First And Last

chapter Eleven



The door closed behind me. Kyden grinned up at me from where he sat on the couch. “I’m glad to see less of you.”

“Look who’s home, the idiot who stormed out of here naked,” Willow said at nearly the exact same time.

“Hush you,” I snapped at Willow, then met Kyden’s gaze. “Okay, so I forgot I was naked. It sure gave Tyde a good laugh.”

“I bet it just did.” He gave his devilish grin, stood and approached me in lengthy strides. When he reached me, he took me in his arms and his lips met mine violently.

Now that we were bonded, being away from each other was difficult, or so I heard. Since it was only a short time, I hadn’t really had the time to miss him. It obviously tore at him—maybe due to the element of danger involved—his concern for me.

I could feel it in the hard edge of his lips and the tight grip around my back. Even if his tormented emotions weren’t telling me as much, I reciprocated his force with one of my own. Just as the sensual energy ran high, Kyden slid his lips to my neck and that was when the damn book came into my line of vision.

F*ck, I should’ve left my eyes closed. I sighed deeply and pushed Kyden back.

He groaned and met my gaze with his usual arched brow. “Problem?”

“Oh, no. No problem at all. Just a bunch of demons summoning Demon Lords. You know,” I waved my hand dramatically, “nothing out of the ordinary.”

He chuckled. “Back to work then?”

I nodded, not a very convincing one, but did follow him back to the couch. Just as I was about to sit, I scooted toward the bedroom.

“Let me change first.” Not that I minded the jogging suit Quinney brought me, but I always felt so peculiar to be out of my Guardian gear. I’d become fond of the little kilt and bra, it was like my second skin now.

“I assume you got there in time?” Kyden shouted from the living room while I changed.

“Yeah.” I came back out into the living room and sat beside him. “We brought the human back here. I healed him and Zade gave him a new memory.” The convenience of having vampires around, all their mind-warping abilities came in handy.

“Good.” Kyden glanced back to the book. “Where were we?” He shuffled through the pages. Apparently, he had done some light reading while I was gone, since he seemed to know exactly what he was looking for.

Why did he have so much interest in that damn thing? I’m no history buff. All I needed to know is which rune would send Mammon back. That was it. All the rest could stay in the past as far as I was concerned.

“Right, here it is, the rune that reacted to you.” He glanced at me. “Is it still glowing now?”

I leaned forward. “Yup.”

“All right, then.” He took my hand and placed it flat down on the page. I giggled a little as the rune tickled my skin, warm and tingly. He placed his hand over mine and took my other one tightly in his, keeping us connected. “Now quiet yourself, Álainn. Rest your mind.”

I sighed once, then again, to let my mind go blank. Focusing in, I released the elements around me. I let go of Air, that’s cold and wispy, let the burn of Fire within me subside, and focused on the odd new sensation that sat deep within me.

Suddenly, the rune beneath my hand began to warm. The feeling of power began to come forth.

“Yes,” Kyden whispered. “Focus on that. Let the power fill you. Speak to you.”

The light within me began to glow deeper. My blood slowed as calmness spread throughout. The feeling was all the same, the sense of light remained, and I knew this was fueled my magic. What made me different? I’d never felt anything like it or seen it in anyone else for that matter. I still couldn’t indentify or explain it. I was back to square one.

Just as I was about to open my eyes, the rune began to burn. “Ouch,” I screamed as I tried to yank my hand way, but it was glued to the page.

“What…” Kyden started, but then his words faded away as I was pulled into a memory. I knew exactly what it was because I’d been in Zia’s before and it looked just like this. Almost as if I were watching a movie, but was in it and could see everything, hear words. Yet, not interact with anyone.

A witch stood in a dark forest near some large apple trees with the rune I’d just seen drawn in the air, but this one was a little different. Within the inverted pentacle was another symbol. Á Ù.

Six demons surrounded her and I could immediately sense their power. But even more shocking, it was hers that astounded me. Her strength was unparalleled.

She was a White Witch, that I could tell, but I’d never met a witch this powerful before, not even Zia. I couldn’t see her face since her back was to me, but she wore a white cloak with a hood. All I could hear was the sound of her soft voice but was unable to make out anything.

Swiftly, the demons shifted into their black form, and just as they did, she began to chant in Latin, Primoris quod Permaneo, over and over again. Her words smoothed together as she stood strong against the earsplitting shrieks around her.

