How Beauty Loved the Beast

chapter Six



“Dammit.” He ducked his head. The moment was perfect, so of course he had to go and f*ck it up. “I’m sorry. I shouldn’t have...”

Fake smile firmly in place, she waved a hand. “Don’t worry about it. Guys say things they don’t mean during sex. I don’t take it seriously.”

She was giving him an out, and maybe he should roll with it. But her dismissal pissed him off, so he shot his mouth instead. “No, I meant it. I’m not going to tell a woman I love her just because she got me off. Even if it has been...way too long. I’m well aware that’s not love.” He searched her expression, desperate to see something real beyond the mask. “Have you not noticed that I’m crazy about you?”

Her teeth worried her lower lip. Though she didn’t try to pull away from him, she shifted uncomfortably in his arms and wouldn’t face him. “I don’t know what to say.”

Oh. That was it. She didn’t feel the same but didn’t want to hurt his feelings. He’d been well aware she didn’t return his affection, but to face it hollowed him inside. Hollowed and crushed him small.

Still, to have her here was better than the alternative. He had to fix it, make her comfortable again so she’d stay. “I’m not going to break, sweetheart. You don’t have to say anything.” He wanted to catch her chin and make her meet his eyes, but he wasn’t in the habit of making people he cared about look at him. So he let her focus remain on the pillow. “I didn’t say that to pressure you. I don’t know why I said it. I...” He took a breath and stroked her hair, fighting to ease the vise on his heart. “I just want you to know, I guess. But I don’t expect you to repeat it back to me. I wouldn’t believe you if you did.”

Her eyes shot to his. “Why not?”

“Timing?” That wasn’t true. He ran a finger across the locked-in, faux-perfection of her impersonal smile. “It’s that shuttering in your eyes and the stiffness in your jaw. You’re putting on a show right now. You started the moment I told you I loved you.”

She stiffened further and worry crept into her eyes.

He huffed in resignation. “Yes, I can tell when you’re faking. I have no idea what’s actually going on in your head, but I have paid enough attention that I can tell when you’re not really smiling. And I hate it. I don’t want you to feel like you have to fake a smile for me. And I definitely don’t want you to tell me you love me unless you know you mean it. I can wait.”

In a brittle voice she said, “You’ll be waiting a long time.”

He felt her words like a slap. Winced. Nodded. Forced himself to say, “Okay. That’s fine.” Not fine at all. Dammit, he loved her. And she didn’t think she could feel the same.

Squeezing her eyes tightly shut, she shook her head. “That came out wrong. That’s not what I...” She shifted away, and the drying remains of their lovemaking cracked. A high, false laugh escaped her as she attempted a teasing tone. “I need to wash this off or I’ll be permanently stuck to you.” The warmth of her body skipped from the bed, leaving him cold. “You might want to change your shirt.”

Like an escaping rabbit, she darted to the bathroom. He lay back on the bed, cursing his stupidity.

Her voice surprised him when she halted at the screen. “I’m sorry, Hauk. I’m awful at this. Forgive me.”

He leaned up on his elbows. Distress crunched her expression and, despite his pain, he felt for her. “Are you coming back?” he asked.

“Coming back where?”

“To bed. After you clean up, are you coming back here and staying the night?”

The lines on her face deepened with confusion. “Well, yeah, of course. Why wouldn’t...” Her eyes widened. “Do you not want me to?”

He relaxed somewhat. “Of course I want you to.” He hauled himself out of bed to grab a new shirt. “And there’s nothing to forgive.”

* * *

Jolie stared at herself in the bathroom mirror, trying to remember the last time she’d f*cked up quite that royally. Her breath rushed in and out like she’d run a race, and her shoulders were almost fearfully tense. But Hauk didn’t want her to leave. He’d taken her craptastic reaction to his earnest pronouncement and was going to let her stay anyway.

Her reaction was out of bounds. It wasn’t like it was the first time anyone had said those words to her; she’d heard proclamations of love over and over her whole life. “I love you” was the phrase a man used to get into a girl’s bed and into her bank account. They were the words her family said before, “So I can’t allow you to...” and their justification for every condemnation uttered since she quit living her life under their terms.

Speaking those words was also the required ritual before a man handed over a ring, the symbol of a contractual merger between two power families in the world’s oldest business deal. She knew how jaded that sounded, but she’d also turned down two of those at Princeton. It was where the chasm had started between her and her family. She was “beautiful enough” that one polite turn-down was acceptable, but two? And to a Crawford, no less. What more did she expect?

She pushed aside the painful memories of her mother’s anger and her father’s disapproval. Of her sister’s confusion and everyone’s disappointment. Of Aaron’s beautiful smile and black heart.

With a click, the shower door shut behind her and the water came back on, washing away the amazing experience she’d shared with Hauk.

When Hauk said he loved her, he didn’t mean any of those things that had caused her grief. But she’d long ago had any other definition disillusioned out of her. She felt something for him, something important, and maybe that was what he meant by love. But defining her feelings through words was not something she felt she could do, at least not yet, and she’d known Hauk wouldn’t want her to tell a comforting lie.

It was one of the things she liked best about him. And one of the things that terrified her, that rigid demand for honesty when she’d been so well-trained that to care for someone was to fake a smile and pretend everything was fine. She agreed with Hauk. But she didn’t know how to do it his way.

Clean but feeling bereft, she slunk out of the bathroom. Hauk lay back on his bed and stared at the ceiling with one arm propped behind his head. He looked so lovely there, despite his scars, so strong and full of purpose. She’d never known anybody like him. Had never respected anybody half so much.

She felt like she should say something but couldn’t for the life of her come up with anything guaranteed to salve the damage she’d done. So she crawled into bed beside him and stroked a hand across his chest. He’d changed shirts. She’d been so sure she could use the mess as a way to get him out of the fabric and a little more naked beside her.

Not gonna happen now.

Still, he tugged her hand across him and wrapped his arms around her. She snuggled closer to him, pressing her face against his neck to breathe in the lemony smell of his laundry and the smoky scent that seemed a part of his skin, or did in her imagination anyway.

She may have disappointed him, but he didn’t ask her to change, just took her the way she was. She held him a little tighter, trying to speak her gratitude with a touch.

He brushed her hair with his fingers, and she hoped he understood.

“Goodnight, sweetheart.”

Her greedy little heart gave a thump, and she was surprised how much she longed to hear, “Goodnight, my love.” Not that she’d done anything to deserve that. She pressed her lips against his collarbone. “Good night, babe. I’m looking forward to Friday.”

He chuckled low as his hand passed across her brow. “Me, too.”

And that was good enough for now.