He stopped and studied her face. Her large blue eyes watched him intently “Magicians are of little consequence in the Kingdom. I mean, should I become a master magician . . . Well, could you see yourself married to a magician, whatever his rank?”
She looked slightly alarmed. Quickly she leaned over and kissed him again, rupturing his already frayed composure. “Poor Pug,” she said, pulling away a little. Her soft voice rang sweetly to his ears. “You don’t have to be. A magician, I mean. You have land and title, and I know Father could arrange others when the time was right.”
“It’s not a question of what I want, don’t you see? It’s a question of what I am. Part of the problem may be I haven’t truly given myself over to my work. Kulgan took me for his apprentice as much from pity as need, you know. And in spite of what he and Tully have said, I’ve never been really convinced I was especially talented. But perhaps I need to dedicate myself, commit myself to becoming a magician.” He took a breath. “How can I do that if I’m concerning myself with my estates and offices? Or gaining new ones?” He paused “Or you?”
Carline bit her lower lip slightly, and Pug fought down the urge to take her in his arms and tell her everything would be all right. He had no doubt that once he did that, matters would quickly be beyond his control. No girl in his limited experience, even the prettier ones in the town, aroused such strong feelings in him.
Lowering her lashes a little as she looked down, she softly said, “I’ll do whatever you say, Pug.” Pug felt relief for a moment, then the full impact of what she had just said hit him. Oh, gods! he thought. No magician’s trick could keep him focused in the face of youthful passion. He frantically sought some way to drive desire from him and then thought of her father. Instantly an image of a scowling Duke of Crydee standing before the hangman’s gibbet banished most of his lust.
Taking a deep breath, Pug said, “In my own way, I do love you, Carline.” Her face came aglow, and forfending disaster, he plunged on. “But I think I should try to find out about myself before I try to make up my mind about the rest.” His concentration was sorely tested as the girl seemed to ignore his remarks, being busy kissing his face.
Then she stopped and sat back. Her happy expression faded into one of thoughtfulness as her natural intelligence overrode her childish need to get everything she wanted. Comprehension came into her eyes as he said, “If I chose now, Carline, I might always doubt the choice. Would you want to face the possibility I would come to resent you for the choice I made?”
She said nothing for a while, then quietly said, “No. I don’t think I could stand that, Pug.”
He breathed a sigh of relief as he felt tension drain away. Suddenly the room seemed cold, and both of them shivered. Carline gripped his hands tight, with surprising strength. She mustered a smile and said, with forced calm, “I understand, Pug.” She took a long breath, then softly added, “That’s why I think I love you. You could never be false with anyone. Least of all with yourself.”
“Or you, Carline.” Her eyes grew moist, but she maintained her smile. “This isn’t easy,” Pug said, assaulted by feelings for the girl. “Please, please, believe me, this is not easy.”
Suddenly the tension broke, and Carline laughed softly, sweet music to Pug. Caught halfway between tears and laughter, she said, “Poor Pug I’ve upset you.”
Pug’s face showed his relief at her understanding. He felt buoyant with his affection for the girl. Shaking his head slowly, with a smile of released tension that gave him a somewhat silly expression, he said, “You’ve no idea, Carline. No idea.” He reached out and touched her face tenderly. “We have time. I’m not going anywhere.”
From under lowered lashes, blue eyes regarded him with worry “You’ll be leaving with Father soon.”
“I mean when I return. I’ll be here for years.” Gently he kissed her cheek. Forcing a lighter tone, he said, “I can’t inherit for three more years, that’s the law. And I doubt your father would part with you for as many years yet.” Attempting a wry smile, he added, “In three years you might not be able to stand the sight of me.”