Suddenly, a blast of white energy erupted, and with loud piercing screams, the demons evaporated into thin air, then it all went quiet. The witch repeated the line again, but she sounded so sad, like she failed. It didn’t look like she failed to me. The demons were gone, shouldn’t that be a cause for celebration?

As quickly as the vision came, it vanished, and my eyes opened to Kyden. He looked beside himself, to say the least, which only told me one thing. “You saw that?”

“Indeed I did.” His voice wavered, not in fear, just incredulous, and that coming from him meant he was very shocked.

“What the hell was that?”

He shook his head slowly. “I haven’t a clue.”

“Holy shit.” I could barely breathe, confused as to what had just happened. “The rune was like this one,” I pointed at the book. “There was an Alpha-Omega symbol in it. Did you see that?”

“I did.”

It was hard to get a grasp on anything, to understand what this meant. It didn’t take a genius to know that the witch in the vision was the one who Quinney and Tyde spoke of. The one who held the same magic I did. Who was she? How did she attach the memory to the rune so I would see it? Why did she act as if she failed?

I had no answers. To focus on these things was pointless, so, I stuck to the stuff I could find out. “What was she saying?”

“First and Last.”

Right then, our door flew open and Zia stood, breathing heavily.

“I saw that.” It didn’t surprise me that she had, our connection was wide open right now, in case I needed her. “Come quickly. I know of someone who might help us here.”

I jumped to my feet, as did Kyden. Zia stopped him with a hand in the air. “No, Kyden, you must stay here. We don’t want to scare her off by bringing too many. Nexi will be safe. I promise you that.”

Kyden nodded firmly. As I took off, he gave my ass a hard slap.

“Ouch.” I hurried to the door, rubbed my butt the entire way. Just as I stepped out, I quickly glanced back over my shoulder. “But I liked it.”

Kyden winked.

* * * *

Snow layered the ground. Evergreen trees and snowy peaked mountains provided the only shelter from brisk winds. Zia started forward quickly toward a small stone home nestled low in a valley.

“Where are we?” My teeth chattered. “And why didn’t you tell me to put on a coat?”

Zia glanced back, her nose red with frost. “The Alps.” She shuddered a little and wrapped her arms around herself. “I hadn’t thought of a coat.” She quickened her steps. “Come quickly.”

I picked up my pace and ran forward. “Frig, its cold here.” This place would be cold with full winter gear. Being half-naked, my body became frostbit with each second that passed.

Luckily, we weren’t far from the house, and just as we reached it, the door flew open. Zia rushed in, I followed close behind. The smell of flowers and spice danced along the air and the warmth of this cozy home surrounded me, instantly giving relief.

“Zia,” a soft voice came from beside me.

I followed the voice to see a Witch. Surprise brightened her violet exotic eyes as her little mouth perched together. She wore an Indian dress with fringe trim and fluffy fur boots that reached her knees. With her long black hair pulled into two low pigtails, she definitely resembled a Native Indian Princess.

“Hello again, Ember,” Zia said, rubbed her arms in fast movements to warms herself. “We need your help.”

Ember paid no attention to Zia, her gaze had fallen on me. She slowly stepped in front of me and stared, as if searching for something. Her violet eyes bore deep into mine.

After a few moments of awkwardness, I wondered if she was waiting for me to say something. “Hi. I’m Nexi.”

“Nexi,” she whispered with a soft expression that made her eyes all but melt.

Huh?

I glanced at Zia, hoped she could shed some light on the weirdness of this situation. She watched Ember with an odd look. Then, she shook her head at me. I played it cool and didn’t put a voice to Ember’s peculiar behavior.

Ember finally took a deep breath and her gaze broke away from me to look back at Zia. “It’s a pleasure to see you again, Zia.” She walked over to the simple oak benches that sat before a fireplace. “Come and sit, you both look like you’re freezing.”

Feeling like a damned icicle, I didn’t hesitate. I went straight over to the fireplace, sat down on the bench and put my hands out to warm them. Zia sat next to me just as Ember handed us a thick fur blanket. I hesitated for a moment, feeling yucky about wrapping some dead thing around me, but I was too cold to resist.

As I wrapped the blanket around me, I studied Ember a little. Witches always had a little pull to them. Black Witches felt raw and wrong while White Witches just expelled brightness.

