I wish I could save them the trouble and heartache. But if they knew about my plans to go into the Deadlands and kill the Shade myself or die trying, they’d probably lock me in a room for all eternity and say it was for my own good.
So I’ll keep my silence until I leave. Just as soon as I stop taking these calming potions and have my wits about me. Because when I return to the Deadlands, I need to make sure I stay alive long enough to watch the monster die.
“Sparrow?” Kasmira’s voice cuts into my thoughts, making me wince. Her lips are pursed. When I meet her eyes, she gestures to the fire and asks, “Why don’t you say a few words?”
I stagger to my feet and take an unsteady step toward the fire. My throat is too tight to allow any words to come out, but I pull a crumpled piece of parchment from my back pocket. A map of Grenwyr Province, one Evander had been working on practically since we met, detailing all our favorite places. I clench my hand around the parchment until it’s little more than a tiny wrinkled ball and toss it into the flames, then fall to my knees in the grass as Evander’s dreams rise into the night sky on puffs of smoke, vanishing like the rest of him.
No one speaks again for a long while. Kasmira passes around a flask, but it’s too much effort to raise my hand to take it.
Eventually, she and the crew make their way back to the Paradise, and Simeon douses the fire before he and Danial stumble down the hill to bed. I sit in the cold grass, watching smoke from the fire’s ashes curl into the velvet black sky, until Jax climbs to his feet and offers me a hand. “Coming?”
I nod but push myself to my feet without his help. We trudge back to the palace as the sky lightens to a misty gray. And when faced with the choice of returning to my dark, empty room or following Jax into his, it doesn’t take long to decide.
“Sorry about the, uh, mess.” Jax kicks his spare cloak out of the narrow entryway. There’s another pile of clothes on his bed—unwashed, by the sharp, spicy scent of them—that he shoves aside to make a place for me to sit. Two lanterns flicker to life, then Jax grabs the wooden chair from his desk and sinks into it, facing the bed.
Hugging my knees to my chest and pushing my back against the wall, I try to get comfortable on the lumpy mattress. The lanterns don’t shine bright enough to illuminate the far corners of the room, which is just as well because it looks like Jax keeps his life’s belongings stashed in careless heaps.
I blink, realizing I can’t remember the last time I was in here.
Feeling Jax’s gaze on me, I clear my throat and point to the wardrobe at the back of the room. “You know, they gave you that so you could put your things inside it.”
He runs a hand through his raven hair, then shrugs. “Sorry.” Reaching out with his foot, he kicks a dagger under the bed. “It’s not usually this bad. I . . .” He swallows, and I brace myself for the sting of hearing Evander’s name. “Well, you know.”
My shoulders slump in relief. I follow Jax’s gaze to the stretch of wall beside the desk and suck in a breath at the number of holes punched there. Sure enough, when I peer at his right fist, his knuckles are raw.
Shivering, I climb to my feet. I shouldn’t be here, intruding on his grief. There’s nothing I can offer Jax, even though he’s been my friend almost my whole life. I’m all out of sympathy, and the last thing he needs is the added weight of someone else’s sorrow.
As I stride to the door, Jax hurries after me and puts a hand on my arm, gazing down at me from barely an inch away. His breath is hot on my chilled face. “You just got here.”
“That’s right. And now I’m going.” I tug my arm from his grasp. “Goodnight, Jax.”
My hand is on the door when he says roughly, “Odessa. Wait.”
I turn, and he drops his arms to his sides. I’ve never seen him like this, standing with his head bowed, his whole body shivering slightly as he struggles to raise his eyes to mine. Looking like I could wound him with a single word.
After a long and heavy moment of silence, he murmurs, “I miss him, too.”
“I know.” I have a strange urge to brush his hair out of his face. And maybe it’s the soothing potion wearing off, but I’m shaking as I reach up. My hand gets lost on the way to his hair, sliding over the roughness of his cheek and cupping the back of his neck.
We stare at each other, frozen like that until I find my voice. “I’m sorry. I don’t know what’s wrong with—”
“The same thing that’s wrong with me,” he growls as he grabs me by the waist and pulls me against him.
Together, we fall onto the bed. He searches for my lips for a hopeful moment, nuzzling my neck, but I shake my head even as I cling to him. He wraps his arms around me, clutching me against his chest as he clumsily strokes my hair with his bloodied hand.
We douse the torchlight, and Jax groans a little as I turn and press my back against his chest. “No,” I whisper as his straying fingers curl around the hem of my snug tunic. He returns his hands to holding me.
This isn’t love. I know this. But in Jax’s arms, I don’t feel completely alone. I can breathe better with his weight pressing against my back, with my legs twined around his, our hot skin separated only by the thin layer of our necromancer’s uniforms. I wrap my body in his copper skin stretched over hard muscle, wearing him like a shield against the rest of the world, and it makes the thought of living bearable again.
This isn’t love. This is just two people, shaking and sobbing together in the semidark, breathing hard in each other’s ears as we try to forget our worst nightmares.
This is survival.
*
I’m not sure how I got back to my room last night. All I know is that the noon sun hurts my eyes, and Princess Valoria looks like a fiery spirit silhouetted against the merciless blaze.
“Get up,” she says cheerily, like she’s talking to a child or a puppy. She pulls back my blankets and wrinkles her nose. “What’s that awful smell? Oh, Sparrow. That’s it. You’re coming with me.” She gives my hand a firm tug.
I bolt upright, suck in a breath, and wrap the sheets around me like a cloak to hide my nakedness before I realize I’m still wearing my uniform.
“What’re you doing here?” I demand groggily, running a hand through my tangled hair and getting my fingers stuck halfway down.
Valoria frowns, her doe-brown eyes shining behind her glasses. “I came to see how you were faring. And as it seems you’re in dire need of a bath, I’m here to escort you to the bathing house. You can use my private chamber, even.”
“Thanks.” I flop back down on the bed and pull the quilt over my head. “But no.”