The 13th Horseman

Don’t look down, don’t look down, don’t look down. The words repeated in Drake’s head like a mantra. Looking down would be stupid. Looking down would be insane.

Drake looked down.

Aaaaaah, screamed his brain. Aaaaaaaaaaah!

The town spread out below him like a map. The streets, the cars, the houses – they were all tiny, and getting tinier by the second as the horse climbed steadily higher.

The rushing of the headwind stole Drake’s breath away. The horse’s hooves clip-clopped noisily on thin air. Somewhere, far off to their left, a passenger on a passing aeroplane watched the horse running across the sky, took a long, hard look at his complimentary drink, then slowly sat it down on the fold-away tray.

And behind them, unnoticed, a spinning ball of techno-magic mumbo jumbo tore across the sky.

“D-down,” Drake whimpered. “Down, boy.”

The horse tossed its head back and shook its fiery mane. It banked steeply upwards, until it was almost running vertically. Drake screamed as he slid backwards off the saddle. The reins, still wrapped round his wrists, jerked tight and he found himself dangling helplessly, his legs bicycling in mid-air.

With a snort, the horse turned sharply right and began to race towards the distant ground. Drake was flicked upwards, before gravity thudded him back down into the saddle. He felt the upsurge of wind and heard the high-pitched whine of the sphere as it soared past him, tumbling end over end.

The ball curved like a boomerang, punched through a fluffy white cloud, then rejoined the chase. Up here, with nothing to get in its way, the ball was fast. It began to close the gap almost at once. Even over the roaring of the wind, Drake could hear the whirring of the blades. He remembered the sting of the cut on his cheek. Then he imagined it a thousand times worse.

He clenched his legs round the horse’s broad back and ducked down low in the saddle. “Yah!” he cried, flicking the reins just as War had done. “Ya-aaaaaaaaaaah!”

The world went blurry round the edges. For the second time in sixty seconds, Drake was saved by the reins round his wrist as he was thrown backwards off the saddle. Still the horse galloped faster, until it was dragging Drake along, his legs stretched out behind him.

“Not yah,” he cried. “I’ve changed my mind. Not yah! Not yah! ”

The animal gave a long, loud whinny. It sounded, Drake thought, suspiciously like a laugh.

The roar of gunfire erupted behind them. The horse banked sharply to the right and something whistled past Drake’s head. Several somethings. He glanced back and caught a glimpse of a gun barrel poking out from within the sphere.

“Yes yah. Definitely yah!” Drake cried. “Yah, yah, yah!”

Fire spat from the barrel of the gun. The horse went into freefall and Drake felt the bullets streak by just above him. He looked down to find the ground racing up. He’d barely begun to scream when the horse levelled off, clattering him back down into the saddle.

They were racing just a few metres above an open field now, kilometres outside the town. A road ran alongside them a kilometre or so to the left. Down on the right, a narrow river meandered towards an old stone bridge.

Twisting in the seat, Drake searched the sky. The ball was nowhere to be seen. “Where did it go? Did you see it?” he cried. He hesitated, then added, “Why am I asking a horse? I mean, it’s not like you can understand what I’m saying.” Another pause. “You can’t understand what I’m saying, can you?”

The horse shook its head.

“Good,” said Drake. “That would’ve just been too weir— Look out ! ”

The sphere rose up from behind the bridge, spraying bullets in a wide horizontal arc. The horse neighed loudly, startled by the gunfire. Stumbling, it plunged into the river. The coldness of the water made Drake gasp. It swirled in through his open mouth, filling his throat and his belly. He felt the reins pull away, heard the frantic splashing of the horse. And then he was floating.

And then he was sinking.

And then, he was drowning.

The darkness eased behind Drake’s eyelids, like shadows fleeing the coming of dawn. Something warm and wet pressed against his mouth. And his cheeks. And his forehead. It pulled back as he sat up and spewed dirty river water on to the grass.

“Knew it,” said Famine. His head was directly above Drake’s, his rubbery lips folded into a wide smile. “Kiss of life. Never fails.”

Drake turned his head and spewed again. Not water, this time.

“What... what happened?” he asked, when he had finished retching. “Where’s the ball thing?”

“Over there.” Pestilence’s head appeared from behind Famine’s bulk. He pointed to a scorched patch of ground nearby. “And over there. And there. And there’s a bit down there, by those trees. War headbutted it. It was really quite impressive.”