Zia was the strongest witch I’d known and she felt nothing like the Witch before me. The power within her almost created a glowing aura.

Ember took a seat in the rocking chair that rested right beside the fire and as she sat, a wolf sauntered over to lie down at her feet.

“Werewolf?” I couldn’t sense that he was, but weirder things have happened, better just to ask.

Ember laughed softly and gave his ear a scratch. “No. Sayer is a pet. Nothing more, but special nonetheless.” She glanced away from the wolf to Zia. “What can I help you with?”

“Do you know what has happened in the Underworld lately?”

Ember’s gaze flicked to me a moment then back to Zia as she nodded. “I know, yes.”

“We have just that learned that demons are forming a resistance and rallying to summon back the Demon Lords to see that their world is given back to them,” Zia explained.

Ember’s violet eyes darkened. “I feared something of this magnitude was happening.”

“How did you know that?” I asked.

She shrugged. “Something felt wrong.”

Her response made me wonder just who and what she was. She was unbelievably powerful, that was a fact, but she felt different. Her power felt close to what I remembered Pye, a warlock I destroyed not long ago, being like. His magic wasn’t elemental, more like an energy, but Ember is a White Witch. I couldn’t sense an ounce of evil in her.

“She’s a very old Witch,” Zia said, clearly reacting to my thoughts. “That’s why you’re sensing such power from her.”

“Are you saying she’s a Spirit Witch?”

“Felt dark…” Ember continued.

“Yes. She has the ability to manipulate all the elements.”

“Darkness stirring…”

I glanced at Zia. “That Witch sitting there is not a Spirit Witch. I can feel it. She’s different, but I can’t quite place it.”

Zia’s brows rose, but was interrupted when Ember said, “Do you know what Demon Lords have already been summoned?”

“Mammon,” Zia answered. “Nexi intervened with an attempt tonight and banished a demon attempting to summon another one.”

Hearing this did not shock Ember. “Is that so?” She only left me confused.

Instead of answering her question, I asked one of my own. “Do you have history with demons?”

She smiled wistfully. “I’ve had some dealings with them, yes.”

As I processed that, a deep sense of longing sank into my soul. After a moment of trying to understand it, I realized it was Kyden. Why hadn’t I felt this before when I left him? I guess it was probably because my mind was preoccupied with the demons and my naked ass to think about anything else.

It was strange really. With Haven and our soul-sister bond, I always felt a need to get back to her. See her. With Kyden, a deep emptiness sunk in heavily and left a profound weight on my chest that we were apart. I did my best to squash the feeling. There wasn’t anything I could do, so why dwell on it?

Zia examined me, sensed my inner mess, then glanced back to Ember. “Nexi is in possession of the Diabolus Somes.”

Ember’s gaze widened, a look of fright crossed her face. “You didn’t bring it with you?” She looked about ready to take her wolf and run.

Zia shook her head. “Of course not.”

“Good,” Ember appeased, then her gaze became curious, as she looked between Zia and I. “What is it you wish me to help you with?”

“A rune…” Zia started.

Rewind! “Hold up a second, why does the book frighten you? I mean, should I be frightened of it?”

“That tome is a reminder of the past, and one I wish to leave where it is. It’s not of any danger to you. I…” Ember hesitated, and after a long pause she finished, “I just don’t want to see it again.”

“Oh. Okay then.” I waved her on. “Carry on.”

“What history does she have with the book?” I asked Zia.

“That’s a very good question.” Zia examined Ember a minute, yet stayed off the subject. “As I was saying, a rune in the Diabolus Somes has reacted to Nexi and shown her a vision.”

Ember’s gaze snapped to mine, widened in surprise. “The rune reacted to you?”

I nodded. “I tried to read the damn evil thing, then came across one of the runes. It was kinda glowing. After I touched it, it started to get warm and that’s when the vision came through.”

“What vision?” she gasped.

“It was of a Witch who was doing a banishment ritual, I think. There were six demons with her and she kept chanting, primo qu pero.”

Ember laughed softly. “Primoris quod Permaneo.”

“Yup, that’s it.” I was quite glad she was good with the whole Latin bit, it could have been embarrassing if I had to say that more than once. “She said those words and then poof the demons vanished.”

Ember leaned in, her gaze focused on mine as she whispered, “What did the rune look like?”

