Satan Loves You

By the time he reached the exit from The Room, Michael was crawling on his hands and knees across the wet, steaming carpet. His lungs were seared and bleeding, there wasn’t an inch of his skin that wasn’t burned or bruised. Every pore of his body screamed in agony. Angels are ageless but Michael had aged in the time it had taken him to cross that benign-looking expanse of gray, corporate carpeting.

He reached up and grabbed the handle of the door, pushed it open and dragged himself into a plain, white cinderblock corridor. At the end was a metal door.

Michael started walking. The fact that the walls passed by at a normal rate of speed struck him with a bone-deep vertigo that threw him to his knees. He picked himself up and made it to the end of the hall. He knocked on the door.

“Come in,” a voice called from inside.

Michael pushed open the door and went inside to meet his Maker.



Satan’s testimony was over quickly. He had dreaded getting up on the stand, but the plaintiff’s lawyers had made it clear that they weren’t going to cross-examine him. They said it would be “unholy” for them to even talk to someone as evil as Satan, and so Nero called him as a witness, and he sat in the box. He was surprised by how different the courtroom looked from up here. Judge Cody Gold dispensed with swearing Satan in, saying that he would not participate in blasphemy.

“You have heard the arguments made against you,” Nero said. “And so I draw your attention to the plaintiff. Do you recognize this woman?”

“No,” Satan said.

“Look carefully,” Nero said. “After all, she’s accusing you of something that happened a long time ago.”

“I’ve existed since before the dawn of time,” Satan said. “It’s not actually that long ago for me.”

“You’re sure you don’t recognize her?”

“Absolutely not.”

“Did you molest this woman as she claims?” Nero asked.

“Well, the Eighties were kind of a bad time for everyone,” Satan said. “But I didn’t molest her.”

“Why should we believe that?” Nero asked.

“I don’t do that kind of thing,” Satan said. “A lot of people claim to be Satanists and start up Satanic cults but I don’t associate with them.”

“Never?”

“Never.”

“And why not?”

“I don’t have much interest in mortals,” Satan said. “But I especially don’t have much interest in losers. And, generally, people in cults are losers.”

“So you deny, unequivocally, that you molested Frita Babbit.”

“Unequivocally,” Satan said.

He and Nero had rehearsed this. Nero had walked him through it dozens of times until he knew the script backwards and forwards. But he was still nervous.

“Is your penis shaped like a pitchfork?” Nero asked.

This wasn’t in the script.

Satan shook his head.

“For the record?” Judge Cody Gold asked, leaning in.

“My penis,” Satan said, through gritted teeth. “Is not shaped like a pitchfork.”

“No further questions, your honor,” Nero said.



It was time for closing arguments.

Eddie Horton went first. He stood in front of the bench, and someone on his team pressed “Play” on a CD player and the soft sounds of “I Will Remember You,” by Sarah McLachlan began to play as Horton reviewed the facts of the case. And then he struck home.

“Ladies and gentlemen of the jury, every day there are over two hundred recorded cases of Satanic Ritual Abuse. With close to one million estimated Satan worshippers in this country there is a good chance that Satan is causing your child to be ritually abused right this minute. I want you to look at these pictures.”

He took a remote control out of his pocket and began to run through PowerPoint slides.

“This is Elian Gonzalez, this is Frankie Muniz, this is Dakota Fanning. Wonderful, talented child actors that never would have given us such heartwarming performances if they had been killed and/or eaten by Satan worshippers.

“You have been in this courtroom with Satan for over six days now. You have seen violence in the way he sits, you have seen the arrogance of his wardrobe, you have witnessed the sneering way he sometimes scratches the back of his neck. We have been in the presence of true evil and it has chilled my soul. I trust it has chilled yours, as well. Today you will be asked to go into the jury room and in private you will examine your consciences and decide on a verdict. I want to leave you with just one thought. When our Founding Fathers invented the justice system that we use today – the amazing justice system that lets us sue doctors for malpractice and pet store owners for selling us tiny dogs that turn out to be rats – when our Founding Fathers invented this system of law and order, did they do it because they loved Satan, or because they hated him? Think about it.”

He paused dramatically.

“Thank you.”

No one applauded, but Satan had seen a few jury members nodding in silent agreement during the speech. He didn’t know how Nero could counter this but, then again, Nero was a Roman Emperor, and Roman Emperors are not to be underestimated. Nero stood, threw the end of his dingy toga over one arm with a masterful flourish and strode to the center of the courtroom. He stood silently for a moment, feeling the vibrations of the room, and then he began to speak.

“Citizens of the jury,” he said. “ My heart bleeds for Frita Babbit. At an age when she should have been learning sacred songs and preparing for marriage, safe in the loving arms of her family, she was being robbed of her innocence. Who would do this to a child? Who would want to destroy a child’s soul? It is unthinkable.

“What does that word mean: unthinkable? It means, ‘I don’t want to think about it.’ You don’t want to think about it. None of us want to think about it. And so we don’t. Instead, we look for someone to blame. Someone outside of ourselves. Someone we don’ t know. The outsider. The other. Often, that person is Satan.

“And there he is. The Prince of Darkness. The Lord of Lies. Beelzebub. The Evil One. Sitting right here in this courtroom. God hated Satan, and he threw him out of Heaven for his sins of arrogance and pride. Satan tortures those we love in the afterlife. He imprisons their souls in Hell, his foul domain. He is the Corruptor. The Serpent. Surely, molesting children must be like eating popcorn for him.”