“You’re lucky we found you when we did.” War was standing a short distance away, running his hand over his horse’s flank. “And you’re lucky Famine’s got his first-aid certificate.”

“Have you been eating Frosties?” Famine asked. His tongue rummaged around inside his mouth. “You have, haven’t you? That’s definitely Frosties. And milk. Semi-skimmed.”

Drake’s hand went to his own mouth. “I think I’m going to puke again.”

War clapped his horse on the back and turned to Drake. His face was beard, scowl and very little else in between.

“I warned you, didn’t I?” he said. “‘For God’s sake,’ I said, ‘don’t pull back on the reins.’”

“No, you didn’t,” Drake snapped. His pulse was racing, adrenalin pumping the blood through his veins. “You said ‘For God’s sake don’t...’ and then you jumped off. How was I to know the horse would start flying?”

“Don’t be so stupid. It didn’t fly,” War said with a grunt. “Horses don’t fly. They gallop.”

“Well, it galloped across the sky!” Drake replied. He pulled himself up to his full, unimpressive height. “Horses don’t do that.”

“Well, that depends on the horse!” War roared, bending until he was almost nose to nose with Drake. “Now, you’re going to come back to the shed, and you’re going to start your training.”

“No, I’m not!”

War’s face went the colour of his beard. He opened his mouth to shout, but Pestilence slipped between them and quickly guided Drake away.

“If I might interrupt,” he said, smiling thinly. “I think what my irate colleague is trying to say is that we’d very much appreciate it if you’d perhaps come back to the shed and listen to what we have to say.” He held up his hands. They were still hidden beneath white rubber gloves. “Just hear us out, that’s all.”

Drake remained silent for a long time. Pestilence watched him, eyebrows waggling encouragingly. “Here,” Drake said at last. “Tell me here.”

Pestilence glanced at the others, as if looking for some cue. None came, so he shrugged, then carried on.

“The Four Horsemen of the Apocalypse have existed since the dawn of time itself,” he began. “We are servants of the Almighty, created for one purpose and one purpose only.”

“To usher in the end of the world,” blurted Famine.

“Oooh, shut up, you!” Pestilence gasped, his hands going to his hips. “I’m supposed to do that bit! You never let me do that bit!”

“Just get on with it,” said War.

Pestilence shook his head. “That’s my favourite bit,” he muttered. “Anyway. Yes. We were created to usher in the end of the world.” He looked pointedly at Famine before continuing. “It’s a pretty important job, really. I mean, it’s probably – what – sixth most important job in all creation?”

“’Bout sixth,” Famine confirmed. “’Bout sixth, yeah.”

“It’s about the sixth most important job in all creation,” Pestilence said. “And it’s great. I mean, it’s an honour to be picked and everything, it’s just...”

Drake waited for the rest of the sentence. It didn’t seem to be forthcoming. “It’s just what?”

“God, it’s dull,” Pestilence groaned. “I mean, we’ve been kicking about for thousands of years, us three, just hanging around, you know? Waiting on the phone call. Thousands of years and nothing. Not even a false alarm.”

“So? What’s that got to do with me?”

“Death got fed up of waiting,” Famine said. Drake could tell from the fat man’s voice that he was munching on something. He couldn’t bring himself to look and see what it was. “He decided he was going to bring on Armageddon himself and cleared off. Short of it is, we’re down to three. And with him planning on destroying the world, the powers that be decided we needed a replacement, sharpish.”

“You,” said Pestilence. “Me? Why me?”

Pestilence shrugged his slender shoulders. “No idea. We don’t know the why-fors, we just know you’re our fourth horseman.”

“Fifth horseman, surely?” Drake corrected. “The last guy was the fourth.”

Pestilence shot the others a nervous glance. Famine kept his own gaze on the ground. Even War looked slightly uncomfortable, but it was he who eventually broke the silence.

“Actually, he was more like the twelfth.”

“Twelfth?” Drake said. “I don’t understand.”

“We’ve had... a number of Deaths,” War admitted. “Nine, actually. Not counting you.”

“Nine? Why? What happened to them?”

Famine crammed his food into his mouth and began counting on his fingers. “Mad, mad, suicide, mad, quit, mad, goldfish, suicide, mad,” he said.

“Wait,” said Drake, replaying the list in his head. “Goldfish?”

“Admin error,” explained Pestilence, rolling his eyes. “Do not even go there. You should’ve seen him trying to ride the horse.”

“So, counting us three, there have been twelve horsemen before you,” War continued. “Making you the thirteenth.”

