.”

I smiled to the others as I rose from my chair. “See you later. Thank you, Ava.”

She gave me a shallow nod of solidarity.

Will followed close behind me as we left the library and headed out to my car. The sun was bright, but there was a bitter chill in the air. The snow last night had left a light dusting on the parking lot pavement. I dug my keys out of my bag, and they slipped right through my fingers and hit the ground. I groaned as I reached for them, but Will had already swept low and picked them up for me.

“Are you too tired to drive?” he asked gently, watching me carefully as I unlocked my car and opened the door.

“I’m fine,” I said. “Really. It’s not a far drive and it’s Sunday, so there won’t be too much traffic.”

He studied my face for a few moments and lifted a hand to stroke my cheek. “I meant it when I said you were amazing last night.”

“Thanks. So were you.”

His eyes fell to my lips briefly. Then he stepped back and pulled the car door open wider. “Get some rest.”

I sat down, threw my bag in the passenger seat, and slid my seat belt over me. I looked up at him. “You too. I mean it.”

He grinned. “I’m invincible.”

I rolled my eyes. “That kind of thinking gets you killed.”

He gave a soft laugh. “Have a good day, Ellie.”

When I drove away, I was smiling.

I sneaked back into the house and crept up the stairs to my room, shocked not to have run into my parents. I set my things down on my bed and let out a sigh. It was in that moment that I heard shuffling, and then footsteps darting up the stairs. Before I could even think, the door burst open and my mom appeared, her expression wild and her hands covering her mouth in surprise.

Oh, no.

“Richard!” she called out breathlessly. “She’s back!”

My heart stopped and my throat squeezed so tightly I couldn’t breathe. “Mom, I—”

She ran to me, pulling me into her arms and hugging me. When she let go, she took hold of both my shoulders and stared into my face. “Ellie! Where have you been? I came up to check on you after you went to bed and you were gone. You didn’t come back all night! You have no idea how worried your father and—”

“You worthless little bitch,” my father hissed as he stomped into my room and right toward me.

My mom and I stared at him in shock. I couldn’t believe what had just come out of his mouth.

“Richard!” Mom’s voice shook me back to the real world.

“Dad, I can explain—”

“Obviously you know where she’s been, Diane,” he said. “It’s time you opened your eyes to this.”

For a moment, I thought he really knew where I’d been. But that wasn’t possible. “What are you talking about?”

He moved fast. His hand was suddenly around my jaw, and he jerked my head side to side. “I’m shocked there are no hickeys.”

I wanted to throw up. I jerked away from him, rubbing my face where he’d held me so viciously, staring at him in disgust. “What is wrong with you?”

“That is out of line, Richard!” my mom growled, and put herself between us. She pushed his chest, forcing him to take a step back.

“Where else would she have been all night?” he shouted, inches from her face. “Obviously she was with that boy!”

While that wasn’t exactly untrue, I wasn’t with a boy for the reasons he was accusing me of.

My mom looked at me. “Is that true? Were you with Will? I thought you were done with that boy.”

That boy. It was so wrong, so demeaning, the taste of the words like the shock of rancid milk on my tongue. If she only knew, if either of them only knew what that boy had done for me last night, a thousand nights before. I was so tired of lying. So tired of keeping all these secrets. They were killing me. I took a deep breath. “Yes, I was with Will.”

My mom’s mouth tightened, but her gaze was sympathetic. Behind her, my dad was laughing.

“You little slut!”

Before I could react, my mom wheeled around and open-palm slapped him so hard his head snapped to the side. He wasn’t laughing anymore.

“How dare you?” she screeched. “Never, ever, ever do you talk to your child that way. Ever!”

I knew I needed to say something, but I couldn’t speak. First I needed to inhale, but I still couldn’t breathe. I needed to defend myself, to stand up to my father, but I was afraid of him because he was my father. At last I found my voice.

“Get out,” I rasped. “Get the hell out of my room and out of my life. I don’t ever want to see you again.”

He turned to me, his face a toxic mixture of rage and amusement. “Oh? And how are you going to pull that off? This is my house!”

“Then I’ll leave.” My voice was steady, but cracking at its edges. “I can’t take this. I’m done with you.”

He got right up in my face. I could feel the heat radiating off him, and it was nauseating. “You’re done with me?”

