Far too many new emotions filled me to be easily discredited: shame for remaining silent and gratitude at being neither judged nor disbelieved when I did speak up; a strange peace about my years on the island mixed with a lingering shame. I had admitted to them what I had seen in the cabin, but not that I had strongly suspected Marcus. If I had told them that at the time, they could have arrested him themselves the night we returned.
The needling memory of Medellan only made my mistake worse. There, too, I had hesitated to share vital knowledge with the royals. My unease about my welcome in their tents had led me to make what may have been a significant delay. And now I had done the same thing again: I had hesitated, not sure where to place my trust, and the consequences in this case had been definite. I didn’t like making the same mistake twice.
And over it all, a giddy feeling that swirled in my stomach whenever I looked at Frederic and remembered his strong arm around my waist as he threw me playfully into the air. In some ways, that was the most troubling emotion of all, since I had no right to feel it.
For several days we made our leisurely way down the coast. We were to be deposited further south, although not as far south as Largo, to make our way from the coast into the jungle. Once we had visited a string of towns in the jungle, we would emerge on the eastern side of Lanover and visit one of the tribes of nomadic desert traders. From there we would travel to Largo and rejoin the royal yacht.
It wasn’t lost on me that the Tour was retracing the steps of my life. And the memory brought with it a new anxiety. So far, the royals had shown me remarkable trust. But what would happen when they saw the same pattern repeated over and over—the only constant, me?
I hated that I still didn’t trust them not to turn on me, but I could no more erase my fear than I could cease breathing. The more I allowed myself to relax around them, the more it would hurt when Celine, or Frederic, or even Cassian, looked at me with that shadow of doubt in their eyes. And the thought lingered that perhaps they would be right to do so. What sort of person couldn’t fit into even a single community in a kingdom of this size?
But emotions like these were more than troubling—they were also exhausting. And as we sailed, I let them blow away on the breeze, choosing to relax and enjoy the sun and sea instead. This was how I had survived everything life had thrown at me so far, by refusing to give it space in my mind. I had one small perfect slice of life on this ship, and I refused to spend it alone and worrying.
Celine dared a young lieutenant, an old friend of hers apparently, to race her to the top of the mast, and she would have fallen to her death in her haste if he hadn’t caught her. Entirely undaunted, she challenged him again the next day and was only stopped by Cassian stepping in and telling the boy, Tom, that he must on no account accept.
“Climb all you like,” he told his sister, “but please desist with this racing business. I, for one, have no wish to inform our parents that their baby has broken her neck through her own foolishness.”
Celine promised laughingly to leave a fish head in his bunk for spoiling her sport but otherwise accepted his criticism with unexpected cheerfulness. Tom looked more than relieved, and I felt a little sorry for the young man. That is, until I found the two of them the next day lowering themselves down the outside of the ship with ropes to let their feet dip into the water.
I was still goggling over the edge, trying to decide what, if anything, I should do, when Frederic strolled over to join me.
“What has you so fascinated…oh.” He sighed. “She was a surprising help in the rebellion last year, but Celine doesn’t do well with boredom.”
I suppressed a laugh and looked at him through my lashes. I could hear in his voice how much the last rebellion still hurt him. He and his father had uncovered and dismantled it in the end, but not in time to prevent the rest of their family from hurtling into greater danger than he himself had faced. I knew him well enough already to know how that would sting. How he would feel he had failed.
“Shall we spoil their fun?” I asked.
Frederic looked at me and then shook his head. “I’m tempted to cut the ropes myself and let her swim to shore.” The laugh in his eyes betrayed the words, and I remembered how satisfying his actual laugh had sounded.
“Come now,” I said reprovingly. “You couldn’t do that to poor Tom. You must know this is not his idea, and he faces discipline from a senior officer at any moment. You should rather grant him your clemency.”
Frederic grinned. “Are you teasing me, Evie? You do know I’m a prince, do you not? We are far too important to be teased.”
I leaned over the edge again, directing my eyes downward significantly as an unusually large wave splashed over Celine and sent her spinning on her ropes, laughing wildly. “Yes, I’ve observed the overbearing dignity of the royal family and immediately apologize for my impudence.”
He chuckled this time, and my heart thrilled.
“Are we anything like you expected, Miss Seamstress?”
I bit my lip, not wanting to turn the conversation serious if he was still joking around. But something in his eyes encouraged me to answer honestly.
“Nothing at all, so far.”
“So far,” he said softly. “So we still need to prove ourselves to you.”
I flushed at having so revealed myself. “Of course not!” I rushed to say, the lie heavy on my lips. How could I tell a prince that an orphaned commoner without name or family required more from him than he had already given?
An urgent need to tell him something at least of the truth overwhelmed me. “It’s my fault that Marcus got away,” I said in a rush before I could change my mind.
Frederic raised both eyebrows but waited in silence for me to gather my next thought. “I knew someone had acted against Julian. And I strongly suspected that Marcus had scuttled the boat in an attempt on his cousin’s life. It never occurred to me he could have any deeper motive or that any harm could come of my silence. But that doesn’t change the fact that I was wrong. And that if I had spoken, you would have been able to prevent Marcus’s banishment before it happened.”
Frederic sighed. “If we can be blamed for a failure to foresee the future, then I am as guilty as you and of greater crimes.”
I bit my cheek. I hadn’t intended to bring up his own regrets. When he looked at me, I looked away, unable to hold his gaze.
“Tell me Evie,” he said quietly, “why did you hold back on your knowledge and your suspicions? You owed no loyalty to the viscount or his family. And to Marcus least of all.”
I flushed again. So he had worked out who it was on the island who scared me, despite my earlier restraint in not naming him. And he was calling me out on my mistake. After all of my experiences with them, I should have trusted the royals above any member of the viscount’s family. I shouldn’t still be wondering when they, too, would let me down. And yet I was.
After a moment of silence, he sighed again. “No, don’t answer that. You’ve already said why.” He paused again before laying a hand on my arm.
I tried to ignore the thrill that raced through me at his touch.
“I do not know everything in your past, Evie, and I have no right to demand such knowledge from you. But I will show you that you can trust me. That much I can do.”
I flushed again, still not meeting his eyes.
When I said nothing, he turned to leave before pausing and looking back at me.
“And I can protect you from Marcus, that much I can do. He will never touch you, Evie.”
His words echoed in my head long after he was gone. That he was trustworthy I wanted to believe was true. That he would do his best to protect us all from Marcus I did not doubt. But over my past he had no protective power. Some things could not be changed, however much we willed them.
The next day we made landfall, and the day after that we slept in our first jungle village. The moist, heavy air and dense greenery bore down on me, a sticky web that I could not escape. The islands had proven to hold unexpected happy memories. The jungle brought back only misery.
Chapter 15