“Unlucky for some!” Pestilence trilled. He caught War’s expression. “Sorry,” he whispered. “Not helping.”

“No, I’m not the thirteenth.” Drake shook his head emphatically. “I’m not doing it.”

“But it’s a good job,” said Pest encouragingly. “It’s a great job!”

“A great job? They all killed themselves or went mad!” Drake cried. “That hardly screams ‘job satisfaction’, does it?”

“Well, no,” admitted Pestilence. He held up a little red button with ‘I AM 4’ printed on it in jolly yellow lettering. “But you get a badge, look.”

“Death Five didn’t go mad or kill himself,” Famine reminded him. “He quit.”

“Right, well I’ll do that, then,” Drake said. “I quit. There.”

War’s voice was a low growl. “You can’t quit. You haven’t accepted the job yet.”

“So, if I take the job, I can quit? Simple as that?”

“Aye. Simple as that.”

Drake took a deep breath. “Then I accept. I’ll take the job.”

Pestilence clapped his hands. “Yay!”

“And now I quit.” Drake turned and began to march off, towards where he hoped the town might possibly lie. “Good luck finding a replacement.”

“Where d’you think you’re going?” War demanded. The tone of his voice stopped Drake in his tracks.

“Home,” he answered. “I told you, I quit.”

“Fair enough,” War said. “But you have to work your notice.”

Drake met the giant’s gaze and held it. “What?” he asked flatly.

“Three months’ notice,” War said. “Ninety days. It’s in the terms and conditions.”

“But...” Drake’s mouth flapped open and closed. “You didn’t tell me that!”

“Didn’t I? Must’ve slipped my mind.”

Over by the bridge, War’s horse gave a snort. For the first time, Drake noticed a small shed standing just beyond it. It looked remarkably similar to the shed in his garden, but Drake decided he wasn’t going to think about that right now. He had enough on his plate as it was.

“You don’t want to go breaking the terms and conditions,” War told him. “That’s really not a good idea.”

“Why?” Drake asked. He’d been running on pure adrenalin since his escapades on the horse, but the effects were wearing off now, and he could feel his whole body trembling. “What happens if I do?”

War’s face darkened. “You’ll be cast into the fiery pits of Hell for a thousand millennia, forced to endure torture and suffering far beyond anything your tiny little mind could ever bring itself to imagine.”

“And,” added Pestilence apologetically, “we’d have to take the badge back.”

War folded his arms across his impossibly broad chest. “So, Drake Finn,” he said, “what’s it to be?”





BY THE TIME Drake made it to town, his feet hurt. They were also damp. The rest of him had dried off during the long walk back, and the two hours spent hanging around near the school, waiting for the final bell to ring.

He knew he couldn’t turn up at home before the end of the school day, or his mum would ask questions. Besides, the extra couple of hours had given him time to think, and to poke around the car park where he and War had made their escape.

Getting close proved impossible. Police had cordoned off the area where the wall had been smashed. They were combing over the remains of the minibus and the cars that had been trampled by the horse, or shredded by the spheres.

Drake had stared at the torn metal and the fragments of glass on the ground. Those blades, that could tear cars to ribbons, had been coming for him. He’d thought at first that the horsemen had sent them, but now he knew differently. But someone had been trying to kill him, and if it hadn’t been the horsemen, then who had it been? And why?

These thoughts were still occupying him an hour later, when he stood at the front gates, waiting.

“Hey, Chief. Where you been?”

“Oh, um, hi,” he said, giving Mel a self-conscious wave. “Didn’t expect to see you here.”

Mel heaved her bag higher on her shoulder. “What, exiting the school gates at bell time?” she asked. “Yeah, what are the chances?”

Drake’s face suddenly felt very hot. “Yeah,” he muttered. “Yeah, of course.”

“No one’s ever waited for me before,” she said, matter-of-factly.

For some reason, Drake felt glad about that. “Really?” he asked, doing his best not to grin like an idiot.

“Most people think I’m strange.” She looked at him intently. “Do you think I’m strange?”

“A bit,” Drake admitted.

Mel brightened. “Excellent. I looked for you at break,” she said. She started to walk away from the school and Drake fell into step beside her. “Where were you?”

For a moment, Drake thought about telling her the truth. But he didn’t. The truth was too weird.

“I, uh, left early,” he told her. “Doctor’s appointment.”

“Anything serious? You’re not dying, are you?”

“Nah, just a check-up.”

