“What’s going on?” Leif asked.
I heard him, but I couldn’t see him. I couldn’t lift my head. I wrapped my arms around my stomach, trying to hold in the pain. I had to physically hold myself, or I knew I would fall apart. I gulped down air, desperate to keep back the vomit that threatened to come up.
“What the hell did you do to her?” Leif got in Jack’s face. “Did you hit her?”
“I would never hit her! And she’s the one-” Jack pointed at me, then shook his head. “Never mind. It doesn’t matter. You should just be happy, because now she’s free to do whatever she wants!”
“Whatever you did to her, fix it! Apologize to her!” Leif shouted.
“I didn’t do anything wrong!” Jack yelled back. “And what the hell is your deal? Why do you even care? If I break up with my girlfriend, why is it any of your damn business?”
“Because I’m her father!” Leif shouted.
21
I will say this for Leif – he managed to shock me out of my pain. I stared up at him, momentarily forgetting the horrible rift inside me at the thought of life without Jack. Leif sheepishly looked back at me, his dark eyes meeting mine.
“Sorry. I didn’t want to tell you that way,” Leif said, shoving his hands in his dirty pants pockets.
“Is this some kind of sick joke?” Jack asked, but all the anger had left his voice.
Somewhere inside me, I knew it was true. Maybe I had before he said it. Something had been there, a connection I had always felt with him but couldn’t explain.
“You have Milo’s eyes,” I whispered. They were the same deep brown and reminded me of a puppy, the way Milo’s always had.
“Actually, he has my eyes,” Leif smiled and shifted uneasily.
“Wait.” Jack looked between the two of us. “You guys aren’t serious? Are you?” He turned to Ezra. “He can’t be serious. It’s not possible. Is it?”
“It is.” Ezra still had his hand on my back, and he sounded reluctant to answer. “It’s rare, but it’s possible.”
I tried to stand up, but my legs felt rubbery underneath me. Leif moved to help me, but Ezra was already at my side, beating him to it. I walked closer to Leif, and nothing had ever felt so surreal. I reached out to touch him. I expected my hand to go through him like he was a mirage, but it didn’t.
My fingertips brushed against his cheek, and his skin felt smooth and cool, like my own. I gaped at him, and let my hand fall, unable to do anything except try to process this.
“You’re my father,” I breathed, and he nodded. “How old are you?”
“I was born 54 years ago, but I was only 22 when I turned,” Leif said.
That made it all the more unreal. I was eighteen, and my father looked like he was only four years older than me. It was strange that I hadn’t noticed how much he looked like Milo before. People meeting them together would think they were brothers.
“How did you find me?” I asked.
“I…” He lowered his eyes, and his cheeks reddened. “I wasn’t looking for you. I didn’t find you.”
“What?”
“I didn’t know you and Milo were my children until a few weeks ago,” Leif swallowed and pursed his lips.
“How could you not know?” I took a step back, feeling betrayed by that statement.
Ezra moved in closer to me, in case I needed his support, but Jack stood off to the side of the room, unsure with how to react to any of this.
“You were so young the last time I saw you, and Milo wasn’t even born yet.” His dark eyes were sad and pleading. “I didn’t even know I had a son. Your mother had just found out she was pregnant.”
“You left us,” I said softly and took another step back. “You left us, and I don’t even remember you.”
“Alice, I had to leave you.” Tears filled his eyes. “I thought…” He rubbed his mouth and lowered his eyes. “I loved Anna very much, but we hadn’t been together that long when she got pregnant with you. I didn’t have time to think about what it would be like. And I loved you. I still love you so much, you and Milo. I left to protect you.”
“How could you not know I was your daughter?” I repeated, louder this time. “How could you love me so much and not know?”
“Do you know how many girls I saw that I thought were you?” Leif asked. “Every time I saw a little girl, I’d wonder if that could be you. Every time I heard the name Alice, I wondered if it were you. Eventually, I just… I numbed myself to the idea.”
“I don’t even know what that means.” I wiped at my eyes to stop tears before they fell.
“I didn’t let myself think about you anymore, or worry about you or your mother or your brother,” Leif said. “I knew I would outlive you, and I couldn’t deal with that. I tried to blot you out of my mind.”