The Science of Discworld IV Judgement Da

THREE



* * *



SEEPAGE BETWEEN WORLDS





The button having been pressed, the Archchancellor had noticed, not for the first time, that Lord Vetinari had a most useful talent, which was to be extremely volcanically angry without even slightly losing his composure. Corpses would have admired the coldness that he could insert into the most innocent conversation.

But now, in mid-reverie, Mustrum Ridcully heard a scream emanating from the High Energy Magic building. The scream was very closely followed by a number of wizards. They seemed to be fleeing, but he grabbed one and held on tight.

‘Here! Has something gone horribly wrong?’

‘I should say so, sir! There’s a woman! And she’s angry!’

This last wail was larded with the inference that only an Archchancellor could deal with a very angry woman. Fortuitously, Mustrum Ridcully was the very Archchancellor they needed, because for one thing he knew how to soothe, but he also knew when to twinkle and – more importantly perhaps – he also knew when not to twinkle. This looked like it could be a vital skill in the case of this particular lady, who was standing in the entrance to the HEM with her arms akimbo and a definite look of annoyance, a look which was tinted with a palpable sense that there had better be an explanation and, moreover, an extremely good one.

The Archchancellor took care as he walked towards her, and at exactly the proper moment took off his hat and bowed, not too theatrically, with just the right amount of olde-worlde charm. ‘Do excuse me, madam, how may I be of service?’ he said courteously. ‘I thought I heard a scream?’

She glowered at him. ‘Oh, I am sorry, but I punched one of your chaps. Couldn’t help it. Found myself where I shouldn’t be and thought: When in doubt strike first. I am a librarian, you know. And who are you, sir?’

‘Madam, my name is Mustrum Ridcully and I am Archchancellor of this college.’

‘And what you don’t know isn’t knowledge, by any chance? No!’ The woman watched Ridcully’s face and realised that he was as bewildered as her. ‘Don’t answer that! Just tell me where I am and why. I can’t get any coherence with all these men scuttling about like drones around a hive.’

‘Madam, I quite understand your feelings myself – it takes ages to get any real coherence out of them. Alas, that is the curse of academia; but with the aforesaid in mind I will tell you that you appear to have magically landed in Unseen University, and have been caught up in what I might now call a “science” experiment, although it may seem to you to be like magic, and very hard to explain at the moment. I do have my suspicions as to how you got here, believe me, for my thaumometer nearly went off the scale a few minutes ago, suggesting that what we might call magic is wild.’ He paused, before adding reassuringly, ‘But don’t fret; I’m used to this sort of thing. Running a university does have its ups and downs, and I truly believe I know the cause of this, and we will get it right as soon as possible. May I say that I would be very pleased if you would be our guest until that happy time.’

She looked at him askance, in a slightly dazed fashion, and said, ‘Somehow I appear to have turned up mysteriously in something like Balliol College; it certainly reminds me of it, oh my word, yes. Oh dear, where are my manners?’ The woman held out her hand to Ridcully and said, ‘How do you do, sir? My name is Marjorie Daw, you know, rather like the nursery rhyme?fn1 And please, I don’t know how I got here, I don’t know how I can get back to where I belong … and I am feeling rather sick.’

While she was speaking, a white-robed wizard rushed to the side of Mustrum Ridcully and handed him a small piece of paper; then scuttled away quickly.

Mustrum glanced at what was on the paper. ‘I believe, madam, that you hail from England, on planet Earth as you call it – a fact which I have just established, since my Librarian can’t find any other place in the multiverse where that particular nursery rhyme should be sung.’

She stared at him, the words ‘planet’ and ‘multiverse’ rocketing into her brain, back out again and then – because she was a librarian – pulling out an index card or two and settling in again for a nice bit of research. Then she crumpled gently downwards towards the lawn, where she was gallantly caught by the Archchancellor.

She came round in a matter-of-fact way, saying, ‘Sorry, there must be something about this travelling that doesn’t suit me.’ Her eyes narrowed and her lip curled as she continued, ‘It won’t happen again, I assure you.’

