23
“Beck,” I whisper. “Annalise will be here soon.”
Harsh, early morning sunlight spills into my room and across Beck’s sleeping body.
He’s still here. It wasn’t a dream.
And I haven’t killed him
Hope flickers in my soul. Maybe it will be all right.
“Come back over here,” Beck mumbles. His hoarse voice is beautiful.
The silk sheets Mother insists upon are tangled around my legs and my pillow has fallen on the ground. “C’mon, you have to go.” I poke him in the side and he groans.
“We still have time.”
I plant a kiss on each of his closed eyes and slide off the bed. “The sun’s rising.”
When I fling his clothes at him, his eyes flutter open. His shirt hits his bare torso and he grins. “I’ve missed seeing you in the morning. Your hair always looks crazy.”
With a shake of my head, I pull on his hand. “Up. Now.”
At any minute, Annalise could show up and find him. And then what?
As I watch him slip on his boots, I suddenly remember today’s my Binding Day and dread fills my heart.
It’s going to be okay, Beck says silently. He tilts my chin up and I see worry in his eyes. He’s just as scared as I am. “Promise me you won’t give up.”
“I promise,” I whisper.
His lips brush over mine and I fight back tears. Neither of us knows what the day will bring. When he kisses my forehead, Beck reaches behind me and unclasps my necklace. It slides down my torso and onto the bed. He studies my face as if trying to memorize it and then grabs Ryker’s wristlet from the bedside table before vanishing. I sink to my knees and grasp at the empty space where he was standing as if trying to hold onto his presence. He’s gone and I don’t know if I’ll ever see him again.
I know he had to go. It’s for the best. But my heart feels like an impossibly heavy shell in my chest.
It’ll be all right, Birdie.
Anger swims through my blood. This is so unfair. So impossibly unfair. It’s our birthday. It’s supposed to be our binding day. And what am I doing? Sitting around waiting for Annalise to fetch me and help Mother bind me off to Ryker.
I crawl under the fluffy down comforter and pull it up to my neck.
“Is everything okay?” Annalise asks.
I startle. My sister-in-law studies me from across the room with a look of curiosity. “Are you crying?”
Tears I didn’t know I had spill down my face and I flick them away. “Nerves,” I lie.
Annalise’s ruby red lips part into a kind smile. “It’s normal to be afraid. I couldn’t stop shaking when I was bound to Callum.” She pauses, as if she’s said too much. “Before I forget, best wishes.”
With my necklace twisted into my palm, I groan and sink deeper into the pillows. When I was ten, I used to pretend I was eleven. And when I was thirteen, I wanted nothing more than to be fifteen. At seventeen, I dreamed of turning eighteen, earning a place in the State, and starting my life with Beck.
I suppose I should be satisfied with two out of three.
She dips her head. “It’s going to be okay. You may not love him, but you’ll learn.”
“What did my mother promise you, Annalise?” I ask sharply. “What is it that makes you so committed to my family? Surely you don’t love Callum. How could you? He’s insufferable and cruel to you.”
A flush creeps across her cheeks. “It was an honor to be selected as Callum’s mate.”
I rub my eyes. “An honor to be paired with a weak Light witch?”
“Your brother is handsome. And joining this family gave me opportunities I would not have had.”
“Did Mother threaten you? Because I remember something. From your binding. You were with someone. In the garden. A man. And you were very upset.”
“That is none of your business.” Annalise reaches down and tries yanking the covers away, but I ball them into my fist and refuse to let go. She huffs. “Now get up. Girls all over the State would love to exchange places with you. You should feel grateful.”
“Grateful? I’m under surveillance all day long. I can’t have a moment alone without someone barging in on me or listening to my feed.”
“Small sacrifices for the greater good.”
I clench my jaw. What she says is true. My binding is important for the morale of the society. People have been lining up along the procession route since yesterday.