Mel whistled. “Must’ve been a long check-up. Break until now… that’s, what, five hours?”

“Yeah. He was very... thorough.”

“You missed some excitement,” Mel said.

Drake’s ears pricked up. “Oh?”

“There was a big accident in the car park. They’re saying the school minibus crashed into the wall. Knocked a hole right through it.”

“Who’s saying?”

“You know... they,” Mel explained. “Just they in general.”

“Right,” Drake said. “Wow.”

“It’s by far the coolest thing to ever happen in that school. Which is tragic, really, when you think about it. Balloon ! ”

Mel pointed excitedly up towards the sky. Drake followed her finger and saw a yellow balloon being carried on a breeze above the rooftops. “What’s your stance on loose balloons?” Mel asked him.

Drake frowned. “Loose balloons?”

“As in balloons that have got loose. Like that one. What do you feel about it?”

“Um... not much.”

Mel looked disappointed. “I’m in two minds,” she said. “On the one hand, I think they’re terrible, because it means that someone somewhere has lost their balloon, and that’s got to sting, right?”

She looked at Drake expectantly.

“Right,” he agreed.

“Right. But on the other hand, it’s a balloon, so you’ve got to love it.” She sighed. “I just don’t know what to think.”

Drake nodded. “It’s difficult.”

“That it is,” she agreed. “That it is.”

They watched the balloon until it disappeared into the fluffy white clouds. It looked, to Drake, impossibly high, and he tried not to think about the fact he’d been racing through those very clouds – or ones quite like them, anyway – just a few hours ago.

“So, this accident,” he said, as they continued walking, “what did you say caused it?”

“Well...” began Mel. She took a deep breath, and Drake got the feeling she was about to launch into a detailed account of what had happened. “They don’t know,” she said, proving him completely wrong.

“I thought you said it was the minibus?”

“No, they think the minibus crashed into the wall, but loads of other cars were damaged too, and the minibus couldn’t have caused all of it.”

“Oh, right.”

“They even found horse droppings!” Mel said. “Can you imagine? Horse crap in the school car park? Picture it, Chief, a horse doing a great big poo right there on school grounds! Just picture it.”

“I’d rather not.”

Mel shrugged. “Suit yourself.”

“So no one saw anything... strange?”

“What, apart from the horse crap? No, don’t think so.”

So, no one had witnessed Drake’s involvement in the destruction of the car park, or seen the flying spheres. That was a good thing, he decided. Probably.

“Why do you ask?”

“Um, no reason. Those boys turn up?” he asked, changing the subject.

“What? Oh, no, not yet. They will, though.”

“How do you know?”

Mel puffed out her cheeks. “This is them all over. They’ll have run away, but they’ll come back when it starts raining or they run out of food or whatever. Everyone knows it, that’s why no one’s all that bothered about it.” Her brow furrowed. “There was something else I was going to tell you.”

“What?”

She looked up and to the left and right, as if she’d find the answer written there somewhere. “Nope, can’t remember,” she said at last. She stopped walking. “This is me.”

Drake found himself looking up the long gravel drive of a grand detached house. Two cars stood in the driveway, both as big as his kitchen, both brand new. Drake made a mental note never to let Mel see where he lived.

“Wow, is this your house?” he asked. “Yeah,” she said matter-of-factly. “I’d invite you in, but my parents are Devil Worshippers.”

“Really?”

“Nah. Well, my Dad’s not.”

A statue in the middle of the neatly cropped lawn caught Drake’s eye. It stood twice as tall as him, reared up on its hind legs. “Hey, another horse.”

“Oh, yeah, my whole family’s into horses,” Mel said, following his gaze. “I used to have one.”

“What happened?”

Mel drew a thumb across her throat and made a sound like the snapping of bone.

“Oh, right,” Drake mumbled. “Sorry.”

Mel shrugged. “She was ill. It was her time. Horses die, and them’s the facts.” She looked at the house, then back to Drake. “So,” she began, “see you tomorrow?”

“Assuming no more check-ups.”

She smiled her crinkled-nose smile. “You look pretty fit to me,” she said, then her face fell. “I mean... fit like healthy, not... you know? Though, I mean, not that you’re not...” She pointed with a thumb towards her house and smiled lopsidedly. “I’m just going to go,” she said, turning and crunching her way up the drive.

Drake watched her until she had disappeared inside the house. Then he watched for a few seconds more, in case she came back out again.

When he was sure she wasn’t going to, he turned and looked in both directions along the leafy street. “Right, then,” he muttered, recognising nothing. “How the Hell do I get home?”

