I shoved my clothes on, not bothering to look at myself in the mirror. I didn’t want to see myself and lose the forced confidence I had tried to rattle to the surface. I sprinted across the hall to my room, slamming my door behind me. Even my music couldn’t drown out my mother’s joyous laughter.
It was like my birthday all over again. I liked the way I looked; I just wished I felt more comfortable. I dabbed on some concealer and lip gloss before turning to the door, my hand freezing on the knob. It wasn’t just my mom out there; it was Ryland, too. Beyond that, what was I going to do when I got to school? My false confidence morphed into a full-blown panic attack and I found myself hyperventilating behind the bedroom door. The skin on my chest grew hot, as if my panic had ignited the necklace that was hiding underneath my shirt.
The knob twisted under my fingers and was jerked out of my hand as the door flung open in front of me. Ryland grabbed me around the waist and pulled me to him, burying his face in my hair. He cradled me against his strong chest, his hand wrapped around my waist as the other smoothed my hair. As his hand moved its way up and down my back, I found my breath slowing, the panic melting away.
“Shhhhh… it’s okay, Jos. Just breathe. I’m here.” I wrapped my arms around him as I came back to myself.
He moved me away from him; his hands never left my shoulders as his thumbs moved over the skin on my arms. I looked up at him in nervous anticipation, but his eyes didn’t leave mine. He didn’t look at what I wore. He didn’t appraise my uncovered body. He just stared straight into my eyes with a passion I had never seen before.
“You’re beautiful.” His hands trailed down my arms, their warmth leaving a trail of goosebumps behind them. He intertwined his fingers with mine for a brief second before leaning down, his lips brushing against my hair. “Your eyes, they are just like diamonds.”
I shivered at his whisper, his voice lingering in my ear. He squeezed my hand before dragging me off to the kitchen where my mom sat, still in her robe. At the sight of me, she dropped her doughnut. Her face screamed pure joy; it almost felt like she was sending me off to my first day of kindergarten.
“Oh, Joclyn, it’s beautiful.” She cupped my face with her rough kitchen hands. She was crying, and I felt like crying, too. I had given her what she wanted, her dream. If only for three days, I was giving her that beautiful, little girl she had always wanted. Deep down inside, I knew I wanted to be that, too.
Nine
I didn’t want to get out of the car. Who would? It was nice and warm, and the leather of the seats, soft and cozy. Ryland had turned the radio down low and he had his hand on my knee, thumb caressing me in a comfortable way. I scowled at the large red school in front of us.
“Maybe I didn’t think this through enough,” I said.
“What do you think they will do; more than just notice you, I mean?”
I turned to glare at him. I wasn’t in the mood to go over my fight with Cynthia just yet. His hand moved from my knee to trail up the pale skin of my arms, leaving another row of goosebumps behind.
“That would be enough to ruin my day.” I tried to laugh, but it didn’t come out right; my panic made it sound more maniacal than I had intended.
“Honestly, Jos, did you think I would feed you to the wolves?” His eyes sparkled as he reached behind my seat for a large wad of fabric.
I recognized the fabric as a hoodie, and I couldn’t help the smile that spread over my face. I untangled the mass of fabric to reveal a bright blue jacket with a small stamp of Whittier Prep’s crest on the chest.
Ryland shifted in his seat and began to help me pull the sweat shirt over my head, careful not to let it run against my sleek braid. As it moved over me, I caught the strong, pleasurable smell that was so Ryland; grass from endless hours on the Rugby field and some sort of heavy smoke, not like the smoke of a drug user, but that heavy wooden smell like a million bonfires or fireworks.
“Thanks, Ry.” I looked up at him and gave him my biggest, goofiest grin; all the while chanting in my head. Only friends, only friends…
“Anything for you, sweetheart.”
Only friends, only friends…
His hand moved up to cup my face, his thumb trailing along my jaw and I froze, my mind went blank. It was only when he began to move closer that my brain went into overdrive.
“I’ve got to go.” It took all my strength to pull my face away from his touch and move out of the warm comforting interior of his Lotus. My heart screamed at me as I pried myself away, desperate to get back to him. I closed the door behind me and leaned against it longer than would have been natural until I heard his dark chuckle from inside the car. I jumped at the sound and moved away, speed-walking toward the school.
“Hey, Jos.”
I turned to his voice, his body leaning over the passenger seat and out the window so he could talk to me.
“Ryland.” That came out a bit stiff.
“I’ll be here to pick you up right after school.”