Annalise tugs at the covers again and they slide off me. She gasps at the sight of my naked body and tosses the duvet back over me. When she recovers, she raises her eyebrows and says in an amused voice, “What’s this?”
I blush as I search for an acceptable answer.
Annalise taps at her wristlet and her mouth drops open. “Was Ryker here?” Her eyes grow large. “Don’t even try to lie. I pulled up your wristlet data. What were the two of you thinking? You know the protocol.” She digs in her satchel and tosses a small packet of pills to me. “Take this.”
“What is it?” I ask, studying the pearl-colored pills.
“Something that will make sure you aren’t a mother in nine months.”
“Oh.” My cheeks blaze. I hadn’t even considered that possibility.
She hands me a glass of water and lowers her voice. “Don’t tell Malin I have those, okay?”
My minds whirls. Why would Annalise have something like this? She’s supposed to have children with Callum just like I’m supposed to have children with Ryker. Surely, this can’t be legal.
The pills sit on my upturned palm.
“I’m not trying to poison you, Lark,” Annalise says softly. “They won’t even make you feel sick. I promise.”
I nod and swallow a pill in one gulp.
“I guess we don’t have to worry about your compatibility with Ryker anymore.” My sister-in-law chuckles, and it makes my face grow even hotter. If she only knew who was actually with me last night, she wouldn’t be so giddy.
Beck kissed me on our birthday as the bell tolled. He slept in my arms until I sent him away. And I didn’t kill him.
There’s still hope.
Except, in a few hours, Ryker and I will exchange tokens. Something new to wear instead of my necklace. A replacement.
As if anyone could ever replace Beck.
“Now get up. We have things to do,” Annalise says.
The lights in my room flicker on. Annalise speaks rapidly into her wristlet. “Send Michaela and James in.”
I’ve barely processed what she’s said when two humans I’ve never met appear in the doorway.
I scurry to the end of the bed and gather the blankets to my chest. “Annalise! I’m naked. They can’t be in here!”
She tosses me a robe, and I quickly put it on.
“James, Malin would like Lark’s hair up, but not too severe. Something suitable for a young woman of her position.”
The tall, thin man immediately opens his tablet and snaps photos of me while Annalise moves on to the woman. “Natural make-up. She needs to look fresh and excited. You’ll have to do something about the dark circles around her eyes. Apparently, she had a long night.”
My eyes grow wide in horror. She did not just say that.
“What’s wrong, chick-a-dee? Did you not sleep well?” The woman, Michaela, clucks at me. She’s a large woman and her arms are covered in bracelets. It reminds me a little of the Light witch Dasha, who tried to teach me transportation.
Annalise lifts her head up from whatever she’s studying on James’ tablet. “Nerves,” she says. “Lark is worried Ryker won’t find her attractive. Although after last night, I’d say it shouldn’t be too big of a concern.” She winks at me.
I grit my teeth. What am I going to do? Is Ryker—the real Ryker—going to expect us to consummate our binding? I know Beck said not to worry, but what if Mother stations someone outside our room to confirm it? Kyra said that happens in some families.
Bile rushes up my throat and I dry heave. Did Beck even think of that? No, of course not. Beck is impulsive. I’m the one who overthinks while he just does.
Like him coming here and being close to me. Neither of us knew what would happen, but he let his heart overrule his head.
I cover my face with my hands. Mother was wrong. I did leave Beck for his own safety. If he’s nearby, and I know he’s nearby, what’s to stop me from harming him?
But I don’t want him to leave. I want him close.
And I absolutely don’t want him to watch me be bound to his friend. I can’t do this.
You have to leave. Get far away, I say in my mind.
Beck’s voice cuts through the noises swirling around me. What’s wrong?
I close my eyes. Please, Beck. You can’t be here. You need to go.
My body feels like lead as Michaela leads me to the vanity and spins the chair around. She gently pushes on my shoulder to get me to sit. “Now, don’t you worry Miss Lark. I’ll make you glow, and your intended will swear you’re the most beautiful thing he’s ever seen.”
