Chapter 21
I can’t do this.
Seven years, seven great purposes.
It was a fantasy, a fairy story, a fool’s errand. What Gavin wanted was impossible.
He lay next to Karris, close enough to share body heat. He’d slept fitfully, as always, had nightmares, as always. Last night, no doubt because of his waking fears about losing blue, he’d dreamed of his brother escaping the blue hell. He shook it off, ignored the stabbing pain and tightness in his chest. Dawn was close. Karris would wake any minute, and she would move away. They would get up; they would work. Sooner or later, the people of this island would either come to stop him or to talk. If they came to kill him, they would come at night. With dawn coming, he thought it unlikely they would attack now. Gavin would live another day.
The first of his purposes was easy enough, though he’d persistently failed: tell the whole truth to Karris. When the city had fallen to the Color Prince, he’d almost abandoned the second: saving the people of Garriston who had suffered so much because of him. Now that salvation was within sight. Other purposes, he had achieved: learning to travel faster than any man alive; undermining certain Colors on the Spectrum, the ruling council of the Chromeria. Others were still in process. All except telling Karris the truth ultimately built toward one goal, one grand design that he barely even dared to think about, lest somehow thinking it would make it even more impossible than it already was. As if, in thinking it, he would spill the secret and it would escape beyond his grasp forever.
He owed his dead little brother Sevastian better. He owed his mother better. He owed Gavin better.
He wasn’t sure, even as he thought it, if by “Gavin” he meant himself, or his brother.
Karris snuggled close to him, but the very movement seemed to raise her consciousness above the waterline, and she started. He breathed evenly, feigning sleep. She pulled back, scooted away gently so as not to wake him. She might hate him—deservedly so—but she was still kind. It was one of the things he loved about her.
He’d held her while she mourned her brother last night. Held her until she slept, and then got up and kept watch. He’d envied her tears even as it warmed him and made him ache for her. He’d envied her for clean grief for a dead brother rather than his horror and guilt over a living one. No wonder he’d dreamed about Dazen when it had been his turn to sleep. Regardless, last night changed nothing between them. He expected a brusque thank-you today, if anything. Then things would be back to normal.
Except normal couldn’t hold. Karris wasn’t stupid: pretty soon she’d notice that he couldn’t draft blue. And her questions had already been unsettling.
The truth was, all his purposes were focused in one direction, except for the one about telling Karris the truth, which ran directly opposite. Karris was the greatest threat to his plans. And she was immune to flattery or pressure. She had nothing but her own sense of justice. If she thought ruining him was the right thing to do, she’d do it regardless of the cost.
The smart thing to do was to treat her like any other obstacle, and take her out.
It didn’t mean killing her. He could take her to one of the outer islands, where even merchants came only once a year, and simply leave her there. Then whatever happened with him, she couldn’t interfere. But stealing a year of the life of a woman who had, quite likely, only five years left to live was no small offense.
He sat up. This was going nowhere.
Karris was just coming back from making water in the woods.
“Any itch weed?” Gavin asked.
She blushed, remembering that misadventure. “I’m a touch more careful about that these days.”
“Once bit twice shy, eh?” Gavin asked, standing and stretching. He had to go make water himself.
“In some things.” She had an odd look in her eyes.
He stepped into the woods and started to urinate. It had been awkward, fifteen years ago, to have someone standing two paces away while he relieved himself. Having Blackguards protect him made him have to get over that fast. Especially when they traveled in wilderness, a Blackguard wasn’t going to let him out of her sight.
“Gavin? Thank you,” Karris said.
Gavin pissed. He knew better than to talk, better than to laugh in amusement at being right. He cleared his throat. “So, you figure this Third Eye is going to come today?” he asked.
“Safe bet,” Karris said, voice suddenly tense. He heard her pistol cocking.