The bouquet, no doubt plucked fresh from the palace greenhouse—white carnations for endearment, cheerful yellow acacia for friendship, and, unsurprisingly, lilac for new affections—tickles my nose as I peer around the blossoms for a glimpse of the smiling prince.
“They are. But never mind them.” He lowers the bouquet. “Read the invitation they come with. It’s far more important.” As his gaze sweeps over my face, whatever he sees there steals the sunshine from his deep brown eyes.
Clearing his throat, he adds in a far more solemn tone, “My birthday festival is tonight. I came to invite you in person . . .” His fingers touch my cheek for the briefest moment, hummingbird-light. “And to see how you’re holding up.”
I blink and look away, lost for words. When I raise my eyes again, Shadow Evander—often my only companion these days—stands behind the prince, pretending to kick Hadrien in the rear to make me laugh. I quickly bite my lip, resisting the urge to grin.
“Sparrow, do you need to sit? Can I—? Here.” Hadrien sweeps into the room, pulling out a chair and gently guiding me into it. “Do you need anything?” he asks, even as I shake my head. “Water, perhaps?”
Heat creeps back into my face as I remember yesterday’s disastrous visit to the apothecary. The potion made a fool out of me, and it’s threatening to do so again now, but I need it to keep the pain away. At this rate, I’m destined to become a public laughingstock.
“I’m fine.” I realize my sweaty palm is soaking the invitation he handed me, and I pull the creamy piece of parchment from its envelope. It smells clean, like sage. Like Hadrien. The scent clears my head a little.
“If you’re not feeling up to a party, I’ll understand,” Hadrien says, kneeling by my chair. “Just say the word, and we can pretend this invitation never found its way here. There’ll be other parties. Other invitations I can deliver in person.”
I press my lips together, lost for words. I’m only staying at the palace until I can keep my head clear long enough to know the real Shade when I see it, so I can be sure I’ve killed Evander’s murderer. And once the Shade is dead, I assume I will be, too.
I don’t know how to tell Hadrien that I’ll be wherever the real Evander is soon.
“I’ll be there,” I blurt, surprising myself as much as Hadrien.
“Are you certain?” He tilts his head, and when he meets my eyes, my breath catches in my throat. It might just be another hallucination, but the look he gives me reminds me of one Evander and I used to share when we were alone. “It would mean a lot to me.”
Behind him, Shadow Evander pretends to retch.
“Of course. It’s . . .” I lower my eyes to the invitation to avoid his earnest gaze. “Perfect timing.” Hadrien coughs, as though he doesn’t believe that for a moment, but I rush on, “I needed an excuse to wear my favorite party dress again, and you’ve delivered it.”
If he recognizes the false cheer in my voice, he makes no sign of it. He climbs to his feet, just to give me a deep bow.
Shadow Evander flashes me a look of betrayal. I know he’s not real, but he looks it, and my stomach aches as I feel like I’ve hurt him all over again.
“I’ve been losing sleep every night since it happened,” Hadrien says softly, jarring me back to reality. “I lie awake thinking of Master Crowther, and how we lost him far too soon. And Master Nicanor, too. I urged His Majesty to assign extra guards to patrol these halls and keep the rest of you safe, though they certainly didn’t prove their worth against the last Shade they met.” Admiration glints in his dark eyes as he adds, “You took care of that brilliantly on your own.”
I don’t know what to say to that. I never know what to say to Hadrien. I settle on, “I’d better bathe and change if I’m attending a party in a few hours. Unless you want me to show up in this.”
“You look perfect in everything.” The prince’s smile returns as I gesture at my tired black uniform. “My only birthday wish is to see your face tonight.”
I nod, once again unable to form words as my mind races.
“See you soon, sweet Sparrow,” Hadrien calls as he closes the door on his way out.
Shadow Evander aims a kick at the door in response.
“I need you, and you’re not here,” I whisper as he flickers and disappears beneath my bleary gaze. “I miss you. We all miss you.”
I think of Jax with a guilty pang. Shadow Evander’s look of betrayal would be far worse if he ever appeared in Jax’s darkened room to find us in the bed we now share out of desperation. “I love you. And I’m sorry.”
Tonight, I’ll put on the blue silk dress that drove Evander mad when we were in public and all he could do was hold my hand. And I’ll dance, and drink, and fake a smile for everyone who smiles at me.
Tonight, I’m going to live. One last time.
XII
A pounding on my door nearly causes me to drop my latest dose of potion.
“Sparrow, let’s go,” Jax calls. “I don’t want to miss the first batch of party food. We’ll be lucky if the Dead leave us scraps.”
I swallow the contents of the vial in one huge gulp, then try to tug my dress up to cover more of my chest even though I know it’s pointless. I shake my dark brown waves loose from the butterfly pin holding them up and let my hair fall over my shoulders. I grab a second vial from my stash and splash more blue liquid down my throat. I want to make sure Evander is within reach tonight.
As if reading my thoughts, he appears from behind my wardrobe, smiling appraisingly at my dress.
When I open the door to the hall, Jax is standing off to one side, staring at a painting of King Wylding in his shroud. If not for the crown, it could be a portrait of any of the Dead.
As usual, Jax has put on his finest for the royal celebration: black silk robes, his only adornments a longsword in a golden scabbard and his master necromancer’s sapphire pin.
I prop a hand on my hip. “What are you doing out here, anyway?” I assumed I’d see him at the party, hovering near the banquet tables or trying to outdrink the Dead.
Jax’s copper skin gleams in the torchlight of the hall as he turns to me, his eyes uncertain. “I thought we’d go together.” He shrugs. “If you’d rather go alone, I’ll give you five minutes’ head start.” He points to the left, down the hallway. “The party’s that way.”
“This isn’t . . .” I pause and lick my lips, struggling for words. I need Jax in a way I’ve never needed anyone before, but he can’t fill Evander’s place at my side. “This isn’t like that. We’re not like that.”
Jax scowls. “Like what? You mean we’re not friends anymore?”
I shake my head, relieved, and twine my arm around his. “Of course we are. Lead the way.”