We moved to a path that curved between mountain peaks and led to the mouth of a massive cave. The width appeared as though it could span that of a dragon—wings spread wide—had they still existed on the mortal realm. The cold in the wind this high up forced me to wrap my arms around myself. I shrugged off any attempt by Marren to try to warm me. Danst, Enid, and Raden walked along the left wall of the cave toward the darkest part.
“Better be moving along soon, the both of ye,” Raden called behind him. His image was swallowed in the liquid like blackness, promptly taking Enid’s form as well. Danst had gone before.
I leaned against the wall of the cave and waited for the remainder of the day to disappear.
“Are you going to ignore me forever?” Marren asked.
I had been ignoring him. Every attempt to speak to me in my head and every slight effort he made to touch me. I stared at him coldly. “You made me believe I did something wrong. Ever since last night, you have been cold and distant.”
A thought occurred to me, giving me an idea on why Marren was so distant. “Is the reason because I won’t give you the traditional ceremony you want?”
“What? No. That’s not it at all.”
“Then why are you acting this way?”
“I’ve been trying to tell you nothing is wrong, but you won’t accept that. You’re convinced I’m avoiding you.”
“Then answer me this, why won’t you touch me? Why won’t you kiss me or even look at me? You’ve been avoiding my gaze this entire day and trying to avoid talking about whatever is bothering you.”
“You must wait until I can sort out my thoughts, okay?”
“No, it’s not okay.”
“Relena, please…”
“I’m not convinced I’ve done nothing. You’re standing too far away from me even now.”
“I can’t. Please. I can’t…” A desperate, trying emotion came from him.
“If I’ve done nothing, why not touch me or look at me…or even talk to me?” I asked, no longer able to force the pain in my heart away. Tears blurred my vision and ran down my cheeks.
“Because I can’t focus when you’re near, and I needed to be able to make sure no one followed us. I needed to be able to ensure I got you here safe!”
I realized that was only part of the reason, but I bought it still. My anger dissipated along with the resolve I had clung to.
“You could’ve told me that in the first place instead of making me believe I had become diseased and withered.” The pain of changing crept in, and I started to shake, hurting as much as the first time, and I feared this time would be the same.
“Don’t fight it, you’ll make the pain worse.” Marren’s voice flowed over me in a slurred wave of liquid air. I only barely heard a word and understood even less as the cramping intensified.
The pain had grown so intense my knees gave out, forcing me to the ground. I lay on the floor of the cave and endured wave after wave of the same horrific pain I had gone through on the first night. I kept thinking of the words: The pain becomes less each time, but that didn’t seem to work. I was just as raw and reduced to nothing until it subsided in its own time.
“Now what?” I panted as a peacefulness washed over me. The torture of changing ebbed farther away.
“We cross over.”
He helped me to stand and then let go of me so I could walk on my own.
“Still convinced I’m going to get us killed, huh?” I asked sourly.
“Stop, Relena.”
“Perfect, I get to cross over as a thorn in your side,” I muttered under my breath and crossed my arms over my chest.
Marren grabbed my arm and pulled me into him, pushing his lips into mine so fiercely I tasted blood. He wrapped his arms tighter around me as if he tried to merge our bodies together.
I can’t touch you like I want, and I can’t kiss you like I want. I can’t be with you like I want, and I can’t for reasons I can’t explain right now. But I will, I promise. Just not right now. I’m not sure how much you are receptive to yet. Let’s get crossed over first, okay?
I couldn’t think to answer, so consumed by his kiss. So overwhelmed with the fierceness and the way he rushed, making it hard to keep up. The emotions he pushed through me—the extreme passion and desire that overrode my own—filled me to the brim and the sadness he experienced because of something preventing him from being able to let go and give in.
I’m yours completely, no matter what. I wish you’d understand that. You should know by now you shouldn’t be afraid of telling me anything. You shouldn’t keep yourself away from me either. All you need to do is tell me you can’t and stay by my side. Otherwise, it hurts. A stray tear fell down my cheek, mingling with our lips. Adding salt to the blood and not enough to get us to stop.