I sat still underneath him as I continued to touch him, his body still under my caress, relaxing further with each touch as his breathing lengthened and I was sure he was asleep.
I sat in the dark as I listened to Ilyan’s breathing—the deep, calming tempo of everyone’s breathing relaxing—but it was Ilyan’s that moved through me, that rocked me. I could feel the calming pulse of his heart. I could hear the sleepy fragments of his thoughts as his dreams flowed through me. I heard our song in his mind as he slept, my lips humming through the silence as I joined him, my heart swelling at the depth of the connection we shared.
I had never felt so calm. Nothing had ever felt so right.
I closed my eyes as I finished the song, letting the warmth of the fire that still blazed among the rocks kiss my face.
“Does he make you happy?” The voice came out of nowhere. It was so familiar that it should have been calming, yet it only had the opposite effect.
My spine stiffened as my eyes snapped toward Ryland, his body so still he could have been sleeping, but I had heard his voice, and I would know it anywhere.
Waves of impregnated fear washed over me, the emotions strong as I pushed them away, knowing that now was not the time for a fight, and agitating Ryland would only end in disaster.
“Yes,” I answered, my voice tight as I tried to keep my anger at bay.
“I can tell,” Ryland said, his voice just as relaxed as before. He sighed and turned onto his back, his body flopping over as his eyes stayed focused above him into the hard, black of the roof of the cave. I was glad he didn’t look at me; I didn’t think that either of our emotional instabilities could handle that right now.
I looked away from him, careful to keep my focus on the fire, even though I could still see him, just in front of me through the flames. I just looked, not knowing what else to say, secretly hoping that he would fall back to sleep.
“The way you look at him, the way he looks at you, it’s different than with us. It’s better.” Ryland’s voice remained calm. He spoke casually and the fear that had stiffened my spine relaxed, the tone of his voice giving me hope that maybe we could share a real conversation; that maybe things could get better. “He’s made you better.”
“Is that a good thing?” I whispered. Even though I knew better than to egg him on, right then I couldn’t help it. It seemed so natural, so much like how it used to be all those months ago.
“Yeah,” he said, the smile clear in his voice, and I couldn’t help it; I looked.
My eyes shot over to him just as his lips turned up, his eyes darting over to mine before returning to the ceiling, obviously worried that looking at me would ignite his monster. I understood the fear, I felt the same way. I looked away as fast as he did, my heartbeat accelerating as I tried desperately to calm it.
I focused on the beat, on slowing it down as the silence stretched between us. I could feel the thump, the fear, until it left, leaving a silence that made me wonder if we had somehow ruined our chance.
As much as I wanted to sit with him the way we used to, we still weren’t there. Not yet.
“You remember how your mom’s rolls were too bitter until Metta came along and showed her how to do it right?” He continued speaking as if nothing had happened, as if his eyes hadn’t turned black at seeing me, as if I hadn’t felt the need to kill him rise up in me. As if the silence hadn’t stretched between us for the past few minutes. “That’s how it is with you two.”
“Are you saying I’m bitter?” I asked, my voice snapping as the last of my fear and anger left me. Ryland didn’t seem to notice, however. He only laughed.
“No, I am saying that Ilyan has made you sweet. Perfect.”
“Do you mean that, or are you going to turn around and try to attack me?”
“I mean it.” His voice was so honest that it almost broke me into pieces, scattering me and my emotions across the cave floor.
I stiffened at the realization, at hearing him admit to something that had worried me so much. I knew I should have given him thanks—said anything—but I couldn’t. My shock had frozen all capable speech, and I looked toward him, careful to keep my breathing even as his eyes met mine.
My breath caught as his did, neither of us looking away, lost in each other’s eyes as we both battled the demons that lived inside of us. As I tried to ignore the scream to kill him that was echoing in my mind.
I swallowed and forced my eyes away, not trusting myself to push it even further.
“I won’t attack you, not right now,” he whispered, his voice even.
My fingers wrapped around Ilyan’s hand subconsciously, even though his fingers were limp in sleep. His magic responded to the contact, warming me, helping me.
“What changed?” I asked, my voice a gasp as my nerves swallowed it up.
“My father is too far away. The soul’s blade is too far away. He’s been using it against me, manipulating me.”