I nod.
“That’s more metaphysical than spiritual. We don’t worship anyone or anything. It’s more a way of thinking about our position in relation to the rest of nature and the way we fit in with everything else.”
“But I’ve heard you mention Gaia before. Isn’t that the Greek earth goddess?”
“The Gaia Movement used the term to mean everything in earth’s superorganism—living things, rocks, oceans, air—they’re all mixed into one being called Gaia. Gaia exists in the past, back to the origins of life, and in the future as long as life exists. That’s why we can ask the Yara—the force that runs through Gaia—to see in the past and the future.
“Time is relative. The past and the future have both happened—we’ve just figured out how to access those past and future ‘memories’ by Reading.”
“Okay, this is where I screw my head off, shake it out, and screw it back on again,” I say.
Juneau gets this sardonic smile on her lips and says, “Posturing.”
“Huh?” I say.
“You keep doing this false modesty thing. Acting like you’re no one special. Or that you don’t understand what I’m saying because it’s complicated. When in fact you’re probably as smart as I am—”
“Ha!” I can’t help from blurting out.
“What?” Juneau asks, confused.
“Try not to be too modest,” I jibe.
Juneau just looks at me for a moment, and then says, “Why would I try to be modest? I’m super-smart, with potential for genius, from what the educators in our clan say. And from what I can tell, so are you. So why try to hide it? Why imply that you aren’t?”
I just keep driving with my mouth hanging open. I might have made some sort of gurgling noise, but am otherwise speechless.
Juneau continues to push me on it. “Is it some kind of cultural thing, this false modesty about your capacities? If this had been a week ago, I would have thought you were misleading me about your intelligence to put yourself at some sort of advantage. But now it just pisses me off because you’re not being honest. With me!”
I finally get my voice back. “Stop! Holy crap, Juneau, ixnay with the inquisition! I’m not trying to pull anything over on you. It’s cultural . . . definitely cultural. But I’ve never really thought about it before. Just give me a second.”
I try to formulate my thoughts into something she will accept. “You . . . I mean, people . . . in society . . .” How do I even say this? “You’re not supposed to act like you know you’re smart because it’s considered rude,” I say finally.
Juneau starts laughing. “That’s the stupidest thing I’ve ever heard. When you’re in a group, you offer your skills for the use and survival of the group. You don’t pretend you don’t have them. It’s not only disingenuous, it’s withholding your donation to the common good.”
“Is everyone in your clan like this, or are you the only one who hasn’t been socially conditioned to act like a normal person?”
“That depends on your definition of normal,” she shoots back, and then bites her lip. “I suppose a bit of both. Everyone knows one another’s strengths and weaknesses because they’re vital to our survival. But also, since I was five, I was expected to lead the clan. To be the clan Sage. So everyone expected me to be capable. False modesty would have been ridiculous.”
I like the fact that Juneau listened to me, so I try to understand what she’s explaining. To understand the role she had . . . that she still does. It’s the reason she’s like she is. And it’s the reason we’re here: because of this heavy burden she’s always carried.
Her clan would expect her to try to save them. So that’s exactly what she’s going to do.
And in order for her to fully trust me, I’m going to have to sacrifice some of my own habits. Number one being my defense mechanisms. I’ve already sworn to myself not to hide my feelings behind jokes. Now she wants me to be completely honest with her about myself. Which means being vulnerable to getting hurt. Again.
What can be worse than your own mother abandoning you? I think, my gut twisting as the thought barges in from where it hides in my subconscious. And the answer comes with a double blow to my solar plexus: the girl you’ve fallen for doing the same damn thing.
19
JUNEAU
WE DRIVE THE REST OF THE WAY IN SILENCE. I’M trying to process what Miles told me about how people in the “outside world” behave. It sheds a whole new light on him, and the way he acts . . . the way he’s been acting, ever since he went through the Rite.