Ridcully, apparently lost in admiration for this surprisingly amazing woman, led her to the office of Mrs Whitlow, the housekeeper, who very shortly afterwards reported back that the mysterious lady was snoring in the best guest room available. And Mrs Whitlow also gave the Archchancellor a look – one of those looks that spoke for themselves – for after all, he had just carried a lady into the university. It concluded that, well, presumably a man could do anything he wanted in his own university, but please let there be no hanky or panky or, even worse, spanky.

Mustrum Ridcully, on the other hand, did not go to sleep immediately, but instead, once all the guests and visitors had gone, ambled along to the university library, where he spoke to the head Librarian, who promptly carried out the task that Ridcully had presented to him.

Although he had a very pointy hat and, on special occasions, wore very ornate robes, Mustrum Ridcully was also very smart. Smart was a necessary part of life in the university if you wanted to have a life in the university. He prided himself on his memory for small things, so within the hour he headed to the study of Ponder Stibbons. He was followed dutifully by the Librarian, whose skill at picking up data fast was legendary.

‘Simianfn2 and gentlemen,’ Ridcully summarised, ‘I am convinced that the Great Big Thing so recently put to work by the wizards of the High Energy Magic building may have struck what I am reliably informed is called a hitch … yes, Mister Stibbons?’

Everyone knows that if you have foolishly done something wrong then your first step must be to determine if the blame can be laid elsewhere, but Archchancellor Ridcully knew where all the bucks stopped, and so Ponder’s best defence would therefore be to state a clear intention to return the world, as soon as possible, to the status quo ante, and by any means necessary.

‘On a point of order, Archchancellor,’ the wizard replied, ‘the word in question is a glitch and, as they go, a not particularly bad one, given that as far as we can tell nobody has been injured, I’m pleased to say. According to Hex, Archchancellor, your surmise that we are cross-linked to Roundworld is correct. Well done, sir! Finding a clue in that children’s rhyme was an amazing surmise. Unfortunately, it also makes me worry that there may be more … seepage between our worlds …’

Ridcully frowned. ‘Mister Stibbons. We have meddled in Roundworld rather too many times, in my opinion. In fact, as I recall, it was the Dean who caused the place to come into being, don’t you remember? He was mucking about with some firmament, so technically speaking he created the place. Mind you,’ he went on, ‘I think it would be a very good idea if we don’t let anybody know about that. There would be no end of arguments.’

Ponder nodded vigorously.

Ridcully grinned and continued thoughtfully, with a certain amount of malice aforethought, ‘It does seem to me, Mister Stibbons, that we should send an agent in there to see how things are. After all, Miss Daw has stumbled into our world, and therefore we have a duty to see nothing untoward is happening in hers as a result of your … experiment. Indeed, in the interests of all concerned, I think we should definitely send someone the other way. We are responsible for the place.’ Mustrum Ridcully stroked his beard, a signal to all who knew him that he was feeling rather nasty and mysterious. ‘I think, yes, the Dean himself ought to go and have a look around.’ The beard was stroked again, and Ridcully continued, ‘For backup, you had better send Rincewind with him; he’s been looking a little peaky lately, so a change of air will do him good.’

‘Alas, sir,’ said Ponder, ‘if you recall, and I know you recall, the Dean is now Archchancellor of Pseudopolis University, and we haven’t inducted a new Dean yet.’

Undeterred, Ridcully said, ‘Get him anyway! He was the one who created Roundworld. He can’t just shrug it off; he ought to see how the old place is doing. Send him a clacks. We need action today. We want no more seepages!’

fn1 She had rather liked the name until she went to school; the other kids teased her until one day she took umbrage and there was an up-and-downer, after which they showed some respect.

fn2 The Librarian of Unseen University, who gets a capital ‘L’, is an orangutan, because of an accident when a spell escaped from a book of magic. See The Light Fantastic.