Wonderful.
My eyes focus on a distant spot on the wall. I sit stone-like, unmoving, unwilling to budge even when Michaela tries to guide my head to the left or right. She finally gives up.
“I can’t work like this, Annalise. She’s not cooperating.”
Annalise presses her ruby lips together. “Out, both of you. I’ll call you when we’re ready to continue.”
As soon as the door is shut, she spins on me. “This is unacceptable, Lark. You have a responsibility to your family and the State. I thought you liked Ryker. Isn’t that what last night was about?”
“I decline the responsibility,” I say ripping at the ribbons James has weaved into my hair. “And I refuse to bind myself to Ryker when I’m already bound to Beck.”
My hands quiver and a small smile forms on my lips as I focus on my binding dress across the room.
“Oh no you don’t.” Annalise’s magic hits me square in the chest and knocks me off my feet.
“Is this your only trick?” I scream. The heavy air encasing me makes it difficult for me to move or use my hands.
Annalise stands over me. “Malin has given me permission to use whatever means necessary to get you to the binding ceremony. If that requires me to physically restrain you and tie your tongue, so help me I will.”
Fury builds in my chest. It creeps out from the darkness of my heart and along my nerves. Pulsing, growing stronger…
“Leave me alone!”
The air around us turns brittle, like glass, and shatters. Pieces fly through the air and one slashes through the milky whiteness of Annalise’s cheek. She touches it in shock.
I’m running down the long hallway, to the backstairs, past Callum, Oliver and Dawson standing in the foyer. They step before me and block my path. I fling my arm to the side and all three men fly backward, away from me like at the hospital.
The garden door crashes open and frigid wind gusts into the warm house. I don’t stop to grab a jacket or shoes. If I do, someone may restrain me.
Rain falls like fat tears from the sky and stings my bare skin. Mud seeps between my toes. And deep in my soul, my heart burns. Currents of energy pulse through my body and I know what’s happening: my power is surging. I’m becoming what I’ve feared.
Don’t forget me, how I was before the Darkness took me.
Where are you? Beck says through the noisy clutter in my brain.
When I don’t respond, he says, Please tell me where you are. I’ll come for you.
My fingers slip as I stick them into the crevices of the stone wall separating Mother’s house from the Presidio. I heft myself over the wall and run, barefoot, toward the Bay.
With each step, my mind becomes more focused. The only way to stop this is if I’m dead. Then I can’t hurt anyone else. Beck will live. Ryker’s life won’t be ruined.
I have to die. It’s the only way out.
In the distance, waves slam into the rocky shoreline. The water where the Bay meets the ocean froths from the violent undercurrents. All I would have to do is throw myself from the cliff and it would all be over. My body would bob in the surf, broken from the impact. Perhaps Mother would send someone to recover me and they could hold a funeral instead of a binding.
I collapse under the giant redwood, my heart too broken to go on, and roll onto my back. There is no sun anymore, only grayness and destruction.
I’m doomed to hurt everyone around me. Lena was only the start.
“Come, Lark. You’ll freeze to death.” I’m remotely aware of Mother touching my shoulder gently.
I don’t move. Layers of ice cover my heart and my limbs savior the numbness.
Time passes and rain soaks through my clothes until I’m drenched. I close my eyes and the pain lessens.
I’m here waiting. For someone or something to take me.
A flutter in my heart.
You need to get up and do this. For both of us. Beck’s voice is so clear he could be whispering in my ear. I don’t want to live in a world without you. No matter what you are.
I wipe the back of my hand across my face. Leave me alone.
Fight, Birdie. If not for you, than for me. I’m begging you.
At Summer Hill, I thought I was strong. I believed I could overcome whatever awaited Beck and me.
But now, I see how foolish I was. Last night should never have happened. I should have forced him away. Because now he’ll never leave me. I made him promise and now I need him to undo it.
I don’t love you, I lie. I lie and my heart sputters.
He doesn’t say anything.