compunction
The wind had calmed down some, so I left my jacket open, letting the air freeze the sweat that still stuck to me. After we’d finished training for the day, Ember had insisted that I join her for a treat at the bakery in the town square, saying we’d earned it. Tilda had to finish up some paperwork, and then she planned to meet us so we could talk more in depth about her wedding plans.
My muscles already ached and my right wrist cracked loudly every time I moved it, but I wasn’t sure I felt like I’d earned anything. The day left me feeling more like a failure than I already had.
Several inches of snow had piled up while we’d been working. Although there were still tracks from people and animals braving the weather, the streets were mostly deserted. The Kanin could handle whatever the weather threw at them, but that didn’t mean they were masochists. Most of us knew when it was worth it to stay in by the fire.
But Ember didn’t seem to mind. She just pulled her hat down over her ears and trudged through the snow banks.
“You were awfully quiet today,” Ember commented as we made our way down to the bakery.
I shrugged. “I was just training.”
“It’s more than that.” She paused before adding, “You know no one blames you.”
“Some people do.”
Ember scoffed. “Those people are stupid. Everyone who knows you knows that you did everything you could to stop Viktor D?lig and Konstantin.”
We’d been outside long enough that the cold had started to get to me, but I didn’t zip up my jacket. I just clenched my jaw, refusing to let my teeth chatter.
An oversized white husky was digging through the garbage outside the butcher shop. Large snowflakes clung to his thick fur. He looked at me as we passed by, his bright blue eyes seeming to look straight through me, and a chill ran down my spine. I quickly looked away.
“What if I didn’t do everything I could?” I asked.
Ember was so startled that she halted. “What? What are you talking about?”
“I mean, I did.” I turned back to face her, since I had walked a few steps after she’d stopped, and behind her I saw the husky had returned to rooting through the trash buried beneath the snow.
Ember narrowed her eyes. “Then what are you saying?”
“I don’t know.” I let out a deep breath, and it was shaky from the cold. I turned my head toward the sky, blinking back the snowflakes that hit my lashes. “I did everything I could, but it wasn’t good enough. So then … what does it matter?”
There was something more to it than that, though. Something I couldn’t explain to Ember.
Viktor D?lig had beaten me, that was true. The sight of him had been like encountering a ghost, and I’d been in shock, so he’d been able to get the best of me. That didn’t mean I hadn’t wanted to stop him, but it had been my fault for letting myself be caught off guard, even for a moment.
But Viktor had wanted to kill me. When he’d smashed my head into the stone, he’d been trying to execute me—I knew that with absolute certainty. But he hadn’t succeeded, and I had a feeling that I had Konstantin Black to thank for being alive.
Run, white rabbit, as fast and far as you can, he’d whispered when I came upon him in the dungeon. Even though he’d been escaping, he’d looked so defeated then—his gray eyes soft and mournful, his entire body sagging, his olive skin going pale beneath the shadow of his beard. Konstantin hadn’t wanted me to get hurt.
I’d been convinced that Konstantin had been working for someone, that his attack on my father and his plots to go after changelings weren’t his idea. In Storvatten, he’d even said as much to me, telling me that he’d done it all for love. Whatever that meant.
“What happened in Storvatten?” Ember stepped closer to me. “You never even told me about Viktor D?lig. I’ve had to hear everything through other people,” she added, trying not to sound hurt that I hadn’t confided in her more.
“What have you heard?” I tilted my head, curious to know what people were saying.
“That he surprised you and overpowered you, and then he escaped with Konstantin,” she explained with a weak shrug. “Is there anything more to it than that? Did Viktor say anything to you?”
The butcher leaned out the back door of his shop and banged loudly on a metal pan, scaring the husky. The dog gave one hungry glance in my direction before running off and disappearing into the snow.
“No. He didn’t say anything.” I shook my head. “But…”
“But what?”
The wind came up a bit, blowing my blond waves of hair in front of my face, and I brushed them back absently. Ember pulled her jacket tighter around her, but she kept her dark eyes locked on me.