The Arctic Incident

CMNDR ROOT. TRBLE BELOW. HAVN OVERRN BY GOBLNS. PLICE PLAZA SRROUNDED. CUDGEON

+ OPL KBOI BHND PLOT. NO WPONS R CMMUNICATIONS. DNA CNONS CNTRLLED BY KBOI. I M TRPPED IN OP BTH. CNCL THNKS IM 2 BLM. IF ALIVE PLSE HLP. IF NOT, WRNG NMBR.



Holly swallowed, her throat suddenly dry. “This is not good.” The commander jumped to his feet, grabbing the cell phone. “No,” he declared moments later. “It certainly isn’t.

Cudgeon! All the time it was Cudgeon. Why didn’t I see it? Can we get a message to Foaly?”

Artemis considered it. “No. There’s no network here. I’m surprised we could even receive.”

“Couldn’t you rig it somehow?”

“Certainly. Just give me six months, some specialized equipment and three miles of steel girder.”

Holly snorted. “Some criminal mastermind you turned out to be.”

Butler placed a gentle hand on her shoulder.

“Shh,” he whispered. “Artemis is thinking.”

Artemis stared deep into the glow cube’s liquid plasma heart.

“We have two options,” he began after a moment. Nobody interrupted, not even Holly. After all it had been Artemis Fowl who devised a way to escape the fairy time field.

“We could get some human aid. No doubt some of Butler’s more dubious acquaintances could be persuaded to help, for a fee of course.”

Root shook his head. “No good.”

“They could be mind-wiped afterward.”

“Sometimes wipes don’t take. The last thing we need is mercenaries with residual memories. Option two?”

“We break into Koboi Laboratories, and return weapons control to the LEP.”

The commander guffawed. “Break into Koboi Laboratories? Are you serious? That entire compound is built on bedrock. There are no windows, and they have blast-resistant walls, and DNA stun cannons. Any unauthorized personnel who come within a hundred yards get blasted right between the pointy ears.”

Butler whistled.“Seems like a whole lot of hardware for an engineering company.”

“I know,” sighed Root. “Koboi Labs had special permits. I signed them myself.”

Butler considered it for several moments.

“Can’t be done,” he pronounced eventually. “Not without the blueprints.”

“D’Arvit,” swore the commander. “I never thought I’d say this, but there’s only one fairy for a job like this . . .”

Holly nodded. “Mulch Diggums.”

“Diggums?”

“A dwarf. Career criminal. The only fairy ever to break into Koboi Laboratories and live. Unfortunately, we lost him last year. Tunneling out of your manor, as it happens.”

“I remember him,” said Butler. “Nearly took my head off. A slippery character.”

Root laughed softly. “Eight times I nabbed old Mulch. The last one was for the Koboi Labs job. As I recall, Mulch and his cousin set up as building contractors. A way to get plans for secure facilities. They got the Koboi contract. Mulch left himself a back door. Typical Diggums, he breaks into the most secure facility under the planet, then tries to sell an alchemy vat to one of my squeals.”

Artemis sat up. “Alchemy? You have alchemy vats?”

“Stop drooling, Mud Boy. They’re experimental. The ancient warlocks used to be able to turn lead into gold, according to the Book, but the secret was lost. Even Opal Koboi hasn’t managed it yet.”

“Oh,” said Artemis, disappointed.

“Believe it or not, I almost miss that criminal. He had a way of insulting a person.” Root glanced toward the heavens. “I wonder if he’s up there now, looking down on us.”

“In a manner of speaking,” said Holly guiltily. “Actually, Commander, Mulch Diggums is in Los Angeles.”





CHAPTER 11





MULCH ADO ABOUT NOTHING


Los Angeles


Mulch Diggums was, in fact, outside the apartment of an Oscar-winning actress. Of course, she didn’t know he was there. And naturally he was up to no good. Once a thief, always a thief.

Not that Mulch needed the money. He’d done very well out of the Artemis Fowl siege. Well enough to take out a lease on a penthouse apartment in Beverly Hills. He’d stocked the apartment with a Pioneer entertainment system, a full DVD library, and enough beef jerky to last a lifetime. Time for a decade of rest and relaxation.

But life is not like that. It refuses to curl up and sit quietly in a corner. The habits of several centuries would not go away. Halfway through the James Bond Collection, Mulch realized that he missed the bad old days. Soon the penthouse suite’s reclusive occupant was taking midnight strolls. These strolls generally ended up inside other people’s homes.