The Circle (Hammer)

40



JARI LEADS ANNA-KARIN into one of the smaller rooms upstairs. Cushions are scattered about the floor and there’s a ping-pong table. Two girls are plucking ice cubes from each other’s glasses, then passing them between their mouths with kisses. It’s clear that they’re putting on a show for the guys who are sitting on the cushions.

Anna-Karin props her elbows on the ping-pong table. The whole world is heaving, as if she was at sea. She doesn’t feel quite so sick if she focuses straight ahead.

‘Are you all right?’ Jari asks.

Sweet, considerate Jari. With his sweet, beautiful eyes. It can’t just be Anna-Karin’s magic that makes him look at her like that. He must really like her.

‘I feel so fuuucking goood,’ she says. Her tongue is sort of numb. Slack and numb, can’t quite keep up. And her head feels so heavy it’s hard to keep it upright. But what she says is true. She feels so f*cking good. She’s with Jari. The boy of her dreams.

‘It’s not just because I’ve been fat and ugly all my life that I’ve become like this. It’s my mother’s fault. I f*cking believe that. She’s made me totally anti-men. She’s never …’

Here Anna-Karin has to swallow back the puke that bubbles up her oesophagus before she can continue. She clears her throat and looks around the room to include the guys sitting on the floor cushions. ‘She’s never said anything good about you. I mean, not, like, you guys, but like guys. You know?’ Anna-Karin isn’t sure if she’s about to laugh or cry. Everything’s so much fun and so terribly sad at the same time. And so unsteady. ‘But you’re so f*cking nice. I’m so f*cking happy you exist. Guys are f*cking nice. Guys, guys, guys. More guys!’

She can hear how idiotic she’s being. She’s always thought that drunk people have no idea how stupid they sound. Now she knows that when you’re drunk you just don’t care that you sound ridiculous. She doesn’t give a flying f*ck. About anything. It’s like a thousand kilos have been lifted off her chest.

‘Maybe you should give her some water,’ she hears someone tell Jari.

Why are they talking about her as if she wasn’t there?

Anna-Karin staggers along the edge of the ping-pong table to Jari. She’s using all her power to keep her hold on him. The other people in the room probably don’t like her. But who cares? Jari is the only one who matters.

‘Who do you love?’ Anna-Karin asks, looking at him.

‘You, of course,’ Jari answers, without blinking.

Anna-Karin takes a few steps towards him, trips and falls into his arms. Her forehead smacks against his eyebrows, but she barely feels it. She throws her arms around his neck and opens her mouth.

At first he kisses her gently. She tries to lean against him to keep her balance while she thinks about how many words rhyme with what they’re doing – nuzzling, guzzling … puzzling? Rustling? And then she stops thinking. The only things that exist are their mouths. Her tongue in his mouth, his tongue in hers. She licks his lower lip and he moans. Their teeth knock together a few times. Anna-Karin becomes increasingly bold. She sucks his tongue – she can hardly believe she has the courage to do it. She lets her hands roam over his shirt, then slips them underneath it. He’s thin. She feels the hard squares of his stomach. His skin is warm. The soft fuzz below his belly-button. Her fingers fondle his jeans. He groans.

‘Jesus Christ!’ a girl cries out. ‘Can’t you go and f*ck somewhere else!’

Anna-Karin and Jari open their eyes and look around, bleary-eyed. Without taking his eyes or hands off her Jari says, ‘I don’t know what this chick does to me.’

Anna-Karin licks her lips in the way she’s seen girls do in the porno films she’s watched in secret. She realises she’s licking off Jari’s saliva –it’s all over her mouth –but for some reason the idea doesn’t disgust her. In fact, it turns her on.

Anna-Karin leans towards Jaris’s ear and whispers: ‘Let’s find somewhere we can do it. I want to do it with you right now.’

Jari nods and gives her a feather-light kiss on the lips. It sends electric shockwaves surging through her. She wants more. Now.

