As soon as they were done with sex, Jimmy would be nice to her again, and it was worth almost anything to have him when he was that way. When he was feeling all right and didn’t have anything to prove, he was the man she’d fallen for so hard, he was the one who could make nearly any woman believe whatever he wanted. It’s easy to forget what you do in the dark, if you need to. Gillian knew that other women thought she was lucky, and she agreed with them. She’d gotten confused, that’s what had happened. She’d started to accept that love had to be like this, and in a way she was right, because with Jimmy that’s the way it did have to be.
Gillian was so used to having someone get her down on her hands and knees first thing; she was so ready to be struck and then told she’d better suck hard, that she couldn’t believe Ben was spending this much time kissing her. All this kissing was making her crazy; it was reminding her of what she could feel, and how it could be when you wanted someone as much as he wanted you. Ben was about as different from Jimmy as anyone could be. He wasn’t interested in making anyone cry, then sweet-talking her afterward, the way Jimmy used to, and he didn’t need any help the way Jimmy always did. By the time Ben pulled her panties off, Gillian was completely weak in the knees. She didn’t give a damn about going into the bedroom, she wanted it there, she wanted it now. She no longer had to debate the possibility of being with Ben Frye; this relationship had already happened, she’d walked straight into it, and she wasn’t about to start walking away.
They made love for as long as they could, right there in the hallway, and then they went to Ben’s bed and slept for hours, as though they’d been drugged. As they were falling asleep, Gillian could have sworn she heard Ben say Fate—as if they were meant to be together from the start and every single thing they’d ever done in their lives had been leading to this moment. If you thought that way, you could fall asleep without regret. You could put your whole life in place, with all the sadness and the sorrow, and still feel that at last you had everything you’d ever wanted. In spite of the lousy odds and all the wrong turns, you might actually discover that you were the one who’d won.
When Gillian woke, it was evening and the room was dark, except for something that appeared to be a white cloud poised at the foot of the bed. Gillian wondered if she was dreaming, if perhaps she’d risen out of her body to float above herself and the bed she’d been sharing with Ben Frye. But when she pinched herself, it hurt. This was still her, all right. She ran her hand along Ben’s back, just to make certain he was real too. In fact, he was real enough to startle her; his muscles and his skin and the heat from his sleeping body made her want him all over again, and she felt foolish, like a schoolgirl who doesn’t stop to consider any consequences.
Gillian sat up, the white sheet pulled around her, and found that the cloud at the foot of the bed was nothing more than Ben’s pet rabbit, Buddy, who hopped into her lap. Only a few weeks ago, Gillian had been out in the Sonoran desert, her hands over her ears, as Jimmy and two of his friends shot prairie dogs. They killed thirteen of them, and Gillian had thought it was terrible luck. She’d gotten shaky and pale, too upset to hide it. Luckily, Jimmy was in a great mood, since he’d bagged more prairie dogs than his pals had, shooting eight, if you included the two babies. He came over and put his arms around Gillian. When he looked at her in this way, she understood why she’d been so drawn to him, and why she was still. He could make it seem as though you were the only person in the universe; a bomb could fall, lightning could strike, he simply would not take his eyes off you.
“The only good rodent is a dead rodent,” Jimmy had told her. He smelled of cigarettes and heat and was just about as alive as a human being could be. “Trust me on this. When you see one, shoot to kill.”
Jimmy would have gotten a good laugh catching her in bed with a rodent. Gillian pushed the rabbit away, then got up and found her way to the kitchen for a glass of water. She was disoriented and confused. She didn’t know what she was doing in Ben’s house, although it was surprisingly comfortable, with nice old pine furniture and shelves filled with books. Most of the men Gillian had been involved with had avoided the kitchen, some hadn’t even seemed to be aware that their own houses had such rooms, complete with stoves and sinks, but here the kitchen was well used—a weathered pine table was piled high with science textbooks and menus from Chinese restaurants, and, when she looked, Gillian discovered that there was actually food in the refrigerator: several casserole pans of lasagna and broccoli-with-cheese soufflé, a carton of milk, cold cuts, bottled water, bunches of carrots. Right before they had to leave Tucson in such a hurry, there was nothing in their refrigerator but six-packs of Budweiser and Diet Coke. One package of frozen burritos was wedged way in the back near the ice trays, but anything left in their freezer always defrosted, then refroze, and was better left alone.
Gillian got herself a bottle of fancy water, and when she turned she saw that the rabbit had followed her.
“Go away,” she told him, but he wouldn’t.
Buddy had taken to Gillian in a major way. He thumped his leg, the way rabbits in love always do. He paid no attention to her frown, or the fact that she waved her hands at him, as if he were a cat to be shooed away. He trailed behind her into the living room. When Gillian stopped, Buddy sat down on the rug and looked up at her.
“You quit this right now,” Gillian said.
She wagged her finger and glared at him, but Buddy stayed where he was. He had big brown eyes that were rimmed with pink. He looked serious and dignified, even when he washed his paws with his tongue.
“You’re just a rodent,” Gillian told him. “That’s all you are.”
Gillian felt like crying, and why shouldn’t she? She could never live up to Ben’s version of her; she had a whole secret, horrible past to hide. She used to fuck men in parked cars just to prove she didn’t give a damn; she used to count her conquests and laugh. She sat on the couch that Ben had ordered from a catalogue when his old one became threadbare. It was a really nice couch, made out of some plum-colored corduroy fabric. Just the kind of couch Gillian would have spotted in a magazine and wanted for herself, if she had a house, or money, or even a permanent address to which she could have catalogues and magazines mailed. She wasn’t even certain that she could be in a normal relationship. What if she got tired of someone’s being nice to her? What if she couldn’t make him happy? What if Jimmy had been right and she’d asked to be hit—maybe not out loud, but in some nameless way she wasn’t aware of. What if he’d fixed it so she actually needed it now?
The rabbit hopped over and sat at her feet.
“I’m fucked up,” Gillian told him.
She curled up on the couch and wept, but even that didn’t scare the rabbit away. Buddy had spent a great deal of time at the children’s ward at the hospital over on the Turnpike. Every Saturday, during Ben’s magic act, he was pulled out of a hat that was old and smelled of alfalfa and sweat. Buddy was used to bright lights and people crying, and he was always well behaved. He had never once bitten a child, not even when he’d been poked or teased. Now, he rose onto his back legs and balanced carefully, just as he’d been taught.
“Don’t try to cheer me up,” Gillian said, but all the same he did. By the time Ben came out of the bedroom, Gillian was sitting on the floor with Buddy, feeding him some seedless grapes.
“This is one smart character,” Gillian said. The sheet she’d taken from the bed was wrapped around her carelessly and her hair was sticking out like a halo. She felt calmer now, and lighter than she had for quite a while. “Why, he can put on the floor lamp by jumping on the switch. He can hold this bottle of water between his paws and drink some without spilling a drop. No one who hadn’t seen it would believe it. Next thing I know, you’ll tell me he’s litter-trained like a cat.”