“Well,” I hesitated a moment, a little put off by her intensity. I really wasn’t expecting her to be so interested in this part. I mean, most people focused on the fact that demons tried to summon Demon Lords. She accepted it all way too easily, and that unsettled me. “It’s your classic pentacle, but slightly inverted with an Alpha-Omega sign in the center.”

Ember sat quietly and stared at me. It started to become a bit awkward. “Er…sorry, am I supposed to say something here?”

“No. There is nothing further to say,” she whispered.

We sat there in silence. I glanced between Zia and Ember who stared at each other. Suddenly, Ember stood and headed to the kitchen. Were her hands trembling?

I looked at Zia. “Is she all right?”

“Give her a moment. She’s more aware of this situation than I knew. I came here in hopes that she’d have information and could assist us since she is so old. To be honest, I didn’t expect this.”

We gave Ember a few moments to settle herself, and she eventually returned with a cup of tea in hand and sat back down beside her wolf. “Why have you come here, Zia?” she finally asked.

Zia smiled kindly. “I assumed you’d have some insight into the meaning of this rune. There are not many of us who were around at that time. I assumed since you were, you might have heard of this. We need your guidance. This situation involves us all.”

Ember looked at me and sighed deeply, her expression was steady and strong. “Is it your wish to stand against these demons?”

“I don’t think I really have a choice in the matter,” I said, honestly.

“There’s always a choice,” Ember replied, sternly. “Do you grasp the danger you’d enter into?”

“Danger is my constant best friend.” I joked. “What are a couple demons, right?”

Ember’s look came measured. “The danger you have known is nothing compared to what you’ll be up against. The task you are about to undergo will test you in ways you cannot even imagine. You must enter into this willingly. Understand what’s being asked of you. If you don’t, it will not only destroy you, but you stand to lose everything that has been long built.”

Now, I was confused. What the frig was she talking about?

Zia appeared the same. “Ember, please explain what you mean by that. I’m a little lost as to the point you’re trying to make.”

Ember looked down at her hands as she gripped the mug she held tightly, then looked up and met my gaze, head on. “The vision you saw, the witch who was there…well…it was me.”

My brows literally shot up to my hairline. “It was you…” I glanced at Zia who looked equally stunned. “What? Okay, wait…what does that mean?”

Ember took a sip of her tea. The cup shook as she lowered it away from her mouth. “As you know, long ago the Demon Lords were banished with Satan to the Realm of the Dead. However, they were summoned back, returned to the Underworld to search for a way to help him return. With God’s removal from the worlds, his conquest to overtake and rule was an easy feat.”

“Why hadn’t we heard of this?” I quipped. “Kyden never mentioned it when he read the Diabolus Somes. Even Misa and Quinney never said anything about it.”

Ember gave her a knowing look. “Failures are not written into the Diabolus Somes. When it was discovered what the Demon Lords tried to do I set out on a journey to stop them.”

“All by yourself?” I exclaimed.

She didn’t look proud, her eyes sank in complete misery. “I failed.”

Which is exactly what I saw in the vision, she really did think she failed, but I couldn’t quite understand how she could come to that. “You banished the demons though?”

She nodded. “You’re right. They’re gone, but I couldn’t close off the realm. I didn’t have the power within me to do it.”

Oh, this was just silly. “Don’t you think you’re being just a tad bit hard on yourself? I mean, come on, just sending them back is an accomplishment in itself.”

She smiled at my attempt, but still, her eyes held so much pain. “It’s not enough. I feared for so long that the day would come when they would return. I also feared there would be no one to stop them.”

“But you did it before, why can’t you just do it again?” Hope filled my tone. Maybe I wouldn’t have to do anything. This sounded better already.

She shook her head and my hope vanished. “You only get one chance to use this rune. If you fail, it will no longer react to you. The Pentacle you saw. It’s not just a simple rune as you suggest. The design of the inverted Pentacle is for us White Magic Witches to dabble into dark powers, join them, but not take us in the process. The Alpha-Omega sign in the center is the purest form of White Magic that exists. It’s God’s Symbol. Primoris quod Permaneo. First and Last. This speaks of God himself.”

“Holy f*ck.” I slapped a hand over my mouth.

Ember laughed. “Yes, that sums it up well.”

“How did you learn of this rune?” Zia asked.