They return to the throbbing heart of the party. Seeing all these people again is a shock. Anna-Karin tries to get them to move out of the way, tries to focus on their bodies, but she can barely stand.

She lets Jari go first, beat a path for them.

‘Upstairs?’ he calls, over his shoulder.

Anna-Karin nods, but then she sees Vanessa and Linnéa. They’re coming towards her, looking pissed off. What a joke. She lets go of Jari’s hand. ‘You go and see if any rooms are free. I’ll follow you in a minute.’ She crosses her arms and waits for them. This time she’s not going to run.



The water is gushing from the bath tap. Minoo can only watch as the water level rises. The steam has fogged the mirror and is making her pyjamas stick to her.

Minoo is somewhere inside herself, trying to get out. She’s a prisoner inside her body, locked behind her face. Behind her she hears the door latch turning, then locking with a click. She tries to scream, but the sound never reaches her vocal cords.

Every detail in the bathroom is crystal clear. She can see every thread in the fluffy bathroom carpet she’s standing on. Every drop of water gushing from the tap. The dark grey seam between the white tiles.

Leave me alone! she screams inside her head. Let go of me!

I can’t.

The most frightening thing is that the voice is so warm and friendly, so pleasant.

The bath tap turns off. She looks at the water, at the little specks of dust floating on the surface. A few last drops dribble from the tap.

There’s a knock at the door.

‘Minoo?’ her mother says. Her voice is heavy with sleep.

Minoo can see her in her mind’s eye, standing on the other side of the door, less than a metre away, wrapped in her washed-out dark red bathrobe.

Mum! Minoo thinks. Mum, help me!

‘I woke up and couldn’t sleep so I thought I’d take a bath. Sorry if I woke you,’ Minoo hears herself say.

‘Okay. Just be careful you don’t fall asleep in the water,’ her mother says, and leaves her.

Minoo takes a few steps forwards. The heat rises towards her face.

It’s almost over. You don’t want to stay here. You have no idea what awaits you in this world. It’s only going to get worse. Much, much worse. And all for nothing. There’s no point in fighting against it. You appreciate logic and you’ve already worked that out, haven’t you? You can’t win.

She puts one foot into the bath. The water is hot, but not enough to scald her. She puts in her other foot. The legs of her pyjamas stick to her calves. She pleads with the intruding presence to let her go. Begs.

All of your suffering, Minoo, it’s just the beginning. Trust me. This is so much easier.

Minoo’s body is engulfed in water as she eases herself into the bath. Her pyjama top is full of air and swells like a balloon as she struggles to keep her head above the water.

For a moment she can see what is holding her – a haze of black smoke surrounds her. She concentrates all her willpower on dispersing it. The smoke dissipates slightly.

Minoo regains control of her hands. She grabs the rim of the bath, clings desperately to it. Her arms are shaking with the strain.

Let go, Minoo.

The strength drains from her fingertips as they are prised away from the bath. She sinks. The warm water closes above her face.

There’s no point in resisting.

If her mother has gone back to sleep, she or her father might not try the bathroom door again until tomorrow morning. Will it be unlocked by then? Or will they have to break it down? Will Minoo’s eyes be open under the water, staring blindly?

The black cloud drags her down into the water until her head hits the bottom of the bath.

Forgive me.



‘Come on. We’ll take you home,’ Linnéa says.

‘Forget it,’ Anna-Karin tells her.

The cigarette smoke hangs in the air like a bank of fog, mixed with other, sweeter smoke. Anna-Karin decides that a glass of water wouldn’t be a bad idea after all.

An elbow comes against her from behind, and she lurches unsteadily. For a moment she thinks she’s going to lose her balance and fall, but she flails her arms and manages to stay on her feet.

‘Shit! She can’t even stand,’ says Vanessa.