Drake lowered himself on to the fourth seat. It had been pulled into place at the rickety table, between Famine and Pestilence, and directly across from War. The three men barely paid him any notice as he sat down. Their attention, instead, was fixed on War’s hand. It crept slowly across the table, a short coil of red rope clutched between his trembling fingers.

“Careful,” Pestilence whispered, then he clamped a rubber-gloved hand over his mouth to stop himself saying any more.

“Of course I’ll be careful,” War said through gritted teeth. “I’m being careful.”

War took a deep, steadying breath, then he – carefully – hooked the rope in place. The Horsemen of the Apocalypse watched, none of them daring to speak a word until—

“Buckaroo! ” cried Famine, as the plastic donkey kicked its back legs, showering the tabletop with a selection of brightly coloured bits of plastic.

“Bugger it,” War muttered. He looked up and met Drake’s withering gaze.

“You quite finished?” Drake asked.

“Aye, well, we are now,” War said. “You here to start your training?”

“I don’t know,” Drake said. He leaned back in the chair. “I want you to explain it all to me first.”

Pestilence cleared his throat. “Right, well, you see the donkey there?”

“Not Buckaroo,” Drake said. “I meant explain...” He gestured around at the shed. “Everything.”

“I know,” said Pestilence, smiling sheepishly. “Just my little joke.” He began packing the game away into its battered box.

“Where do you want me to start?” War asked.

“Start at the beginning.”

War shrugged, rolled his eyes and stroked his beard all at once. “Fair enough,” he said. “In the beginning God created the heaven and the earth. And the earth was without form, and void; and darkness was upon the face of the deep. And the spirit of God moved upon the face of the waters.”

Drake frowned. “What are you talking about?”

“And God said, ‘Let there be light,’ and there was light,” War continued. “And God saw the light, that it was good: and God divided the light from the darkness.”

“Right, stop, stop,” Drake said. “What are you on about?”

“Genesis, chapter one,” War replied. “You said to start from the beginning. Want me to keep going?”

“Is that the Bible?”

“Aye,” said War flatly. “That’s the Bible.”

“Well, what are you telling me that for?” Drake asked.

“Because we’re Biblical characters,” War said. “You said ‘start at the beginning’, so I was starting at the beginning.”

Drake snorted. “Biblical characters? Come off it. The stuff in the Bible’s not real.”

There was silence in the shed. Drake looked round at three equally reproachful expressions. “It’s not, is it?” he asked weakly.

“Of course it’s real,” War growled. “It’s all true. Well,” he added hastily, “some of the translation didn’t work out too well, but most of it’s close enough.”

“What... Noah’s ark, the Ten Commandments, all that stuff actually happened?”

“Well, there are only four commandments, really,” Pest said. “And they’re more suggestions than what you’d call actual commandments, but yes.”

A nervous grin spread across Drake’s face. “Nah!” he said. “You’re having a laugh.”

“What’s so difficult to believe?” Pestilence asked. “I mean, we’re the Four Horsemen of the Apocalypse—”

“Three Horsemen,” Drake said firmly. “You’re the Three Horsemen of the Apocalypse, plus me.”

“Well, whatever,” said Pestilence, waving a gloved hand. “The point is, we’re living proof that it’s all true.”

“Or you’re three lunatics living in a shed in la-la land,” Drake said.

“Three lunatics with a flying horse,” War said gruffly. “It didn’t fly, it galloped,” Drake reminded him, although he had to admit the horse going airborne was a difficult one to explain away. “And what about those metal ball things? Don’t tell me they were from the Bible too.”

War shifted in his seat. “No, they weren’t. We’re still looking into that one.”

“Looking into it? They nearly killed me!”

“Aye, nearly. But they didn’t, thanks to me. A wee bit of gratitude wouldn’t go amiss.”

“Thank you?” Drake spluttered.

War nodded. “Don’t mention it.”

There was a crunching sound to Drake’s right. He turned to find Famine cramming popcorn into his mouth with butter-soaked fingers. “Don’t mind me,” Famine said, spilling a mouthful of half-chewed kernels down his front. “Carry on. It’s entertaining, this.”

Drake looked away as Famine began scooping the popcorn mush from his stained tracksuit top and licking it from his fingertips.

“Forget the balls for a minute,” War said. “Think about the bigger picture. Heaven. Hell. It’s all real.”

“And not just Heaven and Hell, neither,” Pestilence said. “It’s all about belief, see?”