I was too physically and emotionally exhausted to go any longer. My lip curled with disgust at him. “Get out of my face before I knock the teeth from your gums.”

Something flickered dark in his eyes. He lunged for me, hands outstretched, moving faster than I thought he was capable of. I whirled out of his reach in shock, but I felt his fingers rake my throat, and my mother’s screams deafened me. I watched him pass me and my mom dart between us, beating her fists on his chest, screaming at him.

“What is wrong with you?” she shrieked, pounding his chest until he was backing toward my bedroom door. “Get out! Out!”

My lungs felt empty as my breaths became quicker and shallower, filling my head with cotton and making me ill. He’d just attacked me. I watched my mom force him from my room and slam the door in his face. She let out another furious scream before clutching her robe and fighting to steady her shaking body. I was dizzy—dizzy and bewildered by what had just happened.

Mom turned back to me, her face red and raw, her shoulders rigid with panic. “Are you all right?”

I stared at the door behind her. “No.”

“I’m going to leave him, baby,” she whispered. “Today I’m going to tell him I want a divorce.”

My heart shattered and rejoiced in the same moment. “Oh, Mom. I’m so sorry.”

She shook her head. “No. I needed to do it years ago. This was the last straw. I’m going to tell him to start packing and get out by the end of the month. He has to go.”

I swallowed hard. “I’m proud of you.”

“He’s nothing like the man I married,” she said. “So there’s no reason to be married to him if he’s going to hurt you. It’s one thing for him to treat me like that, but not my daughter.”

I stared at her, barely holding myself together, heartbeats away from falling apart. “I have to ground you, Ellie,” Mom said, still shaking. “You sneaked out of the house and you were gone all night. Rules aside, it’s just not safe. Don’t you understand how dangerous that is, or what could have happened?”

I nodded. I did understand her concern. Lots of girls disappeared every day, were hurt in car accidents, kidnapped by evil people. But I wasn’t just a girl—I had responsibilities that forced me to, at the very least, bend these rules and sometimes ignore my own instincts for self-preservation. I could confess to my mother about being out with Will all night, but I couldn’t confess to leaping off the top of a building to my near death.

“Last night there was a disturbance downtown,” she said shakily, and ice stabbed my spine. “When I saw it on the news this morning and you weren’t here, God, I’ve never been more terrified in my life. People are saying it was a hoax; some are saying it was a terrorist attack. Some witnesses got photos and video on cell phones, but the images are bright and confusing. I don’t even know what to believe. Some of the things the witnesses are saying they saw … it’s just impossible. It’s been all over the national news stations all morning.”

I swallowed hard, my pulse hammering against my brain. “I’m sure it wasn’t what they’re saying.”

“The point is, Ellie,” my mom continued, “taking off in the middle of the night was not the best decision you’ve made. This is the second time you’ve run off with him—the second time that I know of, at least. First you’re not dating him, then you are, then you aren’t, then you are again. You’ll be off to college in the fall, and I won’t be able to give you any rules then. But judging by your actions and behavior since your senior year began, I don’t know if you’re ready for that kind of freedom, or if I can even trust you to make the right decisions. I love you. You’re my daughter, and I’m terrified for you.”

I fought the sob in my throat and said the most honest thing I’d felt since I turned seventeen. “I’m sorry, Mom. I just don’t know what I’m doing. I don’t know where I’m going or who I am anymore.”

She scooped me into a tight, warm hug. “I know, baby. Everyone goes through this at your age. You have to discover who you are and who are the right people to keep in your life.”

“That’s just it,” I said, and the tears broke free, sliding down my cheeks and pooling in the corners of my mouth. “I’ve learned who I am, but I don’t believe it. It’s too much for me to handle. I can’t take the responsibility. It’s ruining me.”

“Oh, baby,” my mom cooed, stroking my hair. “I know it’s scary to grow up, but we all have to.”

Not me. I never get to. I pulled away from my mom and forced myself to look at her. “Thanks, Mom.”

She looked like she was in agony. “It’s my job.”

“I’m just going to stay in my room today, okay?” I asked. “I need to be alone.”

“Are things getting serious with Will?”

I almost laughed. The sound I made instead was cold and bitter. “Depends on how you look at it.”

