Kai nodded as if he understood. Another boy might have pushed himself on me or tried to change my mind. Kai simply covered the small hole I had dug, patting the sand back into place. “Want to see the rest of the site?” he asked.
He took my hand, and we continued our tour of the dry hills and dusty grounds. He showed me the tiny lizards that lived deep in the sand and were able to withstand the winter. He pushed aside broken pilings and showed me colonies of ants that feasted off water in the decayed wood. But nothing else made any impression on me during the rest of our afternoon together at the old mill. Later I would regret not asking him more. Part of me wished we could go back to the moment before the kiss. He had become my closest friend—my only real friend besides Will, if I was honest—and I worried what would happen to that friendship if we kept on. But the other part of me felt old enough to continue. He was the first boy for whom I’d felt anything but curiosity, and I didn’t know then how to speak my mind about the things I wanted.
It was getting dark by the time we made our way to Kai’s building, and I knew my father would not want me cycling home. I called him from the lobby to pick me up. Kai apologized for not inviting me inside, but I understood. Germs spread more easily indoors, and it wasn’t worth alarming his neighbors.
We waited together downstairs. Kai’s father remained upstairs. The security guards kept their distance. There was a single hard-backed chair, and Kai offered it to me, but I was content to keep standing. An old digital clock on the wall kept time. Minutes blinked slowly past. The intimacy we had shared in the abandoned ruins felt as far away as the buildings themselves. It was as if Kai weren’t there, even though he was standing right next to me. I listened intently and could just hear him breathing. I wondered whether he was embarrassed that he had kissed me and wished he hadn’t. Then I wondered if the kiss had been any good and if he had kissed many other girls. But he was staring off into the distance, and all I could see in front of him were the walls of the building and a bank of security lights. The lights blinked and flickered, sending their coded messages into the night.
“Kai,” I finally said.
“Yes?”
We heard a car honk outside.
“It’s my father,” I told him.
“Will I see you tomorrow?”
“Sure.”
“Tomorrow, then.”
My concerns were silly, I told myself as I ran out the door. Kai wasn’t upset or disappointed. He was just naturally distracted, like a boy who listened to a different voice. And I knew he trusted me; he had shown me the underground spring. Maybe I wasn’t ready to be his girlfriend, but that didn’t mean I had to stop seeing him. It didn’t mean either that we knew what the weeks or months ahead would bring. I wouldn’t be fifteen forever.
That night I told Will nearly everything—except the part about the kiss. I was certain Kai didn’t want me to keep a secret from Will. He was my brother, after all. But Will didn’t believe me. Everyone knew there was no water for miles, he insisted. We must have come upon a leaking cistern or a buried tank. Will raised his voice, and I raised mine back, and the fight ended with our father coming upstairs to separate us. I decided Will wasn’t worth telling anyway. I didn’t care about his opinion. It was just as well he didn’t believe me.
But the next morning, Will asked about the spring again. I repeated what I had told him, and this time he seemed interested.
“Let’s go see it,” he said.
“We’ve got school.”
“After school.”
“It’s behind the old mill.”
“We don’t have to say where we’re going.”
I nodded. Of course I wouldn’t say anything to our father. Will knew that. He pursed his lips and solemnly shook my hand. I understood then—he was jealous that Kai had shown me the spring. But if he suspected anything else, he didn’t let on.
The school day seemed to take forever. Every word the teachers said hung in the air as if coated with thick paste. I tried to get my mind around the words, but they landed back on my desk with a splat. They were unrecognizable, and my brain was dulled with the effort of trying to discern their meaning. I forced myself to sit upright, but all I could think about was showing Will that patch of wet earth.
Finally the bell rang, and with a whoop, the kids raced down the hallway. Normally I took my time gathering my belongings, but today I joined the others in the mad dash for the buses.