‘Somebody pushed me!’ Anna-Karin says. Anger flares and clears her head. She understands now. It must be tough for Vanessa not to be the centre of attention any more, that Jari wants Anna-Karin now, not her. ‘I’m not going anywhere,’ she says. ‘You can go home if you want to.’

‘You’ve had enough of an adventure for one night,’ Linnéa says.

‘I’m staying here all night,’ Anna-Karin says, ‘and Jari’s going to pop my cherry.’

Vanessa’s jaw literally drops. Anna-Karin has never actually seen that happen before.

‘You mean you’re going to rape him,’ Linnéa says.

‘You wish,’ Anna-Karin says.

‘If you have sex with him against his will it’s rape.’

‘You and I both know he’d never do it voluntarily,’ Vanessa adds.

‘Getting laid is all men ever want to do!’ Anna-Karin snaps. ‘Which guy would say no? Huh?’

‘Anna-Karin,’ Vanessa says firmly, ‘that’s not how it works. Jari is a human being, not someone you can just use. Would you think it was okay if a guy did that to a girl?’

‘It’s not the same thing. Anyway, Jari wants me for real, no matter what you think.’

‘You’re going too far now,’ Linnéa says.

‘Hypocrites!’ Anna-Karin shouts. ‘Everyone knows that Vanessa is a slut. And you’re a f*cking junkie, the daughter of a drunk—’

A hard smack. Anna-Karin’s cheek stings. Linnéa has slapped her across the face and everyone turns. It’s noticeably quiet suddenly, apart from the music, which is hammering away throughout the house. Anna-Karin does all she can to hold back the tears that are stinging her eyes.

She sees Jari coming down the stairs and goes to meet him.

‘Is anything wrong?’ he asks anxiously.

‘I want to go home with you,’ she says.



The last few air bubbles escape from the corner of Minoo’s mouth and rise towards the surface of the water. Her chest cramps. She struggles against the black cloud, which wants to open her mouth and let her lungs draw in water.

There’s a buzzing in her ears, which rises and falls with her heartbeat. Water is trickling into her nose and down into her throat.

No!

Suddenly the iron grip on her body relaxes.

I can’t do it …

And the black cloud, which has been swirling around her, is gone.

I won’t do it. I won’t listen to you.

Minoo’s arms fly out of the water into the air. Adrenalin is surging through her, giving her the strength she needs. Her arms fling themselves over the edge of the bath and she heaves herself into a sitting position.

Water pours over the sides of the bath, spilling loudly on to the floor. She splutters and coughs until she gags, and then, at long last, she can draw air into her lungs. A little water comes with it and she coughs, again violently. This time she’s close to vomiting.

Minoo stands up on shaky legs and almost falls in the bath. Supporting herself on the sink, she climbs out and has to sit on the toilet. Water runs from her hair and from her pyjamas. She breathes heavily and a big pool of water forms on the tiles at her feet. She doesn’t dare believe it’s over.

She jumps as a sudden pounding on the door. Someone pulls at the handle. ‘Minoo!’ her mother cries.

The relief is so powerful that she starts to cry. She wants to unlock the door and throw herself into her mother’s arms. But how would she explain her drenched pyjamas?

‘What’s going on in there?’ her mother calls, and beats on the door again.

Minoo takes a few deep breaths. ‘It’s all right. I fell asleep in the bath,’ she calls back. Her voice is hoarse and cracked. She barely recognises it when it echoes from the tiles.

‘Good Lord, Minoo! I told you, didn’t I!’

Minoo rests her forehead in her hands. Her whole body is shaking.

‘I’m sorry,’ her mother says, in a softer voice. ‘I just got so frightened. Would you like me to come in?’

Minoo forces a smile in the hope that it’ll make her sound normal. ‘It’s okay. I’m just going to clear up in here,’ she says.

She takes off her pyjamas, which land heavily on the floor with a smack. She hesitates before she dares to put her hand into the water and pull out the plug.