“You know that if it gets that kind of serious,” she said tentatively, “you can come to me. You can talk to me about anything.”

I forced a smile, wishing that was true. For a moment, I wanted to tell her everything. About what really happened last night, about who Will really was, who I really was. She’d throw me into a psych ward without a doubt, but at least I wouldn’t have to lie anymore. “Okay.”

“Come down for lunch, okay? You won’t be grounded from eating.”

“Okay.” I wiped at my face, watching her leave and close the door behind her. Suddenly I felt the weight of having not slept for twenty-four hours and was desperate to crash.

I could sense him before he’d even appeared out of the Grim, his achingly familiar scent and presence washing over me like waterfall. A hand came from nowhere and took my wrist, but I didn’t fight him. He pulled me into him, his hands now gentle on my face and neck as he examined me for injury, his fingers moving along my jaw to lift my chin. His crystalline green eyes hardened at the sight of the fading red marks on my throat.

“I’m going to kill him,” Will snarled, biting back a rage that consumed him like fire. I’d never seen him more furious, but still he touched me as if my skin were made of glass. His control over that combination of emotions was frightening.

“No,” I said clearly and coldly. “He’s still my father. If I want him dead, I’ll do it myself.”

“I don’t care. No one touches you like that.”

“He’s human.”

“He’s a monster.”

If I had permitted it, he would’ve, without a doubt, gone after my dad. “You can’t protect me from everything,” I said gently.

“Yes, I can.” His shoulders eased as he took a long, tired breath. He brushed away my tears with his thumbs, and I closed my eyes at his touch, soaking in the kindness and pushing out the abuse I had just endured. I savored it. I closed the last few inches between our bodies until we touched, and I slid my hands up his back to hold him even tighter. I buried my face in his chest as his cheek touched my hair. He lifted my face and leaned over to kiss my temple, lips brushing my skin, and then he kissed my cheek. I pulled him closer, waiting for his lips to touch mine, but he stopped and his hands fell to my waist.

“I can’t do this,” he said faintly, his breath soft on my cheek.

I closed my eyes as a new tear rolled down my cheek and he slid out of my hands. When I opened my eyes again, he was halfway across my room.

“If I let this get too far,” he said, “I won’t be able to protect you, because Michael will execute me.”

“It’s already gone too far,” I said tiredly.

His shoulders sagged and his head hung as his gaze fell away. He’d retreated back into himself once again, drawing closed the shutters that revealed his emotions.

“Is it true, what you told your mother?” he asked.

“You heard?” I wasn’t angry or surprised. It was a question I already knew the answer to.

He bit his upper lip, and my heart sank. He looked at me as though he’d been destroyed inside and was slowly caving in on himself. “Do you really think this is ruining you?”

I ran my fingers through my hair roughly and shrugged, throwing out my hands. “I feel so broken inside. I can’t keep fighting like this and trying to live a life at the same time.”

“Then I’m right,” he said, his voice cracking, his eyes barely able to look into mine. “About you and me—I’ve only made it harder for you. It’s my fault. We can’t do this. We’ve changed.”

A spark of anger ignited in my throat. “The only thing that changed was you kissing me. We’ve always felt this way about each other. That never changed.”

“And it only proves what a mistake it was to do that.”

Another tear came down my face. “What was a mistake? Do you regret kissing me, or being in love with me, or both?”

He hesitated for the longest moment of my life. “They’re both mistakes, but I don’t regret them.”

“You’re an idiot if that’s what you think,” I said, my anger flaring. “How we feel about each other makes us stronger. It makes us fight harder for each other. You’re standing there and telling me you can’t let Michael kill you because you don’t trust anyone else to be my Guardian. Will, you’re the best not just because you’re the strongest. You protect me like no one else can because you love me. Fighting it weakens us. We’re tearing ourselves apart!”

He took a deep, quivering breath. “We can’t argue about this now. Your parents could come back.”

I could see in his eyes that he knew I was right, and still he was denying it. “Then go. I don’t want you here,” I lied.

His hands rolled into fists. “Fine,” he said sharply, trying to hide the anger in his voice. “I’ll go, but I want you to know that if he does touch you again, I will kill him, because I know you won’t do it.”

Then he vanished, and an icy breeze billowed the drapes over my open window. I squeezed my eyes shut and let myself cry.