“Of course not.”
My face must have looked stricken, because Diana focused in on me in the rearview mirror. “You’re going to be fine. It’s just a party.”
“I know,” I said, and laughed. Just a party. As if I even knew what that meant.
Diana got out of the car, waiting for me to exit before locking it, but not waiting for me to catch up as she walked down the beach toward the fire.
“I’ll find you later,” I said to her back, her long red hair swinging behind her. I hated how my voice sounded, so desperate, pathetic. I hated that Diana’s hair swung naturally and mine was a spell meant to imitate hers. I even hated Ari a little bit for holding back from us so determinedly. Those were the things I loved about Diana and Ari, though, too. Diana’s naturalness. She was unaffected. Ari’s stubborness. She had guts. The spell let them be themselves—that was what was so great about it. Nonintrusive. Harmless, really.
Diana melted into the crowd, and I stood alone on the edge. I should’ve been used to it—it was, after all, my entire life before Diana and Ari—but I was meant to be with people. Alone, I disappeared.
I got a half-foam beer from the keg, poured by one of Markos Waters’s older brothers, and watched Diana and Ari from the sidelines. Diana walked off with Markos. A punk girl in a black coat watched Ari. Mina was there, too, wearing a thrift-store men’s shirt as a dress, talking to some people from her grade.
When she saw me, she made her way to me through the crowd.
“Hey, Katelyn, what’s—”
“What are you doing here?”
Mina laughed. “I’m here for the bonfire. Just like you.”
“You’re not staying, though, are you?”
“Why not?”
“Because this is my party.”
She looked around. “It looks like everyone’s party.”
“You know what I mean.”
“Actually, I don’t. What’s going on, Katelyn?”
“My name is Kay.”
“Oh, well, nice to meet you, Kay. Have you seen my sister? She used to be such a nice girl. . . . I wonder where she could’ve gone. . . .”
“Har har. Please, Mina. Just leave me alone.”
I could see her throat constrict in her too-thin neck. “Why?”
“Because for one night I don’t want to be Mina Charpal’s little sister. Okay?”
I couldn’t see her eyes in the dark. Firelight flashed off her piercings as she nodded. “Fair enough.”
She threw her plastic cup onto the ground and turned away. I expected her to drift into conversation with someone, but she waved goodbye to a couple people and then started walking up the dune and toward the parking lot.
Well, I’d asked her to leave me alone. This was good.
Mina walking away. I should’ve been used to it.
As I watched her go, a guy stumbled and bumped into me and I dropped my cup. He apologized quickly, then looked into my face. I had to stop myself from wincing, because sometimes I forget I’m beautiful now.
“I’m Cal!” he practically shouted. “Cal Waters. Are you in Markos’s class?”
“Yeah. I’m Kay.”
“Have we met? I feel like I would have remembered you.”
I looked up at Cal. He was handsome. He was a Waters. That meant something.
“I’m Kay,” I said, stupidly, again.
“Oh-Kay,” he said, laughed, and flicked a silver lighter to light a cigarette. “Can’t believe I wouldn’t remember someone who looked like you.”
He was drunk. Diana and Ari would warn me away, probably—Ari would make fun of him to his face and Diana would whisper jokes in my ear.
But Diana and Ari weren’t there. Maybe I needed to make some new friends.
I smiled my now-flawless smile and touched Cal’s arm like I’d seen other girls do.
“You can remember me now,” I said.
Win died and everyone around me got simultaneous lobotomies. No, that wasn’t right. What happened was this: Win died and I became the only person in this entire town whose congenital lobotomy spontaneously reversed itself. I could see everything they couldn’t. Win dying opened my eyes.
Or maybe that’s not exactly it, either. It sounds like some hippie shit. Here’s what probably happened: Win died and I was the only person who cared enough to know what the hell that meant.
Win was dead. See, I could say it right out loud. Dead. I no longer had a best friend and never would again. You couldn’t be best friends except with someone who knew you forever, since before you could remember.