“That cannot be shared, I am afraid, but what I can tell you is when you use the inverted Pentacle your strength needs to be more powerful against the Black Magic. It will drain you and fight against you. When I attempted to close off the realm, I failed because when I was drawn into the Realm of Dead, Satan told me not to close it and I listened.”

“Holy shit.” Yep, holy swear words were all my mind could come up with.

“You’ve grasped the seriousness here,” Ember replied to my outburst. “The strength to use this rune is not an easy task.”

“Jesus. Okay, I grasp the situation.” This just became all too real, and for the first time in this whole ridiculous thing, I felt scared—really, really, f*cking scared. “Do I even have the strength to do what you’re suggesting?”

Ember nodded. “My ruin spoke to you. Only one capable would have that affect on it.”

I rubbed a hand over my face, tried to sort all this out, get a grasp on really what I had to do here. I needed to simplify things. “So, I just find Mammon, use that rune, then poof he’ll go back. I just have to say those words and close off the realm.” Putting it that way didn’t seem like such a big deal—draw a little rune, say a few words, easy peasy, right?

Ember’s eyes darkened, her face said it all, but she answered anyway. “I’m sorry, it will not be that easy.”

“It never is,” I grumbled.

“When I failed, it left an opening for the Demon Lords to return again. To be summoned if needed.”

“Why haven’t they summoned the Demon Lords before now?”

“I’d suspect the reasons behind that are because they’ve been happy with their leaders. There was no reason for them to return—until now.” She took a deep breath. “And now that Mammon has returned and not been immediately sent back, his strength will grow.”

“Well, that doesn’t sound good,” I stated the obvious.

“It’s not. Mammon will siphon energy from the demons who have summoned him. I can promise by this time, he’s fully restored and will seek to restore all the Demon Lords back into the Underworld.” Yup, it was as a bad as I thought. “He will start to summon the rest of the Demon Lords and when they return, they’ll use a very old rune…”

I interrupted her. “Let me guess. It’s a pentacle with a goat’s head?”

She nodded solemnly. “It is Satan’s symbol. Occultus Unus. The hidden one—he hides in all. Is all. The magic comes from Satan himself.” She gave me a very stern look. “If you fail here and cannot banish them before they use this rune, they’ll begin the ritual and once they draw that rune, I’m sorry to say, your fight will be pointless.”

“What is the ritual they will do?” Zia asked her.

“Any rituals that have to do with the Demon Lords and Satan’s magic, always take place in apple orchards.”

“I noticed that. Apples were at all of the scenes.”

“They’d have to,” Ember answered. “Apples were the very beginning.”

“The very beginning of what?” I had to ask.

“Adam and Eve. The forbidden fruit. Satan tempted them and they were not powerful enough to deny him. Thus, came the first sin. In basic terms, it was the first offering of a soul. The first humans who turned to him.”

I guffawed. “Seriously, that story was true?”

Ember nodded firmly. “Most of the history within the Earthworld has significant truth, it sometimes just gets a little muffled is all.” I gave my head a little shake to process that as she continued. “The apple trees are an energy source. That’s why you’ll notice that the apples around the rune have died—it has stolen the life from them.”

My head was spinning. As much as I tried to listen, I needed to clear a few things up before I could move on. “What hadn’t the Fae leader, Aaliya, thought of this and not closed off the realm to the Demon Lords too?”

The second my words ended, Ember lit up—I mean lit up—like glowing all over her body. “Er…what is wrong with you?”

Her eyes widened as she glanced down at her glowing arms. “Oh, it’s nothing.” She rubbed her arms as if that was going to take it away. “My magic overwhelms me at times.”

“Well that was just weird,” I speculated.

“Certainly was,” Zia replied.

Ember closed her eyes, then the glow completely vanished and she continued as if nothing had just happened. “The Fae act foretold events. Did you know that?”

It took a moment to stop looking at her arms, which now appeared totally normal, but needed these answers, I dragged my gaze back to her. “I heard something about that.”

“Well at the time, it was only foretold to close the realm off so Satan could never escape, not the Demon Lords. No one expected that the Demon Lords would want to return and leave Satan, or that anyone would create a rune so strong the Demon Lords would be able to siphon Satan’s magic.”

That just seemed ridiculous. If they had done this in the first place, I wouldn’t be in this mess. “They never go against that they’ve foretold?”