Satan tried not to move. Anything he did, even something as innocent as scratching his nose, could be taken as an admission of guilt. Anything he did would be used against him in this court of law. Still, he did think Nero was laying it on a bit thick.

“But, ladies and gentlemen of the jury, when you go into that room I want you to think about what you have heard here today in this courtroom. It is undoubtedly true that Frita Babbit was abused, perhaps terribly, and maybe even by sick individuals who used the name of Satan in their rituals. But this case is not about that. This case hinges on the allegation that Satan himself visited her three times, each time in the shape of a different animal, and each time with a penis shaped like a pitchfork. Satan has denied this. And that is the cornerstone of our defense.

“Many of you think Satan is lying, but I call your attention to the reputation of my client. There have been many, many stories both written and told about Satan, and every one of them revolves around one simple fact: Satan keeps his word. In your Book of Job, he makes a bargain with God and honors it, even when he loses. In your folktales and in your songs by the Charlie Daniels Band, Satan is always defeated because he makes a bargain and sticks to its terms even when they are not to his advantage. These stories and songs are not written by people who like Satan, they are written by his enemies. But even his enemies admit that Satan keeps his word. So if you think that Satan is lying to you, ask yourself this: Charlie Daniels wrote about a Satan who kept his word. Is Charlie Daniels a liar?”

Okay, Satan thought to himself, they were asking themselves questions now. This was better. He felt that subtle feeling that a door far, far away had opened, just a crack. Just a chink. But it was enough to give him hope. Satan knew better than anyone else that hope was dangerous, but he couldn’t help himself. It was growing in his heart.

“Some individuals here today have suggested that Satan be found guilty because he is Satan and because Satan by nature is inherently evil. The logic runs as follows: Satan is evil, and evil is bad, therefore if he is not guilty of this crime he is guilty of some other crime. But is it a crime to follow your nature?

“Evil is not some perversion forced upon a good and orderly universe. It is not some outside force. It is a necessary part of existence. Just as we would not know pleasure without having pain to compare it to, just as we would not know the feeling of contentment if we did not also have the feeling of want, so too would we not know God without also knowing Satan.

“If all in this world were holy goodness, mankind would merely exist, floating along on a sea of unthinking pleasure. The existence of evil requires us to consciously choose to do good, even when it is not easy. In fact, because it is not easy the act of choosing good is more heroic. Without evil, man would have no choice, his life would be one of lassitude and moral indifference. He would not do good because he chose to do good, but because he had no choice but to do good. Goodness would have no meaning. Satan causes Man to choose between good and evil and, yes, it is disagreeable to have evil in the world, but without evil, God has no meaning.

“As a great writer once said, ‘Even the existence of the Devil, is filled with the presence of God.’ Think about that. Why do you hate evil? To hate something implies that you fear it. Reject evil. Turn away from evil. But do not fear it. For if God created this universe, then did he not also create evil? And if God created evil, surely it must have been a part of his plan. Satan is God’s child, the same as you are, and you can no more hate him than you can hate your own shadow. Thank you for your time.”

There was silence in the courtroom for a moment, broken only by the sound of Nero’s voluminous toga rustling as he strode back to the defendant’s table and took his seat. A moment passed, and then, finally, Judge Cody Gold cleared his throat.

“That was the biggest load of liberal horseshit I have ever heard. What was that? Deep thoughts from your diary? I think he’s guilty. Prosecution, want to rebut?”

“Thank you, your honor,” Eddie Horton said.

He stood up and turned to the jury.

“They wouldn’t call it ‘Satanic Ritual Abuse’ if Satan wasn’t responsible. The prosecution rests.”

“See?” Judge Gold said. “Definitely guilty. Jury, what do you guys think?”

The jury foreman stood up.

“We could deliberate for a while to build suspense, but he’s going to be found guilty by a jury of his peers. You heard it here first.”

“So why drag it out? He’s Satan. He’s evil. He’s going down,” Judge Cody Gold said.

He banged his gavel.

“But, your honor,” the jury foreman said. “If there are any nude photographs of the plaintiff we would be very interested in studying them.”

“Are there any nudes?” Judge Cody Gold asked Eddie Horton. “I want copies if there are.”

“No, your honor,” Eddie Horton said. “The plaintiff regrets to inform you that there are no nudes she is willing to release at this time. She has signed a contract with Harper Collins and all her nude photographs are their property to use in her upcoming tell-all memoir.”

“Okay, so he’s guilty. Let’s string him up or something,” Judge Gold said.

“What about due process of the law?” Nero shouted.

“It’s always something with you, isn’t it,” Judge Gold said. “You’re as bad as my ex-wife. Always whining. You know what? Just for that I award the plaintiff twice her original claim. The judgment is now four hundred million dollars.”

“Your honor - “ Nero started.

“Again with the whining,” Judge Gold said. “Just for that, I’m going to make this an appeal by permission case. Which means any higher court can decide for no good reason not to hear your appeal. Ever. And I bet they won’t.”

“You’ve — you’ve screwed us!” Nero burst out.

“Screwed you?” Judge Gold roared. “ Bailiff, tase that lawyer. This isn’t screwing, this is justice! Now, where’s my press conference?”