Inside the tent, Stef glanced up from the tray of rabbit jerky as she dropped the finished strips into a bag, but she didn’t speak. The sylph assisting her hummed and twisted darkly, and Sam, with his knees pulled up to his chest, rested his forehead on his arms.
Unbidden, my mind conjured an image of the three of them in the temple’s skeleton chamber, offering their wrists to Janan’s Hallow. Silver chains clattered and gleamed. A million souls said yes to the exchange. A million souls traded countless lives for their own infinity.
My friends wore chains inside the temple.
I shook away the dark fancy as Whit met my eyes, offering a weak smile. “We need to get moving soon,” he said. “We’re already behind. Only four weeks until Soul Night.”
“We should turn around.” I startled at the sound of my voice, breathless and rough with chill. “We should return to Menehem’s lab for the poison.”
Sam looked up.
“Just . . . go back.” While they stared at me, openmouthed, I retreated to my sleeping bag and pulled out my notebook, but Stef didn’t give me a chance to get lost in my work.
She slammed her tray on the ground. “Now you realize what a stupid plan this was? Now, after we’ve come all this way?”
I spoke to my notebook, monotone. “I’ve put you in enough danger. And like Whit said, we have only four weeks before Soul Night. We don’t have time to linger up here. We’ll be more useful in Range.”
“I can’t believe this.” Stef surged to her feet. “What about this weapon you were so convinced we needed?”
The dragons’ weapon? I had no idea what it was. Or how I’d request an object I couldn’t even describe. The temple books were next to useless on the subject, too.
“How long have you been thinking we should go back?” Stef went on. “One week? Two? You’re right: we could do more in Range. We could have been doing more in Range. But you said you had a plan. Then you dragged us up here. And now you say it’s time to turn around, having accomplished nothing but wasted time.”
There was no way to respond to that, so I just frowned at my notebook and bit the insides of my cheeks. Still, my eyes prickled with tears and I had to turn my head away from everyone.
“Are you satisfied?” Stef’s voice broke. “Are you happy that you’ve steered us so far off course?”
“Stop.” Whit heaved a sigh and gathered an armful of lanterns and battery chargers. “Just stop. Yelling won’t help.” He took everything outside to let it charge in the sunlight.
Stef marched after him, and a moment later their voices came, arguing about the best way back to Range.
From behind the shield of my notebook, I caught Sam watching me from the corner of his eye. But I didn’t acknowledge him, just lowered my eyes and began writing.
Sam had always believed in me. When I’d thought I was a nosoul, he’d insisted otherwise. He’d encouraged me until I believed, too. And when I’d thought there was no way I could help rewrite “Ana Incarnate” after Li had burned it in a fire, Sam had told me I could do anything. His belief had made me believe.
When he said he’d go anywhere with me, I’d suggested the moon and the bottom of the ocean. He’d liked that I thought big.
Now he was here with me. In the north. With dragons.
And my plan was too big, too wild. It was crazier than going to the moon.
I didn’t blame him for not believing in me anymore. It hurt, but the truth was that he’d put up with a lot more than anyone would have expected. But his anger earlier and his silence now spun a thread of defiance in me.
I would reach the dragons. And I’d convince them to help.
The others spent the day discussing routes and gathering enough food to last a few days, because clouds threatened snow. Sylph helped wherever they could, but kept shooting me little whines of disappointment.
After supper, everyone found their sleeping bags and tucked themselves in for the night. Sam gave me a long, weary look, and I remembered again that he’d stopped believing in me.
“Get some rest,” he whispered. “Tomorrow will be a long day.”
As if they hadn’t all been long. Yet still too short.
I burrowed into my sleeping bag, zipped it up all the way, and muffled my sobs with my mittens. How could this be so physically painful? We hadn’t touched. We’d barely spoken. I wished myself back in time, back to the first moment I met him. If I could start over again, I’d open up to him immediately. I’d have kissed him in the kitchen, rather than being disappointed he hadn’t kissed me. And after the masquerade, I’d have rushed him home before we could be attacked, then told him we’d be sharing a bedroom from now on.
But I wasn’t back in time. I was now. In my stuffy sleeping bag with all my things packed and a short note to leave in my place. Well, all my things except for the temple books. They wouldn’t help where I was going.
An hour later, the tent was filled with soft snores and deep breathing. I peeked my head out of my sleeping bag and checked, but no one stirred. Only the shadows shifted, their attention falling on me.