“Never,” Ember replied adamantly. “It didn’t reveal itself until many years later that leaving the Demon Lords free to roam was a mistake. This rune, with the goat head, is the strongest of Black Magic known. Obviously, it has yet to be tested, since I did stop them before.” Her look was troubled. “But I do not doubt for a moment that once Mammon gathers his strength, he will start to bring back the others as you’ve already seen. When they call to Satan’s magic,” she actually paled before my eyes. “Hell on Earth will be among us.”

Wonderful!

“All right, so what’s with the Alpha-Omega rune? How does it work?” I asked, though I didn’t want to think about the idea of just what Satan’s magic could do if unleashed. Bah!

“There are two dangerous elements to using this rune against the Demon Lords. Firstly, if you’re not strong enough to use it, it won’t work for you, therefore, you’ll be standing face-to-face with the most powerful demons, defenseless. If you succeed and draw yourself into the rune’s power, then you will face Satan himself.”

“Excuse me?” I couldn’t have heard that right.

Her brows rose, a look of surprise crossed her face as she looked to Zia then back to me. “Did you not realize that you would be drawn into the Realm of Dead?”

“Er…no.” Did she say this before? Either I heard it and didn’t process it or she had not made herself clear.

“When the Pentacle opens to the Realm to the Dead, it’s Satan you’ll encounter. You’ll need to overcome his lure to close it and deny the power he offers to you. If you don’t, the realm will not close and this could happen again.”

Enough said. I jumped to my feet, looking for my exit. “That’s it. No f*cking way. You’re all insane. I ain’t doing this. I’m not talking to the Devil. Are you insane?”

Ember smiled through my hysteria. “Finally, the appropriate reaction.”



Suddenly, Ember’s front door slammed open, the cold wind blasted through the room and Kyden lunged through with sword drawn. At first, I leapt with joy to be united with him, but that quickly changed to total irritation as he tackled me to the ground. “What the hell are you doing?” I squeaked from beneath him.

He glanced around quickly, his heavy weight made breathing difficult. “Where is the trouble?”

“There is no trouble,” I snapped. “Get off me.”

He jumped to his feet and pulled me with him. His gaze fell to Ember and Zia, who sat wide-eyed at him, then he looked back to me. “What had you so afraid?”

Finally this little interruption all made sense. He had sensed my fear. He thought I was in danger and came to help me. I burst out laughing, as did Zia and Ember. “Oh God, did you see that?” I exclaimed through my laughter.

“What is funny?” Kyden didn’t find it amusing. “And what made you so afraid?”

“He just ran in like He-Man,” I gasped, holding onto my stomach, which made Zia and Ember just laugh harder.

“You can all stop that,” Kyden said, annoyed. We didn’t. Finally after a moment, Kyden’s impatience ran even higher and washed right through me. He cleared his throat, an obvious attempt to save face. “It looks as though you’re fine here. I’ll meet you at home.” He left, leaving us all hyperventilating.

After a good five minutes of laughing, I grasped my stomach, begged my insides to relax a little. “That was too funny.”

Zia wiped some tears and sighed. “The fear he senses is new to him so it will come out quite intense. He’s not used to feeling that from you and I’d expect he is not used to feeling such an emotion at all.”

“You are newly bonded?” Ember asked.

“Just a few nights ago,” I responded, sat beside Zia and wrapped the blanket back around me.

“Ahh,” she said in understanding. “It takes some time to get used to feeling someone else’s emotions and understand them. He must have assumed fear meant danger.”

“My insides feel bruised.” Then, I sighed, sending away that moment to laugh about later and got back on topic. “Anyways, what were we talking about?”

“Satan,” Zia offered.

Thankfully, Kyden’s little hero moment eased my hysteria and I could think a little more clearly. “All right, so tell me everything again from the very beginning.”

She did just that. Told me of the history which I already knew, explained that we needed to let all the Demon Lords be summoned into the Underworld, because without doing so, I couldn’t banish them all and close off the realm. Then once we had them all together, I needed to draw the rune before them. If it didn’t work, I’d be in deep shit. If it did, I still had to ignore Satan’s pull and close the realm.

A good thing was that my magic would protect me there. Satan couldn’t do a damn thing to me, but it wasn’t any more settling.

Why did the difficult shit always seem so simple to say, yet be so damn difficult in reality?