*



Anna-Karin sits down on the unmade bed. She’s still wearing her bright pink dress. Her hair flows out over the pillow when she lies down. She closes her eyes to stop the room spinning, but feels worse.

She’s sobered up a little during the long walk through the forest and now she’s very nervous. ‘What if your parents wake up?’ she whispers.

‘They won’t. Their room is on the other side of the house.’

Jari pulls off his shirt. He’s not wearing a vest underneath. His skin is pale, smooth and taut over his muscles. Anna-Karin hardly dares look but can’t stop herself. He unzips his jeans and bends down to pull them off, his face hidden beneath his long dark hair.

Then he’s in a pair of black boxer shorts that are so tight she can see the contours of what lies underneath. He moves towards the bed, still wearing his socks. For some reason she focuses her panic on them.

Take them off! Take them off!

He stops short and yanks off his socks as if they’re on fire. Then he smiles apologetically at her and crawls into bed. They lie beside each other for a moment as he plays with a wisp of her hair. His knee slides up her legs as he moves closer. He kisses her probingly as he reaches for the hem of her dress and pulls it up towards her hips.

You and I both know he’d never do it voluntarily.

Anna-Karin stops him. She lays a hand on his cheek, and looks deep into his eyes, trying to read his lustful, slightly glazed expression. Does he really want to be here? Does he really want to do this?

She takes a deep breath and holds his eyes. Then she switches off, cuts the power flowing out of her.

At first nothing happens. He looks at her with a patient but confused smile.

Then something changes in his eyes. It’s as if a film is lifted. A spark is suddenly reignited.

Jari looks away, scratches his arm distractedly. Looks at her again. And really sees her.

She knows that look. She’s seen it before.

‘What the f*ck are you doing here?’

The room starts to spin again, as if she’s falling backwards in endless slow motion. A powerful twinge of nausea surges through her, like a convulsion. It can’t be ignored.

She leaps out of bed and tears open the door. The force of the bile builds in the pit of her stomach. Anna-Karin looks around the darkened hallway in panic. Lots of doors.

And here it comes, erupting into her mouth with the speed of a cannonball. She bolts into the corridor, keeps everything inside her mouth by clenching her teeth. Some shoots up her nose and that alone is so disgusting that she’s certain more will come at any moment. Her stomach groans, and she sees the little heart nailed on one of the doors. She yanks desperately at the handle. But the toilet door is locked.

Someone’s in there.

Anna-Karin drops to her knees. Vomit spurts from her mouth, dripping out of her nose. Her whole body shudders, as her stomach sends fresh streams splashing over the floor and walls. It sounds like someone emptying a bucket of water.

It’s over in a few seconds. She wipes her mouth with the back of her hand, can’t bear to look at what she’s left behind.

‘Jari?’ a woman calls, from inside the toilet.

Anna-Karin’s head feels so heavy that she just wants to lie down and close her eyes, but she stands up and runs back to Jari’s room. They almost crash into each other in the doorway.

‘What the f*ck’s going on?’ he asks.

At the other end of the corridor, someone, undoubtedly Jari’s mother, flushes the toilet. Anna-Karin looks at Jari one last time. His eyes reflect disgust and disbelief.

She runs.

She runs towards the front door that she and Jari snuck through just fifteen minutes ago. Her sweaty fingertips can barely get a grip on the knob, but then the door flies open. She’s hit by a blast of cold air and remembers her jacket, grabbing it from the coat rack on her way out.

Behind her she hears the female voice curse with revulsion, and realises that the woman has probably just stepped into her pool of vomit.

Anna-Karin might have been able to put everything right, control Jari and his mother and make them forget everything, but she hates herself too much. Disgusting, stupid Anna-Karin – see what happens when you try to get things you don’t deserve.

Anna-Karin runs like she’s never run before. She becomes one with the wind. She shoots across the front garden, into the forest. Her head throbs and her stomach aches, but still she runs on, and on, and on.