“They do need you. You have no idea how badly they need you.” Finn turned away from me. “Without you, it will completely fall apart.”
“That doesn’t make any sense! I’m just one stupid girl who can’t even figure out which fork to eat with! I have no abilities. I’m awkward and silly and inappropriate, and that Kroner kid is much better suited for this. I don’t need to be here, and I’m not going to stay if you’re not here!”
“There is much you have yet to learn,” Finn said tiredly, almost to himself. He had started folding his clothes again, so I walked over to him and grabbed his arm.
“I want to be with you, and . . . I think you want to be with me.” I felt sick to my stomach saying it aloud. I expected him to laugh at me or tell me that I was insane, but instead, he slowly looked at me.
In a rare moment of vulnerability, his dark eyes betrayed everything they had been trying to hide from me: affection and warmth, and something even deeper than that. His arm felt strong under my hand, and my heart pounded in my chest. Gently he placed his hand on my cheek, letting his fingers press warmly on my skin, and I stared hopefully at him.
“I am not worth it, Wendy,” Finn whispered hoarsely. “You are going to be so much more than this, and I cannot hold you back. I refuse to.”
“But Finn, I—” I wanted to tell him more, but he pulled away.
“You have to go.” He turned his back to me completely, busying himself with packing so he wouldn’t have to look at me.
“Why?” I demanded, tears stinging my eyes.
“Because.” Finn picked up some of his books off a shelf, and I followed right behind him, unwilling to relent in my pursuit.
“That’s not a reason!”
“I’ve already explained it to you.”
“No, you haven’t. You’ve just made vague comments about the future.”
“I don’t want you!” Finn snapped.
I felt like I had been slapped. For a moment I stood in stunned silence, just listening to the sound of my heartbeat echo in my ears.
“You’re lying.” A tear slipped down my cheek. “You promised you would never lie to me.”
“Wendy, I need you to leave!” he growled.
He breathed heavily, with his back to me, but he had stopped moving around. He leaned against the bookshelf, his shoulders hunched forward.
This was my last chance to convince him, and I knew it. I touched his back, and he tried to pull away from me, but I wouldn’t move my hand. He whirled on me, grabbing my wrist. He pushed me until my back was against the wall, pinning me there.
His body pressed tightly against mine, the strong contours of his body against the soft curves of mine, and I could feel his heart hammering against my chest. He still gripped my wrist, restraining one of my hands against the wall.
I wasn’t sure what he intended to do, but he looked down at me, his dark eyes smoldering. Then suddenly I felt his lips press roughly against mine.
He kissed me desperately, like he couldn’t breathe without me. His stubble scraped against my cheeks, my lips, my neck, everywhere he dared press his mouth against me. He let go of my wrist, allowing me to wrap my arms around him and pull him even closer.
Seconds ago I had been crying, and I could taste the salt from my tears on his lips. Tangling my fingers in his hair, I pulled his mouth more eagerly against mine. My heart beat so fast it hurt, and an intense heat spread through me.
Somehow he managed to pull his mouth from mine. His hands gripped my shoulders, holding me to the wall, and he took a step back. Breathing hard, he looked at the floor instead of at me.
“This is why I have to go, Wendy. I can’t do this to you.”
“To me? You’re not doing anything to me.” I tried to reach out for him, but he held me back. “Just let me go with you.”
“Wendy . . .” He lifted his hand back to my cheek, using his thumb to brush away a fresh tear, and looked at me intently. “You trust me, don’t you?”
I nodded hesitantly.
“Then you have to trust me on this. You need to stay here, and I need to go. Okay?”
“Finn!”
“I’m sorry.” Finn let go of me and grabbed his half-packed suitcase off his bed. “I stayed too long.” He started walking to the door, and I ran after him. “Wendy! Enough!”
“But you can’t just leave . . .” I pleaded.
He hesitated at the doorway and shook his head. Then he opened the door and left.
I could’ve followed him, but I didn’t have any more arguments. His kiss had left me feeling dazed and disarmed, and I wondered dimly if that had been his plan all along. He knew his kiss would leave me too weak to chase after him and too confused to argue with him.
After he had gone, I sat down on the bed, which still smelled like him, and started to sob.
TWENTY-ONE
the ball