“Don’t confuse him,” War said. “Let him get his head round one thing at a time.”

“No, tell me it all,” Drake insisted. “I want to know.” Pestilence’s eyes darted in War’s direction. Eventually, War gave a shrug. “Right, fire on.”

“OK, well, you know parallel dimensions?” Pestilence began enthusiastically. “The idea that there are these other realities running alongside this one, sort of the same, but a bit different?”

“Like, alternate universes and stuff?” Drake asked. “Yes, exactly!” Pestilence clapped. “Well, it’s all complete nonsense. There’s only this universe.”

“Oh,” said Drake. “Then why are you telling me?”

“Because there’s only this universe, but there are many afterlives. There are no parallel Earths, but there are parallel afterlives.”

“I don’t follow.”

“There’s Heaven and Hell, obviously,” Pestilence continued, “you know about them. But there’s also Valhalla, afterlife of the Vikings; the Greeks had Hades and the River Styx and all that... Which reminds me, Mount Olympus, where the Greek Gods live – you will love it! Trust me.” Pestilence pressed a hand to his chest, as if clutching at his heart. “It’s gorgeous. Do you like wrestling? If you like wrestling, then—”

“No, I don’t like wrestling,” Drake interjected. “Can we crack on?”

“Right, sorry,” Pestilence said breathlessly. “Well, let’s see, there’s Yaxche, the cosmic tree of contentment where Mayans believed they would spend all eternity relaxing in the sun. There’s Adlivun, the undersea domain of Sedna, the She-Cannibal.”

“Sedna the She-Cannibal?”

“Oh yeah, she imprisons the souls of the wicked, apparently,” Pestilence shrugged. “We’ve never met her, but by all accounts she’s a right cow.” He looked to the others for help. “Who believes in her again?”

“What do you call ’em?” slobbered Famine. “The ice ones.”

“Polar bears?” Drake guessed.

“Inuit,” War grunted.

“That’s the one,” Pestilence said. “The Inuit people believe in Sedna, and other people believe in other things,” he continued, “and here’s the thing: they’re all right. All of them. All those things exist, and they exist because enough people believe – or believed – that they exist. It’s like they say, ‘Faith can make mountains’.”

A hazy, half-remembered Sunday School lesson raised its hand at the back of Drake’s mind. “I thought it was move mountains?”

“Bad translation,” War grunted. “You can’t move a mountain, I don’t care how much faith you’ve got. Once you stick a mountain down, it’s going nowhere.” He glanced briefly at Pestilence. “You might as well tell him the rest.”

Pestilence gave a cough and cleared his throat again. He smiled self-consciously, and Drake saw a red rash spread up the horseman’s neck. It was either embarrassment or psoriasis, Drake couldn’t tell which.

“Faith can make... other things too,” Pestilence began. “If enough people believe in something, then, sooner or later, it’ll turn up.”

Drake wasn’t following. “Like what?”

“Well,” Pestilence said, giving the word two syllables, “you’ve probably heard of the Tooth Fairy.”

Drake blinked. He looked across the faces of the three men, expecting to see them trying to contain their laughter. Instead, their expressions were deadly serious.

“There’s not a Tooth Fairy.”

“Yes, there is,” Pestilence said.

“No, there isn’t,” Drake insisted. He looked at War. The giant nodded his confirmation. “Right,” Drake scoffed. “And I suppose there’s an Easter Bunny too?”

Pestilence shot Famine an accusatory look. “Well... there was.”

“What? Not this again,” the fat man protested. “He was made out of chocolate!”

“He was carrying chocolate,” War said. “There’s a big difference.”

“Not from where I was standing,” Famine mumbled. He rubbed his blubbery stomach and stared wistfully into space, lost in a fond memory.

“Anyway, all these afterlives and mythological kingdoms,” Pestilence continued, “they’re all separate, but they’re all connected. Certain beings – of which you are now officially one, yay! – can travel between them.”

“I don’t believe that,” Drake said. He crossed his arms across his chest.

“Which bit?” Pestilence asked.

“Any of it. All of it, whatever,” Drake told him. He shrugged. “I don’t believe any of what you just said.”

War’s chair scraped across the floor. He stood up, but had to duck his head to avoid bumping it against the roof. “Right, then, in that case we’ll just have to prove it.” He looked down at Drake. The small patch of face Drake could see behind the big man’s beard seemed to darken.

“Tell me,” War growled. “What do you know about Limbo?”