“Rob,” I said again. “I can’t come to you.”
He turned and came forward, dropping to his knees in front of me. I pulled him closer, feeling the world rock a little less with my hand on him.
He went still, his face a scowl and his eyes on mine. “They did this to you because of me. All of this is because of me.”
I stared into his eyes, unwilling to look away, unable to let him go. “No. The prince did this because he is cruel and jealous and Gisbourne allowed it because he’s weak. They just gave you the best chance to fight this, Robin Hood. To prevent this from happening to anyone else.”
His big hands spread like fans on my back, tight but gentle. “I can’t do it. I won’t win—not in the shape that I’m in, Scarlet.” His eyes shut and his forehead pushed against my stomach. “Every hit—every time—it feels like I’m back there. It feels like it’s all starting again.”
“What is?” I whispered. I ran my fingers over his hair, slow and kind. “What is?”
“How much do you know about the Crusades?” he asked. “What I did there?”
“You left after the siege of Acre, didn’t you?” I said.
He didn’t answer me. He swallowed. “The siege was long. It was the first real battle, and Richard couldn’t afford to give up. It took us more than a month before we first broke Acre,” he said. “For so long a wall had been between us, but then the wall broke, and they flooded out. And we ran.”
I shivered at the picture in my mind—it were all too like the melee, the sudden and unleashed clash of two lines. Chaos.
“I was so afraid of that day—of the crush of war. I didn’t know how I would tell my men from the infidels. Then they ran at us, and I was relieved—there would be no mistaking one of us for one of them. They looked so very different, they didn’t wear armor of any kind. With the sun glinting off our metal, it was like God had sent an angel to each of us to shine a light on us, keep us safe. And I found I could fight. I found all my training meant something; I could fight and never tire, never break.”
One of us were shaking, and I didn’t know who, but it didn’t matter. If one person shook, the other’s body took it in.
“And then the wind rose, and the sand rose with it. They continued to come at us. We were blind, and more than that, the ease was gone. I couldn’t see who was right in front of my face, much less what they wore.”
His body leaned tighter against mine, careful not to lean on my arm.
“I can’t take this back, Scarlet, once I’ve told you,” he breathed.
“You won’t have to, Rob.” I stroked his head, his neck, his rough cheek.
“The sand cleared,” he said, “as quick as it had come. And at my feet were three men I’d fought beside for months. Three men I knew. One was even younger than I was. And I had killed them. You all think I’m so noble and goddamn righteous, but I don’t even know who the enemy is. I don’t know who the enemy is if not the demon that’s within me. Those men, the hostage children I was made to kill—Scar, they haunt me. They haunt my nights and they remind me daily that even if by some miracle I can win this, I should never be sheriff. I know the weak and evil parts of myself too well.”
It were him what were trembling, and I tugged on his shoulder until he drew up, guiding him to the bed and making him lie in it. He were sweating hard, and I feared for a fever. I stroked his hair back as it slicked over with sweat. He were staring at me, waiting for what I would say.
Slow, I shook my head. “That isn’t evil, Rob. That isn’t weak. It’s horrible and unfair. But it’s not your fault.” He tried to pull away from me but I stroked his cheek. “There is so much more in your heart than your ghosts,” I told him. “And in mine too. I don’t care how many sleepless nights it takes. I don’t care for bruises or fire. I won’t let them take your soul.”
He gave me a tiny hint of a smile and it felt like sunlight breaking on me. “I don’t know if you have much of a say over it.”
“You gave your heart into my keeping, Rob, and I protect what’s mine. Because I know what is in there true, and it has naught to do with demons.” I bent down, coming closer to his face and letting our lips bare touch. His hand ran into my hair and he pulled me closer for a proper kiss. I felt him breathe deeper, slower, into me, calming, our souls rushing out to meet.